Fell for my best friend, she said no, but I cant move on

[jayman]

Hi all, so Ive had this friend for about 10 years or so, we met at sixth form, Ive always kinda liked her, but she always had boyfriends and I made sure I would never fall for someone already taken. We talk pretty much everyday and hang out as much as possible. She broke up with her last boyfriend about 4 months ago which she spoke to me a lot about. And I guess since then the boyfriend rule was broken and I fell for her. I told her how I felt about 4 weeks ago, and she didnt feel the same, I kept it short and simple and we really didnt talk about much or have since. I didnt really talk to her much for a week or so, but have done over the xmas period and seen her a lot (with friends). So things have gone back to how they were, except I know Im not even close to being over her. And I dont know how to without not being friends with her- but she means so much to me, and me to her, I can't let that happen. What do I do?
Before I told her, we had been talking about moving in together (cos her boy moved out) but I dunno if thats a good idea...
I knew it was probably a bit too soon for her about telling her, but because of the living thing I knew I had to tell her, and I couldnt wait. I wasn't sure how it was gonna turn out, we're really close but I knew that could just be a great friendship.
Do you think they may be a chance further down the line? Do I need a proper reason why not? I cant stop thinking about it.
Many thanks in advance for any advice!

[eksink]

First of all, you should NOT move in with her. If things feel at all awkward now, it will only get worse. Second of all, you ARE in a relationship with her whether you two realize it or not- and it's not a healthy one. You've provided everything she wants emotionally without any attachment. Frankly, she's making out pretty well in this scenario. You need to either back off and start looking for other women, or confront her about how you feel again and let her know you can't be this close to someone without being in a proper relationship.

Also, from the other side, what you're doing with her while she's dating other guys may be harmless to you, but coming from someone who is going through what her boyfriends do, you are only causing a world of pain for the boyfriend. To hang out with a girl in a relationship as you've described is not only disrespectful to the person she dates, but to the both of you as well. In example: I would give the world to have my boyfriend spend less time with his female friend alone, but instead he's emotionally cheating on me with her. I go to bed knowing I will never be enough for him and it kills me to know that her time is more valuable than mine. That's not how you want to make someone feel. My advice is to stop being an emotional mistress, tell her how you feel, and -if she rejects you- find someone who wants you for you and not just for how reliable you are.

[wesir]

I am very inspired to reply to this case because I didn’t want to fall into it. Hence my problem here in another thread.

Anyway, she claims she is not interested in you in romantic way. Take that as the cold truth because if you don’t it will destroy you, no often means no.

Don't even think along the lines of "Just maybe..." or we are such good friends, or she understands me and I her. It’s not enough for any romantic relationship and no amount of friendship it is self is going to change it. Feelings just don't work like that. EVER

Now you say:

"Do you think they may be a chance further down the line? Do I need a proper reason why not? I can’t stop thinking about it."

I hate to tell you this. But no one can really answer this question for you and I think you want them to. I show you why and I want to show you why it might help you:

You might be thinking along the lines of:

1. Maybe one day she and me will get together after all we love each other. Just not LOVE each other.

2. I am in trouble. But I have/need hope and I need someone to tell me that my hope is not fools hope.

The facts yes it is possible friends do become lovers but in my experience this happens in a sense of things happening “accidentally” and finally brought open over a moment for example a kiss, or holding of hands. Rarely does it happen in the way you describe. Sure you could be an exception and then again maybe you will not. Everyone is different and every relationship can be different also you think that is not helpful it is because I personally fear it is not. It’s too general and no one can tell you what might be possible in the near future.

What you must do now is consider what this is doing to you. You love this girl and you have told her.

You seem to be giving her space but inside it is tearing you to shreds. I strongly suggest you don’t pressure her and let her come to you. But importantly and vitally do not move in with her.

I would start looking at you life and configure it in such a way that she is not so central in it. Start meeting new people, socialise, join a club. You owe it yourself. In the end we can’t help how we feel but we can help what we do with it. Here is an idea. Maybe join a volunteer group?

You know why I am suggesting this to you? In all likelihood if she finds someone else and that person is not you. If you have not moved on it is going to kill you emotionally! Worse still is it possible that this attraction to her is stopping you meeting or going with another women?

But let me answer your question with a question. Do you think we should depend on what could be, is it healthy to think and act on the lines of what could be or should we try to be in control of our own life? Make this be the making of you. Not what defines you I say explore your options and experience more of life.

I would GUESS that you been harbouring these feelings for some time and one day you burst. Now you feel emotionally naked. I been there before it didn’t work for me but I will say what helped me was my friends and more importantly myself one day I just moved on and the question of “do I have a chance” was no longer relevant.

Hope this helps.