Did I make the right decision?

[DawnBreaker]

I have been in a long distance relationship with my bf for about 6 years (after year one he had to move for job reasons, but we decided to keep it going). I should point out we are in our mid-20’s, both in school and working. That is until I broke it off. But I can’t help but feel guilty/regret. I miss my best friend But I had to make a decision; was it the right one? Please help me decide.

My bf was a very hard to reach man, emotionally. Though we shared many interests (or ‘things’) and really had a lot of fun together (like true best friends might), when it came to the important stuff (such as family values, trust and being able to openly talk to each other about anything) there were issues. I would open up and tell him embarrassing things; I wanted to share myself and my feelings with him – become closer, etc. But he would not share with me (or very little, and highly reserved). He would say that there was no reason for him to talk about the past; it helped him in no way to discuss it with me so he never did. (In reality I think he was badly betrayed or hurt, so I told my time with him trying to be as patient and understanding as possible).

I admit I am not all innocent in this either. Maybe I did let him on in the heat of the moment at times such as by saying I might move in with him there, wanted to marry, wanted to make this work no matter what, etc. because I do love him and I do really have a lot of fun with him. But I also (I think or tried my best to) make it clear to him that I am close to my family (unlike him and his family). It is hard for me to move very far away from my mother, for example, whom I am also very close to; I would feel like I was betraying her. I want someone who can freely talk to my folks and join my family (so to say – I don’t expect the bf and my parents to become best friends but a quality conversation in the very least I would think is appropriate). But after all these years my family still knows very little about him from him directly despite many opportunities. I have reached out to his with some luck though but I am shy and I know I didn’t talk as much as I wanted to. Is it odd though for me to expect or hope for this I question? –To add to my family (to become a part of him as well as he a part of mine) and not feel like I’m getting ripped away from it?

My bf really is a great guy other then when he has these angry/upset outbursts and lack of empathy at times; he also has a big ego, sure. But he (on the good side of things) always gets me great gifts and calls me every day, etc like a good guy should; he’s always giving me advice on new things to try and how I shouldn’t put myself down; he does compliment me and make me feel good. But I don’t know if I can (or should) get over the occasional coldness and anger he does have. That is a part of who he is and I don’t want to (and can’t 100% ever) change that. I do respect who he is as a person and I feel it might be wrong to try to expect something from him he cannot or does not want to give. As much as I do want to stay with him and miss him as a best friend I can’t string him a long anymore, or so I’m thinking. But should I be thinking this?

When you’re with someone you tend to think about the bad stuff: why does he get so angry sometimes? He’s so pig-headed. Or maybe the more common can’t he clean up after himself complaints. But when you’re not with someone you see the best of them: like I said I already miss him horribly and can’t stop crying or thinking of him. I can’t forget the good times but I am also unsure if I can handle the emotion-less-ness he has at times. Though after trying to break up with him I can tell he’s upset, crying, I know he does care, and so do I. This is what makes it so very hard. I want to call him and apologize and take back breaking up with him and the pain I caused him because I do feel guilty and upset/sad I hurt him – I don’t want to hurt him, I truly do not, I love him. But if I do give in, things won’t change, at least not for long. People do not change (me nor him). I can’t expect him to move to where I am like everything is peachy keen and even if he did I can’t expect him to suddenly be this warm, romantic guy willing to share with me his deepest darkest secrets and bare his soul to me. What if I have a question abotu an inconsistency on a house bill, for example - will he suddenly jam it down my throat too? (Again I'm not the jealous type). Though slowly, very slowly over the years he has supplied me with a little more and little more about himself and his past I realize I can’t keep this up forever. Even though it’s killing me over here to feel like I’m betraying him and causing him such pains that may have caused him to initially shut down… Do I have a choice? Am I doing the right thing? I am trying to do the right thing; it’s so very hard and hurts so very much right now. And I’ve been thinking too much about it.

Other people ask me “so what’s he hiding?” when I explain the scenarios; and I tend to feel like I’m dating someone who’s working for the FBI – it feels like there are so many secrets or things are only on a need to know basis. But I don't want it that way...Is this askign too much? Is trying to build a large family (both him and mine) instead of break away from them a bad thing? -Am I selfish and in the wrong?
This is so hard for me and hurts so very much. Please help me and thank you so much for your time.

[smackie9]

Breaking up with him was the best thing you could have ever done. Give it time and you will realize this too. Things were not working for a reason....not being compatible, personality differences, distance played against you. Strange that it took you 6 years to figure this out. I have been in your shoes...a BF of mine had to move away....but we ended it. So glad it happened.

[smackie9]

Tip: you have to let common sense over ride your emotions in order to make the right decision.

[wesir]

I didnt read all of this but this hits a cord. You have identified a real need in any relationship you engage in. A sense of openess and closeness with each other and family. This relationship is not giving you this. Also it is a long distance one. it seems to me that these "shortfall" rank very very highly for you and I think you are very brave for pulling the plug. I think bassed on that assessment of you, you have done the correct thing for you. Make no mistake this is not about being selfish this is about being true to yourself and the relationship.

I have to admit that very few people would act in this way. I only hope is that I meet someone with that kind of conviction.