Here Goes

[Englishguy]

Hey,

This is really my first steps in trying to get someone else's perspective on my personal problems.

OK I'll start with mentioning that my marriage ended two years ago, and I was with the person for 10 years (I'm in my early 30's now). For the first 18 months of the last 2 years I've had 4-5 girlfriends / short terms relationships, I've also been on a lot of dates. I suppose I'd been getting out there coming out of a long relationship and really discovering myself again.

When my marriage ended, I was in a bit of a bad place. I suspected that my other half was cheating on me which led to paranoia, rather underhanded tactics in terms of trying to find if she really was. Well it turned out she was having an affair and sub-sequentially our marriage ended when I found out. We should have split up well before that, I don't see the affair as the reason why we broke up rather than one of many things that would have eventually led to us splitting up. But what did devastate me was someone who I knew for 10 years of my life living in each others pocket could deceive me so perfectly, ok this last point will make sense after I've explained a little bit more.

So the first 18 months of the last 2 years I've been dating but not wanting anything serious, concentrated on my career for which I've made more steps up in the last 2 years than at any other stage in my career. I have a wonderful family, and have great friends (a small group and my best friend is female). I'm healthy, ideal body weight, don't have any problems meeting girls, I'm a guy who should be really happy.

OK this is where things start to go a little wrong, in the last 6 months I have met two girls (separate occasions) where I had really liked but my behavior basically screwed things up. I have come to realise that it was my lack of trust has been the issue which has led onto needy like behavior from myself (which particularly in the early stages of relationships is so unattractive). Both times things started off really well, but then the paranoia stages would kick in and thats when my "needy / needing subtle reassurance" behaviour would materialise, I found myself constantly checking facebook as to when they were last online. And I remember I saw that one had logged into FB after I had been sent a good night text, and again an example of my paranoia.

I realise that the way I have felt has been the same way I felt when I suspected that my ex was cheating on me. I hate feeling like this, its not healthy behavior and its not me! I'm worried I'm not going to be able to break the cycle, no I'm never going to be a crazed loon / stalker but unless I can do something about it I'm going to sabotage future relationships. Since I have realised this as a problem, its made me feel a little empty. I've started to see another girl who seems great, but I have already started that same behavior...

I have thought about professional help, but I have no clue where to go or who to ask.

Thank you for reading.

[dem862]

You have been traumatized. You need to learn to trust again. Any competent therapist should be able to help you. Perhaps find one with a concentration in cognitive-behavioral therapy to challenge your irrational thinking. You might also find some self-help books out there. At least you have taken the first step, which is to recognize your self-defeating behavior. Good luck to you.

[smackie9]

With confidence in yourself comes security. Deep down in your subconscious you feel like you failed your ex in some way and by doing that it led her to cheat. With a deflated ego you are lacking confidence in yourself and possibly fear that you may make these women do the same thing....maybe feeling you are not good enough (possibly). Try this...every time you get that feeling, remind yourself they are not your ex. Then back away from what you are doing, take a deep breath and count to ten. If the urge is still there go do some thing, like go for a run, take a walk, call a buddy, relax with some music...This a method to retrain your brain to break the habit. (I did this to quit smoking) Also make a mental note of your behavior when you get these feelings...see what triggers it. Just some suggestions