Not the type?

[Scarlet_P]

To the lovely ladies out there;

I've been in 3 serious long term relationships, and been engaged 2 times, but have never married. I'm 38.

I reckon I'm OK looking, keep in shape, good cook, tidy, and can tell a joke or a good story. I buy my current gf flowers every week, and try to appreciate when she's tired and wants to be pampered. I'm generous with gifts and paying at restaurants and get on well with her friends and family. This has always been the case with every relationship, and I'm also careful not to be a doormat either.

When I get into a relationship, the same old things happen, even when I've pre-empted issues by asking directly "how do you feel about...?":
- me being a smoker
- that I don't care about big houses or flash cars, or designer labels. I don't watch TV, and couldn't give a hoot about soaps, X Factor or Strictly - I read the papers instead, as I hate adverts
- that I'm a painter, writer and musician, and those thing will always have to exist in my life, ie, I must have time to do them (I don't watch sport, btw)
- I may not want children of my own, probably not actually, but get on with and look after other peoples' kids fine

In short, I'm a renaissance man, according to other people, and this is mistaken for not taking life seriously. I can make good money working in IT, so I have good future prospects, if I decide to stick with it (IT).

But every time I've been with someone a while, I find myself being steered towards giving up the artistic things and working more to make more money, so there's no time to do anything creative anymore. What happens next is I'm just working, doing chores, and aging. And the whole thing then breaks down due to "different life goals", ie, I'm not prepared to sell my soul for something I don't care about. Also, despite saying it's OK to smoke at the start, it always comes back at me. One ex made me a graph with a projected giving up schedule, and it worked, until she was then progressing to taking me to shops and picking out business suits for me, and looking at mortgages, ie, commitment of course, which is fine (I'm very loyal and hard working), but it was to be at the expense of losing my self.

If you're trapped in a life or job you hate, then the material things start to own you, not the other way around. A strange thing happened to me once, when I was about 14 - a woman at my house, friend of my mother, looked deep into my eyes and said, "you'll never marry".

So, my honest simple question is this: is it a case of "find your perfect man then change him"? I can only offer a male perspective on this.

Thanks,
Scarlet

[jennifer.c]

No, I don't think most women think like that. And those who do probably wouldn't admit it.

It's just kind of the natural course of relationships that aren't right from the start. In the beginning you overlook the disagreeable traits in the other person because you're infatuated and probably have this romantic notion of "oh, true love can transcend our differences!" But of course that initial honeymoon period fades and then the main thing that's left is conflicting goals/worldviews.

I guess there are a lot of women out there carrying the notion that men can be changed, but definitely not all. Nor are they all materialistic. And even among the ones who are, I doubt they actually WANT have to try and change a guy, they just... resort to that when they realize the guy they're with isn't all they dreamed their future-husband would be, I guess.

I think the best thing you could do is find somebody who not only says they're okay with your artistic mindset, but actually shares it (or at least deeply understands it). There are plenty of women like this. And she'd realize you aren't just lazy or careless about your future.

Basically, if you find somebody who actually likes you just the way you are and truly shares your values, the changing problem won't happen.

[Journey2Virtue]

I think anyone who enters into a relationship looking to change the other dooms it to fail.

The thing is most women dont want to stay in a stagnate relationship. So when things are exactly how they were in the beginning, something is wrong because there should be progress and moving forward. But you mentioned key things that are really "make it or break it" issues, like not wanting kids. Especially at your age; its not gonna work with a woman who wants kids & is not particularly artsy.

I think you should aim more at finding someone you have a lot in common with from the very beginning and who shares the same goals, instead of just someone you happen to get along with cuz eventually that wont be enough anymore. Its pretty impossible for two people who start off going in different directions to have a future together.

[Scarlet_P]

Thanks to you both - I got behind the sandbags when posting this, expecting the pink granades to fall on me, but thanks for your honesty.

She did art at school, and also doesn't want to have children. But recently, and I think it's because we're both getting on a bit, she wants to settle down, which I have no problem with at all. Trouble is, she wants to do it here in Aus, and I want to do back home in the UK (she's an Aussie and I'm from the UK). The reason she wanted to be here was because her mother is getting older, and she doesn't want to not be there for her when she retires.

My mother is older than her mother, and I'm very, very worried if something would happen to her while I'm abroad. Same with my gran (who's just about to turn 96), my niece, my great niece, my brother, my sister in law and even my mum's boyfriend. I discussed how awful it would be if that happened, and how devastated I would be. She suggested, as what she later called a "joke", that we would have to split up, so I can stay in the UK and she can go home to Aus.

And then guess what - my father died (while we were both still in the UK). I've still made the trip over here to Aus, but there are several factors that make me want to go back. I've already posted on the love forum, but basically I miss my family and friends, and my gf has just informed me the reason she hasn't been very intimate with me is because I smoke (she doesn't). She's just told me that after 5 years.

Sorry to rant on, it was meant to be a general post. I could give up the smokes, but then, I don't believe that's the real reason. I think she just doesn't fancy me anymore, plain and simple, so I'm getting myself back home. I feel right now that even if I meet the perfect lady, that I couldn't ever move in with anyone again.

Thanks,
Scarlet

[Journey2Virtue]

she wants to settle down, which I have no problem with at all. Trouble is, she wants to do it here in Aus, and I want to do back home in the UK (she's an Aussie and I'm from the UK). The reason she wanted to be here was because her mother is getting older, and she doesn't want to not be there for her when she retires.

My mother is older than her mother, and I'm very, very worried if something would happen to her while I'm abroad. Same with my gran (who's just about to turn 96), my niece, my great niece, my brother, my sister in law and even my mum's boyfriend. I discussed how awful it would be if that happened, and how devastated I would be. She suggested, as what she later called a "joke", that we would have to split up, so I can stay in the UK and she can go home to Aus.

And then guess what - my father died (while we were both still in the UK). I've still made the trip over here to Aus, but there are several factors that make me want to go back. I've already posted on the love forum, but basically I miss my family and friends, and my gf has just informed me the reason she hasn't been very intimate with me is because I smoke (she doesn't). She's just told me that after 5 years.
Scarlet

Thats what I mean, those are big issues. Not something you can skate around. I dont respect people who take years to say they have a problem with something. I think those are the types that allow their significant other to get comfortable & feel secure just to suddenly pop up with 101 grievances & thats not fair. How could she not know until 5 yrs later that she has a problem with smokers? She should've said something at the very beginning. In adolescence we tend to do that and put up with that, but I think once you're over age 23, people just want honest straight forward relationships. You're just too grown for guessing games, you want stability. Changes like these are not exciting, they are annoying & can be heartbreaking.

I feel right now that even if I meet the perfect lady, that I couldn't ever move in with anyone again.
Scarlet

Don't be like that. That's why I have a problem when people go into relationships the wrong way, invest so much time just to hurt the other person. If you meet your perfect lady, why not move in with her? Don't let a woman who waited 5 yrs to tell you she had a problem with something, make you doom yourself to a life of solitude. I suggest you make a mental list of things you are willing to compromise on & things you're not willing to budge on, & tell them to the next girl you meet from the start. And let her know, you want to kno what issues she may have with in the first few months, & not to stay silent on this or that just to spring it on you later.

[smackie9]

She's hasn't been very intimate because she is just losing her feelings for you...it happens, as we go through life we change, our perspective changes, our wants and desires change, what we find attractive changes, goals, priorities etc...Some couples will change together, some just grow apart because of differences. The smoking thing is just a lame excuse. I bet if you quit smoking, nothing would change for her. Relationships get stale, boring, lifeless, routine, uneventful or don't progress....it happens. Oh well you are not the one.....find someone else.....possibly find someone that will have a better connection with you.

[Scarlet_P]

Thanks :0) That's actually what I wanted to hear. And I also know it to be true, sad as it may be. I'm honestly not looking for reasons to leave her because of anything hidden, say, another girl, or because I don't want her. You're right, Smackie. It is just a lame excuse, and if I gave up the smokes, I'd have to spend months wringing the truth out of her, which she blatently doesn't want to tell me.

I've taken steps to get ready for lift off from planet Aus. I have a few things I need to post back, and I've already emailed my mother telling her the whole story. It is stale and boring, and I feel as though my gf is compromising my freedom. I do actually want to quite smoking, but not for the wrong reason, which is because I'm being strapped into a chastity belt. That has been done to me before, and it will just lead to resentment. I know there are lots of women out there for me, and I have a lot to offer. Thanks for the boost!

[Scarlet_P]

Also thanks to Journey for your wise words. This has been tearing me apart from the inside, and I could've made a life here in Aus; I did everything properly and even have Aussie status. I just hope she can find someone she really cares about who can return that back to her.

All I asked for was someone who would put up with me, the light and the dark, and in return I've not shamed myself. What I'm about to do is pack up my belongings, post some back, and leave a letter on the table, which she'll read while I'm over another continent. Sounds like a coward's way to do this, but my last 7 year relationship had a terrible break up where I was homeless and crashing on couches for nearly 6 months, and my ex wouldn't reconcile with me (there was obviously a secret password to her heart I didn't know), and also wouldn't break up with me, so I ended it and wound up in some horrible apartment in London for three years with a gross landlady who had cats that defacated on the floor. I can't go through that again just for the sake of honour or valour or chivalry.

[basilandthyme]

Many years ago, I was asked by a new boyfriend if I could live with him being in the shed every evening working on his cars Being absolutely infatuated, I truly believed that I could live with it - I even told him I'd sit out there with him. We broke up before moving in, so it never did become an issue. But with hindsight, I just know that when the magic wore off I would have gotten very upset about him being absent from the house each evening.

I think the rose coloured glasses of infatuation have a lot to answer for. So does youth and inexperience.