Trying to understand my husband irritation

[smackie9]

Maybe he needs to grow a set, and set things straight with her....how about him just blocking her number? Seriously it's time to cut the cord.

[y121y]

So we talked last night - like some of you mentioned, he wasn't unhappy that I brought it up because I think he understood it came from my caring about him, but he wasn't really very talkative about the whole situation. Apparently she said something prior to his expressing his desire to cut ties with her that hurt his pride a little, even thought what she said was true. It sounds like she lashed about because he was distancing himself from her without a reason why (me) and she let him have it. My husband is not great with conflict, he had a childhood where adults solved their problems with their fists and so he doesn't handle anger constructively (which is why part of me was so concerned - I don't think my husband will ever be abusive, but I do want him to feel confident he has a right to be upset, be angry, and to CONSTRUCTIVELY express his emotions of anger to help him achieve what he wants in a situation). Anyway, the situation kind of hit on a lot of things from their past experiences together that rubbed him the wrong way. Like a lot of you said it was the apology that set him off, although it wasn't because it was an apology. I did try to explain to him that she might have been sincere in what she said, that it was a mistake to communicate with him at all - after that he got quiet. I think many of you are right, there are still some feelings there for both of them.

I didn't tell him what I really thought, that he should cut all times. He doesn't need me telling him what to do. I hope he does it for himself, and she does too.

[searock]

I think you should tell him actually: tell him you think he needs to cut off contact completely. You wouldn't be "telling him what to do", it's not like you'd force him to do it or like you'd give him sh*t for not doing it. You'd just be giving him advice: that's what you'd do, isn't it? That's also what you'd tell a friend in his situation. No point in keeping things to yourself, you need to communicate.

FWIW, I don't think hers was a sincere apology. I think the whole thing was constructed specifically to make him feel guilty and to make him think about their relationship again. She knew perfectly well that he would have answered her if she had asked for help, and then she deliberately apologized (when there was clearly nothing to apologize for) just to remind him that HE is the reason for which they cannot keep in touch as often as they did. She is insecure and manipulative... typical psycho ex. Seriously though, why would he want to keep her in his life? I think you should at the very least ask him this. I bet it has to do with guilt.

[y121y]

Searock, if he had come to me, not vice versa, then I might say something. I was the one who sensed his frustration and asked him to share, looked through his communication, and asked him to share more about the situation with me.

As far as she goes, I'm trying not to jump to conclusions and paint her off as a psycho. From what I heard, she was a part of his life for over a decade. Not constantly in communication, but she was someone he could always count on when he had nowhere else to turn. I can imagine it is hard to lose someone who you always knew you were able to count on ... and it must also be hard to have someone you count on get so angry with you and say hurtful things. I think that my husband distanced himself from her for a good reason, and I hope she continues on in the same.

[y121y]

Searock, if he had come to me, not vice versa, then I might say something. I was the one who sensed his frustration and asked him to share, looked through his communication, and asked him to share more about the situation with me.

As far as she goes, I'm trying not to jump to conclusions and paint her off as a psycho. From what I heard, she was a part of his life for over a decade. Not constantly in communication, but she was someone he could always count on when he had nowhere else to turn. I can imagine it is hard to lose someone who you always knew you were able to count on ... and it must also be hard to have someone you count on get so angry with you and say hurtful things. I think that my husband distanced himself from her for a good reason, and I hope she continues on in the same.

[smackie9]

That's it....fear of change, guys hate change. Maybe he got something out of "coming to her rescue" so he would feel worth, likes to know he is still needed. He felt rejected for sure. I don't think you have to say anything...he isn't that stupid. He's working on it.

[searock]

Yep, fear of change for sure. He isn't stupid, yet he still hasn't cut off contact completely with this woman... maybe if he knew that his WIFE (as well as his own logical thought) thought it was about time he did, he might see it as a nudge in the right direction. And I don't think that withholding one's opinions in matters close to the heart is ever a good idea, in a relationship - she shouldn't hold back anything she has to say to him just because of some silly "I don't want to be a jealous controlling wife" fear. But hey, whatever works for her. As long as she doesn't become resentful later on.

[IndiReloaded]

I see things way more simple. If someone I didn't care to talk to asked for my help, I wouldn't respond.

I see things rather differently from the other posters. Interesting. Perhaps your H has more depth to him than you presently appreciate.

If an ex of mine, someone whom I once loved enough to marry, called and asked for my help, I would respond. The fact you wouldn't says volumes about you, and not in a good way.

As for why the apology upsets him, yes, it does sound as if he still holds an attachment to his ex. I don't know what you can do about it, except trust him. And, perhaps, help him to set appropriate boundaries. I'm not sure you are capable of this with your binary attitude though.

This will be a good growth experience for you in empathy and tolerance, I think. Good luck.

[smackie9]

I think this experience will be the nudge he needs to just let go.....well hopefully.

[y121y]

How is my response binary? I would not respond if someone that I knew but no longer wanted ANY type of relationship with asked for my help. If we were friendly at one point, but I chose to discontinue the relationship I would not say yes if I was not interested in continuing the relationship on some level. By saying yes, you confuse the message you are sending - I don't want to be contacted by you anymore so when you contact me I will ignore you - regardless of your reason for contacting me. If you are still responding "occasionally" you are interested in maintaining a friendship, on your own terms. To me, that is worse - because you force the other person to wonder when it is okay for them to contact you, and when it isn't okay. You force them to try to understand "boundaries" that change base on your own whims - that is more difficult, and causes more conflict that being consistent in your message - we're friends, or we're not. I've never been an in-between kind of person, it causes more issues with people (case in point) than choosing a position and sticking to it.

[IndiReloaded]

Based on this^, it doesn't seem you want to understand a different POV, just have yours validated so I will simply wish you good luck.

[y121y]

IndiReloaded, I do seek other perspectives - that's why I'm here. I have two concerns only - (1) why he was so irritated by what this woman said and (2) he decide what type of relationship he truly wants with this woman and follow through on it. If he doesn't want to talk to her - if he still has feelings for her - then he needs to distance himself from her, for both their sakes. If he does want a relationship with this woman, he needs to talk to her and get out his feelings instead of holding them in, so he no longer feels anger towards her and she might not contact him so much if she feels their relationship is in a better place.

I do think I have listened to all points of view. Most people have said he still has some feelings for this woman, a few people on this - and other places have said no. It really could go either way, couldn't it? I'm interested in how what he say and how he behaves don't always go together. I understanding caring about this woman and wanting to help an old friend but he has also told her to keep her distance. Proximity brings people closer together, and this situation could have brought them into a more precarious situation if he was willing to help her above and beyond and still had feelings for her. It's possible. He may be an incredibly awesome guy who is willing to stop on the side of the road to help anyone just because - well, as great as that sounds, many good samaritans often get burned too. It's the world we live in. I am trying to look at it from all points of view, and hear other opinions. I heard mostly the same in this post - Smackie was very sure this was no big deal, you think I am a robot with no feelings - most said he still has some attachment to this girl. I hear the majority saying one thing, so I'm going with the majority - that's all.

If you have another view of the situation, please share it. Why would you respond to a request for help from an old flame, even if you were married to someone else? How would you approach it with your significant other? How would you handle it if they were upset with the contact, not upset, etc.? Why do you see he still has feelings for this woman? What is appropriate when it comes to woman you used to feel something for when you are married? It is definitely an issue where most people say - no contact, I'm jealous, etc.

[smackie9]

It's his battle ....he probably isn't going to tell you anything to avoid any confrontation and I feel you know this or you wouldn't be here. If he still has an emotional attachment, oh well he can't help it, he is only human. Nagging at him or pressing him on it will only make him resent you. Just let it go. If it happens again, then let him have it.

[Wakeup]

This is the silliest angst inducing "I don't like him doing it, but I won't outright tell him. He should volunteer to block and delete her so I'd rather get speculation for 4 pages from strangers" situation I've ever read here.

... Well done, Op.

I'll add that I agree with Searock. It is never a good idea to keep things to yourself that are bothering you to the point of making a thread about them. Tell your husband YOUR thoughts and what YOU would like to see happen no need to nag, one talk is enough to get your point across. Then it's his responsibility to volunteer to do what will make you less angsty. He can't/won't volunteer to do something that he doesn't even know offends you. This is another example of a woman wishing her SO can read her mind.

[IndiReloaded]

Why would you respond to a request for help from an old flame, even if you were married to someone else? How would you approach it with your significant other? How would you handle it if they were upset with the contact, not upset, etc.? Why do you see he still has feelings for this woman? What is appropriate when it comes to woman you used to feel something for when you are married? It is definitely an issue where most people say - no contact, I'm jealous, etc.

These are all very good questions. Worth thinking about. To answer your first question, I don't believe in shutting people out of my life unless they have done some very great wrong that is causing me or my loved ones continued harm. Presumably, I once loved this person enough to call him my partner. Since I trust my own judgement about the quality of people I choose to interact with, this means they are at their core, a good person. Therefore, I would treat them with the respect and dignity they deserve, which means considering a reasonable (this being the key) request for help if they ever needed it.

As for going with the majority, well, to paraphrase Twain: when you find yourself with the majority, perhaps it's time to pause and think (for yourself). I will leave the rest of your questions as a thought exercise for you.

I agree with the others, however, that you need to know what YOU want and communicate this to your husband. Figure that out and the rest should fall into place.