Trying to understand my husband irritation

[searock]

This is the silliest angst inducing "I don't like him doing it, but I won't outright tell him. He should volunteer to block and delete her so I'd rather get speculation for 4 pages from strangers" situation I've ever read here.

... Well done, Op.

I'll add that I agree with Searock. It is never a good idea to keep things to yourself that are bothering you to the point of making a thread about them. Tell your husband YOUR thoughts and what YOU would like to see happen no need to nag, one talk is enough to get your point across. Then it's his responsibility to volunteer to do what will make you less angsty. He can't/won't volunteer to do something that he doesn't even know offends you. This is another example of a woman wishing her SO can read her mind.

I so agree with all of this and LOL at the first part! She keeps talking to strangers and over-analyzing while not doing the most important thing: communicating with her husband.

OP, a question for you: if he doesn't volunteer to cut off contact with this woman, and similar episodes occur on a not-so-rare basis, how would you feel? Don't you think your silent resentment would grow bigger and nastier every time? Get this off your chest, now, before it gets worse.

[smackie9]

y212y have you confronted him about his behavior on this before with no results or with negative results or not to your satisfaction? Makes sense why you would turn to strangers to figure it out for you.

[Wakeup]

Oh, she has talked to him about "his behaviour" before but she's never come right out and said "I don't like you getting upset over her or her actions and I'd like it if you stopped talking to her altogether, what do you think about that." Or... something similar that would let him know without a doubt that it's time he put her and his history with her to bed.

... Least I didn't see where she's done that, did I miss it?

[smackie9]

That's why I ask....need some history if any kind of action was ever taken and what was it or why is she so hesitant to express herself about it. Need the real details as to why she needs to ask us about this.....maybe looking for some ammunition for when she does confront him?

[Wakeup]

That's why I ask....need some history if any kind of action was ever taken and what was it or why is she so hesitant to express herself about it. Need the real details as to why she needs to ask us about this.....maybe looking for some ammunition for when she does confront him?

She told us that she wants him to volunteer to just stop talking to her because basically she doesn't want to look insecure, or like the demanding wife... which is just a waste of her time, IMO. Best to just tell him what she wants and then see if he volunteers to do what she wants him to do... which is quit talking to her altogether from what it looks like.

*shrugs* My advice is for her to figure out what it is she would like to see happen (him stop talking to the ex altogether?) and then ask him about accomodating her wishes. At this point I don't think he even knows that the contact and his reaction to it is causing her concern because she hides said concern.

[smackie9]

I still think there is more to it than she is leading on.....I have a feeling she is leaving something out.....just my gut.

[banjo]

Haven't read all of the replies, but I do feel your husband is attached to her, even if he wouldnt ruin your relationship over it, or else he would not have been upset/irritated afterwords. She is playing games trying to get him to think about her and she has successfully done just that.

[IndiReloaded]

I did try to explain to him that she might have been sincere in what she said, that it was a mistake to communicate with him at all - after that he got quiet. I think many of you are right, there are still some feelings there for both of them.

I didn't tell him what I really thought, that he should cut all times. He doesn't need me telling him what to do. I hope he does it for himself, and she does too.

Haven't read all of the replies, but I do feel your husband is attached to her.

These posts about sum it up. Except I disagree on telling him your opinion. You should have *suggested* cutting ties is a good thing to do.

What insecurities is the fact he still holds feelings for her doing to you? You should think about this as well and ask for what you need from him about this. Good luck.

[y121y]

What did I leave out? Well, early in our relationship - when we got to the "are we going to be serious or are we going to breakup" point in our relationship, she appeared in his life and he considered breaking our relationship off and getting together with her. He obviously didn't, and married me, but he CONSIDERED it.

[smackie9]

Oooooooooo the plot thickens! There's that all important nugget of info that's been needed....

[smackie9]

So you feel if you actually say anything he might consider going back to her? Are you THAT insecure? that you have to walk on eggshells around him? You are his wife, you have every right to talk to him about this.

[y121y]

It's not that I think he would leave me for her, the pattern seems to be that she is always there for him to run back to when his other relationships fail. Their relationship was not long-term, but he had others that were. It seems like he always keeps a small thread of contact between them, and if she cuts it, he doesn't like it.

[IndiReloaded]

What did I leave out? Well, early in our relationship - when we got to the "are we going to be serious or are we going to breakup" point in our relationship, she appeared in his life and he considered breaking our relationship off and getting together with her. He obviously didn't, and married me, but he CONSIDERED it.

Ok. I'm going to take a stab at your gibbering monkey here.

You worry you are sloppy seconds to this woman. Check your navel on this one. Something about this woman and your husband scares the hell out of you. When there is a contact b/t them, you walk on eggshells worrying he may leave you for her.

Here's how I would think about this. He married YOU. Not her. Unless he is someone who doesn't value marriage, that commitment demands some respect in the form of trust from you. Noone owns anyone else. Even in the best, most loving of marriages, there is that chance that any day, one of the spouses may meet their 'soulmate' and end the marriage. Or either of you may be hit by a bus, or the plane crashes or... I hope you see my point.

In a committed marriage, I believe both partners should be able to discuss their fears honestly and with the expectation they feel safe to do so. Do this. Tell him your fears about her and him, tell him how much you love him. Tell him what you *need* from him to feel secure in order to move forward. If he loves you, he will respond. Don't forget to screw his brains out with gratitude and love.

If you can't make this leap of faith with your own husband, then in my opinion you may as well file for divorce now and let them be together if that's what they want.

[y121y]

But if he chose me, why does he still continue to remain in contact with her? I know she is the one that starts it 99% of the time, and he chose me for a wife - is it just politeness? Honoring their former relationship?

[Wakeup]

You're not getting it. Reread Indie's post above... You need to discuss this with him, not us.