Trying to understand my husband irritation

[y121y]

I don't know all the facts, but I'll tell you what I know.

My husband had an ex he remained friends with for years that got a little too attached to him. At one time he was interested, but he met me and we got married. As he tried to wean her off him, he avoided her and hoped she would get the point - she didn't. He finally asked for very limited contact with her, and ignored much from her over the time we were planning our wedding.

She contacted him last week for help with something. He didn't tell me, but I trust my husband. I found out about this a few days after because he was very crabby and I asked what bothered him. Apparently she asked for help, found an answer, then told him she didn't need his help anymore and thanked him. Not a big deal, really, but it bothered him for some reason she didn't need his help. Then, she apologized for contacting him, and it seems he thought she was implying he stop everything he was doing to help her and that really irritated him.

I don't really get what he is upset about. She asked for his help and then found the answer she needed - that's good, it meant he didn't have to put the effort into helping her. She apologized, which in a way was nice, I don't think she should have contacted him in the first place and I don't think he should have responded. He asked her not to, I think she felt badly for doing so. I don't think she needed to tell him that though. It kind of seems like she wanted an excuse to talk to him, and once she did it thought twice about her actions. But quite honestly, he didn't need to help her - he decided he was willing to. So his getting upset, isn't that his own fault for helping someone he didn't want to talk to and then by taking offense to her apology for contacting him in the first place?

I see things way more simple. If someone I didn't care to talk to asked for my help, I wouldn't respond. If someone did say something offensive I would maybe get upset, but if I don't care about them, I won't be bothered much by what they say for long. He seemed to really be aggravated by this woman, and I don't know why it bothers him and why he read so much into a simple apology.

[Guybrush]

I don't understand; which part of the story you want our opinion on?

[y121y]

Why my husband was so upset by this situation. He didn't have to engage in any contact with this woman, but he did, then got aggravated by what seems like a simple miscommunication/misunderstanding.

[Wakeup]

I suggest you tell him that he's investing toooooo much emotion in a woman that he should have stopped talking to the minute he got engaged to you. (re: his anger and resentment) It sounds like Your dude still has some kind of attachment to this chick and when she didn't need his help any longer, he felt left out somehow. Did another guy help his girl ... friend?

Anyway, we can guess for 8 more pages and we'd still not be able to tell you what is actually going on inside your husband's head. Why don't you bring it up to him? Hopefully, he'll be honest with you.

What is your gut trying to tell you, y121y? Why do YOU think he was upset?

[searock]

Wakeup is right, he is still emotionally attached to this woman, to the point that even something as simple as an apology can irritate him a lot. It's not a rational thing, so don't try to understand it as such. It just means that he still has strong feelings for her - not in a "I wish I could get back together with her" way, just feelings that he can't help. I bet she was a huge part of his life, some time in his life. There's nothing much you can do, but I'm sure it will pass as soon as he stops hearing from her for a long time again. Somehow hearing from her again gave him a "rush", and when she told him she didn't need him anymore he felt it slipping away, and it upset him a lot.

You can try asking, although I'm pretty sure he won't give you a straight answer. I bet even he doesn't fully understand his own reaction. But I'd definitely ask if I were you. He needs to get over her completely, so he needs to see the problem, see that it IS a problem, and start taking action. First step: cut contact with her completely.

[dem862]

Does he get an ego boost by rescuing people? Does he base part of his self-worth on being useful and needed? If so, her display may have upset him because he sees it as lessening in importance in the eyes of someone he once cared about. It seems like some kind of loss for him or perhaps a realization that his worldview is not as he perceived it, at least as far as this woman is concerned. I wouldn't worry about it too much. He will get over it soon enough. Overall, it is a positive step in distancing himself from this woman. There is a process of disentanglement taking place that no doubt is still causing some emotional pain for him. You seem like a good wife to not judge him or jump to conclusions. Good luck to you.

[y121y]

Thanks dem862. We made a pact to each other, a promise to each other, and we're a team. I'm more concerned about him than I am about his feelings for this woman. I know who he comes home to every night, and I've also been where he has been in regards to a former flame.

I know he has not initiated any of the contact, she has. But I still have a little trouble feeling like he is being harassed by her. He chose to ask for "limited" not "total" no contact, so in that way he did leave the door open for additional contact. He has also responded to her - he has not totally severed contact. I feel sorry that he feels for this woman something that makes it hard for him to totally remove her from his life, yet unable to be a part of it. I don't begrudge him female friends or want to be jealous of them. If he wants her in his life and his anger is based on something fixable, I would like to help him. If they had a misunderstanding or if he feels it is his duty to his wife to cut all contact with her, it's not necessary. I am secure in myself to not feel threatened.

We do have full disclosure, so I did a little quick investigating. What seemed to set him off was her apology, which I think was positive in her distancing herself from him as well. It seems she felt guilt over contacting him, and her apology was more along the lines of being sorry for contacting him/not leaving him alone and keeping her distance. I wish my husband hadn't misunderstood that; I think it might give him relief to know she is intending to keep her distance from him from now since she is the once always contacting him. It may not happen, but it sounds positive.

I will talk with him when he gets home tonight. I want him to be happy. He wasn't angry, storming around for days or anything but he was distressed. I love him, and if I can help I would like to be supportive in any way I can. If she meant something to him, I want him to find a way to make his peace with not having her in his life anymore.

[Wakeup]

Why do you think he was irritated? How do you think you can help/support him?

[smackie9]

I doubt he is emotionally attached, he was just being a nice guy and treated her like he would any friend. He just realized he responded out of habit, and looking at it it pissed him off that she still called when she was told not to. You are reading way too much into this. This incident will blow over and next time he will probably just ignore her.

[searock]

I wish my husband hadn't misunderstood that; I think it might give him relief to know she is intending to keep her distance from him from now since she is the once always contacting him.

Actually, I think this is exactly what upset him: the thought of her possibly not contacting him ever again. It just means he's still emotionally attached to the memory of her, so you're right in not feeling threatened. They chose to not cut off contact completely when they broke up, and now he's paying the toll for not erasing her from his life asap... he's still connected to her and needs to go through that pain now that he's with you. It's not a big deal though - it would be nice if HE were the one to ask her to stop contacting him altogether, but hey. As long as you're fine with it, no harm done.

[y121y]

Wakeup, honestly I don't know how to support him. I do know that I hate seeing him upset, and want to help him understand that if for some reason this woman sets off anger in him he needs to walk away. Or, if he needs to sit down and confront whatever issues from the past to get to some sort of resolution - without becoming friends again - I want to encourage him to do that. I don't see him moping about this, once we he got it off his chest he seemed to be better, and so I thought if he could get "constructively" his anger out at her it might help both of them move forward. I think she misses him, and I wonder if that is why she contacts him even though she knows she shouldn't.

Smackie9, maybe you are right. I don't know, that's why I posted here. I am going to talk to my husband, but I want to see this situation from all perspectives first - not just mine. I do not want to seem like a jealous wife, and I don't want to jump to conclusions. I did go through my husband's communication - we are able, but we need to share that with each other - and my concern still remains how much he read into this situation. It seemed innocent, and straightforward. She - can you help? He - yes, what do you need? She - description. She - found answer, thanks. She - sorry for getting in touch. He - responding to whatever set him off after hearing she found the answer and apologizing. Her communication was brief - there wasn't really anything to be upset over. It sounds like she continued to investigate the problem herself and found the answer before my husband did. It seems, in my mind, that he had "much ado about nothing". My husband is kind, and will bend over backwards to help a friend. Is it possible that was his motivation? 100% But, having someone find an solution before you can isn't a slight. She was motivated to solve her problem - seeking help, looking for answers in other places; he - well, he didn't work on it right away and his help wasn't needed anymore. Not worth getting upset over, don't you think?

[searock]

If she had just limited herself to saying "hey no worries, I found a solution, thanks anyway", I doubt he would have gotten upset at all. Instead, by apologizing for getting in touch, she reminded him (perhaps on purpose?) of the whole situation between them. "Just a friend" wouldn't have apologized. They are both, still, emotionally attached to each other, and that's why he got upset.

[smackie9]

It's not the fact she inquired about getting some help (whatever it was) it's the principle of what took place. She needlessly contacted him. He doesn't like games, most guys don't, and that is what it looked like to him. Like I said this will blow over...sooner the better. If he wants to talk about it fine, don't push him on it tho if he decides he would rather forget about it.

[y121y]

Maybe you're right Smackie9, maybe it isn't something he cares that much about. I guess like you said, she needlessly contacted him so he got upset. But he needlessly replied, didn't he? That's the part I'm struggling with. She's contacted before, and he has chosen not to respond. So why this time - maybe because he wants to help if he can. But then finding the answer fast, that made it needless and he got upset. I thought he was upset because he thought she wanted him to drop everything to help her - maybe it was needless contact that bothered him. Maybe I'm reading too much into his frustration with this woman - maybe he just doesn't like her.

[searock]

She knew that he would have answered if she had asked him for help... he was mad at himself for falling for it and replying, as well as having to hear her apologize for even contacting him, therefore reminding him yet again of their history while at the same time throwing a subtle accusation at him (at least, that's how he interpreted it). It's not that tough to understand really: why are you struggling with it so much? What do you want to believe?

BTW yes, you are definitely over-analizing. As I said, this event is of no consequence - he'll stop thinking about it as soon as enough time passes without any contact between them.