Marriage falling apart out of nowhere

[IndiReloaded]

LOL...my post was only directed at the girl trying to make this post all about her, which should have been clear by the fact that I quoted her post first, then posted mine. I did mess up at first (just joined this forum today) and deleted my original post that didn't quote her. I guess you saw the first one before I deleted and used the quote feature.

It's okay, I removed that post so the thread flows better now. Welcome to the forum.

[HeartIsAching]

Not everyone shares your POV, just so you know. Some feel that once a relationship ends, they are free to see whomever they wish. Something about relationships not implying ownership of another.

Right on target.

[Dorney]

Not very often do you hear of an infidelity where everything within the marriage has been perfect... well except in the instance of serial cheaters ~ Those types will cheat even when things are incredibly perfect because sex is an addiction to them

With women it's not just about sex, it's about ego stroking and emotional satisfaction. With men it's about sex. Women cheat usually because of emotional neglect. This girl is just diving right in to get was she has so been missing from you. It may not be love, but it's obsession which can be even more deadly.

I would however, wager that the OP's cheating whore WAS emotionally unsatisfied and cheated... but of course never bothered to actually communicate that to him in any meaningful way. Bet she moped around the house and sighed dramatically a lot.

Well, HIA if she actually had communicated her dissatisfaction with things, how could she possibly have justified (to herself) her sexual liasons after her main squeeze was doing his best to make things right with her? These "excuses" of not being fulfilled emotionally are bogus IMNSHO. Cheating is totally about insecurity and low self-esteem and being self-absorbed (nothing less, nothing more). People who are not harbouring those negative atributes actually take the time to try and fix whats wrong at the home front.

Pretty much all of these are spot on.

So, she comes from a family with a history of mental illness (Scizophernia, Bi-polar and breakdowns) and despite being beautiful, she has had some serious self loathing/self esteem issues for a very long time (since way before we met). She also comes from a family who don't talk, don't communicate and where things just get brushed under the carpet and never spoken about.

She's telling me that there are two reasons why this has happened. The first is her need for constant approval and to reward people who like her. She's apparently amazed someone would like her and find her attractive. The second is that, because of my cancer, my outlook on life is quite short-term for someone my age. I don't sweat job security and the traditional 'needs' of a human and this apparently scares her (although it's the first it's ever been brought up). The problem was for me, my only 'need' was her and now that's done.

What the above says to me is two things. She's either genuine damaged goods (much like her family) or a manipulative, skilled, liar (and by proxy a serial cheat). Either way, she's not the women I loved. She's not the woman I married 18 months ago and she's not the woman who cared for me when I was sick.

I wish I was a better man to have the strength to find out which.

[bcgirl]

^ she comes from a dysfunctional family. Unfortunately much of who u are is shaped by your youth and how u were raised. Her family never communicates thus its no surprise that she isn't a good communicator. Communication is key to a healthy marriage. If she isn't communicating to you but secretly hoping you are going to magically read her mind and satisfy her needs that way... It's never in a million years going to happen. It just leads her to be upset about something you are or aren't doing and so she seeks it out elsewhere. Unless she seeks out professional help, she will forever be like this. Some serial cheaters (the ones who aren't sociopaths) have a poor lack of communication and think that their spouse should be able to fulfill their needs without communication (like some fairy tale). They end up cheating with someone who they think have filled a void only to realize down the road it's the same situation, and so they cheat again to fill a void.

[smackie9]

Not looking to blame, just pointing out cause, and reason for the choice of cheating. Cheating is a symptom of something or a combination of things like , insecurity, neglect, mental illness, depression, lack of coping skills, selfishness, etc. or a reaction to boredom, abuse, neglect, weaknesses, addiction, etc.

Cheating is not justifiable, is inexcusable, is wrong BUT people still do it even though there are better options to deal with their stiuation. Some are strong enough to forgive and move past good or bad and not always the best solution, especially if the issues that lead up to the cheating has not been addressed. But hey it's personal choice.

[smackie9]

*****note I know 2 couples (good friends of mine and my husdand's) that struggled with their serial cheating spouses. With a lot of soul searching, forgivness, and listening, they seem to have gotten passed it all and have happy marriages. Probably better communication than before.

[bcgirl]

^ depends on the person. For me, cheating would be a real deal breaker. It's ultimately the worst betrayal. Maybe cuz I know too much about this topic from first hand

[Starnique]

What HE was doing wrong? If your spouse is doing something wrong, you talk to them about it, go to counseling, at worst, divorce them, but you dont cheat. Even if he was the worst husband in the world, nothing justifies her behavior. And...as if your happiness doesn't matter? People can be so selfish? Were you thinking about your "friend" when you slept with her ex? Um..no, I guess not. I guess you were being selfish and thinking about YOU. If you care so little about HER feelings that you'd spread your legs for someone she's in love with, what do you care if they talk to you or not? You arn't a real friend and I totally agree. I'd want nothing to do with someone who could be so selfish and cold and do something so tasteless. They are better off...at least they found out what you were really about before you had a chance to spread yourself around to the rest of their men! Is it your fault that he doesn't want her and wants you? no, you're right on at least that one point, but is it your fault that you stabbed your "friend" in the back and got naked with a man she loves? Yes, I belive it is. So, not only is she hurt because someone she loves doesnt love her, but she is also hurt because she thought you were her friend and you so thoroughly betrayed her. Your situation is NOTHING like this guys. HE was done wrong by his cheating wife. You on the other hand DID wrong by betraying a friend in the worst way! You deserve what you're getting from your friends. Learn from it and the next time you're lucky enough to find women that want to waste their time on you, keep it in your pants when you're around men they care about! Tasteless!

First of all the situation isnt that different. My situation. Yes I slept with him but I dont understand why our other friends would turn on me also. I told one friend in confidence and she went back and told our other friends. That is triflin and tacky and real ****ed up. As for my friend, she should be glad that I didnt sleep with him sooner. At least I was classy enough to wait until they broke up. He hit on me before but we laughed it off. He always complimented me before and we work out at the same gym and I never did it until they broke up. I am a true friend.

My mother called me and says, I need to be shame of myself and she raised me better. (My parents were swingers) She still doesnt know to this day, years later. I never told a sold. Thats loyalty.

All I said was its a reason that she was cheating on him. An emotional thing and he needs to question what he did wrong. Point blank Period.

[Dorney]

Your situation isn't even remotely related to mine.

[Lissy0404]

I;m very sorry to hear your story. I just broke up with my boyfriend whom I love deeply, because he doesn't love me anymore. I know how hard this is. Truth is she cheated on you, I don't think she is worthy a second chance. My boyfriend cheat, and I forgive him, and look now... He left, and broke my heart one more time. I believe that once a person broke the trust, that is something very hard to rebuild. Move on with your life, is the best you can do.

[Ninna Bow]

I am sorry to tell you but you ask the wrong questions.the thing that should interest you is will you stay or will you go?and this question you only ask yourself and nobody else.if you stay or if you leave must be your and your's only choice,not influenced by anybody.But think at these things before you decide:if you decide to stay and try to workout things between the two of you are you sure you can truly forget,knowing and believing that the reasons she gave you for cheating are true and will take a lot of effort to resolve them and in the time to came even when you'll go through rough patches you'll trust her and not revive the feeling you have now that will make your marriage a living hell and you will end up at the conclusion that you can't really move forward and in the end you'll still divorce but after you lost some more years.But if you decide to let go,are you sure that after a time,when all the anger and hurt will begin to fade away,that you will not be sorry for leaving without fighting first.that after a time when you will be able again to look back at the moments you were together before all this happened,all the beautiful moments,knowing that the person she was then is still inside her,actually a part of her as is the part with insecurity and no self-esteem,and not regret for abandoning what seemed a good marriage that just needed help and hard work.you must know from start that there is no perfect family,that you may go and try again with someone else but your history will prevent you from trusting again and will ruin every relationship you'll enter.It is also possible that the remorse she is feeling is real and if you give her another chance she will change totally,because from what I see she never saw in her parents marriage a happy family and in her subconscious she never believed that she can have one even if she was living in one.another important question for all your life is : what's the price you are ready to pay for a happy marriage?every marriage has her price,and the great one take great price.Don't ever fool yourself that marriage is a easy thing.like great careers,great relationships take an enormously amount of work and forgiveness.so,is adultery a too high price for you?

[jolene austin]

Infidelities are a lot more common than you think, but they don’t all have to portend the end of a marriage. It sounds like you really love her and might even want to reconcile the marriage if the proper steps are taken by her. It’s a start. But you need to act on getting her to do those things you desire (apologize and take responsibility) just as much as you will need to do or admit to things she desires. It’s best to go about this with some professional help. Marriage counseling isn’t always the answer and can only be as effective as each person is willing to put into it, but it can help, and can certainly lay the groundwork for why the two of you are splitting. With infidelities there are often more underlying problems that need to be addressed or the behavior can become repetitive. Get some professional help.

[Dorney]

I'd like to thank everyone who has taken the time to respond.

At this point, my wife has had a sort of mental breakdown it would seem. I didn't give you all the facts about her family life before but her mother was an orphan and raised in an orphanage in Ireland her entire adolescent life (staying until 18) and has never shown any kind of warmth, love, compassion towards anything (she even asked me to leave the house a few days ago because I was making HER feel bad and bringing her down). She is just generally a cold, selfish lady.

Her dad on the other hand, whilst not much of a communicator, is a kind gentle soul interlaced with severe episodes of bipolar and has had them since my wife was a little girl. His worst episodes were him throwing their animals at the wall, being physically abusive to her mother, creating living wills (boxes of crap all over the home) and racking up £'s of debt over the course of a few weeks. He's been sectioned multiple times and I've had to take her in to the wards to see him on occasions. Also, when she was a child, her dad, due to his inability to talk/show affection showered her with gifts instead. So she was materially spoilt but completely starved of any love.

Add to that both of her parents were alcoholics.

Which leads me to this point and my decision. Whether this is all genuine and years of repressed issues or just a cunning rouse to get me back – I honestly don’t know. Initially I didn’t believe a word of her remorse but physically and mentally she’s coming across as slap bang in the middle of a genuine breakdown.

I've told her that there's no guarantees we will ever work this out but right now that shouldn't be her concern. I made a vow to support her through the worst and that's what I'm going to do. I'm taking her to her first counselling session tonight. I'm also moving out because I genuinely think she needs to heal herself and understand herself fully before we can ever even consider reconciliation. She needs to be 100% clear in her own mind the reasons why she goes about self-destructive behaviour, why she dislikes herself so intensely and what she really wants from her life moving forward.

I've explained to her this might never work as far as us, but as she talks about suicide and her regret for hurting me I see it as my duty of care to at least get her out the other side, alive and well. Unfortunately, right now, my feelings and my needs are on the back burner, I’ll make my decisions when she’s well again.

Thanks again.

[Boisdevie]

Unfortunately, right now, my feelings and my needs are on the back burner, I’ll make my decisions when she’s well again.

I wish you well.

[stan92964]

I wish you the best in your process forward ... whatever the outcome.