Someone please help!! My boyfriend hates when I go out

[michelleblue]

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years.
He absolutely hates when I go out and it's always a huge fight if I decide to anyways. Im exhausted with just going out and EVERY SINGLE TIME it ending in a huge fight. I've tried to bring him with me and he complained that it was nothing but losers, a few of the other times I could tell he was super awkward.

He doesn't like drinking for his own personal reasons and other than this problem he treats me so well.
He's an amazing person and does everything for me, it's just this control issue that will never end!! He doesn't understand my want and need to go out and have a good time and dance the night away. I have never cheated. I have never given him a reason not to trust me, besides once a few years back I went to a music festival and made the mistake of doing drugs. (this was years ago).. He wasn't too happy about that. But that was then, this is now.

Someone please help! I have no idea how to approach this situation anymore without it resulting in a fight. I've tried crying, pleading, asking, simply doing, storming out, asking him to come to counseling...

For example, even tonight a bunch of my friends are going to the clubs.. They invited me but I know my boyfriend would say no. I told him I wanted to go but that if he wants to hang out tonight, I`m up for it....
He ends up FALLING ASLEEP on the couch at 8pm (on a saturday) and im stuck watching him sleep for gods sake. I woke him up and told him I wanted to go out and he got all pissed and said that he doesnt get why I need to go out to bars, etc.
It resulted in my crying (privately), and feeling more pissed and oppressed than ever.

I feel that if I understood how to approach him when I do want to go out, and how to handle it that I could get him to make a change... Will he ever change? Or is it me that needs to change?????
heeelp!

[HeartIsAching]

His problem is insecurity, whether earned from you or not... I'm guessing not.

Why do you ask for permission? Why do you let him have that measure of control? Tell him - "I'm going out. Come with me if you'd like."

If he goes and starts complaining, remind him that it was his choice.

[surfhb2]

^^
Great advice!

Furthermore, both of you need to accept the fact that you don't have the same interests. Are there other passions you share?

[dem862]

You two either need to compromise with each other or go your seperate ways. If he is a non-drinker I can think of several reasons he would not want to go to a bar. He might be tempted to drink which may violate his own personal reasons, whatever they may be. Also if one is sober it can be boring to watch a bunch of drunk people have a good time, especially if you are tired and it is a very noisy atmosphere. And about him falling asleep at 8pm, well does he work hard the rest of the time and need to catch up on his sleep? Could there be a medical reason like hypothyroidism or diabetes?

If you two are arguing a lot, that is a sign that you cannot handle differences in a functional way. It takes two to argue, so don't put it all on him. You two could stand to learn to communicate more effectively. This is a skill which can be easily taught by a competent couple's therapist. This is your real problem and if you don't address the poor communication, there is no hope for your relationship. Good luck.

[vashti]

I think a lot of people don't care for the idea of their significant other out clubbing... this is behavior primarily associated with single life. How often are you wanting to do this?

[Wakeup]

I was thinking along the same line as Vashti. Is there nothing else you could do together that he actually enjoys doing and you like as well. It's cool to have separate interests but it's a must to have some of the same likes so that you can bond through your activities and hobbies.

Does he like to do anything or is sleeping on the couch his only choice for fun? If it is, then you're with the wrong guy and it's starting to show with your resentment. Do you expect to club the rest of your life?

[bcgirl]

I'm suspecting you are young in your early 20's? You are only at this age once. Clubbing and bar hopping with friends is a very common type of enjoyment for this age bracket. Sometimes ppl just have to get it out of their system and then later in life they can say that they "haven't missed out".
A friend of mine is East Indian and have very strict parents. When I was out of high school we all went to the clubs and parties on Friday nights. She wasn't allowed to. 10 yrs later, everyone is over the stage of dancing at the bar and taking shots till u puke. She is finally allowed to go out without being monitored by her parents, so she is just experiencing this lifestyle and catching up on what she missed. Kinda odd to see a 30 yr old in a club infested with 18 yr olds.
Anyways, sit down and talk to him about your needs to want to go clubbing and how important it is for you to be with your friends and experincing the clubbing experience. Perhaps he fears that you will do drugs again? But I do see how he can be bored not drinking in a club, no one likes to be the DD.
he isn't your dad and can't tell u that your not allowed to do something.

[smackie9]

Just think what it's going to be like in another 5 years when you want to go out for dinner and some dancing because you want a little time away from being a mom. It isn't going to happen and just think how trapped you are going to feel then? Just because he treats you right isn't enough for a relationship sustain for the long haul. You have to have common interests and also both need a life outside the relationship...with him there is none of this. Down the road you will feel hollow and lifeless being with him....you are with the wrong guy.