Advice on How to Overcome Nostalgia and Rosy Retrospection

[love&otherdrugs]

My ex and I broke up back in November, the week of Thanksgiving. I had been a mess up to Christmas time, and went out and finally enjoyed a "fling" from New Years Eve to January 8th. I know that this isn't the best way to deal with your heartbreak, but it was nice to keep my mind off my ex, and actually in a few ways showed me different things I was lacking in the relationship with my ex.

I did well for the next few weeks. I wasn't as sad, I wasn't hoping for him back or trying to spy/catch up on him through social networking sites. I even went on a few first dates with two different men (both didn't really go so well). I started having fun and feeling better about being in this town without him by my side and all my friends in a different state.

Then, this past weekend hit me hard. I visited Dallas area with a friend for the weekend, and we stayed with a mutual friend for her birthday. My ex lives in Dallas, and I would spend every Thursday through Monday there with him for the past year of our relationship. The nostalgia hit me HARD being back in the city. Every restaurant we passed brought up another memory of him and our relationship. When running on the Katy Trail, I half-wished I would run into him running along there, as well. At one point there was a tiny part of me that wanted to text or call him up and just say, "Hey, how are you doing? I know we haven't been speaking lately, but I'm in Dallas area and it made me think of you. Hope all is well." (Of course I didn't, because I've been using every ounce of my power to NOT contact him.)

So, long story short, I am back to missing him for the last 3 days. I wish I could just talk to him and see how he's doing. It's not that I necessarily want him back as my boyfriend, but I want him back in my life, I want our friendship back.

Does anyone have any advice on how to move past the effects of this nostalgia and rosy retrospection (looking back on only the GOOD times that we had together, not the bad)? I would really appreciate it!

[Elias Alucard]

It just takes time. You have to think about the other person for a long time, that's just how it works. It is a time passing part of life. A thing to remember is, it is dangerous to have flings with other people during this time. These other people have no reason, rightly so, to have to deal with your past love life. They will end up, rightly so, being offended by you being hung up on it. Wait till these feelings leave before starting again with others. Your past is not the next guys problem. Always remember that. Just let time pass.

[ashley89]

it has still only been a few months since your break up. unfortunately it's going to take awhile. holidays and special events are the worst... my ex dumped me a few days before my birthday, the next month was Valentine's day, and every big holiday or event for the next few months/year really sucked. I would always look back and compare what I was doing the year before and think about him. I even had a fling too, which helped a little bit but still didn't take away the pain completely. the only real thing that helps is time. little by little you will start to forget about him and in time you will be completely fine. all in all it took me about a year, now I hardly even think about him and if I do it isn't with anger or sadness, just an old memory. I'm proud of you for not contacting him! that's the toughest part. you will be ok

[love&otherdrugs]

Thanks. You're both right. The fling was a one-time thing, because he lives in California while I live in Texas. He knew that I was leaving in a week and a half (over New Year's Eve), and I was honest with him about only wanting a little fun because I was still heart-broken. He understood it... but that doesn't make it OK to go out there and do that with any given man.

I've been good about not contacting my ex this whole time. We stopped contacting in late November, and the only time I ever spoke to him was in response to two emails he sent me (one on Christmas and one on my birthday). In the 2nd email I told him not to contact me anymore unless it was in hopes to reconcile our relationship. Needless to say, it's been 20 days since that email and he hasn't tried to talk to me once.

I don't have any hope for our relationship. I don't think we'd ever get back together; this whole breakup showed me how we were on different pages in our relationship, and he didn't feel for me nearly as strongly as I did for him. However, I do miss him in my life. I constantly wonder how he's doing or how everything is going with his job search as he plans to move. I wish I could just talk to him casually and remain friends. I know that this is what he wanted in the beginning of our breakup; he had even suggested grabbing coffee once every couple of weeks to catch up. I turned down the idea at the time and told him that would hurt too much.

But now, here I sit for the past 4 days, unable to get him off my mind and wanting so badly to write him a casual email asking how he has been doing and wishing him well. I haven't brought myself to actually do it (I think part of me is still cautious that I might be hurt by his response, or rather the lack thereof), but I keep toying with the idea and it's driving me crazy lately. It has been about 2 months with NC on my end (save for the email response), but I'm starting to falter.

[ashley89]

you're going to go through a series of emotions, kind of like being on a rollercoaster. some days you're going to wake up and feel fine, go about your daily activities, have fun, and not be bothered by it. then out of nowhere you're going to wake up feeling like a train hit you and you're going to feel so depressed, sad, and miss him insanely. it's going to happen for awhile... months, even. just when you think you're alright, some memory is going to come creeping back or you're going to see something that reminds you of him and it's going to make you feel sad. this happened to me for a long time. 2 months after my ex broke up with me, I found out he was already dating someone else... a girl we both knew and used to work with. it was horrible! it was basically like getting dumped a second time, only worse. but I survived! I never thought I would be able to make one day without seeing or talking to him, and now it's been 2 years since we broke up and I'm completely ok. I remember thinking I would never see the day when I would be happy without him but I'm here! writing down my thoughts really helped, it sounds kinda corny but I would write in a notebook any time I got the urge to talk to him or thought about him. you can express your anger or sadness in the form of a letter as if it was to him but just in your journal. let me know if you need anything, I know how horrible it feels. hang in there :]

[rayna]

I can imagine the feeling. After things ended in my last relationship, just about every corner of the campus and random places in the city would remind me of times spent with him and promises made to each other. I got over him by focusing really hard on all the bad things and why our relationship didn't work. Spent a lot of time with close family members and spent a lot of introspective moments just trying to rediscover myself and tackle my flaws. But, probably the biggest fix was unexpectedly meeting a new guy that I fell for (after a string of flings). Long story short I'm not with this new guy but my friendship with him helped me get over a bump and start enjoying single life again. So just focus on rebuilding yourself and learning to enjoy your own company.

[vashti]

Aww, I feel for you. It's hard! But don't do it. Do you want all your suffering to be for nothing? Don't drag yourself back to the beginning.

And stay out of Dallas.