"The Talk"

[atl_browns_chi]

I haven't dated seriously a girl in 4 years so kind of rusty about it. I started dating this girl in the beginning of September. She is 24 and I am 32 so that in of itself was an issue for me from the beginning. It started off as sleeping together and just randomly texting but never asking her to do anything because the age thing was an issue for me. I would randomly see her out and we would go home together. Then I realized she is pretty cool and I started to ask her to do things on the weekends so seeing her once a week around mid October and then probably twice a week from November until now. All my friends kept asking if she brought up the talk and given the progression, I stopped talking to other girls but never talked to her about being exclusive. We are both very independent and do not ever want to come across as needy.

Things go on and we are acting like we are exclusive. I pick her up from her place to stay at mine, we spend full days together, movies, Cirque, buy each other Christas presents, take her out to dinner on her birthday in November, my corporate Christmas party, kiss her on the forehead, etc. Hell, even met her family on our trip to Breckenridge where she happened to have family vacation every year and I had booked a trip before I met her. To me, all the things a boyfriend would do. Still never have a talk.

Fast forward to this weekend and we come home from going out and at 2am her phone happens to ring while I am hugging her from behind and it is a guy calling. I ask her about it completely calm because I realize I technically can't be mad. Obviously she says we haven't had the talk and is angry I am asking. She says she has "recently" stopped seeing others but did not define timeframe. To get a booty call, I assume she has hooked up with the guy within the last month.

Other random things that have bothered me:

- put on another guys t-shirt after we had sex as her pajamas. It was in her overnight bag she brought to my place. I made a comment about it being big and she said it wasnt hers. I let it go. She puts it on again a week or so later at her place and I make it clear not to wear it.

-My shady acquaintance that introduced us always hits on her and mid October while we are out, he asked for her number and she gave it to him

-We are out with the same shady guy for NYE and he and his date take a picture. Then she asks the girl to take a picture of her "with my two favorite boys". No picture with just me. That pissed me off

In retrospect, I am an idiot for not having the discussion. However, I am a firm believer in actions are louder than words. I cannot blame her but at the same time, is this someone I want to be with. It seems a bit immature to me and a lack of respect. I do well and while I do not think she is a gold digger but who knows. She pays for things from time to time but a majority falls on me. She now says she cares but I get the feeling she really doesn't or just started to care because she realizes I am a good guy and not a dueche like my buddy. Looking for a woman's opinion because most guys will say to forget her as I am kind of feeling but I do really like her.

[basilandthyme]

Ok, so it's time you had a talk. Start it off with a comment to the effect that you should have done this earlier, but it's better late than never.

However before you talk with her, I just want to touch on some of the other issues you mentioned.

- put on another guys t-shirt after we had sex as her pajamas. It was in her overnight bag she brought to my place. I made a comment about it being big and she said it wasnt hers. I let it go. She puts it on again a week or so later at her place and I make it clear not to wear it.

I don't have a sentimental bone in my body, so I can't see the issue in her wearing another guy's old tshirt. Back when he was my boyfriend, my hubby wore and used items which were gifts from exes and I don't see much difference. It's a non-issue. In the case of your girlfriend, the shirt probably just got left at her place and was comfortable to sleep in so she sleeps in it. I would, however, be concerned if a boyfriend dictated what I can and cannot wear. I would have told you to pull your head in.

-My shady acquaintance that introduced us always hits on her and mid October while we are out, he asked for her number and she gave it to him

That was back in October - BEFORE there would have been any expectation of exclusivity. Let it go.

-We are out with the same shady guy for NYE and he and his date take a picture. Then she asks the girl to take a picture of her "with my two favorite boys". No picture with just me. That pissed me off

You're making a mountain out of a molehill. If you want a picture with you and your date, just say "hey, I want one of the two of us". You're placing secret expectations on her and getting upset when she doesn't meet them. And this was certainly not worth getting pissed off about.

Go and talk with her. Find out what she wants from a relationship. But stop making assumptions like she's been having booty calls in the last month and finding problems where none exist.

[fruitlooopmac]

the best advise i can give you, is rather than having "the talk" about being together, have "the talk" about where you both stand. all you can do is be completely honest, lay your cards on the table and ask her to do the same. id suggest doing it at a mutual place so that you are both out of your comfort zone.

you need to explain to her that you do have feelings attached and while it may have started as a casual thing, you would like to see if it can be more.

you need to let her know what it is that upsets you with the situation and hope she understands.

if your worried about age/maturity, this is definatley something that will show you her maturity.

[atl_browns_chi]

While in of themselves they really aren't a big deal but guys do have sensitive egos especially when it comes to their women. We want to feel like we are the needed and protect.

I don't have a sentimental bone in my body, so I can't see the issue in her wearing another guy's old tshirt. Back when he was my boyfriend, my hubby wore and used items which were gifts from exes and I don't see much difference. It's a non-issue. In the case of your girlfriend, the shirt probably just got left at her place and was comfortable to sleep in so she sleeps in it. I would, however, be concerned if a boyfriend dictated what I can and cannot wear. I would have told you to pull your head in. Not a huge deal but to a man his girlfriend taking a shirt and using it is a show of caring and symbolic protection. Not wearing my shirt, okay. But wearing another guys in front of me is like a kick in the nuts and is basically saying another guy has been here. Trivial, yes. But at the same time it does have meaning to most men. We know you have been with others but we do not want to be reminded of it.


That was back in October - BEFORE there would have been any expectation of exclusivity. Let it go. Agreed if it was some other guy but my friend? After she left that night I told my friend how messed up it was that he was even flirting with her. This is a girl I was sleeping with. Basic guy code is not to do that. When this same friend hit on and asked out my ex of 2 years, she told him how messed up that was and then told me what he did. She was older though and reacted how I would expect (secretly). Yes, I need a new friend.

You're making a mountain out of a molehill. If you want a picture with you and your date, just say "hey, I want one of the two of us". You're placing secret expectations on her and getting upset when she doesn't meet them. And this was certainly not worth getting pissed off about. I agree with placing secret expectations and I do need to work on that. At the same time, a girl is suppose to be a girl. Girls take pictures, not guys. Girls show emotion, she isn't that affectionate and that may just be her personality so I can't blame her for that but it is not something that works well with the same personality in that regard. No offense but I do not want to be the girl in the relationship. Traditional view, probably.

Thanks fruitloopmac. Good advice.

[smackie9]

If it is a woman with some integrity, she wouldn't start off as "just sex". Usually within the first few dates she would be pressing for your intentions, and after a month would be hint about where this relationship stands and what direction it's going. Here you have a much younger girl, flopping on her back at the get go, boinkin other guys, not even batting an eye at worrying whether you are being exclusive or not after 4 and a half months of dating. You do the math.

[CoolStoryBro]

yeah, b&t's dropped the ball here. this bitch sounds like a real piss-taker. another bro's shirt? wtf

[basilandthyme]

It's just a shirt for heaven's sake

[basilandthyme]

atl, I was trying to come up with alternatives to 'dump her'. But if you can't look at things in a different manner, then you may as well dump her.

[dem862]

You haven't had "the talk" and you are making a lot of ASSumptions. Have the talk, and then come back if there is a real problem.