Long distance heart ache.........Don't know what to do!!

[dorset_stupot]

Hey Everyone

I would like some advice please!!

About 2 years ago I got chatting to a girl through on line dating, we hit it off immediately. The only problem is she lives in Sheffield and i live in Bournemouth (240 miles) we decided the distance was going to be too much so we decided to to just remain friends, we added each other on Facebook, chatted loads over the couple of years via email, messenger and phone. We both admitted having to having a big attraction to each other (as much as you can without physically meeting), we came very close to meeting on a couple of occasions but one of us pulled out at the last minute.

Anyway this came to a head just before Christmas when she asked if she could come and stay with me for a couple of days, naturally i agreed, I had wanted to meet her from day one, she traveled to Bournemouth, stayed for 3 days and we had the most amazing time. She left and went home and both spent Christmas with our families, texting all the time, she then called me to ask what I was doing over new year!! I had nothing really planned and she asked whether she could spend it with me, was very excited and again said yes. Again she traveled to mine and spent 3 days up until new years day and again it was an amazing time!! We talked about the future and whether we wanted to carry on seeing each other, both of us wanted this. Our situation was far from perfect I know, she has 3 children and i have 1 (mine doesn't live with me) but to be honest i had fallen for her big time and she said she was feeling the same way!!

Then about a 10 days ago she went a bit weird with me, informed me she would never move and she didn't want a long distance relationship, it got a bit heated as emotions have been running high and deleted me of Facebook and blocked me, I in haste deleted her number so all i had left was an email address for her, I've tried contacting her on several occasions now but nothing, even sent her a message from a friends Facebook page asking her to get in touch but nothing!

Sorry for being a long story but trying to give you the background behind it!! Now do i give up? I can't believe she's gone from having feelings for me to nothing and being ice cold in days!! Or have i been totally taken in? Why won't she talk to me? I'm very confused and hurt!! Personally I think she has got scared and the barriers have come up to protect herself!! Do i give up or fight for her??

Advice please, Stu

[Boisdevie]

I suspect she realised the reality of the situation - that 240 miles distance makes a relationship almost impossible. How do you seriously expect to be able to spend enough time together to really get to know each other? Fight for her? She clearly doesn't want to go any further with your 'relationship' so what exactly do you expect to fight for?

[dorset_stupot]

Ok thanks, You make it sound like the 'relationship' was developed more in my head than anything else, but when you have spent days with someone talking about everything including one of us moving, Yes it happened all very sudden over Christmas but this is after 2 years of messages, phone calls and texts!! I guess it's hard to put down in writing exactly how amazing for both of us when we finally did meet!! If that's the case why not tell me that!! Yes i've fallen in big style but will quite happily leave her alone if that's what she wants, i'm just finding the lack of communication the hard thing!!

[Boisdevie]

i'm just finding the lack of communication the hard thing!!

Perhaps her lack of communication is in face her way of communicating the fact that she's decided it's not something she wants? People often avoid talking because they think there might be an easier way of dealing with it by just not talking at all and hoping the other person gets the implicit message. And perhaps it's a warning that you've two years of your life when you could have been dating locally. I assume there are women in Dorset?

[basilandthyme]

I'm wondering what preceeded her telling you that she was unable to move and breaking it off. Could it be that you weren't prepared to move to Sheffield for her?

[dorset_stupot]

And perhaps it's a warning that you've two years of your life when you could have been dating locally. I assume there are women in Dorset?

Yes plenty of women in Dorset and in those 2 years we both dated other people but kept coming back to each other!!

Could it be that you weren't prepared to move to Sheffield for her?

There wasn't anything really agreed just lots of talking, one reason she was considering Dorset was that her ex, her childrens father, had recently moved to France to live with a new partner!!

Ok i'm getting the general feeling here from replies i'm a bit too engrossed in this and not able to see the bigger picture, I guess you don't chose who you fall for and where they live has no bearing to these feelings and maybe its the romantic in me, thinking there's a happy ending to be had!! I'm a communicator and would never ever leave someone dangling without an explanation but that's me and maybe your correct!!

So you think i shouldn't attempt any more contact, lick my wounds and move on????

[Beenthere]

I have to agree.. and to be honest even if she does respond and you get that happy ending, do you really think a person who goes crazy and cuts you out at the drop of a hat is as perfect as you thought. At the end of the day, as special as things were for the 6 days over two special occasions that you did meet, a relationship you have online, over phones and text comes no where near having a relationship day in and day out with someone. You spend your time seeing the best side of the person, they can choose when you see them, how you see them and only speak when they are at their best. I am sure she cared for you, but the news her ex was moving was a catalyst for her to finally initiate your visits, the reality is you live too far away. Your relationship (as people not voices or text) is too new for either of you to up sticks and shift your lives away from your families, particularly when you have kids. I think she has seen this quicker than you. Its a shame about the no contact, thats poor form

[dorset_stupot]

cheers, you are right and guess i need to be told this from objective minds, rather than friends who think i'm a bit mad in the first place

[JackinTX]

yeah the no contact by her is very poor form.

You said you contacted her several times. How many times is several? After a couple times with no response the excess attempts to contact her are working against you. It's infuriating, i know, but that one more phone call or email is not going to all of a sudden make her want to respond to you. It gives her another reason to not want to talk to you. It's best to give her some space. She was impulsive in the way she broke it off so its possible she will calm down and then be amiable to hearing you out.

I would give it a couple months. Btw, you said you deleted her number from your phone but couldn't you just check your phone history or check the logs from your phone bill?

But like others have said. Long distance relationships don't really work. But you can't help who you love (or who you think you love). You put 2 years into this relationship so its worth finding out if you could salvage something out of it. Or at least patch it up and let it fade away in a manner that is less hurtful.

[phoenix.elly]

Perhaps she's confusing between moving to your place or continue the long distance relationship, and she couldn't handle it so that why she acts like that. You know, she has three kids, and I guess she has a lot of things to worry about. If you're really interested in her, maybe you should write an email for her and tell her what you think about her, what could you do for her to help her resolving the problems (if she's in some trouble) and give her few weeks to think about it. If she still keeps silent, just move on and find someone else who is suitable for you.

[tf510]

You've done all you can - the ball is in her court. Send her a final email as suggested by phoenix.elly. And if you don't hear anything just move on with your life. easier said than done I know, because this woman has clearly had a major effect on you. But you'll be fine.