Did I Assault Her?

[HeartIsAching]

It's not manipulation. He's a genuinely nice guy. She sounds like she has her good aspects as well.

Vince - I say it again - sometimes good people are simply not compatible in their conflict style. Sounds like she means well and so do you. But you two sound like oil and water when it goes sideways. Not good.

That's not what I meant.

If that's all it takes to get him to cave, I'm sure she knows that by now.

[misombra]

Just curious, would you lose your job if you got a criminal battery charge?

If not then you might be ok. But if the situation is you will be let go or it will be difficult to find another job because of it, and the money bags stop pouring out, you could be unemployed. and she will be gone shortly thereafter.

Basically, she's a liability to you. We all have the freedom to choose what we are willing to make ourselves liable for. Just beware. Bad things happen to good and nice people like you. Don't put up money you're not ready to never see again.

[VincenzoG91]

Just curious, would you lose your job if you got a criminal battery charge?

If not then you might be ok. But if the situation is you will be let go or it will be difficult to find another job because of it, and the money bags stop pouring out, you could be unemployed. and she will be gone shortly thereafter.

Basically, she's a liability to you. We all have the freedom to choose what we are willing to make ourselves liable for. Just beware. Bad things happen to good and nice people like you. Don't put up money you're not ready to never see again.

I won't lose my job for getting a criminal battery charge. I'm the Director of Finance for a research lab that conducts preclinical studies. However, the lab has been struggling to stay afloat for the last 11 months, and could go out of business in a few months. My best credential is my CPA license, and one of the questions on the license renewal form is "Have you been convicted of a felony in the past year?" Potential employers sometimes ask a similar question.

She has one year of college left. Based on the things that I normally help her with, I have budgeted spending $9,000 on her between now and the end of December. That's a lot of money for me, but I can afford it as long as I have a job. In addition, she often asks me to help her write papers for her classes, and I tutor her on all the business-related classes.

In other words, she relies on me heavily, and not just financially. Losing me right now is going to make 2013 a brutal year for her, and it could de-rail her education. This is especially true because her car might not make it through the year, and her financial aid isn't going to be enough to cover the entire cost of her final semester. She is going to a school that costs $15,000 a semester, though she has a scholarship that covers half as long as she maintains good grades. (3.5+ on a 4.0 scale, and no single grade can be worse than a C.)

I've been thinking about making a grand gesture of good faith: I could volunteer to go to the police station with her and voluntarily cooperate with her filing a report. I'm still going to dispute the punch accusation, but I will confess to everything else and let her decide if she wants to press charges. My feeling is that she will probably realize that would be bad for everybody, even her, and she would appreciate the gesture and not press charges. But then again, she might follow through, thinking that whatever happens will be just what I deserve.

I'm still not planning to talk to her this weekend. It's too soon and too likely to go wrong.

[Wakeup]

But then again, she might follow through, thinking that whatever happens will be just what I deserve.

... exactly why voluteering to go with her while she presses charges against you (when she's not even hinted at doing such a thing) isn't a very good idea.

I think you're thinking too much about this now. You're going to talk yourself into a guilty verdict (by volunteering when you needn't) before you've even been charged.

[misombra]

I won't lose my job for getting a criminal battery charge. I'm the Director of Finance for a research lab that conducts preclinical studies. However, the lab has been struggling to stay afloat for the last 11 months, and could go out of business in a few months. My best credential is my CPA license, and one of the questions on the license renewal form is "Have you been convicted of a felony in the past year?" Potential employers sometimes ask a similar question.

She has one year of college left. Based on the things that I normally help her with, I have budgeted spending $9,000 on her between now and the end of December. That's a lot of money for me, but I can afford it as long as I have a job. In addition, she often asks me to help her write papers for her classes, and I tutor her on all the business-related classes.

In other words, she relies on me heavily, and not just financially. Losing me right now is going to make 2013 a brutal year for her, and it could de-rail her education. This is especially true because her car might not make it through the year, and her financial aid isn't going to be enough to cover the entire cost of her final semester. She is going to a school that costs $15,000 a semester, though she has a scholarship that covers half as long as she maintains good grades. (3.5+ on a 4.0 scale, and no single grade can be worse than a C.)

I've been thinking about making a grand gesture of good faith: I could volunteer to go to the police station with her and voluntarily cooperate with her filing a report. I'm still going to dispute the punch accusation, but I will confess to everything else and let her decide if she wants to press charges. My feeling is that she will probably realize that would be bad for everybody, even her, and she would appreciate the gesture and not press charges. But then again, she might follow through, thinking that whatever happens will be just what I deserve.

I'm still not planning to talk to her this weekend. It's too soon and too likely to go wrong.

The taking her to the police station idea is a highly stupid one. But it would fall into line with all the other stupid decisions you've made for this girl.

[dem862]

Your relationship has run its course. Now you are just exercising poor judgment. I believe you need to go "no contact" and start the grieving process before you do some major damage. There are five stages of grief. The first is denial. You are here.

[VincenzoG91]

Your relationship has run its course. Now you are just exercising poor judgment. I believe you need to go "no contact" and start the grieving process before you do some major damage. There are five stages of grief. The first is denial. You are here.

This morning, I was starting to think that the relationship had reached an end. Then she called me three hours ago to talk. We talked for a long time. She understands now that I never meant to hurt her. We have both apologized for what happened. We both have promised to learn more about conflict resolution techniques and work together on it. One ongoing sore spot for us has been her reluctance to move back in with me after she moved out on Valentine's Day three years ago during that whole cheating/blackmail mess. Today she promised that if we can both get better at conflict resolution, she will move back in with me when her lease ends in May.

[HeartIsAching]

Did she agree to go to an anger management course?

[smackie9]

And here it goes the cycle starts again.

[Wakeup]

This morning, I was starting to think that the relationship had reached an end. Then she called me three hours ago to talk. We talked for a long time. She understands now that I never meant to hurt her. We have both apologized for what happened. We both have promised to learn more about conflict resolution techniques and work together on it. One ongoing sore spot for us has been her reluctance to move back in with me after she moved out on Valentine's Day three years ago during that whole cheating/blackmail mess. Today she promised that if we can both get better at conflict resolution, she will move back in with me when her lease ends in May.

Of course she will. I'm sorry, but I'm seeing an issued young lady who has cheated on you and who has never come to terms with the sexual abuse she suffered who is short on cash. Ca~ching... I'd be outta there but then again, your milage may vary and your decision/life so if you're going to continue on in this relationship ...

Did she agree to go to anger management courses? Don't let it slide, Vincenzo. Nothing ever good came from shuffling red flags under the rug.

Good luck and look after YOU.

[IndiReloaded]

I've been thinking about making a grand gesture of good faith: I could volunteer to go to the police station with her and voluntarily cooperate with her filing a report. I'm still going to dispute the punch accusation, but I will confess to everything else and let her decide if she wants to press charges. My feeling is that she will probably realize that would be bad for everybody, even her, and she would appreciate the gesture and not press charges. But then again, she might follow through, thinking that whatever happens will be just what I deserve.

Vince - this is a gesture of grand stupidity. Really, you are making zero sense. *Did* you actually hit her, and is this some kind of guilt response?

If not, then pull your head out of your ass and stop this shit. Director of Finance, god. This is crazy and beneath you.

[VincenzoG91]

Did she agree to go to anger management courses? Don't let it slide, Vincenzo. Nothing ever good came from shuffling red flags under the rug.

Good luck and look after YOU.

I won't it slide, but I got so much more than I expected today. I will press for the anger management class after this semester is over. The timing isn't ideal, but she already has a full classload, an internship and a part-time job. Even if the anger management class was only two hours a week like mine was, she would have trouble fitting that in right now. I agree that it's important, but I want to pitch the idea when it has a chance.

[Wakeup]

Just another suggestion: Figure out a way to pitch it now in a diplomatic manner and get it organized so that she can start it when her case-load lessens. I'm thinking You'll not ever find a right time to bring it up if you put it on the back burner at this point.

[Boisdevie]

I won't it slide, but I got so much more than I expected today. I will press for the anger management class after this semester is over.

Vince mate, you're letting it slide. I'm not trying to insult you but for an intelligent man you seem to be pretty stupid over this issue. Why not just bend over and invite her to stuff one up your ass because it seems like this is what's happening. Don't you think you deserve better? I do.

[VincenzoG91]

Just another suggestion: Figure out a way to pitch it now in a diplomatic manner and get it organized so that she can start it when her case-load lessens. I'm thinking You'll not ever find a right time to bring it up if you put it on the back burner at this point.

She is taking 15 credit hours of classes this semester, at a challenging university where nearly every instructor likes to dish out a heavy load of homework. She has part-time job where she works five shifts a week. She has an unpaid internship that meets one of her graduation requirements. And she is competing for another scholarship by volunteering at a soup kitchen during spring break and writing a short book about the experience. Based on last semester, I know that I will be helping her get through this by editing her writing and tutoring her in at least one class. I know that if I was that busy and somebody pushed me to take on even one more commitment, I would be resentful. The anger management class can wait a little longer.