Did I Assault Her?

[Wakeup]

I agree, it can wait a little longer... It's the conversation about taking it that shouldn't wait. Don't be afraid to broach this with her. She certainly wasn't afraid to demand that you get your but to the course. While you're at it you can suggest that you BOTH go so that you can take away your fear of offending her or getting her all up in your face again because you're going to do it as well.

[VincenzoG91]

Makes sense that we both go. For what it's worth, anger management classes seem to all be segregated by gender. We talked about that a little in the class that I took years ago. Men and women tend to be socialized differently when it comes to expressing anger. And men and women often to seem to make each other angry.

[IndiReloaded]

Okay Vince, ignore everyone else's comments. I get that you feel you need to do this to say you've really tried it all. Been there, done that. Hope it works out for you. Do make a commitment to yourself to go into this with eyes wide open at least, okay? Please don't become an Olympic class rug sweeper.

[VincenzoG91]

Last night, we hung out for a couple of hours, for the first time since the incident last Wednesday night. Overall, things went well. I did struggle with one thing that I know annoys her, which is my tendency to finish people's sentences for them. I don't do it constantly, I only due it after a pause in a sentence stretches just a touch too long. But maybe she could tell that I was trying, because she didn't complain about it.

And there was a brief exchange near the end that showed both of us slipping into bad habits slightly. I won't bore you with the details, but it was a trivial difference of opinion regarding semantics. The problem wasn't the difference of opinion, which was really trivial, it was the tendency for both of us to be on the alert for an insult during that brief disagreement. That right there is our problem, and we both have it. We need to trust that neither one of us is poised to deliver petty insults. And if a misunderstanding happens, even a trivial one, we need to respectfully get over it quickly.

[VincenzoG91]

We made some good progress over the last three months. There was some awkwardness at first, as we both made extra effort to communicate with respect, but it eventually became very natural. The last three weeks had been great and it really looked like she was on track to move in with me at the end of May. The only bad part was that I am still losing too much sleep over anxiety about my job, and she has been missing a lot of sleep due to her work and class schedule. And I've been helping her a lot, tutoring her in two of her classes. Saturday night, things got tense because I was frustrated with her lack of progress on a past-due paper. I defused the conflict by promising that I would look at her next draft on Sunday.

Yesterday started out well. We got everything done except the accounting homework, but we needed to finish that before I went to sleep. She took too long a break, and was playing some really loud dubstep when I convinced her it was time for accounting. We got into an argument about the volume of the music, and she responded by turning the music louder to end the conversation. I waited an hour and approached her again. It was getting late, and I said that I was ready to help or go to sleep, but either way the music needed to be turned off. She refused, so I shut the music off. She turned it back on, and I turned it off again. I should have walked away and just tried to sleep with pillows around my ears, but instead I escalated the situation. She reached to turn the music on again, and I grabbed her wrist. Terrible idea.

She flipped out and shouted for me to let go of her wrist. Still holding on (another terrible idea of mine), I told her to calm down first. She pulled free, got to her feet and charged at me with her arms swinging. I grabbed her wrists again so she couldn't hit me. She screamed and shouted and twisted, so I let her go. Then she picked up her calculator (one of those scientific calculators that costs more than $100) and tried to hit me with it. I backed up so that she missed and told her to calm down. She swung again and this time hit me on the cheekbone, knocking my glasses off. I immediately crouched, trying to find my glasses before they got stepped on by either of us. She calmed down a little and put the calculator down. I didn't know it yet, but I had a small cut on my cheek. When I realized that I was bleeding, I came very close to calling the police, but decided against it. She yelled for me to leave the room, but I insisted on staying until I found my glasses. She calmed down enough to suggest that I put in my contacts so I could find them. The glasses were seriously bent up, but not broken. She asked me to leave her alone because she was shaking at that point. A half hour later, she went home. I got zero sleep last night.

Logically, I know this relationship should end. If we stay together, eventually one of us is probably going to end up getting arrested or hurt. If she wants to break up, I will respect her wishes.

But I just can't give up on her yet. I know that she wasn't violent when we first started dating ten years ago. It wasn't until two years ago that she started showing violent tendencies when she got angry, by throwing and breaking things. I understand that she was abused by the guy she cheated with, who was a control freak. I only met him once, but I can vouch for the control freak part, and also maybe some sociopath traits. I also know that she had suffered abuse by her stepdad when she was young, and she was raped two other times as an adult, once by her friend and once by her classmate. I also know that she usually a very kind and giving person, and she wants to work in the non-profit sector after she graduates. So I'm going to offer her a choice: therapy or breakup. I'm willing to do couples counseling with her, but I think she would benefit more from getting therapy by herself. If she gets stuck on blaming me for everything, then it's time to end this relationship.

[Wakeup]

Sorry this is still ongoing, Vincenzo.

I would think that If she was sexually abused then Its understandable why someone holding her wrists would freak her out. I'm sure it triggers some very bad memories that yes, I agree she should probably get some therapy for. The only thing I disagree with you about V is this: "if she wants to break up I will respect her wishes." I think you should break up with her after having a discussion about possibly reconcilling after she has a good amount of therapy under her belt. You staying with her and paying for her schooling and all gives her zero reason for her to get therapy as it enables her to continue the status quo.

I know you're not ready but I'm beginning to think that to stay after this most recent incident is being selfish because staying allows her to be who she currently is.

Did you guys ever take the anger management classes together? You push each other's buttons in not a good way.

[VincenzoG91]

Anger management classes are segregated by gender. The official reason is that men and women express anger in different ways. I'm open to the idea of us each taking anger management, but she only rarely admits that she would benefit from going. I absolutely need to avoid grabbing her wrists anymore, and a repeat with anger management class would help. It's scary to her and she has been responding with rage these last two times.

I have actually seen a lot of progress in her communication skills over the years, and I think that her dependency on me has forced her to improve herself instead of running away or staying stuck in dysfunction. However, once she does get angry, it's worse than it ever was in the past.

[Wakeup]

Sorry, I meant "going together" as in both of you going and being able to discuss and put in place things you've learned.

You're currently micro-managing and caretaking. If you want to see if she's capable of looking after herself then stop being her keeper. She's old enough to know what does and doesn't have to be done and if she's not doing it then all you have to do is stop paying for her schooling if she's not serious about getting her degree. Let go and try to learn to detach. Brainwash yourself to know that your job is to control yourself and how you react to her crap, not to try and control her and what she does and doesn't get done... as hard as that may be to do.

[VincenzoG91]

That makes sense. Just to clarify, I wasn't upset just because she missed her deadline. That's on her. What was frustrating is that she kept wanting me to help her with researching and writing the paper, day after day after day. What I should have done was take a step back and encourage her to finish this one without my help.

[vashti]

She provokes you a lot, it seems. You must really care about her, with the amount of bullshit she puts you through. I honestly think you could do better.

[HeartIsAching]

She's exceedingly controlling. The music volume and turning it back on repeatedly has shown that.

Instead of asking her to leave, and possibly following up with a "trespasser" call to the cops, you battered her - unfortunately, you committed battery when you grabbed her wrist. Anything after that can be construed as self defense. It's long past time for the ultimatum, but I'm glad you're doing it.

If she's even remotely inclined to go to the cops, I'd call a lawyer.

[misombra]

How many times can I say this? Youare crazy for messing with this girl. Be glad you didn't call the cops because you would have gone to jail. Thankfully you don't have kids.

You're gonna wind up in jail over this girl. Then you'll lose your job. This girl is taking you to the abyss.

But it seems to float your boat. What does it matter what we say? Been telling you this for a couple years now.

[misombra]

So, this other incident...

Summer of 2009 was a bad time for our relationship. My dad died in November of 2008. She got raped by an acquaintance in spring of 2009 but didn't tell me about it for a couple of years. She did tell the guy that she was cheating with back then. Then her cat died in June of 2009 and her car totally broke down in early July. She was working a part-time job and my full-time job was struggling to cover my regular expenses, some of her expenses, plus a debt management plan related to large amount of credit card debt I ran up in 2004 while she recovered from surgery related to a car accident.

So we were sharing my car for a while, and it was frustrating because she is always running behind schedule. So she was driving, racing to meet up with a friend who was giving her a ride so I could use the car that afternoon, and we were having an argument about something. No big deal, except that she was becoming very distracted by the argument while driving, spending too much time looking at me instead of the road. I told her to keep her eyes on the road and she told me off. In hindsight, it was reckless, but I reached over and put a hand on the steering wheel and said "let's pull over and switch drivers." That startled her into slowing down a lot, so I turned the wheel slightly and we pulled up at the curb. I snatched the keys out of the ignition, but not before she left a set of scratches going all the way from my elbow to my wrist.

Those scratches weren't so shallow, so there was a fair amount of blood. She was really sorry about that, and admitted that she got out of hand.

I know that it sounds like we're a terrible couple, but there are just these two incidents out of a nine-year relationship, and I don't have any prior history of abuse.

you're working on it!

[VincenzoG91]

I got better at anger management years ago, and I've managed to internalize many of the lessons. I'm much more likely now to count to ten and walk away for a while, when I get angry about something. But Misombra has a point, this wrist-grabbing thing is abusive, and in danger of becoming a habit.

I suspect that our underlying problem is a mutual lack of respect. We both know our weaknesses, and there was that whole cheating thing on her part. There are many things that we respect about each other, but during an argument, we tend to zero in on those weakpoints.

[HeheMan]

Just read the first post.

You told her to leave your place of residence, and she didn't. (Trespassing)

You then, within your rights, attempted to guide her out - at which point she began slapping you. (Assault and Battery)

She damaged your glasses. (Destruction of Property)

You didn't technically do anything illegal. You grabbed her wrists and guided her to the floor where she would be unable to harm you. You didn't even hurt her from what I can tell.

Why you apologized to her is beyond me. I would have dumped her ass at that point.

Long story short: No, you did not "assault" her.