My girlfriend (and now fiance) of well over 10 years cheated on me 5 years ago

[ashley89]

I think I may have been responsible for her feelings at the time, even though she says that wasn't the case, I know I wasn't the greatest BF back then. Things have changed significantly since then though.

there's still no excuse for cheating on someone... if you weren't the greatest boyfriend she should still have talked about it with you, or dumped you. instead she went out, cheated on you and then kept it from you. that's messed up no matter what way you look at it. don't keep making excuses for her, she is the one who did something wrong, not you

[MrMcBobski]

So u weren't the best bf then and that made her seek out sex from someone else. Now you hear this news, what the hell kinda bf do u think you will be after this emotional trauma? Roses and chocolates everyday? Sweet romantic nothing's in her ear type of bf? No. It's probably going to make u a "worse kinda bf" due to human nature of knowing about her betrayal. Then who's to say she won't cheat again because you've emotionally neglected her again and there's no roses and chocolates and wine every night.

It is a fair point. However when I say "I wasnt the best BF" I really mean we both played a part in causing our relationship to stagnate. My role in the problems basically came down to ignoring her a lot of the time. We spent time in the same room, but we didnt really interact. Just her playing games on her computer, and me watching the TV and surfing the net. We rarely went anywhere, and basically we just "existed" together. Nothing more. But I wasnt totally at fault. We had a general lack of communication so problems like this never got discussed before they escalated.

At the time, I was probably "looking" elsewhere too, although I dont think i would have ever actually gone through with it (but who knows, what if the situation presented itself?) so looking back on it, this isn't a total surprise.

Over the years since then, our relationship has improved significantly (even though there have been ups and downs) and I dont believe that we are anywhere near where we were back then. This situation is obviously a significant setback in our relationship, but after the talks we have had over the last few weeks, discussing this, our past, our future, our feelings, and everything in microscopic detail, I believe we are in a position to proceed with a far stronger relationship than before.

Oh yeah, and if 4 years later he's meeting her and buying her clothes... I'd put money on the fact that he's still ****ing her.

They have talked online for the past few years, on and off. I read all their chat logs (without her knowing I could, so they were raw, and unaltered), so I understand the nature of their relationship in the time after the actual sex. Since the sex, there have only been two times they have met up, once this past xmas and once before. This appears to be backed up by chatlogs, text messages, and phone logs (from the phone provider, not just on the phone). Obviously I cannot be sure they didnt have sex, but as mentioned above, I believe from other factors that she no longer feels anything for him more than a normal friend.

And yes he bought her "clothes" but it really wasn't a sexy gift. They talked about a new fitness regime she is on, and then they moved on to talking about xmas, so when he asked about what she wanted, she said needed some new sweatpants. He might have bought them with the intention of buying her affections but I think that was entirely one sided now.

there's still no excuse for cheating on someone... if you weren't the greatest boyfriend she should still have talked about it with you, or dumped you. instead she went out, cheated on you and then kept it from you. that's messed up no matter what way you look at it. don't keep making excuses for her, she is the one who did something wrong, not you

It is no excuse. I know that. It is, however, a reason, or a cause. We have talked at length about why she didnt come to me, and I understand that much, but she is the one who f***ed up here. I know it. She sure as hell knows it.

That said, I believe in giving people second chances. But not 3rd. She has stated she is willing to give up most of her privacy, for now, in order to regain my trust. She has broken off all communication with him, and he has confirmed he will never contact her again either. She has stated that she has no feelings for him and has zero desire to look at anyone else or risk our relationship further. I may not completely trust her at the moment, but I do believe that.

[ashley89]

it seems like you have your mind made up that you still want to be with her for whatever reason. to me it's completely obvious that you should dump her and move on. of course it's a hard thing to do because you've been together 10 years and she is such a big part of your life but I wouldn't be able to trust her again. and I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone like that.

[MrMcBobski]

it seems like you have your mind made up that you still want to be with her for whatever reason. to me it's completely obvious that you should dump her and move on. of course it's a hard thing to do because you've been together 10 years and she is such a big part of your life but I wouldn't be able to trust her again. and I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone like that.

Want to stay with her? Yes.

Will I? That much is still uncertain. For now I intend to try, and she appears to be committed to helping us both get through this. I hope that we can manage to get through this together.

[bcgirl]

It sounds like you are giving the whole situation a lot of excuses. You conjure up in your mind that you are a lot to blame for her infidelity. Much like how a battered wife blames herself for getting beaten by her husband like she deserved it. Blaming yourself is a natural defense mechanism we as humans do so it doesn't hurt so much when we are really faced with the brutal reality. The reality is that your fiancé betrayed you. She had a choice and she chose to cheat. She chose to cheat on YOU.

[bcgirl]

It is a fair point. However when I say "I wasnt the best BF" I really mean we both played a part in causing our relationship to stagnate. My role in the problems basically came down to ignoring her a lot of the time. We spent time in the same room, but we didnt really interact. Just her playing games on her computer, and me watching the TV and surfing the net. We rarely went anywhere, and basically we just "existed" together. Nothing more. But I wasnt totally at fault. We had a general lack of communication so problems like this never got discussed before they escalated.

You just described many long term marriages.

At the time, I was probably "looking" elsewhere too, although I dont think i would have ever actually gone through with it (but who knows, what if the situation presented itself?) so looking back on it, this isn't a total surprise.

But the huge difference is that you never cheated. She did. In hindsight you could say that perhaps you would have cheated, but Even put in a situation where cheating could happen, it's still hard for many to ever cross that line. It's one thing to fantasize about it, and another to actually act upon it.

[ashley89]

Will I? That much is still uncertain. For now I intend to try, and she appears to be committed to helping us both get through this. I hope that we can manage to get through this together.

of course she's acting like that now... she just got caught red handed. she's going to be on her best behavior for awhile so she can "prove" to you that she's not doing anything wrong and make you think everything is perfect and happy. once that goes on a few months and things settle back down to "normal", it will be the same scenario; maybe not with this same guy but perhaps another one. most of the time the phrase about cheaters is true: once a cheater, always a cheater. since it wasn't just one time or some accident which still wouldn't be excusable, it shows that she willingly decided to take part in this knowing she was with you. and I guarantee you that once she has played nice for a few months, it will happen again. if you can go along with that and accept it then best of luck. you just seem too decent/kind/caring and deserve better in my opinion

[foxy894]

Simple.Just let her go if where she will be happy, I understand how your feelings in that situation. I know it really hurts. but it's too much pain caused for you to keep that girl who is playing safe for many years in your relationship. She's not deserving to your love. How could she do such things to ruin relationship with you for more than years. That's a waste of time for you. I'm really sorry to hear bout your Love story. Just move on. There are still a lot of girls who deserving your Love. I've learned from your story is. Love doesn't matter in years.

[MrMcBobski]

You just described many long term marriages.

That doesnt make it a good thing.

But the huge difference is that you never cheated. She did. In hindsight you could say that perhaps you would have cheated, but Even put in a situation where cheating could happen, it's still hard for many to ever cross that line. It's one thing to fantasize about it, and another to actually act upon it.

I am aware of that. I am not using it as an excuse. I am using it to try to understand why and how it all happened.

[tigger1969]

i think you and her should join forces and go meet this guy together. if shes telling truth and wants it all over and finished then she will be happy for this to happen. so what if the pics get out?? deal with it. at least then you both know hes out your lives
i wouldnt let someone blackmail me with the threat of dirty pics.

[bcgirl]

That doesnt make it a good thing.

No it doesn't, that's why more than 50% of marriages end in divorce and the other half of those that don't are unhappily married. Why get married when it looks like your relationship will end in that statistic before it even starts?

As far as trying to understand why a cheater cheats may be something you will never know the truth to. The only times a cheater will reveal the truth is if they truly felt remorse and such guilt that it eats away at their conscious and they need to come clean. The fact that she kept it a secret for 5 years with every opportunity to tell you yet she didn't shows a lack of remorse. Sure she may show it now that's she's been caught. Much like how criminals sitting in jail wished they haven't ever did their crime and show remorse after they are locked up, yet it doesn't explain what evil drive was in them to rape those young boys. Thing is that it really takes a certain character to cheat. It really takes a shady character to commit a crime and be sent to jail. The rehabilitation system sucks cause more times than not that criminal that gets released goes out and commits the same heinous crimes. Your fiancé has a real good chance of cheating on you again. This time she won't be so stupid to leave receipts behind and her chat logs up.
I say this cuz I've been in your finances shoes.

[MrMcBobski]

No it doesn't, that's why more than 50% of marriages end in divorce and the other half of those that don't are unhappily married. Why get married when it looks like your relationship will end in that statistic before it even starts?

Surely the point is that they end up like that because they dont recognise the signs and just keep on truckin'.

This whole situation has brought things to the forefront, and given us a reason to discuss them, and hopefully correct them.

The fact that she kept it a secret for 5 years with every opportunity to tell you yet she didn't shows a lack of remorse.

She is exceptionally weak willed, cowardly, and non-assertive. She will almost always acquiesce to any request made of her, even if that means she is put at a disadvantage. It is something that she has identified, and wishes to improve on, but shes still quite a way off. Ultimately I think this, combined with a degree of depression, and a horny male colleague, was the ultimate cause of this whole debacle. While I am aware it sounds like I am defending her actions, and making excuses for her, I am really just explaining what I know from experience outside of this.

She claims that she didnt want to tell me because she didnt want to end our relationship. She knew it almost certainly would. Being the coward that she is, she chose not to say anything, bury it, and forget it ever happened. All the subsequent chats that she has had with him since the event have been initiated by him. She didnt hide any of them, and regularly gave me access to her email for other reasons. I just failed to spot them, or understand what they meant.

This time she won't be so stupid to leave receipts behind and her chat logs up.

I am well aware that is a very real possibility. However I think comments like these are imbuing her with more malice and forethought than she is capable of. I am still struggling with the fact that she is / was not the person who i thought she was, but despite that I she simply isnt capable of that level of deviousness. All the evidence suggests she lied to be through inaction, not through active deliberate deception.

[HeartIsAching]

Surely the point is that they end up like that because they dont recognise the signs and just keep on truckin'.

This whole situation has brought things to the forefront, and given us a reason to discuss them, and hopefully correct them.

Surely you're kidding.

She is exceptionally weak willed, cowardly, and non-assertive. She will almost always acquiesce to any request made of her, even if that means she is put at a disadvantage. It is something that she has identified, and wishes to improve on, but shes still quite a way off. Ultimately I think this, combined with a degree of depression, and a horny male colleague, was the ultimate cause of this whole debacle.

Horse-hockey. My wife's the same way, and there's no way in hell she'd ever **** anyone else, at least not without telling me first. You ARE making excuses for her.

[bcgirl]

This whole situation has brought things to the forefront, and given us a reason to discuss them, and hopefully correct them.

It is very important to have great communication throughout a relationship. It's also true that many marriages fail or unhappy due to a lack of good communication. However, something such as infidelity doesn't just magically get swept under the rug because both decided to "understand" each other more or communicate better. Statistically those relationships that have dealt with trying to work things out after a betrayal of infidelity will more likely than not end in a break up. Even those that spend time in counselling sessions to help "work things out" more times than not end in break up. We as humans aren't that simple. We have feelings and emotions and are very complex. You may be okay now but one day months or year down the road it can hit you like a ton of bricks. We hold grudges and harbour jealousy and resentment that isn't like a light switch you can turn off. Some days are good, other days are bad. If you are one of the few that's able to come out of it stronger and happier than before, that's terrific. But that would mean letting go of ALL that natural human negative feelings and move forward. That would also mean she would have to intensively work on herself to change (this is nearly an impossible task for most). It would mean dealing with years upon years of learning bad habits and ways of thinking. Things like this definitely doesn't happen over night. Her naturally weak willed, non-assertive, cowardly character definitely plays a huge part in her cheating. How is she going to turn these characteristics around? These characteristics most likely has been with her since childhood (that's a lot of flippin years) and most likely are due to how she was raised and brought up at home from her family dynamics or parents marriage.
I would say the first step would be to go to some sort of therapy together because coming out stronger and happier out of this needs as much help as possible. The term once a cheater always a cheater is a popular phrase because most ppl won't ever change. Cheating is due to some negative characteristic such as the ones you quoted about your gf. It's a lot more work for a person to work on years upon years of undoing bad habits and understanding why you behave a certain why and how to correct them, than it is to just keep on trucking. It's like an 400 pound obese person actually going and getting fit to 150 pounds. It happens, but rare. Those that accomplish it haven't got there without a huge battle, sweat and tears.

[ashley89]

I feel as though some people come on here, give their story, ask us what to do, and then when they hear what they should do, they turn it around and start defending the other person and making excuses. Bobski, everyone here who has responded has said that what your girlfriend has done is completely wrong and inexcusable. you may believe things are going to change or she won't do it anymore, but this is highly doubtful seeing as she has lied and kept this a secret to you for this long. even though she now says she won't do it anymore, the truth is the trust is gone and she is probably only sorry she got caught, not that she actually did something wrong. if you truly believe she will change and things will work out then that is your choice, go try to work it out and I really wish you the best since you seem like a decent loving guy. but don't ask for advice and then argue back with everyone who is trying to help you. you are the one who asked "what should I do" and we are telling you what we think you should do, that's all. pretty much take it or leave it cause at this point the thread is going around in one big circle.