My girlfriend (and now fiance) of well over 10 years cheated on me 5 years ago

[MrMcBobski]

Lets also remember that she didn't "come clean" until confronted with evidence.

This is true, but consider the situation for a moment.

You may be a perfect, upstanding, pilar of the community who never sets a foot wrong. But anyone who has ever done something bad will ultimately find it hard to confess. Especially if the repercussions are, or could be, severe.

You could be feeling incredibly guilty, but if your fear of the repercussions is greater than your guilt, then you will probably stay quiet until someone confronts you about it with evidence.

I know from personal experience of screwing things up that fear of the repercussions will make you hide it, even if hiding it makes the repercussions worse. You are just not thinking that clearly about the situation, and just focussing on the *now*. I believe that is what has happened here.

It doesn't excuse her actions lying to me before the affair, or events themselves, or the talking / meeting up after. But it does explain why she kept quiet.

Im not a religious man, but I believe there is a quote of "judge others as you would be judged". Implying that you shouldnt use a different scale of values to judge people if you cant live to the same values. My point being that I would have almost certainly kept a similar event secret for the reasons listed above, so I dont believe in holding that particular point against her.

[IndiReloaded]

You sound a rare man of strength, compassion and integrity and for that, I truly wish you happiness in your decision. I also truly hope your partner has an epiphany and decides to put the effort in to grow and meet you to become the partner you deserve. Good luck.

[oldskool83]

I think you need to ask for some alone time and take a vaction to family or friends. Not saying you need to tell your family what you found out but some alone time may help. I know of a few couples were the woman did the cheating in the relationshop but they did all stay together. I honestly hear more women cheating then men at least where I live.

Just get some alone time, if your living together which sounds like you are I would put the blocks to some things and or possibly sleep in a separate room for awhile if you are going to stay. You cant just up and forgive because there is gonna be sadness/pain/anger/revenge feelings and later then maybe you will be over it.

what you need is a lot of sleep so you can focus n your job. There is nothing worse then being at work and feeling shock and not being able to even think about your job. Ive been there. Made my cheating gf leave and move out after she came into my bec 2 days later and hugged me.

[bcgirl]

Cheating once is entirely different than cheating multiple times over the course of 5 years and even to the point of lately getting gifts from her affair. It just doesn't add up. Of course she feels sheer remorse now. I did too, my relationship with my ex would actually get stronger for a bit after my affair until it starts crumbling apart again.
There are those that are more or less selfish than others. The less selfish ones come clean. A close friend's husband got drunk at a party and later that night fooled around with a girl. The next morning when he woke up from his drunken stooper was devastated about his actions and ultimately how he treated their sacred marriage and came clean giving her the choice to live the life she chooses putting everything on the line. Knowing he may lose the marriage, the house etc. etc.

I know from personal experience of screwing things up that fear of the repercussions will make you hide it, even if hiding it makes the repercussions worse. You are just not thinking that clearly about the situation, and just focussing on the *now*. I believe that is what has happened here.

Your comparing apples to oranges. It's not like when you were a teen and decided to throw a house party at your parents home and raid their liquor cabinet and clean up before they arrive. It's not like a harmless time you checked out the waitresses ass and your gf called you on it and you denied. We are talking about a sane woman who is your fianc� meaning she will soon be your wife. We are talking about a deep dark secret of infidelity and betraying the person she will one day call husband in the worst degree possible. The fact that it didn't eat away at her conscious and make her physically go ill proves a lot to her character and shows that she doesn't hold you to a higher regard than she holds herself. When her fu(k buddy bought her the expensive clothing she did not throw up due to the vast disgust she harbours for her action towards you. She accepted. She ate her breakfast, lunch and dinner like she normally would have and went to sleep like she normally did. It's only when caught her remorse showed. This in itself shows that she again holds her feelings to a higher regard than yours. She can sleep more comfortable knowing she betrayed you, yet when it comes to being pointed the finger at, being accused, being yelled at, risking the loss of a future marriage and hope for a house with 2 kids and a dog.. That throws her off the wall and makes her show disgust, empathy, remorse

I know you want to put it behind you and move on. I sure hope she gets the help she needs to prevent future infidelities. Once you are married and have a couple kids and she does this... Well that would suck even more.

[IndiReloaded]

Shrug. He loves her. She loves... well, I'm sorry to say it but probably not *him*, though I'm sure she puts on a good show and it sounds like she has herself convinced. I am guessing there is something else about Bob that meets her needs she doesn't want to lose. Financial security, would be my guess. It's a tale as old as the hills.

But Bob, if you are still reading, do take note of BCgirls point about multiple cheating and a one-night stand. Very different.

Also, consider truly why you are so stuck on this woman after what she has done. Check your dark spaces on this one. There are lies we tell others and those we tell ourselves. Again, I wish you well.

[HeartIsAching]

Shrug. He loves her. She loves... well, I'm sorry to say it but probably not *him*, though I'm sure she puts on a good show and it sounds like she has herself convinced. I am guessing there is something else about Bob that meets her needs she doesn't want to lose. Financial security, would be my guess. It's a tale as old as the hills.

His pecker.

[bcgirl]

There is a popular saying..."love is blind".

[MrMcBobski]

Lots of responses, so its epic quote and reply time:

I think you need to ask for some alone time and take a vaction to family or friends.... Just get some alone time, if your living together which sounds like you are I would put the blocks to some things and or possibly sleep in a separate room for awhile if you are going to stay. You cant just up and forgive because there is gonna be sadness/pain/anger/revenge feelings and later then maybe you will be over it.

what you need is a lot of sleep so you can focus n your job. There is nothing worse then being at work and feeling shock and not being able to even think about your job. Ive been there. Made my cheating gf leave and move out after she came into my bec 2 days later and hugged me.

I actually took some time away the day I found out. Drove a few hundred miles, giving me time to think how to react to the situation. It did help a lot.

Also we will be taking a few days apart soon as she has a training course with work (I have seen all the details, know where it is, and who she is going with) so that will be an interesting test of how I feel about everything.

Surprisingly I havent had any trouble concentrating on work (no more than usual anyway), or sleeping. That either means that I am dealing with this quite well, or it hasnt actually hit me yet. I think the fact that we have talked through so much of it, and in so much detail, my mind isnt scrambling to figure things out, and making things up. Its just aligning all the facts.

Your comparing apples to oranges.

I wasnt comparing anything, I was generalising. When people do bad things, they cover it up. Doesnt matter what it is. Its human nature not to want to own up to it.

The fact that it didn't eat away at her conscious and make her physically go ill proves a lot to her character and shows that she doesn't hold you to a higher regard than she holds herself....... It's only when caught her remorse showed. This in itself shows that she again holds her feelings to a higher regard than yours. She can sleep more comfortable knowing she betrayed you, yet when it comes to being pointed the finger at, being accused, being yelled at, risking the loss of a future marriage and hope for a house with 2 kids and a dog.. That throws her off the wall and makes her show disgust, empathy, remorse

This does concern me, and it is something I will be talking with her about in more detail.

When her fu(k buddy bought her the expensive clothing...

I did point out in post 17 (i cant post links at the moment) that the "expensive clothing" was actually just a cheapo pair of sweatpants that she requested during a discussion about xmas and presents. If I recall they were only like £9 or something.

I think the reason she reacted the way she did was because he is no-longer "the person I am secretly f**king" but rather just "a friend who i talk to on occasion". The "affair" was essentially over 4 years ago.

I know you want to put it behind you and move on. I sure hope she gets the help she needs to prevent future infidelities. Once you are married and have a couple kids and she does this... Well that would suck even more.

Kids have never been high on my agenda, and this certainly hasnt helped that. I did suggest that if / when I feel I am ready to actually tie the knot, that I would probably want to look at getting a pre-nup. More of a "just in case". She agreed it would be sensible for my own piece of mind but it wouldn't be necessary. I know she isnt the kind of person who gets vindictive about things.

Shrug. He loves her. She loves... well, I'm sorry to say it but probably not *him*, though I'm sure she puts on a good show and it sounds like she has herself convinced. I am guessing there is something else about Bob that meets her needs she doesn't want to lose. Financial security, would be my guess. It's a tale as old as the hills.

I am really not that well off. I barely earn more than she does. I guess the second income and financial balance could make sense, but I dont think money comes into it really.

But Bob, if you are still reading, do take note of BCgirls point about multiple cheating and a one-night stand. Very different.

Indeed it is. I am well aware of the differences, and we have talked about it too. If this was just a ONS, and not a repeat event, then it would be a lot simpler situation. The repeat visits do show a commitment to the indiscretion beyond a simple "oops". This certainly weighs against her.

Also, consider truly why you are so stuck on this woman after what she has done. Check your dark spaces on this one. There are lies we tell others and those we tell ourselves. Again, I wish you well.

I have done, and continue to do this. I do have my reasons, which are many and varied. Some have been affected by this, some have not.

His pecker.

Well... you know... im not one to brag....

[bcgirl]

[/QUOTE]

I know from personal experience of screwing things up that fear of the repercussions will make you hide it, even if hiding it makes the repercussions worse. You are just not thinking that clearly about the situation, and just focussing on the *now*. I believe that is what has happened

Well 5 years is a long time to have thought about ways to come clean and dwell on the situation. She didn't dwell or think too hard about the situation for 5 years, that is the problem here. I understand those who wait for a good time for the dust to settle before coming clean...but 5 years? C'mon, she was going to harbour that sh!t till her grave.

I wasnt comparing anything, I was generalising. When people do bad things, they cover it up. Doesnt matter what it is. Its human nature not to want to own up to it.

Yes and Ted bundy did very bad things and tried covering it up too. He would have fooled the jury to believe his charm if it weren't for those damn teeth mark evidence. Is it right to do? No because its evil.
Yes, I can understand in circumstances where someone farts in a crowded room and everyone looks around wondering who it is but you don't own up to it. Or a teen who totals their parents car and blame it on a hit and run (yes I've used this one b4). Is it right to do? No...but it's not evil
But we are talking about INFIDELITY which is an evil selfish act. There are many ppl who do come clean and own up to it. Read the other guy's post on this forum bout his wife's cheating. My friends hubby came clean etc. that's my point...there is a difference of character between a cheater who comes clean and one that doesn't and it points to the degree of selfishness.

Kids have never been high on my agenda, and this certainly hasnt helped that. I did suggest that if / when I feel I am ready to actually tie the knot, that I would probably want to look at getting a pre-nup. More of a "just in case". She agreed it would be sensible for my own piece of mind but it wouldn't be necessary. I know she isnt the kind of person who gets vindictive about things.

And does she feel the same bout kids?

Look into getting a pre-nup... Why? You stated you two are pretty much equal financially

[ashley89]

yes, i can understand in circumstances where someone farts in a crowded room and everyone looks around wondering who it is but you don't own up to it.

hahahahaha

[MrMcBobski]

Well 5 years is a long time to have thought about ways to come clean and dwell on the situation. She didn't dwell or think too hard about the situation for 5 years, that is the problem here. I understand those who wait for a good time for the dust to settle before coming clean...but 5 years? C'mon, she was going to harbour that sh!t till her grave.

I have found, from my experience, that there fairly narrow time window shortly after screwing up (which can vary from seconds to days depending on the person and the screw up) where coming clean is a viable option psychologically. If, for whatever reason, you cannot confess at that point or something prevents you (physical separation, or even just an interruption that takes your concentration elsewhere for the duration of that window), or just dont realise the window of opportunity is there, thats it. Everything from that point on is making things worse and its a downward spiral in to "i cant tell because its bad, so you wait, but if you wait it gets worse, but if you tell its bad, so you wait...". During the process, especially the "wait", you will put the problem out of your mind. Its a coping mechanism. Not a good one, but it happens. Every now and then something will remind you of the problem, and you will cycle through again. Eventually you do reach a tipping point, but it very rarely comes before you are caught out.

I know, nothing I have done compares to this. But I can see the parallels. I have been through the cycle too many times over the years. I know it well. And I still cant see it happening until I get caught out.

Look into getting a pre-nup... Why? You stated you two are pretty much equal financially

Having never had a divorce i dont really know the consequences. I hear about people being "taken to the cleaners" during a bad break up. I dont really know the circumstances of that tho. Hence "look into" and not necessarily get one. I think the intent was to ensure we just get back what we put in, and to pre-empt any possible issues if things dont work out.

[IndiReloaded]

I have found, from my experience, that there fairly narrow time window shortly after screwing up (which can vary from seconds to days depending on the person and the screw up) where coming clean is a viable option psychologically. If, for whatever reason, you cannot confess at that point or something prevents you (physical separation, or even just an interruption that takes your concentration elsewhere for the duration of that window), or just dont realise the window of opportunity is there, thats it. Everything from that point on is making things worse and its a downward spiral in to "i cant tell because its bad, so you wait, but if you wait it gets worse, but if you tell its bad, so you wait...". During the process, especially the "wait", you will put the problem out of your mind. Its a coping mechanism. Not a good one, but it happens.

This is true and perhaps how the average person would respond. If you are looking for average in your relationship and not exceptional, then I guess you've found what you are looking for. I've always thought partners should be somewhat equal to each other in faults, temperament, etc. If you can look inside yourself and know you are just as flawed in other ways that you can truly forgive her, well, then I wish you happiness. But if not... there is trouble down the long road. I've seen it (I've been around the long block), you suspect it. Think carefully before getting married. Really, if children aren't that important to you, I don't see the need and it will make your situation much less difficult if things don't work out as you hope.

I feel as though some people come on here, give their story, ask us what to do, and then when they hear what they should do, they turn it around and start defending the other person and making excuses. You are the one who asked "what should I do" and we are telling you what we think you should do, that's all. pretty much take it or leave it cause at this point the thread is going around in one big circle.

True, but then again, breaking up a relationship like this isn't easily done at the drop of a hat.

[MrMcBobski]

Really, if children aren't that important to you, I don't see the need and it will make your situation much less difficult if things don't work out as you hope.

I have always thought I could be a half decent father, but I have never felt mature enough to deal with all the hassle that having a child involves.

We have talked about it and while she would like children too some day, she doesn't *NEED* them to be happy. At least not yet. And I know my opinion on the subject has relaxed over the years, so I could see me getting to the point where kids are an option.

But as i said. This is a relatively significant spanner in the emotional works.

[bcgirl]

I have always thought I could be a half decent father, but I have never felt mature enough to deal with all the hassle that having a child involves.

We have talked about it and while she would like children too some day, she doesn't *NEED* them to be happy. At least not yet. And I know my opinion on the subject has relaxed over the years, so I could see me getting to the point where kids are an option.

But as i said. This is a relatively significant spanner in the emotional works.

Indie made a good point. Why get married so soon if kids aren't even really a serious topic of discussion in your relationship. Is marriage what you truly want? Or does she want it more than you?
I would definitely wait another at least couple years before getting married. There is no rush.

[MrMcBobski]

Indie made a good point. Why get married so soon if kids aren't even really a serious topic of discussion in your relationship. Is marriage what you truly want? Or does she want it more than you?
I would definitely wait another at least couple years before getting married. There is no rush.

We arent rushing in to marriage. Its was over 10 years before I proposed, and that was mainly to shut the parents up who kept on asking... lol. We had intended to have a long engagement anyway as the costs involved with a wedding are ridiculous. We are (or were...) happy as a couple, and don't need to be married. Its a nice bonus and offers some financial benefits.. but its not something we need to rush in to.