Stupid Me

[lovenstuff]

Hey all,so here's the deal... I've broken up with my boyfriend a ridiculous amount of times over the last year and everytime I want him back immediately. The thought of no longer having him drives me crazy and when he doesn't respond and I really think he doesn't care anymore it makes me so anxious. I know this is the typical, girl wants what she can't have situation and its all reverse psychology but instead of just calling me a terrible person (i know it already), does anyone have some good advice how to break this cycle already? Without him I get so frustrated and there is a huge void and I get so needy, etc. and its so not like me. Or at least it wasnt before him. Sigh. We break up for a variety of reasons, mainly because I am planning to move and it scares me so I feel like I should break it off before I let it go to far..but then I regret it.

[kskts6115]

I think you need to make up your mind about what you want. Stop dragging this guy around that isn't fair to him or yourself. Either you want to be with him or you don't. I think your reasons for getting back together are really selfish and all about you. It seems like when you break up you miss having someone there, the comfort and security part and maybe not so much him as a person.. I think you need to work on yourself a bit to be honest because it doesn't seem like you are ready for this relationship. You are much too concerned about yourself and a relationship should be about both people.

Best advice I can give is make a list of what you want out of a relationship and what makes you happy. I think that will help you to realize if this guy is right for you which I'm suspecting he is not.

[lovenstuff]

You are totaly right, it is selfish. A list of what I want is a good idea, thanks for the honest input.

[brian4534]

You need to be honest with your self and him. Your playing with peoples emotions life to short for that. find out what your heart wants and stick to it. just be honest you will feel so much better.

[Rowen]

I think that I have something to add here. Have you ever tried EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)? It's a tapping exercise that's been working for me (even though I've only been at it about two and a half weeks), and I use it a lot. It mainly reduces anxiety to create less stress and fear in a relationship as a result of that. It's pretty relaxing if you focus on it really hard.

I hope this helps.

[lovenstuff]

Rowen- INteresting you mention that! I was doing it for a while a long time ago but it didn't seem to help. Perhaps I didn't stick with it long enough to develop a skill of it and experience the benefits...How long did it take for it to start really making a difference with you? I did acknowledge that it is time for a therapy refresher and made an appointment yesterday...

[lovenstuff]

Oh you mention in your post that you've only been doing it 2 and a half weeks, sorry. Thanks for the suggestion, ill be sure to bring it up with my therapist!

[Wakeup]

Interesting that you have a theapist yet you come here instead of discussing your fears with him/her. Have you discussed this with him/her? If you have, what conclusion(s) have you and he/she come to about your pattern?

[Daphne]

First of all you are NOT a terrible person, you're human and have a heart, like everybody else, so don't think or say that about yourself from this day forward. What the heart wants the head cannot stop. The battle between head and heart is ruthless ! Whilst you may know the sensible, intelligent, unselfish and correct thing to do in your head your heart feels differently and often after a break up needs time to catch up with your head. It is very hard to let go of somebody that you dearly love for whatever reason. The back and forth break up or the "Merry-Go-Round" breakup as I like to call it is a common thing so you are not alone there. I myself have been guilty of it. It's almost like putting a toe in cold water, you want to fully submerge yourself in the cold water but you check first with a toe, you don't like how it feels so you retreat but you know you've got to try it again at some point. Things won't feel fully right or settled until you are completely in that water and that's the letting go part. After a break up feeling lonely or needy is natural and of course you want to return to that normal, safe, familiar place with your boyfriend - it's times like those that you forget the bad stuff and the reasons why you really shouldn't be together.
I think you know in your heart and in the cold light of day that things are not going to work out between the two of you. Breaking up several times and a planned move away on the cards are not good signs that this is a relationship that will last. Be kind to yourself and to him and realise where you are right now in this situation. Of course there will be a void in your life once you walk away for good but voids are there to be filled and you will find something or someone to fill it in your future. Some things are just not meant to be no matter how hard you work at them or think that next time will be different. Coping with lonliness is very tough so prepare yourself this time. Plan your future, go out more with friends, even take up a new hobby or pastime, do things to keep you active and moving forward and give your heart a chance to heal and catch up to what you already know in your head.
I wish you all the luck in the world and get rid of all regrets, it's a good feeling

[lovenstuff]

Interesting that you have a theapist yet you come here instead of discussing your fears with him/her. Have you discussed this with him/her? If you have, what conclusion(s) have you and he/she come to about your pattern?

I don't go often, only when I notice red flags popping up and then of course there is a waiting period.

Anyways, I've got enough very constructive responses to my threads and feel like I have a much better perspective on things now. It is also really good sometimes just to know that my problems are not uncommon! Thanks guys

[Wakeup]

Best book early, then because you have a pattern that is affecting other people in a negative way. That is a red flag that the guy you keep breaking up with should have picked up and stayed away from you because of. He allowed you to do what you did, which says alot about is own issues, but even so, you don't want to be going on in life like you have been.

How do you get from this thread that your problem is not uncommon?