lost to an arranged marriage, family opposition...overwhelmed and devastated

[sayaka]

I don't know where to start. I'm Japanese-American and my ex is Indian. We started dating a few years ago, and while we had been aware there would be difficulties convincing his family to accept us, we always thought we'd overcome it. Our relationship was loving and good and healthy overall except for the big elephant in the room of his family insisting that he accept his role in life and agree to an arranged marriage by the age of 28 (we started dating when he was 25). Through the years, we tried everything, talking to them, getting them to understand, showing them that things were good with us and that we were responsible and had a plan for our future, etc. Nothing worked. His parents were hysterical all the time, and his mom threatened suicide several times.

With all of that constant stress, our hope started dying and in the past few months, I did what I felt to be the right thing and told him that it wasn't worth trying to fight it anymore, because I didn't want a future based on him going against his parents and losing his family anyway. It wasn't what my heart wanted, but what other choice did I have? He was struggling between me and his family, and I didn't see anything good in alienating him from his family. So I bowed out and even though he protested and we argued over it, in the end he couldn't say no to his family.

They quickly found him a suitable match (involving caste and stars and horoscopes and family assets and background, etc.) and they were engaged within 3 weeks time, with the wedding date set for a few months later. He didn't even like her at all at first and was stressed over it, but apparently fell in love with her after a few overseas phone calls and Skype sessions. I was devastated. Yes, I know I should have been letting go already since we have no future, but feelings aren't easy to turn off like a switch. I didn't understand how he could be in love with me for years and in a matter of a couple weeks, be in love with someone else. Is that realistic? He told me that they're in love with each other, but at that point they hadn't even met in person yet! So then after apparently falling in love over the phone in two weeks time, he flew back to India to get engaged. They spent a couple weeks getting to know each other before he came back here. By that I mean that their families spent time together and they were never alone for a minute even. He'll go back in a few months to marry her and they'll come back to the US together. Apparently they're still doing the long distance talking for hours a day thing since they're apart. He's more in love with her than ever though, and sees her as absolute perfection and I just don't understand how this is possible since technically he doesn't even know her.

He tells me he still loves and cares for me, but I don't believe that, and even if it were true, I know that doesn't change anything and I still have to move on because we literally don't have a future together. I had kept in touch with him so far, because everything happened so fast and I was trying to process all the information and not really thinking what's best for me along with still being in love and hurting. Now I think the best thing for me to do is to take the advice of the experts and cut off contact. Problem is, I did this for barely a day and I got constant texts and phone calls from him asking what was wrong and him worrying and wanting to talk. I really am trying to move on, because no matter how much I love him, I'm at the point where I realize it will just hurt and become toxic if I try to hang on any more. But why is he trying to make it harder for me to let go?

Also, I'm wondering if anyone has ever been in a similar situation as me? All of my friends who are in the know just shake their heads in disbelief, and they can't understand or imagine our situation or arranged marriages or anything like what has happened to him and me. I feel like I can't be the only one who has had an experience like this though.

I'd truly appreciate some advice and comments.

[Gorza]

Cut off contact!!!

I've been in a similar spot but from the guy's end of it. Was fixed up to an arranged marriage to please my folks, convincing everyone around me that it was the greatest thing ever and letting go of the only girl I ever loved. Now the marriage has failed and I'm desperate to get back the love I dumped.

At the moment he's got his cake and eating it. Leave him alone, yeah it's tough but if you were together for so long, he should realise that the arrangement isn't truly what he wants. If you disappear, he'll miss you and re-evaluate the decision he's making for someone else. Don't be a friend, be wanted!

[madotnw_nihs]

I would agree with the previous poster to cut off contact. Everyone is different. I know people who could get over someone they truly loved within days after breaking up. While others, can't get over in a lifetime. I'd suggest you don't have any contact and try to heal your wounds.

[Rowen]

I agree that you should cut off contact. But don't do it and keep waiting by the phone, wishing and hoping it'll all be okay... Life isn't like that. You have to get going again and work out things with you. Make time to do the things you loved doing before you two even met. You'll find happiness again. Yes, you'll struggle, but you'll pull out of it.

And when you're ready? Get back out there and try dating again. If he comes back, then he's yours forever. If he doesn't, he's a fool and didn't know what a great thing he had. But you know the amazing part? If he doesn't come back, there's a man out there even better for you who will understand every single day by the way he looks into your eyes what he has and that he never would dream of losing it.
Hope this helps.

[sayaka]

Thanks for the advice guys. Rowen, I'm not really hoping that he'll come back to me. He's getting married, and there is never a chance that his family will ever agree to me so I'm definitely not holding out hope for some sort of reunion. I really want to move on and he's making it difficult. I'm hoping to get my life back and be happy again. In the meantime I just feel hurt and confused that he fell in love so quickly with someone else before even meeting her.

I'm sticking to my original plan of no contact. It is hard like you all say, but I know it's the right thing. Gorza, I really appreciate your point of view from the other end. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you can get your true love back.

[Boisdevie]

If he loved you then he would have resisted his parents and their bonkers loony cultural expectations and he'd be with you. But he's not strong enough to do it is he which makes his love for you not that strong and it makes him pathetic. During the ages couples have eloped to get married etc because parents were against the idea.
Leave this guy back in the 15th century with his loony parents.

[michelle23]

It is not easy for him or for you and im sure he doesn't really love her. he just keeps saying it because he is trying to convince himself. He is stuck between a rock and a hard place and there is nothing you can do. Tell him you and he cannot be friends and explain why. Its too messy. Tell him how you feel about him and leave it there. Go no contact and wait 12months. If he doesn't call off the wedding and come looking for you-you need to move on. I'm sorry you are in this situation-its sad but you cannot do anything about it and you are only hurting yourself more by staying in his life xx

[sayaka]

Boisdevie, you made me laugh, which is rare these days. Thanks.

Michelle23, I'm going no contact for however long it takes for me to get over him and heal. There's no way he'll call off the wedding even if he changed his mind because of his family. It just wouldn't be allowed. His family and hers as well are extremely strict and traditional. Also at this point, I feel like even if he ever called off the wedding and wanted to get back together, as much as I love him, I can't handle his family and I wouldn't be able to live with his betrayal. We wouldn't have a happy future.

Just wanted to update. As of yesterday I began complete NC. I couldn't really do NC before due to having to handle my move out of his place and ironing out things from having lived together for a few years with the intention of eventually getting married. Also he didn't want to let go and was making it so hard for me and we got into a few arguments because he couldn't understand why I needed to go NC. He would not stop contacting me. He kept saying that he still loved me and can't live without me now or in his future. I got angry because if that were really true, he wouldn't be getting married to her and certainly wouldn't have fallen in love with her. During all this time, every time I saw him and talked to him was like getting my heart ripped out all over again. I reached my limit and explained to him that it was best for both of us if we stop all contact with each other, and that it was something I really needed. I think I finally got through.

So I survived my first day of NC. I did feel somewhat of a relief after all this stress and hurt and anger, but it still felt really painful and was rough to get through. Wish me luck, guys.

[michelle23]

You will be okay. You will get through this. It will just take time. When your having a bad day-write here to us. We will try to help you. You are strong and you need to accept it wasnt meant to be but you will meet a wonderful man and it will be perfect the next time.

Stay positive xx

[Gorza]

You're dead right. You put him straight and did the right thing, he can't say he loves you and still go thru with the sham marriage.

You've shown great strength getting thru the first day of nc, I'd like to say it gets easier but it's like an itch waiting to be scratched.
But as Michelle says, get on here if you're fighting thru and are tempted to snoop.

You've done great, and you'll be great!!!