Dealing with an unappropriate workplace crush

[smackie9]

So how would your wife find it if she knew you were having a "few" skyped messages at night while she was out or sleeping? It's not about the content, but the actions that are not appropriate.

[Guybrush]

So how would your wife find it if she knew you were having a "few" skyped messages at night while she was out or sleeping? It's not about the content, but the actions that are not appropriate.

I know, and I agree. She would be upset about it, and I would be reluctant to tell her.

My personal definition of infidelity is any action with someone of the opposite sex you would not openly share with your partner. So, by my own definition, I have been unfaithful and I am not proud of that. I no longer offer to drop her off, and the after-work communication is another thing I would have to cease.

This is one of the things I feel would be easier to manage if I could also explain to her the reason.

[smackie9]

Explain only if required. I don't think she will be that stupid to not figure it out on her own.

[basilandthyme]

Though I fear you will question my motives, I am still curious about Q2. I think she needs and deserves a little confidence booster.

I know I'm the odd one out in suggesting you be honest about why you are distancing yourself. I suggest this only so that you can put in some really firm boundaries with her knowing and respecting the reason. I fear that if you're not honest, she will be confused and chase you harder. I only say this because I accept unwanted changes far better if I know the reason behind them...and I assume (correctly or incorrectly) that others also accept change better if they know the reason.

However, if your motivation is 'confidence boosting' then I think telling her is the wrong thing to do. This would be inappropriate on too many levels.

[searock]

I also think that you should distance yourself from this woman as soon as possible, and keep your relationship on a strictly professional level. You don't owe her anything else, and her confidence issues are really none of your concern. Stop the emotional cheating immediately.

She is an adult, she knows that you are married: she will understand, there's absolutely no need for an explanation.

[Guybrush]

However, if your motivation is 'confidence boosting' then I think telling her is the wrong thing to do. This would be inappropriate on too many levels.

Good point! But no, this would not be my motivation. Rather, what you also outline in your first paragraphs.

I guess I was just hoping that something good could come out of it also for her. I think I might feel a bit guilty because she helped bring out a spark in me that I in turn used to improve my marriage. But I agree, this might be irrelevant. I tend to worry to much about my influence on other people's feelings.

[Guybrush]

I only say this because I accept unwanted changes far better if I know the reason behind them...and I assume (correctly or incorrectly) that others also accept change better if they know the reason.

This is exactly why I considered this approach. Seing the other posters' advice, I am now more reluctant.

[Wakeup]

I fear that if you're not honest, she will be confused and chase you harder

So what? He just ignores her harder. I'm thinking that the concern is NOT for her. The concern is for Guy and His Wife and where guy should be aim his own concern. As far as the collegue, well she's in a relationship as well and if Guy does this by keeping things professional but friendly and discontinuing all boundary crossing intents and actions while slowly distancing himself.. then chickie will soon enough be grateful that she, herself can get back to the emotional connect she needs to aim at her boyfriend. JMNSHO.

[IndiReloaded]

I would like your input on this before I proceed. More specifically:

1: Is being honest with her the morally right thing to do?
2: Would a confession of my feelings somehow flatter her and give her a little confidence-booster, or just freak her out? Bear in mind that I suspect she had feelings towards me too, but I think she now values me primarily as a friend.
3: Will being open and explicit help me get over her, or just make it worse? I can deal with the embarrassment, since I don’t take myself more seriously than being able to laugh about the whole thing.
4: Will it be possible to maintain a friendly and platonic relationship with her afterwards? We don’t work in the same departments and normally won’t bump into each other unless we intend to.

Hi Guy - Okay, I think you've got a sense of the posters here, and we you, that we can discuss this brass tacks, yes?

1. Hell no. Don't tell her. Go read Will Harley's stuff on affairs. Telling her is the first step on the *very* slippery slope.

2. This is what I call a 'wrong question' and therefore the answer is irrelevant. You are married. Giving a woman other than your wife a confidence boost is not your concern. Refer to 1. and read Will Harley.

3. It will make it worse. Much worse. Been there done that with a (sort of) EA with a friend. No go zone, Guy. You have to eat your feelings up and channel them at your wife.

4. Be friendly, but not friends. No 'relationship' at all, platonic or otherwise. Again, refer to WH excellent, evidence-based opinion on this.

Hope this helps. If you care about your marriage, end this now. It may suck for a while, but time does heal all.

[HeartIsAching]

I know I'm the odd one out in suggesting you be honest about why you are distancing yourself. I suggest this only so that you can put in some really firm boundaries with her knowing and respecting the reason. I fear that if you're not honest, she will be confused and chase you harder. I only say this because I accept unwanted changes far better if I know the reason behind them...and I assume (correctly or incorrectly) that others also accept change better if they know the reason.

However, if your motivation is 'confidence boosting' then I think telling her is the wrong thing to do. This would be inappropriate on too many levels.

No, I agree with this too - but be prepared for the possibility that she'll say it's the same for her... be ready to acknowledge it and set your boundaries anyhow.

[Wakeup]

Well, to each their own but if I knew that my husband had told another women that he had "feeeeeeelings" for her, then It wouldn't be good. IMO - If Guy is going to tell her anything then it should be limited to something like: "Our friendship is crossing mine and my wife's relationship boundaries and I'm uncomfortable with that fact." But... that should only be said, if (like smackie said) SHE brings up why you are'nt, any longer, stroking her ego.

[HeartIsAching]

Well, to each their own but if I knew that my husband had told another women that he had "feeeeeeelings" for her, then It wouldn't be good. IMO - If Guy is going to tell her anything then it should be limited to something like: "Our friendship is crossing mine and my wife's relationship boundaries and I'm uncomfortable with that fact." But... that should only be said, if (like smackie said) SHE brings up why you are'nt, any longer, stroking her ego.

That's sort of what I had in mind.

[basilandthyme]

OK, so the vote is to not tell her about feelings. But perhaps there are other ways he could say "no" and tell her that he's backing off.

What about something along the lines of "I feel it's just not appropriate"?

[searock]

Yes, he may say something along those lines, but only if she explicitly asks for an explanation. I think she's big enough to understand perfectly well without the need of any explanation.

[Guybrush]

Thanks a lot so far!! This has really helped. I am no longer determined to explain to her, but still need to sort out some details. Will be back for more...