Feelings for her just won't go away.

[lbnine]

It's around 9 months since we broke up after being together 2 years, one night I make her feel jealous and she say she will never care about me again. I tried to apologize numerous times but it was always ignored. I loved her but was in a panic; the advice I got from everyone was to move on, and any attempts I did I felt I was digging my own grave. My heart just wasn't in it and all I could think is that it was just helping her forget me instead, there was always indecision, guilt and the back of my mind.

I though I had moved on but these dreams of her keep coming. Sometimes I dream we get back together, sometimes I dream she has found a new realtionship, but there is always physical contact between us. I'm just touching her cheek as she lies on my knee, I'm either crying of happiness or sadness. Sometimes its hard to tell which.

When I wake up this gives me a feeling of helplessness, sickness in my stomach till I can get it out of mind (writing this helps.) But even when I feel better again this happens again, 2 days from now, 1 month, 2 months from now I don't know. But it keeps happening. Sometimes I think I can just drop my life fly and go see her, there has to be something I can say or do that would make her want to be with me again. She explicitly said to me when we broke up that, that one night ruined everything for her. But we had 2 years together, and we would both say 2 of our happiest. Will she really just see that past as tainted and never want that back, or once she had forgiven me did I have a chance?

[smackie9]

If you had to make her feel jealous, that tells me your relationship was already heading for the shitter and it wasn't the happy wonderful relationship that you painted up in your post. You are being delusional that there was any hope for recovering it...that incident was the last straw for her in a already troubled relationship. Listen to your friends...they are right, you needed to move on. I believe most of the problem is that you are insecure, needy, jealous, and obsessive, that it drove her away, especially pulling an act like that to get her attention. That was immature and totally cruel. She did the right thing to leave. You need to take a good hard look at your behavior, and why after all this time you cling onto a lost hope.....it's unhealthy!

[lbnine]

You've totally misread my post, or I haven't made things clear. I didn't have to make her jealous, I didn't even realize I was... I had no intentions to do so. I loved her, she loved me why would I need too? The instance when she got jealous I was with a friend, who had a new boyfriend and we actually spent the night talking about my girlfriend.

Also what act? Did you think I actually just showed up on her door step one day? This never happened, I'm saying it's how I feel. The last time we spoke I helped her move out before her flight. We were friendly, I couldn't read her so well because she made it quick... I'm sure she could see how I felt though.

We didn't have many problems before we broke up, it was very sudden and that was when I started acting a little foolish but I have no idea if she paid my any attention at this time. She pretty much just blocked me out. There was only a little distance towards the end of our realtionship for a few weeks but it was because we were both going to spend the next year in different countries for our studies and we were worried, but nothing major. We worked things out and were discussing the idea of just being friends for a while and coming back together after the year. But all this time we were really open about our feelings, we knew exactly how one another felt. Looking back the idea of a break was probably a stupid one but we were putting a lot of effort into the friendship side of our relationship, spending a lot of time talking, watching movies going out together during a stressful exam period. We were taking the time to do these things, but I don't mean to make it sound as if it was a chore, it was and odd period of the realtionship but of course we were both happy and still in love. The only thing that changed between us was we weren't having as much sex as we were, but we were still romantic, kissing hugging etc. She just said she almost felt as if we were family, it was a little strange for me, but I didn't mind.

Of course I know I was and am still a little insecure, I probably wasn't as confident as she was that things would work out and that made things worse.

[rob1984]

your mistake is to discuss your issues with another girl about your girlfriend. big no no.... second what was the reason of the break up ? no more love, she found someone new??

[smackie9]

If you were so happily in love, she wouldn't have dropped you like a hot potato. Obviously there was something going on that you or us don't know about, unless you are not telling us what we need to know, like what was so important that you and your friend had to discuss over a whole night about your GF. BTW ever hear of relationship boundaries?.....I have read your other posts in the past, you don't have a good track record on proper communication with your SO.

[lbnine]

We weren't discussing anything too deep. My point is I just didn't have the intent she thought I had. But I did treat my friend special because she was moving away, it was her leaving party. My attention should have been on my girlfriend, but we always had an easy realtionship, open about how we felt so I didn't worry about her.

This was the night we broke up, of course I was a little confused about why she was so upset all of a sudden, my apologies mustn't have been very sincere at this time because I was genuinely confused. But I sat down thought it through, and made another apology, but she just didn't want to hear it.

I'd say the reason we broke up is because I was half in half out, part of me was excited about what the next year would bring, half of me was insecure, just wanted to be with her. Then after we split I was half wanting to do anything to get her back, half trying to get my head around moving on. She needed me to be strong in this time and I wasn't and it damaged her opinion of me.

I know it's cliched to say this but I didn't mean to hurt her. She needed me to step up and I didn't, and all the while I needed her to help me. And I still feel that way, that she can help me be the person I want to be.

I know I can do better in my next relationship, and a lot of the time I can think straight, I can deal with the fact we are over. But sometimes its two steps forward one step back. And I've yet to deal with seeing her again, in a new realtionship or whatever something that could really hit me. But mostly I just think about that I want her.

[smackie9]

"I was a little confused about why she was so upset all of a sudden." I guess the point of the matter was the you were just not getting it.... that's why she wouldn't accept your apologies. She was done. Like I said I suspect there were deeper issues that you didn't feel their importance or noticed them and this was the last straw for her.

[michelle23]

If you want to lose a girl-make her jealous or break her trust. I can guarantee you 80% of women will run and never come back.. sorry but i think you need to accept its over

[thisdude]

people on this site are harsh my friend.. its worth a shot they might be right... but you will spend the rest of your life wondering if you dont at least try... i say be honest and go for it life is for living.. do what gives you closure.