Friends With Benefits or Interested??

[wanderlust]

I met a med school friend of my brother's on New Years Eve. We went to New Orleans, so it was a good time..we ended up making out that night.

He added me on Facebook as soon as he got home [he goes to school in my home town], asked for my number, and we have been texting ever since. I am in my last year of undergrad 4 hours away, so I'm not in town much for him to ask me out on a proper date. He also claims to be shy and "bad with girls." When I have come home, I've met up with him and our mutual friends on two different occasions. The last time I ended up staying with him (no sex).

I realize it hasn't been that long and he's VERY busy with med school, but I'm worried that he might view us as 'friends with benefits.' We had one awkward text conversation not long ago.. we were discussing the fact that we didn't have sex, and I said that's because I don't have casual sex. He then kept talking in circles about what casual meant. I thought (incorrectly) that he was trying to fish for my feelings on us. I told him that even though I like him, I won't have sex with someone unless I'm in a trusting relationship with them.

At different points in the convo he made comments like "I'm not very good at relationships so I have a hard time determining where I am on the casual spectrum." ..and.. "I think you're fun but I haven't been around you enough to know if I like you like that yet. It takes me a while to figure that out."

Fair enough. I told him we're on the same page, because we are.. I'm just interested in getting to know him better and see where things go.

He and a friend of his agreed to go with me and a friend to this Mardi Gras ball on Friday. I just found out that they already went to another ball a couple nights ago with two other girls. Obviously he's allowed to do that, but it makes me think he isn't that interested in pursuing me romantically.

Should I have another convo with him when the time is right? Or does he definitely think of me as a booty call, and I should let it go?

[smackie9]

You already had that conversation, just that he in a round about way said what you both have, isn't serious. Red flags are everywhere like "He was talking in circles about what casual sex meant" really? "I'm not very good with relationships" " I have a hard time determining where I am on the casual spectrum." really again? "I think you're fun but I haven't been around you enough to know if I like you like that yet." this means "I just want you to think it could be serious, so you will have more sex with me". " It takes me a while to figure that out." this means " I'll keep stringing you along until you figure out I was using you for sex."

" I just found out that they already went to another ball a couple nights ago with two other girls." So no you both are not on the same page.
" but it makes me think he isn't that interested in pursuing me romantically." You got that right. Always go by their actions, to determine what direction this is going.

No need to have a convo with him. It's obvious he isn't looking for a serious relationship with you.

[wanderlust]

I appreciate your response. Of course (as you could probably tell by the way I formed my question) that's what I feared..

I know I probably sound silly.. but I do think from our conversations and how we interact that this guy and I have a lot of chemistry/potential. I realize that none of this matters if it's just bad timing and he's not looking for something serious, but still.

I wonder if it would be completely useless for me to tell him that I either want to be his friend (with no 'benefits'), or to be taken more seriously and have him ask me out on real dates.. so we can both get to know each other better.

[smackie9]

You are still not listening to me...... He was feeding you a bunch of fluff to distract you from the truth....look at his actions...they are telling you he isn't into a serious relationship with you and most certainly doesn't want to be just friends (and no sex). He just wants to boink you....he's a snake charmer.....he plays you a tune that makes you swoon. He's a player.

[michelle23]

I think he is a player. All the signs are there from what you said. Id recommend you stay away from him. Hes practically telling you hes not the relationship type by repeatedly saying "I am no good with girls" etc.

Hes also keeping his options open and doesn't seem too interested in getting to know you properly. Id say you are not on the same page as he wanted sex that night (which is probably why he stayed with you) but you didn't want to and good for you for not giving in.

In my experience, Most men wait for the girl to bring up the subject of sex and if he brings it up first or too soon it is a warning sign to run.

[michelle23]

Plus long distance rarely works.

[Wakeup]

i'm seeing things a little differently on this one:

Should I have another convo with him when the time is right?

Yes, and the right time would be just before you have sex with him. He's dating and exercising his options.(which hardly makes him a player) You are just another date at this point. If you don't want to be just booty... then don't be just booty. Its really that simple. It's particularily easy for you to remain faithful to your personal boundary of not having sex outside of a committed relationship because you've had that discussion with him upfront and honestly. You're now a challenge for him.

Keep in mind that he will likely date and **** women who will be booty while he makes up his mind about you. You can't have it both ways (at least not very often can you with a man who has many options). Up to you if you want to have competition.

I'll add that you should keep your get togethers to places where you don't sleep. If he is interested, he'll take you out without you asking him to. If he asks to "hang" with you again just tell him, I'd love to see you again, whould you like to go to dinner and you be prepared to pay if you're doing the inviting. Don't pursue him anymore, let him come to you because this VVVV sounds very desperate. You don't want to be sounding desperate.

I wonder if it would be completely useless for me to tell him that I either want to be his friend (with no 'benefits'), or to be taken more seriously and have him ask me out on real dates.. so we can both get to know each other better.

[ashley89]

You are still not listening to me...... He was feeding you a bunch of fluff to distract you from the truth....look at his actions...they are telling you he isn't into a serious relationship with you and most certainly doesn't want to be just friends (and no sex). He just wants to boink you....he's a snake charmer.....he plays you a tune that makes you swoon. He's a player.

I agree... his actions and words don't match up. he says stuff like he's not good at the relationship thing trying to insinuate that he's not good with girls or something, when really he seems to know exactly what he's doing. he put enough effort in to add you on Facebook and get your number, so if he wanted to go on a date my mind tells me he would have put in the effort to do that too. If he asks you on a date and puts time into wanting to see you one on one, I would think a little differently but right now it sounds like he just wants a **** buddy... ugh, men. lol

[Wakeup]

There's one way to find out for sure... She doesn't call him again and if he calls her, she steers it to an actual date and he takes her on one, well then it's no different with her as it is with the other chick he took to the Ball... a date.

She can only be a booty call if she lets herself be a booty call. If he's only wanting booty, he'll decline a real date, or he'll not contact her again when she stops contacting him.

[wanderlust]

Thanks again for the responses, y'all.

UPDATE: He was my date to the ball on Friday, as I mentioned he would be in my original post. We had a LOT of fun. He surprised me in a few ways:

1) My mom wanted to make us dinner before the ball. I thought it would be too awkward, so I didn't ask him. He ended up asking me if we should eat dinner, and when I mentioned my mom was going to cook, but I didn't think they'd be interested.. he jumped on it, saying "Of course! Sounds lovely." Both of the guys were really polite with my mom and seemed completely comfortable.

2) They were both great with my friends at the parade & ball and were perfect, attentive dates.

3) At the ball (after we all had alcohol in our systems), I teasingly brought up that I didn't believe he was shy and bad with girls. He was adamant that he really was, and his friend even chimed in to back him up.. they both made it clear that the only reason he was invited to the other ball was by being the other guy's friend (so, by default).

Mk so yeah.. we did end up making out when we got to my house. When sex was brought up again, I said "If you haven't been around me enough to know what you think of me, then I haven't been around you enough to sleep with you." He seemed to get that..and his response was "Can I think about it?" I said of course, but that's just the way it is. When he questioned what I meant by getting to know me better (how is that not obvious?).. I said that we should probably hang out in situations other than going out drinking at night.

Yesterday, he said he had a really good time at the ball and that the company was much better this time around. I was supposed to go to New Orleans with the guys, but they were too hungover and said they had too much school work to catch up on.
We did text some.. but then his responses got kind of short, so I just stopped. He hasn't talked to me today. I just wonder if I'm making any progress with him or if we're following the same routine.

[michelle23]

Spend more time sussing him out, find out if hes seeing other people etc. Dont sleep with him unless you trust him and are exclusive

[smackie9]

You are back right where you left off because you haven't be direct with him. Come straight out that you won't sleep with anyone unless they are committed to a serious relationship with you. If you fear that will scare him away that just proves he doesn't want what you are looking for.

IMO you have spent enough time "sussing him out". Time to get off the pot and just tell him.

To add just because a guy is shy don't make him an innocent. A guy is a guy...they want sex.

[chammie]

Pursue the company if you enjoy it. BUT DO NOT FALL IN LOVE. Coz he seems to be NOT interested bringing it up to the next level with you. Do not assume. JUST DON'T FALL IN LOVE.

[LoveCanHurt]

Though it doesnt seem to have helped me...Some on here need to be very up front about what they want and their expectations.
Some even need to make sure that they have the same defination of certain sayings or words...
Boy I am surprised by the many many different meanings that are out there and people have for the slang "FWB"(Friends with Benefits).
Long ago Dr. Phil had a show where he made the other partner repeat what was said by the other. Sorry men, but it was the men that seem to not heard much past the 3rd word. So maybe this is what us women need to start doing prior to getting into messes like this.

[basilandthyme]

Even if he's quite fond of you, has he given you any reason to believe he'd want to enter a long distance relationship? I believe it's a huge assumption to think that someone who lives 4 hours away may want a relationship.