Where do I go from here?...

[BrokenAndAlone]

Hello everyone.

Please excuse me if the necessary advice has been given in the stickies, as I really need to share my story.

I've been dating the same girl for 5 years. We met while I was on vacation in Japan and have been together ever since. 3 years ago, after graduating college I moved to Japan to start a life with her here. We've had our ups and downs but we have talked and just about seen each other everyday. Our lives were intertwined and essentially shared and connected. Weren't just together, but we were best friends that shared everything with each other.

We lived together for a couple years and about this time last year, I agreed to move as her sister was coming home from college and didn't want to be alone. Needless to say, we were still together and still fine. In recent days though, things got sour. We were still together all the time but she said that she was starting to see me more as family than a boyfriend. It began to get really bad about a month ago where she simply stopped wanting to have sex and, everytime I'd want it, she would offer other forms of simulation instead (to avoid sex). I tried to talk to her about it and she simply said talking about it made her want to do it less.

As things began taking a turn for the worse, I decided give her space for a week, to try to stimulate some emotions. Didn't contact at all. She got in contact a week later asking why I haven't talked to her and we met up and, regretablly, I said we should break up. Honestly, we have had these drama moments in the past, and as stupid as it was, I wasn't sincere about breaking up in the least. Again though, I realize the stupidity on my part. She left and almost as soon as that, I called her told her how much I loved her and she came back and spent the night. The next day, I assumed everything was back to normal, however she told me she still wanted to "take a break". That she wanted time. I tried to sway her otherwise, but her mind was made up.

We ran into each other randomly on the train the next day where I still had my word, told her how much I loved her, wanted to be with her, but she said she still wanted to take a break.

Since then, she's been gone....that was about 3 weeks ago. I've had a few moments of weakness texting her, where her response is usually something like "thank you for the message." and the last time I spoke to her on the phone, over a week ago, she just repeated she wanted "time to think" and "time to figure it out".

And that's it. Needless to say, I haven't been taking it well. She was the reason I moved to this foreign country and now, without her in my life, I feel lost and alone. I feel hopeless, and my life seems meaningless as I can't imagine continuing without her there. Its been almost a month, yet I'm still crying everyday and can barely get myself out of bed.

I don't want another girl, I don't want this to be a learning experience, I want the love of my live back. After 5 years together I realize I messed up, stopped putting in the effort I did at the beginning, stayed in way more than I should have, let the romance leave. But I understand that and know I can make it right.

So what to do I do from here? Do I try to chase her but risk pushing her further away or do I let her be with the risk of getting replaced? I'll do anything it takes to have her back.

Never this alone and lost in my whole life a d really don't know what to do next.....I just can't come to grips.


Thank you everyone for any advice you may have.

[Guybrush]

I don't think the reason why your relationship ended is that you "messed up", as you say. It just seems to me that she is no longer sufficiently attracted to you to stay in a relationship.

It might sound brutal and irrational to you now, but I honestly think it is a good thing that it ended before you moved on to a more serious commitment with this girl. Hard as it may seem, I think you just need to realize that what you had is over and that it is time to move on.

How settled are you in Japan? Do you have permanent employment there? Is it an option for you to move back to where you came from (where is that, btw?). If I understood you correctly, you are sort of in "her territory", so maybe moving back to where you have your other friends and/or family could be one potential next move. It might help you get over you ex. Speaking of "ex", I think you need to get used to refering to her as that.

[smackie9]

You spent way too much time together, instead of have a life outside the relationship...makes things get stagnant, boring, and too comfortable. It's possible that having her sister back, she realized how much she has been missing socially. There is a possibility she has been getting attention from a male co-worker or a male friend, or met someone. Sometimes ( like Guybrush said) people just lose attraction and fall out of love. But we can only guess why this has happened. It's obvious she wants to be left alone for now. You need to focus on your own life, let go so you can start the healing process.

[BrokenAndAlone]

Going on a month now and still no change. I suppose this really is it.....she's just fallen out of love with me...

Truth is, I'm in as bad a state as I was the day she left me. I can't eat, cant sleep, can barely get out of bed, crying many times a day, and just have no motivation or will to continue. She was the reason I was in Japan and she was also my best friend. I have friends out here, but their solution is simply for me to go out more. I can't bring myself to socialize at all.

While I have employment here, it's not something I saw myself doing for the long run anyway. As pathetic as it may sound, I just want to be with my family right now.....a shoulder to cry on. Being alone here is just destroying me and each day seems tougher than the last.

Should I just go back home to the states for a while? Will this help me get over her?

[dem862]

Get the fck out of Japan for God's sake. That place is radioactive.

[smackie9]

If you feel you don't really have a life there and she is the only reason you are there, then yes going back home and starting fresh would be for the best.

[michelle23]

I think you should just go no contact for a month and see if she comes back. Your relationship slunds healthy with no problems. Sometines insecurity can make someone leave a healthy happy relationship as they think the grass is greener. It is normal over time when your that close to start seeing each lther as best friends. Its a good thing as long as you still enjoy sleeping together.

Its weird, i see people in the most unhealthy destructive relationships and they stay and try to make it work for some insane reason and then i see people in healthy happy relationships leaving for no reason at all. Give it a month and if you hear nothing from her, go home. You will need your family for support. It will be hard but stay strong

[BrokenAndAlone]

I think you should just go no contact for a month and see if she comes back. Your relationship slunds healthy with no problems. Sometines insecurity can make someone leave a healthy happy relationship as they think the grass is greener. It is normal over time when your that close to start seeing each lther as best friends. Its a good thing as long as you still enjoy sleeping together.

Its weird, i see people in the most unhealthy destructive relationships and they stay and try to make it work for some insane reason and then i see people in healthy happy relationships leaving for no reason at all. Give it a month and if you hear nothing from her, go home. You will need your family for support. It will be hard but stay strong

You mean a month from now? We've technically been broken up for just about a month now, however as mentioned, I haven't been able to do no contact for more than week and her responses have been cold and brief. That being said, we haven't seen each other in 3 weeks and the contact that has been initiated during our break has all been from my side.

Should I still do a no contact for a month?

[smackie9]

I say give it another week, then tell her you need to know if this is truly over. If she doesn't answer, that's your answer....she's been too afraid to tell you.

[BrokenAndAlone]

Hi again,

I actually have an update to my situation and could really use a woman's perspective on this.......

After another week went by without any contact from, I made the tough choice to leave Japan and go back to the states. Just too much to handle as I can't eat, sleep, work, and simply can't function.

I messaged her that I was leaving and for her to pick up her stuff. She immediately freaked out. asked if it was 100% for sure. I told her yes. Then, she said she had to see me. The most emotion I had seen from her in months. We met for dinner and drinks and literally the whole time, she was crying, telling me not to go......telling me she made a mistake......telling me she wanted to be my girlfriend again. I stayed strong and told her my decision was made.

She ended up back at my house, her sobering continued......until right before she left, I couldn't resist anymore. I told her, if she was serious about everything she said....about wanting to get back together and be my girlfriend....then maybe we could talk....see if we can make it work.

All of a sudden, her tune changed.....her emotion changed. It was instantaneous. She began saying things like, "wait, I thought your decision was made" and "actually, it's probably best you go back"......said that getting together with me that night wasn't a good decision afterall, and she regretted it. said she still needed time, and that her love for me was "love as a person".

I was in shock.......I couldn't understand it, especially after she had been crying about me leaving for the last 4 hours. She told me that she was only saying everything she had been because she thought for sure I was leaving and my decision was final. She told me as soon as I told her I would reconsider leaving for her, her feelings changed again. Apologized, and left. Broke my heart all over again.....

She sent me an e-mail the next day saying in her mind she knows that me going back to the states is better for me, but that she is simply selfish and that she would miss me so much. Told me she is still very confused about her feelings and really doesn't know what to do...

And that's where we stand. Me in limbo and feeling like I lost her all over again.

Is she just unbalanced? Am I the one at fault for reconsidering leaving the country just for her? Did I do something wrong?

What do I do....

[michelle23]

Go home OP. Go back to your family/friends. If she really loved you-you would be back together by now and the break probably would not have happened in the first place or else would have only lasted a week.

You need to try and heal now, get over her and move on with your life. Those silly games she was playing-pretending to be so upset was just to make herself feel less guilty for hurting you - that's all.

You need to accept that it wasn't meant to be and that there is someone else out there for you which in time you will meet

[smackie9]

You didn't do anything wrong. She was a pretty good actress to say the least. She felt some guilt for walking away the first time, so this time she was making it like she was being the victim and not you, so she didn't look like the bad guy in all this. Get it?

She isn't confused, not at all. She is an twit that doesn't know how to end a relationship properly.