ex girlfriend pulled the "I need time" card?

[VincenzoG91]

I have zero time for people who don't know what they want. It's a level of cluelessness that I can't even begin to tolerate. Yeah, you should move on now. She can go on her journey of self-discovery and eventually discover that mysterious woman in her mirror.

[michelle23]

I think the ball is in her court. Either way whether she comes back or not i think you should take some time out for just you. Be alone for awhile and dont go back to your old destructive ways. Try to grow emotionally and learn what you really want. If she comes back in the meantime grear-if not you wilk heal over timeand be in a better place for a new relationship when the time is right

[michelle23]

Oh and well done for putging your feelings out there. That takes balls. If she still cant see how much she means to you now-then that is her problem not yours

[spiritofjosh]

I talked to her a little more and even went into what exactly her self discovery entails. I also got a little snippy by saying that its so common of an excuse to say "i need time alone" after a break up to shoo their ex away. She didn't like this and eased up with herself. I told her straight up that I'll give her time and her space but that doesn't mean I'm giving up on her or us, that I won't back off so easy. Her response was she isn't giving me any excuses and is being honest with everything and that she hopes I don't give up on her. When I asked about valentines day she said she had plans with another friend, but a girl because I asked if it were a guy .

Like you said Michelle, I will try and catch up on myself, get some things done, possibly build some muscle since becoming vegan 3 months ago after being vegetarian for almost 3 years I lost almost 40 lbs. But I'm a skinny weakling so I could focus on some exercise. Make more music, just be me. Like she claims I dont need the opposite sex to be happy or get me by, so she'll be the only girl for me for the time being...metaphorically.

Any juicy updates will definitely be posted haha. Thanks again.

[michelle23]

That is great stay strong i hope it all works out in the end and it sounds like you really want to make it work so if its meant to be it will be

[spiritofjosh]

So technically yesterday now it was valentine's day, the worst day of the year even when I have a girlfriend. But I didn't do anything at all, just stayed home, didn't talk to my ex or anything and didn't plan to. Anyway that night I saw on instagram this kid was all over her pictures commenting and stuff so I checked his out and there were pictures of him and her on his. I got really angry and questioned her because I felt this whole time I was being lied to about another guy and I'm not ok with that. Turns out she went on a date with him for valentine's day because they both were dateless, BUT he works with her and apparently they've been friends for a long time and it was nothing more than a casual harmless date. I was still a little sketchy about this but she went to town explaining every side to it, that he has a kid, she sees him as a friend and nothing more and to be honest he isn't very attractive and definitely not her type based on what she tells me and what I can see, so I felt the weight lift off, naturally.

Now, my side of the conversation was the least desperate I probably have sounded since we broke up (I try not to ever, today I didn't feel desperate). I kept telling her well if she is actually into him than good luck, and that I don't care anymore but if she doesn't want to date anybody to have fun trying to just hook up with people. Totally being kinda mean but it wasn't overkill. She went off saying I must not know her to think she'll just hook up with people and she never has and has more self respect than that, etc. But the best part was she said; "Yeah see, I knew you wouldn't care so quickly because I'm sure you're dying to just hook up with somebody else and move on." I told her she's wrong, told her I apologize for accusing her of what I did and said goodnight, in one brief paragraph. Actually I said "peace bro" because I felt like being mean for once.
Also the day before I posted a picture of young Moira from American Horror Story on instagram, if anybody's familiar with her. I titled it "be my valentine" with hearts and my ex texted me with two pictures of famous guys with the same title, rubbing it in my face because of what I posted, obviously it made her jealous. It didn't bother me, I actually thought it was cute.

Anyway, does this sound like I'm helping the situation or making it worse? I see everywhere and from past experiences it seems girls will be pushed away when they sense desperation, but will get closer when the sense the opposite. So will her thinking I'm really moving on mentally, not physically, help? Thing is, she's tricky so if she thinks I'm moving on mentally and if she doesn't want to be with anybody anyway I feel she may just say "ok, I won't waste my time with him if he's done"...where our ties will be completely cut and that's that.

[Boisdevie]

Oh for gods' sake. Stop all means of communication with her. Who cares what she's doing or thinking?

You're not moving on, your obsessing. Get a grip.

[michelle23]

You are making her defensive, angry and frustrated. Stop all contact OP. Stay away from anything that tempts you to contact her. You are supposed to be giving it a couple of weeks remember? And since you broke that rule-you now need to give it another 2weeks lol.

2 weeks with no contact at all. Then you can let her know you are sick of waiting around for her. Its now or never and move on.

[spiritofjosh]

I know I know and I wasnt going to but one of her "problems" with me was she thought I was a liar, so I couldn't resist seeing if she was after all. my birthday is this Tuesday and I'm sure she's going to contact me so what then? plus I'm sure she'll still feel the same way about dating people whether I contacted her in two weeks or two months. I just figured if that's how it is I have to move on anyway so might as well see if she's lying on my way.

I'm starting to think she's never had that strong of feelings for me this whole time now for her to shut herself off so easily.

[michelle23]

If she contacts you on your birthday-be aloof. Just say thanks and nothing else. When there is a lack of trust-its very hard to fix that. You just need to focus on you and leave her at it. If she decides to come back, you can talk properly and decide how to proceed but in these situations-it rarely does work out in the end. I don't think she is coming back-sorry OP. She is just waiting to see if you will pass her secret test. She is waiting to see if you will go back to your old ways instead of taking your word for it that you have changed.

These mind games are pointless. No matter what you do-its lose lose. If you wait around for her-she will keep you at arms length for as long as she sees fit, if you move on-you prove her right.

The best thing you can do is be aloof, distant etc-act like you are not that bothered as you have already done everything you can. Focus on yourself, music, getting fit etc and when you are over her-you can meet someone else. If she comes back in the meantime-the power will be in your hands.

You can decide then if you still really want her or if you are over her.

[spiritofjosh]

thanks again and that's the way Ive been trying to think and I only contacted her bc it seemed like a pot calling the kettle black situation. I wasnt planning on texting her before or after but one of my problems is the habit of trying to prove myself right and I thought she was lying and I had to know if I was right. I was wrong as usual but no more of that.

but another question; say she is giving me a "secret test" to see if I'm still the same person, but I prove her wrong, wouldn't that show that I really do care for her and help her trust me more? I wouldn't see that as losing. of course I'm going to let her do what she needs for that without talking to her but her assuming I'm a womanizing pig (exaggerating) was why she couldn't trust me and why we broke up, so proving her wrong and that I do care for her only would be a start, no?

in the meantime there are female friends I have that I text, none of which anything physical would happen with but it's good to keep my mind busy. so if she does care she will see I'm not proving her right by running around with others.

[michelle23]

But you don't know how long she is going to play this game for. That's my point so you are losing. She may never accept your past and could hold it against you still if you do get back together.

[spiritofjosh]

yeah I know unfortunately. I guess Im just so attached bc she has been very good to me and proved me wrong that I'd never meet another girl who would make me feel the way I did with my ex from years ago. not saying I'm comparing them I'm just comparing happiness. the sad part is I have a very hard time realizing how little I tend to show this or my appreciation, so I guess if she doesn't come back which I'm not counting on than hopefully I won't repeat these mistakes. I hope I can meet another girl who like my now ex that actually has self respect, is trustworthy and isn't shady.

[michelle23]

To get a girl like that you need to be a man like that So for future reference-at least you know that now.

[michelle23]

If its meant to be-it will be.