ex girlfriend pulled the "I need time" card?

[spiritofjosh]

She wants you to chase her id say. Drama.. Just ignore her. You shouldnt have to put this much into impressing her. She cant have her cake and eat it. Just keep ignoring her.

That's what I feel, although I must confessl; the other day when I mentioned it was "over" that wasn't in her words. I just said it myself because it's wasting my time with her, she didn't actually tell me to move on because like you said, she probably wants to be chased.

And to me it's insignificant but we did break up for a month back last year because I broke up with her, I wasn't getting any feeling from her so I thought she wasn't into me. In this time neither of us made any effort to move onto another person. But to go against what "heartisaching" said (in most cases they would be right) me ignoring her DOES make her not talk to me. During that month we didn't say a word to each other and when I finally said something before getting back together she said she never chases. She says if I don't want to talk she assumes I've moved on and it's not her business so there is no need for her to contact me. THAT is why I'm confused because after all I did come here looking for advice to fix our situation right?

To end the confusion, yes if she texts me I WILL respond but so bluntly that no girl would think I was being anything desperate or open. I just don't believe in her texting me and not answering her at all. That to me is rude and after the trust issues I caused it won't help anything to just give her nothing at all. It will only feed her opinion that I'm a man-whore assuming I'm already on the next girl and chose to never say anything else to her.

But, I'm not chasing her, I DO NOT text her, under any circumstance. I don't look at her instagram. For the 30th time she has no facebook for me to look at and she lives almost 45 minutes away from me so I don't see her by chance. And she has some of my clothes as well as gifts she bought me for my birthday, I am making no effort in retrieving either...and I really like the jeans she has there. I just don't want people thinking since I post her that I'm sitting on my knees weeping for her to come to me. Michelle I know you see my point, I'm just elaborating because this may seem misconstrued.

[michelle23]

Can you tell me what trust issues you created? I missed that and I don't want to look back through 8 pages.

I think your doing the right thing. Even if you did get back together-I don't think she would drop her defenses and she would have this constant fear of being hurt. It would end up being an on/off relationship where all you do is fight, trust issues, paranoia, jealousy which will eventually result in one of you cheating. Its unhealthy and destructive and pointless.

If theres no trust that ^^ is often the result and you would make each other miserable.

I think a part of her is still clinging on-she misses you but deep down she knows your better off apart.

[spiritofjosh]

Can you tell me what trust issues you created? I missed that and I don't want to look back through 8 pages.

I think your doing the right thing. Even if you did get back together-I don't think she would drop her defenses and she would have this constant fear of being hurt. It would end up being an on/off relationship where all you do is fight, trust issues, paranoia, jealousy which will eventually result in one of you cheating. Its unhealthy and destructive and pointless.

If theres no trust that ^^ is often the result and you would make each other miserable.

I think a part of her is still clinging on-she misses you but deep down she knows your better off apart.

Exactly what you just said yourself. She thinks that her being with me is only my temporary fix basically. That I don't so much want her specifically, but that shes whose around right now, that once I find some greener grass, she's history. So she wouldn't allow herself to open up fully and just relax. Obviously that's the opposite of how I feel about her but she just doesn't understand.

This whole thread was just me going between wanting her to take this time alone for herself so she can see how I didn't just run off with somebody else or somebody new. And there are plenty of fish in the sea (when it's time to move on, I will take this advice accordingly) so if I wanted to move on already I would have. Maybe she just needs to mature more or what, I don't know. But you are right when you say that our relationship will be unhealthy as long as she won't put her false accusations aside and just move forward with me. This also won't help her in any other relationship she may be involved in in the future.

[Wakeup]

By any chance did you read my last post? She doesn't have facebook, so there is non to look at. I said she texts ME, not vice versa. I don't text her under any circumstance, if she didn't text me there would be 0 contact, 0 conversation. And lastly, I told her I didn't want to be friends, so we are not friends. Perhaps she thinks we are or thinks we will be if she keeps trying to be nice, but I am not friendly back. Soon enough she will stop, and that will be that. I'm not a rude, impolite person, if she texts and asks a question I will answer the same as I would answer any text from any other person, friend or not. I don't give her special treatments via text.

No offense but next time read my post carefully before you basically list the opposite of what I'm doing. Thanks.

Josh.. what are'nt you getting? She broke up with you so don't answer her at all. If you want her back then outright ask her back and if she isn't secure enough to be your girlfriend then to hell with her. You're sounding rather door matty at the moment and you're falling for the little tidbits she sends your way when you answer her with even one word.

She's playing you so stop it by finding out if she wants you back or she doesn't.. either way, it will be the end of this game she's winning at.

[michelle23]

Josh.. what are'nt you getting? She broke up with you so don't answer her at all. If you want her back then outright ask her back and if she isn't secure enough to be your girlfriend then to hell with her. You're sounding rather door matty at the moment and you're falling for the little tidbits she sends your way when you answer her with even one word.

She's playing you so stop it by finding out if she wants you back or she doesn't.. either way, it will be the end of this game she's winning at.

He already did that!! And he is writing here to stop himself texting her! He doesnt sound like a doormat-he is hurt and taking the time to grieve the loss of this relationship which is healthy before he meets someone else.

It is not that easy to just "forget" someone you love. He cant just pretend she never existed and erase her from his mind. You expect it to be that simple.

[VincenzoG91]

Dude just needs a jetpack:

[Wakeup]

He already did that!! And he is writing here to stop himself texting her! He doesnt sound like a doormat-he is hurt and taking the time to grieve the loss of this relationship which is healthy before he meets someone else.

It is not that easy to just "forget" someone you love. He cant just pretend she never existed and erase her from his mind. You expect it to be that simple.

Michelle, I wouldn't bug you as much if you actually read what I was referring to.

Josh said this:

To end the confusion, yes if she texts me I WILL respond but so bluntly that no girl would think I was being anything desperate or open. I just don't believe in her texting me and not answering her at all.

That is "not already doing" what I suggested he do and as you mistakenly imply. It's not ZERO contact if he replies when she texts him. That's what he's not getting. More of what I'm talking about:

if she texts and asks a question I will answer the same as I would answer any text from any other person,

Josh.. she's not "any other person" she's your ex gf who broke up with you.

@ Michelle again: No one said it would be easy and where did you read that I expect it to be that simple. Get with the programme, sista.

Josh: (and michelle for your clarification) If you're ever going to get to the stage of indifference to her, if you are ever going to get the fk over her and not play her "be my male girlfriend" game, then zero contact is the fastest way to accomplish tucking her away in the past. even if she texts you first It's proven its the fastest way, its not just my opinion.

[michelle23]

So you suggest being a complete ass to her is the right way to go do you? He is avoiding her as much as he can, being aloof and indifferent. I don't think he can do much more than that. And she doesn't see him as a male gf. That is ridiculous and you keep saying it. You got your point across like 5 pages ago and your like a dog with a bone.

I am not offended by you on this post. I just think you are being unreasonable and over the top. Breakups are hard and he needs time to come to terms with it like anyone would.

[Wakeup]

I added to the last post to prove my point but I'll continue here since you insist.

Michelle. He will not be being a complete ass to her but if that's your take on going no contact then yes.. so be it.. be an ass to her.
Of course he needs time to come to terms with it. No one said he didn't. I think if you stopped putting words in peoples mouths you'd understand things more clearly. You seem lost a lot of the times due to doing that. I'm not offended by your post either.. I just think you've not given him the best advice in order to put her in the past where she needs to be. Seeing her on her birthday, texting her when she texts him, all that stuff makes him her doormatt who broke up with him yet still gets his attention anyway. One word answers or mean answers is still her getting attention.

Still the best advice given was "wish her a good life." Then zero contact. If he wants her back when/if she text "I've made a mistake will you reconsider another chance with me" he can decide if that ever happens.

[Wakeup]

I'll add.. if HE thinks not responding at all is "assholey" then ask her outright if she wants to resume their relationship and if she dosn't, then so be it... then go zero, never again contact. Zero means NONE>Done... on his road to indifference to her.

[michelle23]

They were on a break during that time and he was trying to get her back and it was only after all of that-she finally told him its over so I dont think my advice was bad. The post is "girlfriend pulled the i need time card" not "she dumped me" see the difference?

I am not putting words in other peoples mouth. Your posts come across as quite harsh and I dont think you need to be that blunt or harsh with someone unless they have actually done something wrong. I know I can be very blunt and harsh at times but only when there is a need for it (like that girl whose seeing a married man for four years for example)

I already told him to tell her in no uncertain terms that he cannot be her friend and to leave him alone and then ignore her so I gave the same advice as you-just in a nicer way. Calling him a male gf will just make him feel like shit and its uncalled for.

[Wakeup]

They were on a break during that time and he was trying to get her back and it was only after all of that-she finally told him its over so I dont think my advice was bad. The post is "girlfriend pulled the i need time card" not "she dumped me" see the difference?

There is no difference most times (this being one of them) If someone doesn't want to work things out with you while you're still together and not on a break. Then its over. Just the words haven't yet been spoken.

I am not putting words in other peoples mouth. Your posts come across as quite harsh and I dont think you need to be that blunt or harsh with someone unless they have actually done something wrong.

Well yours are just a harsh. Take a look at the woman who has been kept by a married man. You don't even bother to give advice in your first attack on her. For your information, I do think he has done something wrong, thats why i was harsh. I wasn't in the first post to him in this thread. .. and .. yes, you put words in peoples mouths quite often. Saying you don't doesn't make it so. And, I'll add, who are you to determine what is and isn't "wrong?" "Wrong" is subjective when you're talking "opinion."

I already told him to tell her in no uncertain terms that he cannot be her friend and to leave him alone and then ignore her

After you told him that it would be peachy if he met her for her birthday. When that went tits up, as usual you changed your tune and once again, you back-peddle. I'll remind you that he was not ignoring her, he was responding when she text him.. that is why I said "what are'nt you getting?"

so I gave the same advice as you-just in a nicer way.

Yes... waaaaay after the "have a nice life" advice and well after we all told him that would be his best course of action.

Calling him a male gf will just make him feel like shit and its uncalled for.

If she's running the show and trying to keep him as a friend, then he will be her male girlfriend. Everytime he answers her in any way, she is one step closer to making him just that.

She broke up with him and the best recourse to get over her or, help to realize if she's made a mistake by breaking up with him is to not contact her (zero) unless she's willing to reconcile. That's a proven theory.. not just my opinion.

Now, before I "bug" you further with this particular debate, please remember that you brought this one on as I wasn't even addressing you, I was speaking to Josh.. who, like you, I'm sure is quite capable of looking after his own self without clinging to your apron strings for help.

.. Cheers and over and out. (for now anyway)

[michelle23]

You attacked that woman also and rightly so. I am not going to bother giving advice to someone who has no integrity, morals, empathy for others or self respect. A reality check is what that girl needs.

I dont believe i gave josh bad advice. I was answering the questions he asked and going by the info i was given. And it is not true that EVERY break leads to a breakup.

I never said your "no contact" approach was bad. I agree that is the best approach and gave the same advice.

[Wakeup]

Your advice in post No. 3

I think you should have no contact for a month and if you dont hear from her by then text her and say "look i love you more than anything and i want us to work but if its over, i will understand, i just need to no what your thinking and what you want. If its not me-thats ok ill leave you alone but if you want to get back on track, great. Either way i need a straight answer" and just leave it there. If you dont get a straight answer, move on with your life and accept it wasnt meant to be. If she comes back, make sure she knows from that point on how much she means to you. Best of luck

Your advice in Post No. 32..

I dont think shes being fair to you here OP. She cant leave you in limbo wondering whether your coming or gping and right now she has all the power. I think you need to man up and do something about it. Put your feelings out there. What have you got to lose?

“Man up” You infer he’s not being a man. My, my.

So after you tell Josh not to call her, then to call her then he tells you he’s going to call her on his break regarding her birthday you tell him this... complete opposite to don’t call her or just call her to lay it on the line.

(post No. 42)

Going to ignore basilandtime or whatever her name is as i am clearly not judging here so whatever...

Im not sure. Maybe give her a ring to say happy birthday-turn up buy her a drink and tell her to enjpy her night with a smile on your face and leave again. Shell no then that you really do care but respect her need for space

Waffle, waffle, waffle. And Talk about telling someone what they obviously want to hear.

Anyway, it goes on but I can’t be bothered.

As for being harsh with the mistress. You are the one that implied that I am harsh in my posts... I didn’t deny that but you, in your ego failed to acknowledge that you can be just a harsh... when you deem it. So as you have said. You can flip it yourself. Love..

And it is not true that EVERY break leads to a breakup.

Well it did in this case and it does it most of them. "I want a break" is an easy way to say, I want out but I'm too afraid right now to just sever ties.. "I'd like to be your friend though". Pffft.

[michelle23]

Lol oits funny how you pay such close attention to my posts. I wasnt changing my mind or going backwards-i was giving advice based on the circumstances, the info given and taking all the factors into account.

Ill be the firsto admit i can be harsh-even brutal when it comes to infidelity. I do not tell people what they want to hear lol far from it. Is that y i called the last girl a high class escort? Or i told abbey to stop being a doormat?

I was just pointing out here that u have repeated urself about 5times and i think he got ur point already.

Me telling him to "man up" was not implying he is not a man- it was more like giving him dutch courage to grab the bull by the orns and it got a result. He got a straight answer and is no longer stuck in limbo wondering what if?