He won't talk!! Just don't know what to do??!!

[clarabellew]

Hi,

Would really appreciate any advise anyone is willing to give me!!

My husband and I have been married a year and a half. Always had a decent relationship - a few arguments and hiccups along the way, but when pointed out by him, I always saw the error I had made and apologised, etc. I have a 4 year old daughter from my previous marriage and we have a 1 year old daughter together.

After a big argument, he left me three and a half months ago. Said I had no respect for him, spoke to him like cr*p and took him for granted. I'd done this for two years apparently, he had given me chance to change and I hadn't and never would. He moved out and now rents a house on his own. He rarely sees my older daughter and he has our younger daughter 3 nights a week.

I spent a great deal of time thinking about everything, about what he said and he was right. I see that now and have made a lot of changes to myself to be more respectful to everyone, less selfish, etc. Obviously, I have tried to communicate this to him, tried to show him that things will be different and that I have changed (for myself as well as everyone else). I've tried to take the responsibility but also not make it about me. However, he says he can't give me another chance, I won't change, things wouldn't be different and I have destroyed him. At no point has he ever said he does not love me any more (in fact, just after Xmas I asked him and his response was "that's got nothing to do with anything").

In the time since he left, he has stayed over and slept with me numerous times. He's also gone through various stages. He says he needs space, then we need to learn to be friends, then there's no chance, then we need to learn to be friends, then he needs space, etc. The other day, he decided that he keeps wondering if there's any way back for us, but every time he does, he comes back to a 'lie' that I told in front of him to my ex husband the night he left me. I hadn't actually lied, and I explained clearly what I had said. So, firstly, why only bring this up months later and how can he base the future on a lie that was never told?

As so much time has passed, and this month he has stopped paying half of the mortgage (leaving me in a very difficult position!) I have told him it can't carry on and I will go to a solicitor to sort it all out. He has been for a free initial appointment this morning. I keep saying that I don't want to go down this route, but he won't sit down and talk to me. If I text him, he responds for a bit, but then just ignores me.

I really think if we could sit down together and really talk about everything, we could start to sort things out. I'm not asking him to move back in, all is forgiven - I have a lot to do and prove. He just won't though. How do I get him to?

Please help!

Clare

[michelle23]

First of all you need to stop having sex with him, stop begging and pleading etc-you are giving him all the power. Go and get counselling to prove you are serious about changing. Even if its not for him, you need to do that for yourself anyway.

Give him some time to miss you and he may come around but if its true that you are selfish and do not respect him-this is probably the worst way you can be to a man. It makes him feel like less of a man if you do not show him respect so maybe you can understand why hes so hurt/angry etc..

The fact that he has moved out and you are sharing custody means he is probably serious about this so you need to stop sleeping with him. He may just need some time and space to think.

I know the 3ways to push a man away are:

1/. Too many arguments/fights (stress)
2/. Disrespecting him as a man-verbal abuse etc.
3/. Using sex as a weapon (rejection)

You may need to accept it is over. Most men would not move out of their home and leave their wife/kid/mortgage unless they were sure thats what they want. Sorry I know thats not what you want to hear but the more you try to get him back-the further you are pushing him away.

Just let him clear his head and think. Dont let him come over. Do not sleep with him. Let him no that you cannot be around him while you still love him and it hurts to see him so ask him to stay away. If he comes back and says he wants to try- Get relationship counselling and start all over again dating. If not, let him go xx

[clarabellew]

Thanks...

I have already sought counselling and have offered to arrange and pay for us to have counselling together. I can't even really say he's not interested - he just hasn't acknowledged me saying that at all.

In terms of him moving out, there are a couple of things to note; yes, he has moved out. But the house he is renting is on a month by month basis, so he could easily stop (he's not got a minimum contract or anything). He still has quite a bit of stuff here - clothes, jewellery, kitchen stuff, paperwork, DVD's, books, etc. He still has all his post sent here.

And also, we're still friends on Facebook and all our wedding photos and stuff are still on his wall (and believe me, he's very particular about that - when I split from my ex and got together with him, he made me go through and remove all traces of my ex husband). And he doesn't want anyone to know what's going on and that we are separated. Interestingly enough (I think), the two friends (a married couple, so really only count as one!) that he did text and tell, he told them we had 'separated' - there are a hundred and one ways he could have put it, we'd broke up, split up, ended it, finished it, called it a day... but he chose to say separated, which to the three of us sounded temporary??

Oh, and I think out of spite, when he moved out, he took my engagement and wedding rings (I had taken them off). I actually paid for them myself. And he hasn't given them back yet. I do keep mentioning it, but he doesn't respond. If he doesn't care, why not just give them back? Is he scared that I'll get rid of them and sell them, or...?

I do realise everything I've done to him and I'm truly sorry and I know now how I should treat him and our relationship., How do I get him to believe that???

[michelle23]

Just give it some time. The more you try to win them back, the more they run. Act like your not too bothered and your focusing on yourself and your children and you don't need him-is probably the only way he will come back.

As long as he thinks your there waiting for him, hell drag it out and make you suffer more-especially if hes angry/fed up/depressed. But as soon as he realizes you have accepted it and are trying to move on-he MAY say "hang on a minute, I could lose her for good if I don't swallow my pride now".

I dont want to give you false hope here. It may really be over and Im sorry for you if it is.

Either way, you should try to cling to your pride, dignity and respect and hope he comes back. If he doesnt within a month then you really need to try and move on. Have no contact for a month. Tell him to come and take his stuff now and ask him to give you some space as you need time to heal if its over. When he is collection your kid, drop the child at a friends house and leave before he comes to pick them up. Avoid him completely.

Hopefully this will work. xx

[clarabellew]

Again, thanks... a big part of me knows what you are saying is true and this afternoon I have been really thinking about and I know I need to back off again. I did it before and he did start to pick up contact again. I just need to be strong enough to do it again. My Mum is quite close to him and she was texting him this afternoon (whilst I was with her) and offered for him to call her to talk through things - he replied to say thanks for the offer but he needs time to think all of this through. He could have just say no, there's no point? I genuinely don't think he wants his life to be without me - it may come down to pride. So I will sit back for now. Mum's said I can take Madison (our daughter) to her for him to collect from there and if he asks why, I will be honest and say I can't deal with seeing him right now, he's hurt me too much too.

Oh, I probably should have said..... we work together too. lol. That's how we met. We are not in the same department, but do have a fair bit of contact. It's okay though - we are both professionals and do handle that side of things well. Sometimes I even catch him looking at me in *that* way and watching me in meetings, but its good because we can't do anything at the time, if you see what I mean.

[michelle23]

Thats great, try to stay strong. Every relationship has its problems and with the right help you can be happy together again. He prob just needs time and space to figure everything out. Xx

[bleucandle]

Sometimes things just end rough and unresolved, as in your case. Unfortunately though, as long as you continue pleading to chance it again, he'll keep it all at bay; only to show up again for sex. The 30,000ft view of this situation is; Stop giving him sex. He isnt coming back anytime soon; if at all, or under the current state of affairs. Please dont think Im being rough on you, I'm only giving you the business of what the likelihood is. Let him find you again, with his heart. Go on and give him some time, rest assured that you'll both be in contact; but also, prepare yourself; mind, heart, and emotions to be on your own.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I really want to see an English couple fight, or "row" as they put it. From what I read on this site, it sounds like you really go all out. The chicks sound psychotic. Hot!