I still love him.

[lulalace]

I am still madly in love with my ex after 3 years. We have a child together and see each other often. We have shared a few cuddles this last while and intermittently since we broke up. For reasons that will take too long to explain, we broke up and seemed much happier apart. We are best friends but it had become as if we that's all we were, best friends. So I ended it, with much dismay. I really didn't want to but I knew I had to.

Now we're both in better places mentally, and we still show so much care for one another. I know there is still love there. I would hope so. But I am seeing someone else these last two years. I have become less and less attached to my current partner. I fear the honeymoon is wearing off and we're just not compatible. I find myself pulling away from him when he wants to kiss. Which is rarely these days. We haven't been sleeping together recently and I just have a general lack of interest in him. We're so different and now that the lust part is starting to slip, I can barely see a reason we should stay together. We live together too which is an added nightmare to think about.

I'm very confused. I want my ex in my life as much as possible. I am also very capable of being alone, something I never thought I could be before we split up. But I have become my own person, gained independence and a life for myself, which was probably a major factor into why things went so sour when we were together. I found attention and excitement with my current partner, but as I said, now all I can see are the negatives of being with him.

It's frustrating. Four months ago, I was considering marriage with him but I can't help but compare the feelings to being with him long term to my ex. We have very little in common, he is grumpy, he speaks down to me quite a bit and thinks things about me which are just not true.

I don't know what I expect to happen, if anything, with my ex. In some ways I can see us being together, but for the sake of more gossip and my head being in a good place, I can't imagine it would be for a while. When we first broke up, he started seeing someone casually for a while but it didn't even affect me THAT much. Now, I couldn't imagine what I would be like if I seen him with someone else.

I cannot stop thinking about him. Should I tell him?

[michelle23]

First of all you need to end things with ur current partner and be on your own for awhile before anything else. You cant just hop from one relationship to the next-that is unhealthy. It sounds like u take the easy way out insread of trying to make a proper go of things..

Y did u and ur ex split up? If u left him for someone else or cheated then i recommend you leave him alone...

However, if u split on good terms, then there may be a way back. I think you should see a relationship counsellor or do some research on relatioships as it sounds like as soon as it gets a little comfortable or boring you bail. Also it sounds like u let the sex go stale each time.

Relationships take work and to get the best out of them you need to put yourself invested fully in it. You need to give your whole self heart body soul and mind and stop wondering is the grass greener.

If you and he really are best friends then u never should have split up. You should have just put more effection, intimacy and quality time in

[lulalace]

I know it's easy to think that because I have only briefly touched on reasons why we split. We were together for a long time. And for most of that part, as friends rather than partners. We were both young, had a family young, everything was so rushed and serious very quickly. I tried and tried but at the time, he had no interest in me. Not really. I tried till I drove myself insane. I was in a really bad place trying to make us work. I got very possessive of him and it wasn't fair. He would never have cheated on me. But it was really hard to deal with rejection from him sexually.

I know I became a really boring person because all I had going for me was him and our child who is now nearly 7. After all the effort I put in, we were just wearing each other down. He was obviously unhappy, as was I. You are right, that I did in the end think the grass was greener. Not in the strongest sense though. I had given it my all, I had become severely depressed and that was helping no one. It ended up that we were much better off apart. We were able to be best mates without the aggro of the relationship tearing us apart.

But now that we are both happy, and older and wiser, I can't help but still think that we would be fine if we got back together. I got over all my insecurities. I became an interesting person. Happy and outgoing and have things to talk about and do things with my time. Not just sit in the house with a baby and worry if he still loves me.

I had a lot of stuff to work on and I know I have worked most of that out. I gave it everything I felt I could at the time, but it was just a bad time for both of us after a while. He would pretend he felt fine when he didn't. I know he generally likes doing his own thing, and could easily spend his lifetime alone. At the minute he is texting me. He is doing this more and more often recently, just chatting. But also told me that these days, he can't stop thinking about me. And it's mutual.

You're right on the current partner front. It's hard for me to see clearly at the minute. Am I not interested in my current partner because I am fantasising about a life that might not even be possible with my ex? Am I just letting my head fly with that because me and my ex are so close and have perfectly matching personalities?

I know one thing, I haven't let the sex go stale with my current partner. That's entirely on his part. Just after this honeymoon period, I feel like I got caught up in the lust. In the back of my head, I always knew we weren't compatible. That's one thing I learned from my last relationship. After the honeymoon and butterflies wear off, you have to be compatible. Me and my ex were, but we were so young, it just wasn't something we were able to cope with at the time.

I may have had the "greener" side. I, in some ways, really needed it. We both did. We needed that time apart to breathe and "find ourselves". *cringe*

[michelle23]

Well u need to stop contact with both for awhile, clear your head, figure out whats best for you. Its never a good idea to be close friends with another man when ur in a relationship even if he is the father of your chils. Thats how affairs normally start and it is usually just a delusion, a fantasy and an escape from reality. But you and he have a lot of history and it sounds like he never stopped loving you which is why he has not moved on.

You cant stay where you are now stuck in limbo. And you need to be 100% sure if you get back with your ex. It would not be fair on him or your child if it didnt work out the second time round. I think you need to be sure also that yoyr current relationship is over and take time to grieve the loss of it before you move on

[michelle23]

It would be great btw if you and the ex could make a proper go of it but you need to be in a healthy place emotionally for it to work.

You also cant expect to just be perfect either all of a sudden. You will have to take it slow, start all over again from scratch and date each other. Dont move too fast and make sure your child does not know anything until you are both fully committed to making it work

[lulalace]

Thanks Michelle. Yeah I do know all this too. I know it would take alot of time if we were to work before I could allow things to be solid between us. I jumped too easily into another relationship after feeling I was lacking in being loved and wanted. A silly mistake because I wasn't in the right state mentally. It wasn't the smartest idea but it worked ok for a long while which is not something to be sniffed at.

I worked so hard to make our child happy and feel comforted after the split from my ex. I couldn't in any way even consider allowing her to know there could be anything going on between me and him. If it ever did come to us getting back together, it would need to be for certain. She's a very happy little kid now, getting all the attention from both of us that she deserves. It would not be right to confuse her in any way. The last three years have been hard enough.

I have a lot to think about. I fear these feeling may pass. That may not be a bad thing. They have come and go before where I made them stop. I had to distance myself from him for fear of getting pulled back in and thinking maybe it was just easier to be with him that to be without. This long after though, it's not in those first few months post break up where everything is up in the air, and the possibility of getting back together for the wrong reasons is high.

I hope things work out. Not necessarily seeing an exact outcome, but I have gotten used to not acting on every thought that enters my head when it comes to relationships. I know to wait it out. I guess, I just feel I need to voice what I am thinking about. We have too many mutual friends, all three parties involved and it's hard to find someone I can talk to or who can relate to my situation.

[rob1984]

lulalace, i've learnt one thing.. you should go see a counselor and ask them for some advice.. I came to a realization people sign up on these forums cause they have a problem, then get answers from people who use their emotions to give advice. What you are trying to accomplish is potentially leaving one person and going with your ex.. maybe, this is a very important life decision and should not be aided by strangers online..

I'm here cause i had an issue, but too many people giving conflicting advice, making situations worse instead of just answering based on the question asked, See some professional.. and good luck

[rob1984]

do not let strangers decide on your and daughters future.

[lulalace]

You're right Rob yeah.

I wouldn't really take too much away from this forum. I guess as I said above, I just need to voice these thoughts because I can't really elsewhere. I feel like conversing with SOMEONE will help a little. I've never been on relationship forums before. Even at my worst when we broke up. I just got through it myself. As hard as it was. I should have seen someone then as I was very very low. I've come out stronger though but I know when they alarm bells go off to remind me I may be repeating things that aren't necessarily healthy.

[rob1984]

exactly, i posted here and one other place, and same.. i ask for info based on what I wrote, all i got was some help.. but mostly people saying more happened, shes a lying whore ect... but because they got hurt they ruin others. good luck.. you seem like a very nice woman and you really care for your daughter.. make her a priority and you'll be fine.

[michelle23]

I agree with rob about seeing a counsellor. That will definately help you to make a decision. You need to be sure. Youve been with your partner for 2years so you must love him. But if your unhappy, you need to do whats best for you

[clarabellew]

I feel for you, hun, but wow, do I admire you! You are so self-aware and that is great to see.

If it was me, I would probably end things with your current bf, mainly because he doesn't make you happy and you have real doubts. But perhaps take some time to see how your feelings towards your ex develop? Not only that, it might be that if you went straight to your ex and told him how you feel and everything, he may have securities about you only having just finished with your current bf?

On the other hand, life is short and sometimes you just have to follow your heart.... maybe things would be different this time. I know your head is worried that they wouldn't be, but what if they were? How great would that be? And there's only one way to find out?

I am probably a little behind you in the same process myself - my husband and I are in a very bad place and separated at the moment. He has some real big issues in his own head at the moment with trust and stuff. I've never given him reason to mistrust me and I've tried to sort things, but, it's making things worse. But, I feel with some space and time, it won't be the end; we will both calm down, realise what we had and assess the entire situation then. It is so so hard though.... every day feels like a year!!

[toknow]

Relationships take work and to get the best out of them you need to put yourself invested fully in it. You need to give your whole self heart body soul and mind and stop wondering is the grass greener.

Very much agree with this.

Most people see relationships as a recreational sport, as a supplement to their life, not their life, and that's why they can never have a real relationship.

[michelle23]

Very much agree with this.

Most people see relationships as a recreational sport, as a supplement to their life, not their life, and that's why they can never have a real relationship.

Mostly it boils down to being insecure, settling for second best and then constantly waiting for something better to come along.

[LoveCanHurt]

Sounds like someone needs a break...and I mean break from both men.
Take time to maybe get some counseling, get some things going for yourself..and see where you do stand...
It might not be the honeymoon is over, it might be you are getting cold feet.
It might be that there was no honeymoon, but you flipped into the relationship because it was there after your breakup..
Take a break from them both if you can..