Looking for hope :/

[Teeshonator]

My first post on here, please be gentle.

My husband and I have just celebrated our 2 year anniversary in January. Long story short, I moved to England from Canada to live with him close to 2 years ago, and life was perfect. Until not too long after my arrival I found out I was pregnant - we both weren't ready having just started our life together and despite everything I miscarried. Needless to say, it was a difficult couple months for me after that. Things between my husband and I got more and more difficult, and I started to suspect that he might be seeing someone else.
He left himself logged in the computer one day I was home from work (and we can all see where this is going) he was on numerous dating sites, on webcam with girls, explicit photo exchanging, the works. He denied it over and over - but I never could believe him.
On top of that, I was having trouble keeping jobs, I had gone through a couple, honestly it was all out of my control and nothing I had done to deserve it - however I had savings in place which kept us going. He would consistently freak out when he would check the bank statements, obviously we weren't on cloud nine but I wasn't going overboard with my spending (which he admits now).
Cut to august last year, between my jobs, the money fights, lack of intimacy and trust - then I got news that my grandfather in Canada was extremely poorly. I had to go home to be with him, look after him as nobody else could. While I was in Canada, I picked up a part time job purely to send money back to UK for our bills. When I got back a month later we agreed on a new beginning and things were really like they were when we first lived together.
Until he left the computer logged in again. I woke it out of sleep mode to find he was still on webcam with girls, and all the same as before - if not worse because he was trying to arrange meeting up while I was in Canada. There's no word to explain this except for completely heartbreaking.
When confronted he said when I left for Canada, he thought I wasn't coming back - that I had broken his heart. I never once said I was leaving because of him, or that I wasn't coming back. The whole time I was gone we spoke everyday, had the occasional fight - and he can be extremely hurtful (throwing the hate word around, etc)

Anyway, most recently he started checking my facebook and etc. The only thing he could find was some convos I had with an old co-worker, which weren't intimate or anything - but because he was a guy, my husband decided I must be trying to 'get back at him'. I went out for my sister-in-laws hen party this past weekend, didn't get home til 2-3am and now he thinks I was sleeping with this guy that night. He's said he really hates me, wants me to move back to Canada. Then ever since then - total 360 - acting like nothing is wrong. In the end he's twisted it so much that I was apologizing, he made me feel like I HAD been cheating. Its taking everything inside me to feel that love for him again, but after a month of being accused of cheating and being beaten over the head with abusive words - is it possible?

Sorry for such a lengthy post. Maybe I just need a vent - but any advice would be much appreciated. I love my husband. I just don't feel like he loves me, the way he makes me feel like I'm not enough. Nothing I do is right. He used to comment about my appearance, but this lack of trust (he even accused me of stealing from his business at one point). There just doesn't feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[michelle23]

I am sorry for what you are going through. If I were you, I would leave him and get a divorce. Its your choice obviously but it sounds like you cannot trust him at all and he takes the easy way out each time something goes wrong. He has also turned it around on you to make you look guilty for something that he did and he just kept giving you a load of excuses for his bad behavior.

In my eyes, no man is worth that. Id go home if I were you and find yourself someone more emotionally mature, more inner strength, more honest and more integrity.

[Boisdevie]

You have two options:
1. Stay with the prick and say goodbye to any idea of living a happy life.
2. Leave the prick.

Option 2 looks good to me.

[smackie9]

How can you love a man that gets himself off with strange women via webcam, is not intimate with you, has money issues, manipulates you, lies, and takes no accountability for his poor behavior. You should be hating this man, and getting a divorce.

[kat82]

You mentioned losing your job & living off savings...does he work? Does he contribute financially?
You moved to him, instead of him moving to you.

Instead of being supportive of you needing to be there for your grandfather, he plans on cheating on you while you are away?
It looks to me like he is a taker...he takes & takes & gives nothing in return.

That is NOT love in any way shape or form.

[FlaCooln]

Leave him. He sounds like a real narcissistic prick. You may love him, but that asshole only loves himself. His true colors showed...get out and when you leave you should definitely kick him the balls...twice.

[Ann S]

Dear Teeshonator: WOW - I have so much to say to you. First, you are married to a, "blamer," and a person who emotionally manipulates. "Blamers," can never look at themselves and have the distinct talent of evoking others to feel like shit! And YOU took on the blame, and I bet you tried to plead your case, explain and justify. That never works. And I bet you have tried to plead you case, explain and justify over and over to no avail. That is where the emotional manipulation comes in. You are in a relationship toxic dynamic! Now that your, "blamer," knows how to wound you, he will keep wounding you in the same place, over and over, to control you and to get whatever it is he wants. Your husband also sounds like a narcissist: for this kind of personality, there is no empathy for anyone else, because life is all about them! Narcissists prey on those of us who try to please others - and guess what? Narcissists can NEVER be pleased. I urge you to end this relationship. I wonder why you still love this guy who has been anything but a partner to you! Are you a glutton for punishment?
Additionally, he is cheating on you - if not physically, then emotionally. He is NOT committed to YOUR relationship. Believe this as fact. Husbands don't go on dating sites just to, "explore." And look at how he handles his emotional issues - he looks for another woman?
Now to respond to what you have said in your text. See below:

When confronted he said when I left for Canada, he thought I wasn't coming back - that I had broken his heart....what a great, ridiculous excuse! See? It's your fault, isn't it. So he went to a dating website and didn't even discuss his, "broken heart," with you. Folks with, "broken hearts," don't act this way.

my husband decided I must be trying to 'get back at him'.....So HE decided without even discussing it with you? Another item that is YOUR FAULT! And I never once hear you discuss your husband's concerns about your feelings - it's all about him.

He's said he really hates me, wants me to move back to Canada. I WANT YOU TO MOVE BACK TO CANADA AND FIND A HEALTHY GUY!

In the end he's twisted it so much that I was apologizing - blaming and emotional manipulation foster your response.....please get yourself out of this toxic dynamic. You have nowhere else to go but down, further if you stay in it.

he made me feel like I HAD been cheating. Its taking everything inside me to feel that love for him again, but after a month of being accused of cheating and being beaten over the head with abusive words - is it - You know, other's can't MAKE US FEEL - WE give our power away and let unhealthy people control our emotions. Why oh why are you sticking around for this emotional abuse? I think another issue is that what is it about YOU that keeps you with a blaming, emotionally manipulating narcissist? That is the REAL question.

Its taking everything inside me to feel that love for him again, but after a month of being accused of cheating and being beaten over the head with abusive words - is it possible? I hope it is NOT possible. Again, why are you allowing this? There is no consequence for his behavior, and because of this, your have allowed his abhorrent behavior go into what I call the, "OK CORAL." Because you take on the victim role here, you have not drawn a line about what is OK and not OK in your relationship. YOU have allowed this abusive behavior to continue.

the way he makes me feel like I'm not enough. No, again, you sign up for this by allowing it.

Nothing I do is right. He used to comment about my appearance, but this lack of trust (he even accused me of stealing from his business at one point). Again, you have stayed around to hear all of his emotional abuse, unfounded accusations, his screwing with your reality, etc.

I hope you get on the first plane home and get some counseling for yourself so you don't select another blamer and emotionally manipulating narcissist in a future relationship.

This is a very difficult path, if you decide to opt for, "freedom." It takes courage to change and to evolve out of toxic dynamics. I wish you well. Ann