Confused after 4 years with older man

[molly930]

Hi all. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I live with my partner of over 4 years-- actually, we've now lived together for four years. I was 19 when I met him, he is quite a bit older (19 years, to be exact), and we moved in together quite quickly. I am American and he is Canadian-- though he was working as a prof in the US when I met him, I moved up to Canada within a few months. I love him very, very dearly and we have been through a lot. He is divorced, and was in an open relationship (ours is monogomous, and he has no interest in being with other women) When our relationship is good, it is great. But, he is an alcoholic and suffers from severe depression. It is quite challenging, overwhelming, and hard to deal with at times. I'm not without my faults-- I've suffered from an eating disorder for about 7 years now. We spend basically all of our time together. We have a house and two cats

He gets extremely defensive about his drinking, and quite mad at me if I try to do anything about it. It waxes and wanes, but just to give you an idea, 6-8 drinks is a pretty easy going night. Like I said, he does struggle with severe depression, and has suicidal thoughts, though he rarely shares this with me. He and I are both in treatment.

He is quite attract, and although I know the age difference will get pounced on, it really isn't out problem. He just struggles mentally so much, and it takes up so much time-- he is gruff and cranky, and sometimes I get forgotten in his focus on his struggles. I don't mean to sound self-centered, it is just hard to feel ignored. For example, when he's drinking, he tells me how embarrassed he is that he hasn't proposed, and it is because he can't afford the ring. But, if he cared that much, wouldn't he stop the $100 bar tabs and $30 at the liquor store every night, and save up? If he quit drinking and put that money towards a ring, I'd have one like Victoria Beckham's!

I would never leave him for struggling, but sometimes I feel like he isn't trying. Over the past year, I've been thinking more and more about dating other men, and what my life would be like if I was single. All of our funds are joint, so I really don't have any money of my own. I love him so much and in a lot of ways can't imagine my life without him, and I know it would break his heart if I left... it would break mine too. I just don't know if I want the rest of my life to be this way. I had faith that it would change, but as time goes on and things seem the same, I just wonder if I'm in a little over my head. His family has been wonderful to me and I'm extremely close with them, and our lives are so intertwined, and we both love each other... the idea of leaving him seems unimaginable, but I am scared of what my future will be like with him. I was so young when we met, I hadn't finished growing up... I don't really know what being an adult is like without being with him.

Any thoughts, suggestions, or advice would be so greatly appreciated. Thank you!

[bigjord]

thats a really tough one, stupid question but have u tried a ultimatum? maybe that would shift him into gear, i know its harsh, but sometimes these things have to be done to make him see reality, and for him to really think about things, or maybe sit down and explain exactly how you feel, that you love him dearly but cant carry on with how you feel and how things are?

Hope my advice helped if only in the slightest, anything else im ere

Love Jord

[Rowen]

First off, I'm very sorry to hear about your troubles. I have a microscopic idea of what you must be thinking only because I've dated an alcoholic before, but it wasn't for as long as you have. All I'll say about this before I get down to some ideas is that you are very strong for dealing with this. Don't think of yourself as self-centered. Just think of yourself as strong because that's what you are. You can get through this, no matter what you have to do or the outcome.

Now, onto some ideas.

You mentioned before that both of you are in treatment... Is this as in therapy or medication (Like Booze-away) or just support groups?

Have you tried an intervention? Perhaps, if close friends of his and his family are also quite concerned with this, you could put one together. Sometimes, seeing how much those around you care is enough to spark a change for the better, especially when you're on your way to destruction.
If you don't have a therapist or psychiatrist, it might be best to try to get him to see one, if you haven't already. Don't try contacting Dr. Phil if you don't have the money for one... People like that don't even care about the person they're "trying to help," and nine times out of ten they won't reply to your email.

If all else fails...there is a gamble if you feel lucky. By that, I mean an ultimatum that it's either the drinking or you- that you can't keep living like this. If you do this, though, you have to accept two things- one being the fact that he may very well choose the drinking over you and two that you need to be firm.
Ever hear the love story of Johnny Cash and June Carter? Cash got into drinking and drugs, on a path to self-destruction. In the end, Carter was firm in her ways, making it clear that if he really cared about her, he would change his ways. She never gave up on him, and that strength made their love all the more powerful, aside from the fact he made a bunch of money off the song which spawned from it ("I Walk the Line").

I only wish I could help you more, but these are the only ideas I could come up with. Either way, I wish you the best of luck. And if you ever need anyone to talk to, you can always PM me if you so wish.
I hope this helps. Stay strong; you can do this.
-Will

[pcmaster]

Do you both believe in god? Cause praying and believing in something gives huge inner strenght whats usefull to fight addiction. However if a guy have young girl by his side and still thinking about suicide than man is blind. Perhaps a while without you could make him see again.

[basilandthyme]

Does he want to change? Has he ever made serious attempts to quit the booze?

[michelle23]

This sounds like co-dependency. It is unhealthy and it wont get any better unless you are both willing to take action and make changes now.

[Boba7]

I've never been in a romantic relationship with an alcoholic, but my mother was one, so I have some experience in dealing with them. The truth is I fought for many miserable years to help her, trying everything in my power, and in the end alcohol killed her. Everyone and their situation is different, your story may very well turn out to have a happy ending and I'm not saying you should give up, but I want you to realize that if you continue, it may possibly be the hardest thing you'll ever do and you will need a lot of strength.

[michelle23]

My dad also had a drink problem. Only sorted himself out when my mum left him for 2 weeks last year.. It was enough to make him try to change. He still drinks but not as much. He was always a binge drinker-never an alcoholic but it started to get worse when my family went through hell. People got sick, close relative died, his best friend also died. It was hard for us all but nearly losing everything made him at least try..

[brian08]

hmmmnn. the story is pathetic. i think if you still love him, you have to do something about him drinking always and behaving to you anyhow. if you don't mind, i will give you a specialist email that can help in solving issues like this. i think you act fast before you run mental because of how he behaves. the specialist mail is serubawonomoso at yahoo dot com. Goodluck to you. this is the little help i can render to you because i know how it feels for a woman to be in your kind of condition. just mail him and he will surely help out.

[Wakeup]

He gets extremely defensive about his drinking, and quite mad at me if I try to do anything about it.

Once you realize that you can't control anyone but yourself, you'll stop these useless attempts at trying to make him change to who you want him to be.

Join al-anon and learn how to handle your codependency so that you're no longer enabling him to be who he is and you stop getting frustrated by trying to change someone other than yourself. You might want to read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatie and help yourself get off this frustrating, dysfunctional merry-go-round you find yourself on. You say you're in "treatment" you may find discussing your codependency with your councellor will help you to understand yourself.

You may, but only if you do the work you need to do to understand your situation through education and being pro-active.

Good luck.

[michelle23]

Remember you are 19 with your whole life ahead of you. The world can offer you whatever you want it to. If this is not the life you want-you have options. There are billions of people in the world and you only get a few REAL chances at happiness and I say grab them with both hands.

I am not telling you to end your current relationship but just remember-that is an option if all this is too much.

You need to put your own happiness first if staying is only going to make you more miserable.

[Rowen]

...However if a guy have young girl by his side and still thinking about suicide than man is blind. Perhaps a while without you could make him see again.

I disagree with the first sentence there... In depression, it never really matters who is by your side. You're down and out, and you feel alone and helpless. It's not something you can just control. Ever hear of Sylvia Plath? She had two kids when she killed herself on February 11, 1963. She felt, according to her novel The Bell Jar and a variety of her confessional poems, like she was suffocating in life and alone- helpless even. So, she set out two bowls of cereal for her children's breakfast after they went to bed, and then she gassed herself with their range.
Depression isn't a simple opinion like if someone should wear a blue shirt or a green one. It's an illness, and those who have it need the help of a doctor and/or medication to overcome it.


As for the second part of it, this would go along well with the ultimatum, if you should choose to give it to him, OP.
Either way, best of luck.

[toknow]

...In depression, it never really matters who is by your side.

Completely disagree with this statement. It matters tremendously and can mean the difference between life and death.

[vashti]

Speaking as a nurse, I can tell you that I couldn't live with an alcoholic. They are my least-favorite type of patient to get, and their families are miserable. They tend to ruin everyone's life that has the misfortune to know them, they pee and poop all over themselves when detoxing, and they try to manipulate everyone they come into contact with. To top it all off, they can't even perform well sexually.

Find yourself someone without an addiction and more age-appropriate. The reason this guy is with you at all is because most women his own age wouldn't tolerate such a man.

[molly930]

I very much appreciate your feedback. I don't think, though, his problem has developed quite to the 'pee and pooping while detoxing' stage, quite thankfully. Our sex life is quite fantastic, actually. He IS quite age appropriate for me, in my mind, and he certainly has never had a problem being with women-- women his age, or even older-- before. When we met he was dating a successful engineer 2 years older than him. I appreciate the thought, but the idea that he is with me because I tolerate more as a young girl is rubbish.

Speaking as a nurse, I can tell you that I couldn't live with an alcoholic. They are my least-favorite type of patient to get, and their families are miserable. They tend to ruin everyone's life that has the misfortune to know them, they pee and poop all over themselves when detoxing, and they try to manipulate everyone they come into contact with. To top it all off, they can't even perform well sexually.

Find yourself someone without an addiction and more age-appropriate. The reason this guy is with you at all is because most women his own age wouldn't tolerate such a man.