Help sorting out my feelings/boyfriend upset about waiting

[Christinepaul]

This is a complicated story, but I'll try to make it easier to understand. We're 20 and 21. I hope this is the right forum for this? If not I'm sorry
My boyfriend and I dated for a month, he realized he was depressed, we broke up so he could deal with it, he went to therapy, still goes, and is doing much better. He spent the entire 3 months we were apart trying to win me back and said that the break up (among other things) was partly because he realized he liked me a lot and could see us together for a long time and it freaked him out. After I had heard enough (4 months of it) to convince me to give him another chance, we got back together "officially" about two or three weeks ago.

He's been really different this time around. He seems a lot happier and much more willing to put some effort into the relationship. He has said a lot of things that have made me trust that there really is something different this time, which I was not willing to believe so easily at first. But there is just something....
We both like each other, but we have so little in common. We were talking about why we're together, and neither of us could come up with why we work as a couple. He actually responded "i went to therapy because i couldn't figure it out". When we broke up, he said that before he met me he was lonely. So there is still a part of me that thinks we're just dating because of convenience or something.

Now to the problem that brought this all up. Both times we've dated, he has wanted to take things to the next level. The first time, he was a lot more persistent about it, and I had thought maybe that my holding him back was one of the reasons we broke up. Which I was fine with, if he was only looking for sex then good riddance. But this time, he's told me over and over again that I set the pace.
However, this morning, I was talking to him about me getting back on birth control, and with doctors appointments and my health issues, it might be a month or a little more before we can have sex (for the first time). He seemed ok with that at first, but then got really quiet and said that he thought I was lying that it would take that long. He seemed really upset. Like heartbroken type of upset, not mad. Like I was rejecting him.

So since we have gotten back together, he's been all "you set the pace, I don't want to push you, I want you to be happy" and he's barely been letting me know what HE wants. I know I'm not the only one who's opinion matters in this relationship. I asked him if a month was too long, and he just seemed really hurt and said that he's been waiting for 5 times longer than he ever wanted to already.

I know a lot of people would say that if he loves you, he'll wait and all that, but he just seemed so upset and hurt and not angry or pushy that I don't know what to think. I had considered that maybe lack of sex was the reason we broke up the first time, but he came back knowing I would want to wait, so I'm pretty sure that's not it.
It brings up the whole issue of why we're dating for me, because every time he seems like he really likes me, something like this will happen and I start to wonder if it's true.

I'm just really confused.

[michelle23]

A month is nothing. And you should hold out until your sure you trust him. I think your wasting your time tbh. It sounds too complicated for the early days of a relationship. If it doesnt feel right then it prob isnt. Follow your instincts and do whats best for you. You dont owe him anything

[smackie9]

OK lets look at the first part of your post. The reason why he is in a relationship with you. Most who suffer from depression are usually co-dependent. Pointing out the fact you have nothing in common set off alarm bells. I suggest that he is depending on this relationship for the wrong reasons. He is lonely and you give him a life, he depends on it to bring him happiness, and wants his sexual needs fulfilled. There is nothing in your post that tells me that he really cares about you, no talk of solid future plans, and all the other things you would expect in a serious relationship. All I see is a guy wanting sex and has no interest in emotional connection, having an interest in you as a person or your life.

He isn't mature enough to be in a serious relationship with you. You have certain expectations, and there is no way he will fulfill those. He is just a horny guy that just wants sex and has no interest in you as a person.

You are best to call this off and move on, or you will be back here posting "Since we had sex, he won't commit to me". or "I don't know where I stand in the relationship. Is he using me for sex?"

[smackie9]

To add it's a month in an you still don't trust him. That's a big red flag.

[Christinepaul]

OK lets look at the first part of your post. The reason why he is in a relationship with you. Most who suffer from depression are usually co-dependent. Pointing out the fact you have nothing in common set off alarm bells. I suggest that he is depending on this relationship for the wrong reasons. He is lonely and you give him a life, he depends on it to bring him happiness, and wants his sexual needs fulfilled. There is nothing in your post that tells me that he really cares about you, no talk of solid future plans, and all the other things you would expect in a serious relationship. All I see is a guy wanting sex and has no interest in emotional connection, having an interest in you as a person or your life.

He isn't mature enough to be in a serious relationship with you. You have certain expectations, and there is no way he will fulfill those. He is just a horny guy that just wants sex and has no interest in you as a person.

You are best to call this off and move on, or you will be back here posting "Since we had sex, he won't commit to me". or "I don't know where I stand in the relationship. Is he using me for sex?"

Well...no, I mean, I only gave the overview. He said that he had been lonely while he was breaking up with me, then after being apart a while he finally told me the real reasons for the break up, which were his depression and trouble with his family/friends. He's not lonely in the sense that I give him a life. He's more busy and passionate about his path right now than most people I know. He has more close friends than I do. He doesn't need me to make him happy.

And I know he cares, he plans to see me, calls me just to talk, does romantic stuff, asks me about myself, wants me to meet his friends/my friends to meet him, stuff like that, I was trying to get that idea across. As for solid future plans, we've only been together for a very short amount of time, the furthest ahead we plan is like events in the next month or so. He did tell me, before we got back together, that he wants a serious relationship. That with me he's looking at more like a year rather than a month. I'm just confused. It seems like he's being totally honest, it almost seems like sex is his only hang up.

[HeartIsAching]

I'm also seeing insecurity, control and distrust issues in this guy. At least he was honest enough to tell you to your face that he distrusted you...

But I'm smelling jealous boyfriend material here.l

[Christinepaul]

I'm also seeing insecurity, control and distrust issues in this guy. At least he was honest enough to tell you to your face that he distrusted you...

But I'm smelling jealous boyfriend material here.l

insecurity, possibly.
but control, I don't get that from him at all. distrust of me? He has no reason. And jealous of what?

[smackie9]

So if he has come back all happy and says he wants a serious relationship blah blah blah...so why are you not ready for a sexual relationship? Did you discuss this part when you met? or you just came up with this a month later because you don't trust him?

[Wakeup]

Well, it's common knowledge that lots of people feel loved through sexual intimacy. Perhaps he's wanting to be shown through intimacy how much you care for him? It's nothing new that men want to consumate a romantic relationship as soon as possible and when he heard that he'll need to wait another month or so (even though you could use condoms as bc) he's probably wondering if you do actually love him or ever want to have sex.

The point I think you have to concentrate on, Christine is that even though he is disappointed (normal reaction especially for a guy) he was quite willing to wait for you to be just as ready as he is. I think the thing you should try and figure out is why you are mis-trusting of his feelings. Any guy who only wanted sex from you wouldn't ask you back after he'd already gotten rid of you. I think there is lots of evidence that he values you for more than just a boink... so why the apprehension from YOU?

[HeartIsAching]

insecurity, possibly.
but control, I don't get that from him at all. distrust of me? He has no reason. And jealous of what?

He SAID he thought you were lying to him. Obviously distrust. Duh.

he'll wait and all that, but he just seemed so upset and hurt and not angry or pushy

He's not using anger, just a different method to impose his will. You have to decide whether it's genuine or manipulative.

Jealous doesn't need a reason, all jealous needs is insecurity and distrust.

[Boisdevie]

Have to wait a month to have sex because of BC issues - absolute bullshit. I know that some people regard the US of A as a bit of a developing country but I thought that condoms could be bought quite easily.

[Christinepaul]

Well, it's common knowledge that lots of people feel loved through sexual intimacy. Perhaps he's wanting to be shown through intimacy how much you care for him? It's nothing new that men want to consumate a romantic relationship as soon as possible and when he heard that he'll need to wait another month or so (even though you could use condoms as bc) he's probably wondering if you do actually love him or ever want to have sex.

The point I think you have to concentrate on, Christine is that even though he is disappointed (normal reaction especially for a guy) he was quite willing to wait for you to be just as ready as he is. I think the thing you should try and figure out is why you are mis-trusting of his feelings. Any guy who only wanted sex from you wouldn't ask you back after he'd already gotten rid of you. I think there is lots of evidence that he values you for more than just a boink... so why the apprehension from YOU?

I'm going to answer both you and smackie here if that's alright.

Yes, we talked about this when we first got together. He's not a virgin, I am, and he wasn't thrilled about waiting, but I told him that I would let him know when I was ready, that I'd let him go as far as I was comfortable with and let him know if he was crossing a line. And that's been our model since then.

We're not entirely non-sexual, just not "actual" sex yet. We've progressed over time. I guess part of it is that he was ready practically as soon as we started dating, so it seems like what is a moderately big deal for me isn't for him which combined with the "i was lonely" thing really got to me, and now i'm still working to trust him again. And the other part is, why the hell do we work so well otherwise when we have so little in common. I can't really pinpoint why I like him so much, I just know I do. And he says the same. I sound crazy, but since there's that underlying trust issue, I feel like I can't just let it go and ignore our differences. This definitely is my issue, I just don't know what to do about it.
Rationally, I should trust him again, I just am having a hard time doing that. I want to, something's holding me back and I think it's that. If we had everything in common and fit together perfectly ("true love" I suppose) I could see why he would make this turn around and suddenly be a great boyfriend, but since we're practically opposites, part of me doesn't believe it because I don't understand it. Basically, I know I'm great, but I'm not THAT great. What's with his sudden turn around? stupid.

and yeah, I sort of got the vibe from him that he was upset because he wants me to want him that way, and feels like I don't. It just upset me because I was telling him I was getting on the pill so that we could be intimate soon and I have an appointment and everything, and he just saw it as me forcing us to wait longer. He said that a month was a "long f*cking time" when it isn't. I was tempted to tell him that other guys wait until marriage, but I knew it wouldn't help. I understand that we could ONLY use condoms, but we'd both talked about it and said we'd rather be more protected.

So how do I make him happy? I'm pretty positive he'll stick around either way, but I don't want him to be miserable about it. And how do I get past not trusting him from before?

I know I'm putting too much into this, I'm just confused and I should stop this crazy train

[Christinepaul]

Have to wait a month to have sex because of BC issues - absolute bullshit. I know that some people regard the US of A as a bit of a developing country but I thought that condoms could be bought quite easily.

considering that: A. he and I both agreed we want to use both condoms and the pill
B. that my appointment is in three weeks, and my doctor last time told me to wait a week before relying on it.
Not bullshit. sorry

[basilandthyme]

I'm with Boisdevie. Wating a month because of birth control issues is a poor excuse to avoid sex. It's just not believable - which is probably why he's upset.

Now, I'm not saying that you SHOULD have sex - it's your perogative to wait. If you had said you wanted to wait because you want to be more secure in the relationship or you're simply not ready, it would make perfect sense. But having to wait a month for contraception is just a rubbish excuse. You can buy contraception over the counter and have sex today if you wanted to.

If you want him to understand, give him a plausable reason.

[michelle23]

You are a virgin. Then sex should be with someone you trust 100% and he should understand that.