Newbie looking for help

[tassy]

I am 40 years old, 2 kids just out of their teens, one still at home and the other has grown up and is making a life for herself
I have a partner of 3 years who is really great most of the time, i am not perfect myself so i do not expect that of anyone else. I try to learn from my mistakes and try not to do the same things again, but if i do I then i try something new and different to not repeatedly hurt myself or anyone else. I try to be considerate and respectful, and all i ask is the same of others in my life.
Of late there has been many issues with my partner and i and my child who is still at home.
I am beginning to feel overwhelmed and lost, i have tried talking expressing my thoughts and feelings, i try to have an open discussion about issues, but lately i am feeling empty and really unsatisfied with the conversations and the outcomes. I am tired of the same old "i cant do anything about the past I can only try from here" and I am left with the feelings of hurt confussion and self doubt. I have tried many times to move past things and wipe the slate clean but at this point in time i am exhuasted, i just can not overlook or even move past disrespect, inconsideration, lies and sneakiness anymore. I have always been the one to "just get over it" i will voice my concern, pain and/or anger, i will have a sook then get up and shake it off and move on, I mean what else can you do? I just cant seem to do it anymore, these things are piling up and i dont even have a chance to get over one thing before there is yet another thing I am to forgive, understand, move past, get over.
Everything was going fine so I thought, a few bumps here and there between my man and i but I thought it was mostly going well, then i found out yet again that he was secretly looking at porn, this has been an issue for us in the past, it is not something I am comfortable with and there was an agreement made, however this agreement was never really agreed to by him it was only said to "shut me up" and he continued doing it anyway, all the while lying about it. Because like i said this had come up a few times before i decided this time that I wouldnt make an issue of it, i would not ask him why or to stop. I just told him that i knew about it and that I would do my best to accept that that is something he wants to do regardless of how it makes me feel so i will try to tackle my issue with it another way, by dealing with it on my own and just trying to ignor and accept it. This however made me distant, it is very difficult for me to force myself to accept something that I really dont like. He however has once again given me promises of it not happening again and he is so very sorry and all he can do is work on it from now as we cant change what has been done. I HATE THAT!!!!!!!!!! I dont hate anything but geewizz do I hate that line!! To me it is being used as a get out of jail free card, do what you like and then if caught claim you wont do it again and say it's in the past. Time and time again it's the same line!!!!! So if i punched him in the face (i never would) every Monday morning, apologised should everything be fine again every Tuesday cos it's in the past? I dont think so. Maybe that is a little far fetched but that is what comes to my mind now, i am not even able to try and move past it all anymore, to be honest i dont think i even want to. I believe that everyone should endure the consquences of their actions, but what are the consquences? Sorry to have gone on and on, but it does feel a little better getting some of my feelings out there where someone may actually have something helpful to respond with.
Thanks for reading this I am sorry its so long.

[AdminOnline]

Hello tassy, welcome aboard. Enjoy your visits.

[bearz]

Are there any other reasons why you are unhappy with him? Are him looking at porn and the inability to properly communicate the only two issues? Granted, not being able to openly talk about issues and being honest with each other is a huge problem and pretty much a deal breaker. But there seem to be a lot of things that you are not happy with.

[mylov]

To be honest I think that most men like to watch porn.. I must say that at first I had the same problem with my ex but I came to acceptance. From what I hear porn is also an addiction for some people so that's something that he will have to work on.... Is not something that he can stop watching over night. If you believe in God, I will just say to pray about it but I don't want to preach in here. If it goes against your morals that's something that is going to be hard to deal with... Maybe you can also watch it with him and ask him what is it that he likes about it.. You can use that as an advantage and find out what he likes in bed.... You could try to talk about it more openly and he might start watching it less. Sometimes men are like kids --- When you tell them not to do something, they do it more. Just a suggestion! I hope that I didn't offend you in any way and that things work out for you! Good luck!!

[basilandthyme]

Hi Tassy, I've got a few questions before I can help. Other than the porn, what issues do you have with your partner. You also mention many issues with my partner and i and my child who is still at home. What's going on with your child at home?

You ask what the consequences of his actions are. At present, there are no consequences. But if you got fed up sufficiently, you'd leave him - and THAT would be the consequence.

Oh, and I hear you when it comes to apologising. I also see 'sorry' as a get out of jail free card. I don't want to hear "sorry", I just want to know that it won't happen again! The words mean little to me and the actions mean everything.

I'd love to hear more information, but nobody much will see you up here in the introductions. Copy and paste your post (and add the extra info) down in the advice forums and you'll get a lot more feedback there.

**edited to add: how bad is his porn use. Eg; Are we talking once a month or is it frequent enough that he's no longer wanting sex with you?

[mylov]

basilandthyme.. You ask the right questions and give some great advice. I like it that you are no very judgmental but make a lot of sense when making your statements. I like your response in this matter. I tried to give some suggestions but it sounds like there are more problems than just the porn.

[tassy]

Thank you all so very much, and to those who read between my lines a super warm heart felt hug to you. I have reposted this and added some more info thanks again <3

[tassy]

I thought i already posted this in love advice but it does not seem to be there. Maybe because i copied and pasted it and only added a few extra lines admin thought i was reposting the same thing again as i had already posted this twice because i didnt know i had to wait a period of time b4 it was actually posted. I will try again and i apologise for the misunderstanding.

[tassy]

Mylove - you did not offend me thank you so much for your giving me your words and kindness. I am not interested in watching it with him NOT at all. His ex would allow him to watch it while she was performing oral sex on him, that made me feel ill. I have watched some porn myself to get some tips and believe me he enjoys what we do and i do. He actually says things like im his very own porn queen. But im not enough, i know i know many on here dont see it that way but frankly i do. each to their own. I think it is all about consideration, compromise and respect, i have bent over backwards trying to do my share yet he doesnt have to do anything?
Basilandthyme - thank you for reading between my lines. My child at home is 20 and driving me mad!!! The inconsideration and disrespect is unbelievable and its a struggle i have never felt so alone in my home, the two men in my life and home treat me dreadfully at times and then when they realise they are at fault i am the one who is carrying on because i am not over it (whatever it is) by the time they think i should be. Yet they talk with each other (telling the other their version of the events) and i am left alone to "get over it" there are sorry's sure but they are wearing thin. It doesnt matter what the issue at hand is, his kids, my kids, our cars, money, dope, his ex, plans, whatever, we will talk and agree on something then in a flip things change and i am left feeling like a fool and asking why do we even talk about anything at all? And sure as anything we are right back to "i will try but i cant do anything about the past" GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

[tassy]

I can not seem to repost this or just post something retyped into love advice, i can post on other threads but when i try to post a new thread it does not seem to be coming up, i tried last night and then again this morning yet still none of my new post are coming up. I dont know what i am doing wrong.

[bearz]

Just reply here, don't worry about starting a new thread.

[tassy]

I can not reply right now as i have to get ready for work but i will later i have waited all morning for my thread to appear in love advice it just didnt. I will reply here when i get home around 6ish this evening. thanks again everyone for your kind words.

[tassy]

managed to post in love advice thanks all again so very much.