Why not be smart?

[xotrue]

After a big fight and making up, my boyfriend tells me, "I'm an idiot when it comes to you." Why be an idiot? Why not be smart when it comes to me?

[bearz]

Idiot because he had a fight with you, or idiot because he made up with you?

[xotrue]

I think a combination of both - at least that is what I gathered from the conversation. We fight a lot, because we're so much alike. When things are good - they are really, really good. But, when things are bad - they are really, really bad. We're working on better communication and me being more open.

[HeartIsAching]

We fight a lot, because we're so much alike.

That's not why you fight. You fight because you don't know how to communicate. Try starting with "I Statements."

http://www.humanpotentialcenter.org/Articles/IStatements.html

[xotrue]

I'd agree that it's because we lack good communication skills, but we definitely fight a lot because we are so much alike. We both wan't to be in control and right - always.

[basilandthyme]

I'd agree that it's because we lack good communication skills, but we definitely fight a lot because we are so much alike. We both wan't to be in control and right - always.

now THAT'S something to change. A very unpleasant character trait! As well as working on communication skills, both of you should also work on learning to trust someone else to make a decision. And learning to concede when you're wrong. Relationships need balance and both of you need to have equal amount of input.

[HeartIsAching]

I'd agree that it's because we lack good communication skills, but we definitely fight a lot because we are so much alike. We both wan't to be in control and right - always.

That's not because you're alike. That's because you're both controlling. Pretty much guaranteed to fail.

[xotrue]

That's not because you're alike. That's because you're both controlling. Pretty much guaranteed to fail.

We won't fail - we've come too far. We're both willing to work harder at being better partners for each other.

[xotrue]

I agree. I trust him, but I have a very hard time with showing him that I trust him - if that makes any sense?

[michelle23]

Sounds like you are in the power struggle stage-it will fail if you don't stop fighting.

[smackie9]

After a big fight and making up, my boyfriend tells me, "I'm an idiot when it comes to you." Why be an idiot? Why not be smart when it comes to me?

This is his way of saying, he doesn't understand you, doesn't know what the hell you want from him, and doesn't know what to say as to avoid these silly misunderstandings you both seem to have. In a nutshell you both have communication issues.

[smackie9]

Tip: guys are not mindreaders, if you want to say something just get to the point. Don't get mad and think that he should know why you are upset....that's just being stupid right there.

[michelle23]

Yes and stop fighting over nothing. Its stupid and pointless. Ignore the little irritating things, dont read into everything he says, count to ten before barking at him, dont point out his flaws or criticize, dont nag.

If your upset or angry talk about it in a calm civil way. Learn to say I instead of you eg. "i feel like your not giving me enough affection" intead of "you never give me enough affection"

try to respect his feelings, dont be garsh, be affectionate, loving, fun, plenty of sex and an emotional connection. Thats a healthy relationship as well as trust of course.

[Kromat83]

After a big fight and making up, my boyfriend tells me,
"I'm an idiot when it comes to you." Why be an idiot? Why not be smart when it comes to me?

smackie9 got it right with us guys not being mindreaders.
He's saying he is an idiot, because he doesn't know what you want from him,
instead of making him guess, just be honest, and work out the problems.

You do not need to raise your voice, just explain what
needs to be fixed in a proper conversation.

Tell him what he is doing right, and what needs to
improve, so he knows what to focus on.

It is better for him to hear the truth, then learn try to figure out
what your upset about and you blaming him for everything.

[xotrue]

Yes and stop fighting over nothing. Its stupid and pointless. Ignore the little irritating things, dont read into everything he says, count to ten before barking at him, dont point out his flaws or criticize, dont nag.

If your upset or angry talk about it in a calm civil way. Learn to say I instead of you eg. "i feel like your not giving me enough affection" intead of "you never give me enough affection"

try to respect his feelings, dont be garsh, be affectionate, loving, fun, plenty of sex and an emotional connection. Thats a healthy relationship as well as trust of course.

I try very hard. I really do. This all started from a comment that I made. He has been very depressed, because his mother died. I noticed that he was gaining weight and I told him - I think maybe the way I said it offended him. Although, I did not mean it as a 'put down' - they way I said it may have sounded like one now that I think about it. Since then, he has lost the weight and looks great, but I notice he tries to put me down every chance he gets.