Am I wrong for being so happy?

[irresistible46]

Ok here it is...... (clearing throat, lol) been having a great relationship with an older man in his 50's who happens to be married. WAIT now.. before you start giving me the ole cliche. His wife has been severely disabled with multiple sclorosis (sorry for spelling unsure) for about 20 years and is no longer in the home and resides in a rehab facility. She may never come home due to her constant nursing care that is needed. Their relationship has become caregiver and patient. No sex or conversation barely because of her cognitive and degenerative issues. He goes to see her everyday and still treats her very kind as a spouse should. So she has no idea of what is going on. We have been seeing each other for almost 4 mos.. Believe it or not he is a wonderful generous, kind loving man whom I share everything with. We have expressed our feelings for each other and I see him everyday nites and weekends. However at some point I know I will want more. He says that he has thought about filing for a divorce but he pays takes financial care of her because she has small income and poor medical benefits and leaving her could be a disaster. He is looking into some type of medical for her under the Obama Plan. I feel really sorry for her but my life with him has been so great and fulfilling and I am good to him as well. His kids are grown and out of the house but at some point people will find out about our relationship because we are often out in public doing things such as concerts, dinner and soon out of town traveling for business. He is a very prominent manager at his job and they help and support him a lot with his sick wife. It would not be a good thing if they new either as well as his family and children. We both come from very traditional families where marriage is held in high esteem and it's vows. Regardless of sickness or health. Not asking for your opinion on what I am doing but simply if you were in "my shoes" (And it's not impossible) what would you do?

[AdminOnline]

Hi irresistible46 and welcome to Love Forum - Online Relationship Discussion! Hope you enjoy your stay here.

[Wakeup]

. We both come from very traditional families where marriage is held in high esteem and it's vows.

If you truly believe that then you don't need any advice about "soon wanting more". Wait and be happy with what you have with him while he takes care of his WIFE in sickness and in health... Until DEATH they do part.. Simple.

As for what I'd do... I'd do exactly that. If I was his wife, I'd have a conversation about it as well while I was still able and ask him to do what he's doing while staying true to his vows and making sure I'm looked after...as I would look after him if the roles were reversed. Up to the third party coming in to be magnanimous and with patience. IMNSHO.

[michelle23]

He should tell his kids the truth before they hear it off someone else. I think it would be wrong for him to divorce his sick wife..

[smackie9]

If it was me I wouldn't sleep with him, but just be a companion, date casually. I would not invest my feelings or commit to anything until his wife is no longer in the picture. The kids don't need to know, they are adults and whatever is going on with his marriage is none of their business. If they do find out, it is up to him to deal with it then.

IMO no matter how great a guy is, this is a situation I wouldn't have gotten involved in, because as time goes on and she is still alive, things are going to get complicated about commitment, etc. All this wonderful feeling and relationship you have now, isn't going to last, and you will be falling flat on your face.

[michelle23]

Yes they are adults but they could still turn on him and hate him. Ive seen it happen before

[Wakeup]

True but even if he tells them they could still turn on him and hate him. I'm sure if one of his adult children was having an affair they wouldn't tell their dad about it.

Op: You ask: Am I wrong for being happy? No but I think you'd be wrong to force his hand regarding divorce. You knew the score going in so your thoughts of "eventually wanting more." is selfish.

[irresistible46]

Just asking what makes you say "you will be falling flat on your face." I am staying emotionally guarded not living in a fantasy land. I know things can go wrong at any minute. Just could you explain in detail or specifically how that could happen. Thanks.

[irresistible46]

"I can only normally fall flat on my face only if I didn't have a clear sense of equilibrium"

]Just asking what makes you say "you will be falling flat on your face." I am staying emotionally guarded not living in a fantasy land. I know things can go wrong at any minute. Just could you explain in detail or specifically how that could happen. Thanks.[/QUOTE]

[irresistible46]

I agree with you completely it is wrong for him to divorce his sick wife. Now that I have read additional comments, there is absolute no need nor is it his grown children's business who he is seeing. They are on their own and self-sufficient to a certain extent. He is a great father but owes them nothing else. And yes the more we go out in public someone is bound to see us and tell one of his children maybe or even her. He claims he has always lived an introverted life style and does not know many people these days. His kids grew up here born and raised and his son still lives here. As for falling flat on face it's possible he may fall on his as well. Great chance I may get tired of him and the relationship as well. What could he possibly walk away from and tire of?

[irresistible46]

Perhaps taking care of two women could be burdensome.

[basilandthyme]

I see nothing wrong with continuing to see him - just don't expect more than what he can reasonably give. And divorce is too much to want.

[smackie9]

I agree with you completely it is wrong for him to divorce his sick wife. Now that I have read additional comments, there is absolute no need nor is it his grown children's business who he is seeing. They are on their own and self-sufficient to a certain extent. He is a great father but owes them nothing else. And yes the more we go out in public someone is bound to see us and tell one of his children maybe or even her. He claims he has always lived an introverted life style and does not know many people these days. His kids grew up here born and raised and his son still lives here. As for falling flat on face it's possible he may fall on his as well. Great chance I may get tired of him and the relationship as well. What could he possibly walk away from and tire of?

People who are going through loneliness, times of stress, neglect, etc often get very absorbed or infatuated because their feelings are woken up by someone new. They feel what they have been missing and it can be so intoxicating and addictive. It can go in one of two ways, it wears off just as quickly as it started, or it blooms into something bigger. Falling on your face meaning you are not getting the commitment you want, and everything is at a standstill. This is where you are at now. You are in love with this fella, you know his situation and you are wondering how much longer or if this will ever go anywhere. Should you stay and invest more of yourself and let fate decide? or should you get out now before you fall any harder and save yourself from heartbreak?

That my dear is all up to you. You are just going to have to weigh things out like your expectations, and a deadline. I totally understand that you shouldn't be expected to wait for years to have a final commitment, and this is looking so temporary atm.

[smackie9]

Yes they are adults but they could still turn on him and hate him. Ive seen it happen before

As for his son, and others, I doubt very highly they will approach the wife, knowing her condition, they wouldn't want to put anymore stresses on an ailing women. If anything his son would approach him. This isn't your typical affair, he is still being attentive and caring to his wife's needs, but that doesn't mean he needs to be dying along with her. Unless you have been in his shoes( watching someone you love so much slowly die), you can't judge him. If he needs some companionship to keep himself sane that is his choice.

[irresistible46]

As for his son, and others, I doubt very highly they will approach the wife, knowing her condition, they wouldn't want to put anymore stresses on an ailing women. If anything his son would approach him. This isn't your typical affair, he is still being attentive and caring to his wife's needs, but that doesn't mean he needs to be dying along with her. Unless you have been in his shoes( watching someone you love so much slowly die), you can't judge him. If he needs some companionship to keep himself sane that is his choice.

That's true. NOt really focusing on whether he was right or wrong we are both in equally. I was just saying for myself. I was not really judging him in my comments I don't think. He is a great guy and we really love each other. Just don't know how far that love can take us. He stated the other day that he felt trapped and I felt so bad for him really. I don't what to tell someone walking in those shoes or not. Also, I had no knowledge of multiple scelrosis was fatal. It can be but a very low rate of it based on my research.