Boyfriend was going to propose and told me he wasn't going to anymore

[kotono]

Three months ago my boyfriend and I had a huge argument. We live together in a house, and his friend moved in with us. I get along great with his friend, but there are times where it really strains our relationship. His friend cannot survive on his own. He's 30 and has been living with us for a year in order to save up to live on his own but still has no money saved. He pays $200 a month and tells us he has gone negative in his account regularly. I just change the subject when he does this since I really don't want to hear it. His friend dated my best friend back in high school and she was stuck with him for 2 years out of pity. That was 8 years ago and his still single since he's hung up on my best friend still, despite his denial. His ideal girl is a lean and super hot but its impossible for him. He only has 4 sets of outfits he only cleans every 2 weeks and showers only once a week. The kitchen downstairs is hardly clean cause he doesn't believe in washing anything. Most of his things get ruined and he rather buy himself new things. He's also 300 pounds and barely grooms himself. I'm not saying looks matter but he doesn't want to do anything to better himself. He had a great job but bragged often how he slept on the job, and was pissed off that he was fired, and has been working at Walmart for the past couple of years. His work attitude is pretty sad since I used to work in the same department as him while I went back to school. He has knocked a bunch of clothes racks and left everything on the floor for it being in his way, and that was his reason for doing it. Then he complains he is never getting anywhere in life. I'm one of the few people that don't really listen to him when he is like this.

In the past he has asked me out and I declined. A few days before I had confessed my feelings for my boyfriend and we hadn't really told anyone yet. He wasn't happy that I declined since I told him that I couldn't return his feelings while I cared for someone else, and said that my boyfriend wasn't right for me. That he could make me happy if I gave him the chance and so forth, and when I declined again he talked about how depressed he gets that he wants to commit suicide. I still declined, but politely. He says the reason his life is the way it is because he has no hot girlfriend to motivate him, and until then he will continue to be this way. He had the hot girlfriend in high school, my best friend and he ignored her! So I honestly feel he is full of excuses.

So when he moved in with us in order to save up to move out, I knew deep down inside he wouldn't. The house was for us to start our lives together, not our lives with his friend. I don't think its appropriate to have someone living with us if we plan to have a future together. It's also troublesome to him staying there since I cannot get too much privacy with my boyfriend sometimes. We'll be watching a movie, or having dinner, or playing video games together and his friend will be talking to us. The conversations are great but sometimes it's too much. I wanna watch a movie or play a game without a peanut gallery.

Some of my plans do get blown off by my boyfriend in order to spend time with his friend. A week in advance I had asked my boyfriend to help me move around furniture so we could set up the Christmas tree since we decorate it together. He had no problem with this but I also found out he had made plans to play a tabletop game with his friend. So when it was time to do so he was in a hurry to move things around. He kept rushing me while I was trying to figure out the furniture since I had realized there was a heating vent I didn't want to block but I got mad when he was rushing me. Eventually my boyfriend left the house with his friend to go to the game store after telling me to "move the &$#% furniture yourself." I did, and in tears, and ended up hurting my back. I felt it was unfair to be treated this way. I hardly spoke to him since I don't like to argue with his friend around. The walls in the house are super thin. So I sent him a text message that I later regretted. I told him I couldn't marry him in the future if this was how things were going to be. We had been talking about getting married for months, the conversation brought up by both parties mind you, but I don't want to be married with a friend living with us. His friend is pretty comfortable here, and I don't want my boyfriend to be comfortable with this lifestyle too.

But I definitely regret the text message. He blew up at me, and gave me the tickets to a concert he bought me for my birthday for me to go myself. I told him I didn't want to go alone, and wanted to work things out but he said he didn't have any reason to go since he already had his answer from me. He was going to ask me to marry him but he already knew then I was going to say no. At first I didn't believe he was going to propose, that he was just saying that, but he brought up that I have been recently been missing my other ring he has given me, and he handed it to me saying he was getting it sized. I realized he was telling the truth and I was crushed.

We talked it out, us both rejecting each other like that. We were both sorry it happened. A friend gave me advice to just not talk about marriage for a few weeks, just concentrate on us instead of marriage. Things were good and we went to the concert. There was no proposal and I was okay with that. I would like to be surprised and I still had a lot of fun. He also talked to his friend about moving out eventually since he wanted to take the next step with me, and didn't feel appropriate about having someone live here while trying to start a family. The deadline to move out was supposed to be 6 months, but he didn't tell his friend that yet. He said he would let him know. His friend who has broken a lot of rules in the house got pretty mad at me when I stood up to him to enforce 1 rule that I wouldn't let him slip up on. He was to let us know if he was having guests over. Not asking for permission, just to give us a heads up. He broke the rule a few times when he had a girl over a few times to sleep with (after 8 years of abstinence, she also pitied him too). This was also a girl that I have never kept secret about disliking so when she was suddenly in my house I was a little annoyed. Especially on Christmas with her "pregnancy scare" she made up for attention. She was also sleeping with 2 other guys and would brag about it while saying my boyfriend's friend was bad in bed. I was pissed when I heard that since it was fair for her to be saying that. He may get on my nerves a lot, but he's my friend as well as my boyfriend's friend and I don't like it when people say stuff to hurt my friends. My boyfriend's friend then followed the rule about people coming over and has respected that.

But my issue is this. The proposal incident was 3 months ago. I wasn't expecting him to propose on Christmas or New Year's, but there has been another concert, dinner dates, Valentine's Day and our Anniversary. I didn't let it bother me that he didn't ask until our Anniversary over the weekend. He only had plans for dinner. It was a great dinner, but it really sunk in that he didn't ask me until we got home. I cried to myself in private for awhile. It's just too painful to think about. I don't wanna bring this up in order to pressure my boyfriend, but what am I supposed to do? My feelings are being toyed with!!!

[basilandthyme]

Kotono, I know you regret sending that text, but deciding to not get married in this current living environment was actually very smart. You'd be crazy to accept a proposal of marriage prior the freeloading friend moving out.

I'll lay my bottom dollar that the friend won't be gone in 6 months. And I predict that this will be an ongoing issue for you.

Sorry I can't be more positive, but the lack of a marriage proposal is the least of your problems here.

[kotono]

Kotono, I know you regret sending that text, but deciding to not get married in this current living environment was actually very smart. You'd be crazy to accept a proposal of marriage prior the freeloading friend moving out.

I'll lay my bottom dollar that the friend won't be gone in 6 months. And I predict that this will be an ongoing issue for you.

Sorry I can't be more positive, but the lack of a marriage proposal is the least of your problems here.

That's what I mean, that the lack of commitment is because his freeloader friend lives in the house with us. He did say he would talk to him moving out, but when he did, he left out the time limit of it being 6 months.

[michelle23]

Dont agree to marry him until the freeloader moves out. You could threaten to go if he wont. A year is ridiculous.

[basilandthyme]

Dont agree to marry him until the freeloader moves out. You could threaten to go if he wont. A year is ridiculous.

What are the odds that if she threatens to go, he'll agree to throw the mate out ....and then do nothing about it? Pretty high, I reckon.

If you get desperate enough to think about leaving, I think you'll have to go as far as moving out. And be prepared for the possibility that he may choose to let you go rather than throw his mate out. But if this is the outcome, then you're far better off without him.

[basilandthyme]

That's what I mean, that the lack of commitment is because his freeloader friend lives in the house with us. He did say he would talk to him moving out, but when he did, he left out the time limit of it being 6 months.

To be accurate, the lack of a proposal is not because the friend lives in the house. The lack of proposal is because YOU DON'T LIKE the friend living in the house.

[kotono]

Well if I like the friend living there, then he'll think its okay for him to always stay in the house.

[kotono]

The only place I could stay is here and there for the moment. I'm going to school full time and only work 1 - 2 days a week for $9 an hour. I've been applying for internships, but those are temp jobs.

Threatening to leave hasn't worked in the past, cause I have. My boyfriend said he would never throw me out, he would want things to work. If I keep rejecting him, things aren't going to work out.

[basilandthyme]

Kotono, you say that your boyfriend would want things to work. But it's clear that he only wants it work in favour of what he wants. Let's face it, he's ignored your concerns and doesn't really give a toss what you want.

If you stay with him, nothing will change. And PLEASE forget about that proposal for now. You should not be considering marriage to someone who doesn't care about your needs.