Once A Cheater Always A Cheater? -- Need Advice

[bearz]

I'm the one doing the travelling so in my case it's a bit different. You can just say "don't come here" and make it his problem.

Sounds to me like he really isn't seeing your current relationship as exclusive, meaning he wants to still have fun while he's waiting to meet you. Which again is a reason why waiting so long to meet each other in person was and is a bad idea. Obviously, you cannot change that now so it's pretty much a moot point. The whole breakup story and Facebook stuff seems weird to me to be honest. I don't see this working out in the long term for the two of you. That huge distance and the fact you cannot trust him right now are two major deal breakers.

[shainesy]

Well, according to him she is just an acquaintance, I`m not sure whether he has feelings for her but he said he doesn`t love her. She is someone to fill the gap, and he said it was a mistake that he thought he could have the cake and eat it until we meet and start an official relationship. He said he ended it with her because he couldn`t stand the guilt, he felt bad when he chat with me everyday telling me that he loves me, and we will start officially soon so he chose to end it with her. Again I can`t tell how true it is, be it long distance or normal relationship. A man in a normal relationship or marriage can tell the same thing as well. There are cheaters everywhere, regardless long or close distance.

[shainesy]

He told me he will still come even if I choose to leave him. He said worst case scenario he will treat it as a vacation or something. Would you like to share with me which part of the break up and Facebook stuffs is weird? Perhaps you see things which I didn`t see

[bearz]

Maybe "weird" was the wrong choice of words here. I'm just not a fan of Facebook and having to hear about that chick creating a shared account and you getting screenshots as proof of something just seems a bit strange to me.

He did something stupid and apologized for it. But what prevents him from doing it again? Let's assume he visits you, you get along well, but then you can't see other again for many months. You both have needs and if that girl or someone else throw themselves at him, what are the chances of him saying no? I would be very careful.

[shainesy]

In fact after this incident I`ve been telling him many times that I`m leaving. Last week I ignored him for 4 days then told him I`m ending this relationship for good. He was mad at me saying that I ignored him then dumped him. So I talked to him again and these 2 days seems like he is pulling away. He was reluctant to talk to me cause he doesn`t like to be interrogated, cause I`ve been asking him lots and lots of questions about his affair with that girl. I`ve been in some kind of paranoid mode after this incident and I think he`s fed up with all my questions and accusations. He was very patience last week dealing with my craziness and never ending questions but this week he has changed

[shainesy]

Well there is no other way to prove besides getting the screen shots from him. I`m not sure if you`re an iPhone user, it has this feature so that`s the best way I could think of. And he told me that the shared profile was created by that girl and he only knew about that after it was created. Something I don`t understand is why in the first place he didn`t ask the girl to remove that profile if she is just an so called "acquaintance". When I questioned him about this, I was amazed by the way he answered my question... "I even had no idea why did I do such horrible things in the first place and you are asking me why I let her creating that profile? This whole thing just doesn`t make any sense and the Facebook thing is just a small part of it."
Well what else can I say with this kind of reply

[rob1984]

loook, just go with it, you were unaware if he does or not.. if you find out he is married.. keep all your texts and so on, and go to his wife and show her what he is doing.. you will do her a favour and if he is not married then you may have a good guy on your hands.. you will never know unless you go for it.

[Rowen]

...So now my problem is I`m not sure whether I should still meet him and get to know him better. If what he did wasn`t cheating like what Michelle said, should I give him a chance to meet up with me?

Before you meet up with him, let me ask you two things...

1. If he's cheating on you now, what makes you think that he'll stop just because the relationship is official?

2. Why would he sleep with someone else if he loves you?

If you can answer those two questions to your own satisfaction and still want to meet him...then I wish you good luck...

[shainesy]

Hi Rowen,

Your first question still goes back to the title of my thread, do you believe that once a cheater always a cheater?

As for the second one, I have the same thinking as yours. However, some people think that you can love someone but still cheat. Cheating is a selfish act, which means he loves himself more than he loves me. My friend said that is understandable, I can`t expect him to love me more than he loves himself since we have not even met each other. No matter how much he loves me, it still can`t change the fact that I`m a computer screen for the past 7 months. Things might be different if we have spent some time together, getting to know each other more at a different level, have plans about how we can to work things out and live together in the future. Somehow I think what she said does make some sense as well so I`m really confused now

[michelle23]

Stop making excuses for him. You either think you can trust him or you dont. Which one is it? If you do-go for it. If you dont-dont. Its simple. I really dont know why people waste so much time...

If I ever enter the dating world again-I will treat it like an interview. I wouldn't have time for losers, cheats etc.

man: would you like to go for coffee?
woman? Okay
man: makes a little small talk
woman: is friendly but bored
man: tell me about yourself
woman: no you tell me about yourself.
man: blah blah blah
woman: the thing I really want to know is are you honest? have you ever cheated on someone? what is your opinion on cheating? do you think its okay under any circumstances? etc etc

then based on his answer: okay ill see you again or no your a loser-goodbye

lol that is exaggerated and over the top obviously but you should discuss these things early before you start thinking weddings and babies.

[Rowen]

Hi Rowen,

Your first question still goes back to the title of my thread, do you believe that once a cheater always a cheater?

As for the second one, I have the same thinking as yours. However, some people think that you can love someone but still cheat. Cheating is a selfish act, which means he loves himself more than he loves me. My friend said that is understandable, I can`t expect him to love me more than he loves himself since we have not even met each other. No matter how much he loves me, it still can`t change the fact that I`m a computer screen for the past 7 months. Things might be different if we have spent some time together, getting to know each other more at a different level, have plans about how we can to work things out and live together in the future. Somehow I think what she said does make some sense as well so I`m really confused now

In my personal experience? Once a cheater, always a cheater is 99% accurate. The one percent is one man I know who realized how horrid his ways were and grew from it. But it took him years. The others? All guys who cheated on me time and time again.

Stop making excuses for him. If you feel cheating is a selfish act, you need to DUMP him NOW. Otherwise, if you keep it in your mind to always wish upon that lucky star, you're going to be going through a lot more things worse than what you're going through now. He doesn't respect you. Show some respect for yourself by standing up for yourself and going after what you want most in life....a committed love held sacred between two hearts, never to yield or lessen.

Not to sound like a prick, but your posts remind me a lot of how I was when I dated my ex-boyfriend. So, I'd say do what's best for you, but I have a gut feeling you're going to stick around with him. If that's the case, I can only suggest ways to help with the post-breakup period...

1. Get lots and lots of chocolate. It's a natural antidepressant.
2. Ignore him and do not seek him out on social networking sites.
3. Do not read over past texts/emails/etc.
4. Talk to other guys and make tons of new friends.
5. Dress in your best and take an awesome photograph of yourself or go out and get a teensy bit daring outfit- something that makes you feel attractive on your worst day.

When I was in your shoes, all of those helped me to move on. I'm thankful for the close guy friends (We were only platonic) I made during that period, as no matter how many times I was going through hell, they were there to help cheer me up. And I still have the outfit I bought- red button down and cream dress pants. In the end, all of that helped me, amongst a few other things. I know all of this may sound a bit shallow, but it helps. And when Mr. Right does come along, he won't know what hit 'em when he sees you dressed that way.

No matter what, I still believe you deserve better. So, what you decide to do is ultimately your decision. I hope this helps, though.

[shainesy]

Wow Michelle and Rowen, I really appreciate all your advice, you girls rock! :o)

Sometimes I really wish things could be that straight forward like the dialogue in Michelle`s reply. I was ready to dump him for a couple of times but every time something always popped up and I wasn`t strong enough to stick to my decision. I just spoken to him last night and I thought it would be our last conversation. He told me that he will install an app in his phone to let me track his location at all time, he said that he is willing to do anything as long as I can forgive him and take him back. I believe you guys understand that it`s not easy for me to do that especially when he sounded really sincere about working things out.

[michelle23]

I agree with Rowen. Once a cheat always a cheat.

The thing is shainesy. Just say you meet up next month right and you make it official-hes gonna have to go home again and will you trust him while you are not together? Long distance rarely works and it is very hard to be in a relationship when most of the contact is done online or over the phone. That is why it is much better to be with someone local that you can spend lots of time with and really get to know properlu.

It is your decision. If you really want to give him a chance do but you really do need to trust for a relationship to work

[Rowen]

Wow Michelle and Rowen, I really appreciate all your advice, you girls rock! :o)

Haha No problem- glad this forum is helping you, honestly. I'm a gay guy, though. hahahaha

He told me that he will install an app in his phone to let me track his location at all time, he said that he is willing to do anything as long as I can forgive him and take him back. I believe you guys understand that it`s not easy for me to do that especially when he sounded really sincere about working things out.

I can understand why this sounds hard not to believe. If I were in your shoes, I'd certainly be very tempted to believe it. But you need to remember; what is an app like that going to do? It's going to give you his location. Okay, great. But it's not going to tell you who he's with, is it? He could have women coming over to his home or just having casual sex in public bathrooms (I know a few people who are into that...which makes me cringe when I think about it.). Bottom line: No matter what he does, you're always going to have this distrust between you two. It won't help your relationship, and you'll have absolutely no idea if he's having sex or not.

So, stay strong! Keep reassuring yourself you're better off without him. When you have strength in yourself, you have strength to press on and find someone who will treat you well. I wish you the best of luck; you're in for a rocky road, but it's going to be worth it. And YOU WILL make it. You can do it without him.
But if you should give him another chance, prepare yourself for the possibility of getting hurt...

[AdminOnline]

Hello,

the hard truth.. you know the famous phrase : a leopard never changes spots .
. it means devious people never change

don't place too much high hope.. but one thing is for sure is girls love bad boys.. only the sensible know how to exit the relationship early to avoid the pain later on..