My boyfriend's female friend texting him constantly...

[ponygirl]

Hi there, I'm new here. I'm just looking for a forum to discuss a little bit of a predicament I have in my relationship. Sorry it's a bit long, need to kind of explain the background.

I've been a little bummed out recently in my relationship. Just to preface my little predicament, I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now and it's my first actual long term relationship. The relationship is almost perfect, we laugh together, he compliments me all the time, cooks for me, and he's always there for me no matter what. I also feel our relationship just keeps on growing stronger and stronger. That being said, there's still something I feel can potentially turn into a big problem later on if I keep letting this go. My boyfriend is a very social person and has a lot of friends. Most of his friends (I'd have to say about 90-95%) are guys. Most of them have girlfriends as well and I get along great with all of them. I am a bit on the opposite end of the spectrum. I'm much more introverted. I have many friends (mostly female, all of my guy friends he has met already) but we don't get together as often as they all have separate lives due to kids, marriage, etc. On occasion, my dear boyfriend will invite me out with him and his friends but most of the time I give him his space with them. He should hang out with them without me clinging to him 24/7 or every time he wants to do something without me.

So my problem is that he has this female friend, I'll name her "Ashley" for my own privacy reasons. I've met Ashley on two different occasions. The first time was when me and my bf just started dating and we had bumped into her and her friend while on an errand. I was introduced to the girls, they gave me a congenial smile and a hello and they quickly went into discussing a party they had been at with my boyfriend a few nights prior. I basically stood there feeling like a ghost. Since I am more on the shyer side, it was difficult for me to participate in the conversation thus leaving me feeling very awkward. Fast forward 6 or 7 months later, I'm out with my bf and his friends and as we show up to the bar, Ashley comes out, drunk, rambling and extremely happy to see my boyfriend. She also *seemed* very excited to see me and wouldn't stop saying that "when he's happy it makes her happy" (she repeated it a few times)...he kind of stood there, wasn't acting like his old friendly self. He was stand offish towards her...but she was too drunk to notice. We ended up leaving and not really talking to her again the rest of the night.

Recently, I made a typical girlfriend move while I was using the browser on his phone....I snooped through his text messages a little. I came across Ashley's texts and even though there was nothing screaming at me, her messages to him made me feel very suspicious of her motives. I trust my boyfriend completely. Ashley sends him text after text after text and he doesn't reply. She calls and he doesn't answer...actually he even mentions it to me when she does call. I'll ask him why she would call him at a late hour or on a random weeknight and he'll act non-nonchalant and say something like "she just wants to go out" or "she just wants to hang out". The texts I saw her write to him were along the lines of: "what are you doing tonight?? Drinking with me is what you should be doing!"...she's giving him nicknames like "Jimmy-poo" and saying I love you and stuff like that. Whether he calls her up afterwards, that's what I'm not sure about. While he was out with his friends a couple weekends ago, she had been texting him while she was out, trying to get him to go meet up with her. I have no idea what for, could be innocent for all I know but I'm suspicious about her motives. In the same string of texts, she told him that she was done trying to maintain their friendship and topped that off the next morning with a "sorry for being mean" message and telling him that she was annoyed that he kept flaking out on her.

I mentioned to my boyfriend the other day (when she had been trying to call him and he had been ignoring her) that I didn't like her. He kind of brushed it off. I don't want this to cause friction between me and my boyfriend though....I don't know how to go about this. Should I say something? I feel that there's not a good way to go about it...I can't tell him "that time I was using the internet on your phone, I looked at all of Ashley's texts". That seems a bit too brutal. Since I don't know exactly what her motives are, I kind of want to let this roll out to see how far she goes because she may give up eventually.

So next time my boyfriend wants to hang out with his friends, should I tell him that I don't feel comfortable with him at the moment because of this girl? Could this potentially stir up frustrations on his end? I'm completely fine with him having female friends...he's got a few and there's at least one, whom he has referred to as one of his best friends and she was extremely nice. When I met her, she had told me that she heard a lot about me... she basically didn't exclude me from the conversation. This Ashley girl is bad news to me. I really don't like her, I don't like the way she acts, like getting drunk on any day of the week, and I don't like the messages she's sending my boyfriend, regardless of the fact that he's being a good boyfriend. All in all, I want him to cut her out or put her in her place and tell her that she needs to stop. If I could tell her, I would do that right now, but I don't know her at all. I feel that she needs to know that he's not available and my boyfriend needs to know that I feel somewhat disrespected by her advances on him.

Any advice on how I can go about this? I hope someone can give me some perspective!

[FlaCooln]

Seems to me Ashley wants what/who you have. I think constantly texting someone who is in a relationship shows that Ashley is interested in him. I would tell your BF how you feel and discuss Ashley with him.

However, going through a SO's phone is a breach of trust...tread lightly. Some guys may get real mad at that. For me I don't really care, just ask me for my phone and you can look through all you want. The problem is sneeking and doing it.

[michelle23]

If I was you I would approach this girl and ask her has anything ever happened with her and your bf? Why is she always texting him and whats her deal?
I would then ask him the same questions and ask him to look me in the eye and say-"nothing has ever happened with her and never will". If he cant do that-Id dump him.

He should tell her directly to stop texting him etc and block her from his phone.

It doesn't sound like he is up to anything but you need to be sure.

This happened to me years ago-a girl chased my ex for 6months and I thought nothing of it. I was young and stupid and didn't feel threatened by her at all. Turns out he was texting her for a few months arranging to meet up behind my back and he cheated on me. So always follow your instincts and be alert to threats.

It sounds like she defo has a hidden agenda and it is probably because she doesn't like you or is jealous. Confront her and sort it out now.

[alwaystrying]

This has happened to me. I had a girl that always texted and called me and my girlriend at the time did not like it. I was too dumb to realize it and kept telling the girlfriend to calm down and that it was nothing...this would later stem into fights. That girl obviously likes your boyfriend and cant leave him alone. you need to be proactive now and some how talk to your boyfriend in a way where he feels for you instead of maybe ignoring or getting mad.

I would suggest talking to your boyfriend in a way where you just lay out your feelings about the situation. Say you are uncomfortable with her. That you trust him but at the same time, it upsets you that she texts him shady things. You gotta come off in a way to your boyfriend that he isn't doing anything "wrong" but that your needing his help because your upset. He will most likely talk to that girl and tell her she can't be saying the things shes saying to him because he has a girlfriend and its inappropriate. Us guys love to make our girlfriends happy, but the second we feel blamed, it can get real ugly and we forget that we like/love our significant other.

going through his phone might piss him off and yes its a slight breach of trust. but listen, your not doing it because your crazy, you looked because you were concerned and you obviously don't want to lose him. There is nothing wrong with that. You gotta do whatever it takes, no matter how crazy it might seem.

[oldskool83]

I think you need to find out if they were more then friends prior, maybe hooked up once and she wants it again. Theres a girl I know who always seems to come running for me texting me saying she wants me when I'm starting to see somone or with someone. I acctuyl dumped a girl for her once and it didnt go anyware. She has done this 2 more times and i just refuse to talk to her much now.

Dont start going thru his phone, but if you have seen her in person I'd tell him you just dont like her and let it at that.

[ashley89]

it seems to me like she is the one doing all the contacting, not him. it's her who is texting, calling, etc. and it doesn't look like he is giving into it if he isn't responding. maybe she is interested in him but it still doesn't make it right, she knows he has a girlfriend and she shouldn't be trying to hang out with him. however, he may be pissed that you went through his text messages. I would talk to him about how this bothers you and tell him how you feel, but be prepared for him to possibly be mad for going through his phone.

[ponygirl]

This is great! Thanks!

So it's not ok for this girl to be texting/calling my boyfriend constantly to go out, right?

I understand the breach of trust, which is why I'm having trouble telling him. He noticed the other day that I've been a little bummed out but I couldn't be direct about it, I danced around the topic and didn't talk about her at all. I was actually using his phone in front of him and "joked" about going through his texts...he didn't seem to care but I didn't tell him what I saw.

About telling Ashley directly, that would be extremely difficult. I don't know anything about her, whether she's single or not, how long they've known each other, and how well they are friends. From what I can judge, she's not that close with him. I have a feeling they may have been flirting with each other before he met me. If they were that close, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have a problem introducing me to her a long time ago. He would have talked about her like he talks about his other friends. The first thing I think he told me about her, was that she says weird things. He didn't elaborate when I asked like what. My boyfriend can be a little secretive at times but for the most part, he tells me what's important. I feel he won't tell me about her or talk to me about this because I think he doesn't want to hurt me in any way...It's like he knows that if he tells me what the deal is with her, it's a threat and that he doesn't want me to feel threatened. We have a good communication and he has a good idea on how I feel about things. So I think he's sweeping this one under the rug!

Next question now though, is it ok to tell him that I basically want him to cut her off? I honestly don't think he would be losing much by cutting her off...it's not like she's the foundation of his friendships with his other friends.

[alwaystrying]

he'll definitely be mad about his phone. apologize and explain to him that you were just afraid and it just boils down to your fear of losing him. I think when he hears that you did it because it was fear of losing him, he might cool down a bit. Just don't blame him for anything..unless there is a reason to blame

[ponygirl]

I forgot to mention it, but he actually replies to her on occasion. For the most part though, she'll send him about 5-6 texts until he replies something really short. For example (I judge it based on the timeline of the texts), when he was out the other night with his friends, she was texting him where she was going out with her friends and telling him to go where they were. One of his texts said "is everyone else going?"...another text from her read something like "I want to seeeeee youuuu!" and he wrote "I want to see you too but we're still at *so and so's* place"...that was the most alarming. She would ask him when he was free and he kept pushing it off.

[michelle23]

one word jumped out at me-hes SECRETIVE- I don't like it when I hear that word. It sends alarm bells ringing..

Why havnt you asked him those questions? How long does he know her, did anything ever happen between them, has he ever had a crush on her, does he fancy her now, is she a possible future conquest IF you and he break up???

Sorry, I dont want to make you paranoid but why wouldn't you ask your bf at least some of those questions when this girl is clearly all over him like a rash???

[bearz]

It is not ok for her to keep texting and calling him when she knows he is in a serious relationship. She definitely wants him, or at least his attention. Your boyfriend seems to be able to keep his cool and not give in and you should be happy about that. However, if this keeps going on he might end up doing something stupid that will hurt you both. Just imagine him and her being really drunk at some party, you not being there, her really throwing herself at your boyfriend... you get the picture. So you should have a talk with him about Ashley, tell him how you feel, that you are worried, and also come clean about going through this phone.

[vashti]

I think you should lightly tease your boyfriend about his stalker-friend, and point out how needy for attention she is. Making this into a serious conversation with your boyfriend will only serve to illustrate your insecurity, which makes YOU look bad (rather than her).

Besides, you can always resort to heavy conversation later.

[ponygirl]

Yes, being secretive is definitely his vice. I have only caught him in secrets when he would talk about something that had happened a while ago and basically fill in the holes. It's never anything major, just something like him hanging out with his friends, the first version of the story is "we just stayed at the guys place and watched the hockey game" but the second version includes going out to a pub...I feel like he omit that part because he knows that I do like going out and if he went out without me, he feels bad for me. He's told me this recently too. So we got that kind of secretive-ness out of the way...now I need to get HER out of the way!

I love the "all over him like a rash"!! I might just use that when I talk to him. Anyways...we're going out on the weekend for my birthday celebrations...I might instigate the situation and tell him that he should invite her! Is that too conniving? I want to be the bigger person too...which is why I haven't said too much yet. The more she calls him though, the angrier I get (not at him though!) and the more I feel afraid that I'll do or say something mean and irrational like that. :$

[oldskool83]

Like i said just tell him you dont like her. You cant say dont talk to her or what not...he could block her. It seems she just wants attention. Just do not say we went thru the phone, you will have a nice fight for sure lol.

[michelle23]

Ask him to invite her and see how he reacts.