10 Year relationship - STILL have major trust issues - almost at breaking point...

[mbrennan]

I’ve been married to my wife about 8 years and been together for 10. We have 2 beautiful children and from the outside looking in a great life.

The problem with our relationship and its gotten much worse is her level of insecurity leads to a major lack of trust in me. I’ve been 100% faithful our entire relationship. She however did stray and had a relationship behind my back a few years ago which led to our separation, almost divorce and eventual reconciliation.

Some examples of her behavior:

If I am late getting home due to an accident or traffic, I have to actually find it on the news for her or she won’t believe me.

She constantly snoops on facebook asking 1,000 questions about this person or that person, so much that I eventually got off of facebook.

When I travel for work, which is very stressful for me I don’t like traveling, I spend most nights trying to convince her I’m not up to no good on the phone. So much that it boils over into a fight and makes the trip that much worse.

If I go out with friends she wants me to call and check in or send photos of where I am.

Now I am not the perfect husband, but I AM FAITHFUL! What kills me is that she was unfaithful at one time and I am the one who gets the blame apparently.

It’s driving me nuts I’m really ready to move on.

We have gone to counseling before, she would get so worked up in and after the session it was way too much to handle.

Anyone else deal with anything like this?

[Cerby]

We have gone to counseling before, she would get so worked up in and after the session it was way too much to handle.

This probably means the session was actually working. It sounds like she is projecting her guilt from the situation on to you, which probably isn't a good thing. I've also noticed a lot through people in my life as well as on this forum that cheaters tend to have less trust in their significant others, because cheating happened (or continues to happen) for them, so why wouldn't you just do it to? I'm no psych so I'm just taking shots in the dark, but I think you two are in desperate need of counselling again, and need to see it through.

You can't continue to defend yourself for actions you aren't commiting, and you can't continue to allow her to beat you down emotionally.

[smackie9]

Yes I agree with Cerby. Cheaters have less trust in their partner because they knew how easy it was to cheat themselves. Some may feel there might be retaiation for their cheating. Also she could be at it again for all you know, and she is projecting her guilt (like Cery mentioned). I agree too that couples counceling is needed, because it sounds like the issue of why she cheated and how it affected you and her was not properly addressed.

[HeartIsAching]

I’ve been married to my wife about 8 years and been together for 10. We have 2 beautiful children and from the outside looking in a great life.

The problem with our relationship and its gotten much worse is her level of insecurity leads to a major lack of trust in me. I’ve been 100% faithful our entire relationship. She however did stray and had a relationship behind my back a few years ago which led to our separation, almost divorce and eventual reconciliation.

This right here is why she doesn't trust you. She doesn't want to believe that you're better than her - and if it's something she would do, it's something you would do. She really still doesn't trust herself.

Some examples of her behavior:

If I am late getting home due to an accident or traffic, I have to actually find it on the news for her or she won’t believe me.

She constantly snoops on facebook asking 1,000 questions about this person or that person, so much that I eventually got off of facebook.

When I travel for work, which is very stressful for me I don’t like traveling, I spend most nights trying to convince her I’m not up to no good on the phone. So much that it boils over into a fight and makes the trip that much worse.

If I go out with friends she wants me to call and check in or send photos of where I am.

Now I am not the perfect husband, but I AM FAITHFUL! What kills me is that she was unfaithful at one time and I am the one who gets the blame apparently.

It’s driving me nuts I’m really ready to move on.

We have gone to counseling before, she would get so worked up in and after the session it was way too much to handle.

Anyone else deal with anything like this?

Some couples counseling to work on communications would be helpful, but I really think that she needs individual counseling.

As Cerby said, if she was getting so worked up it was probably working... however, it sounds to me as if the counselor was moving too fast. If you try a counselor and they're not right for you, there's nothing wrong with trying a different one.

[mbrennan]

Thanks for all the feedback, I had the same sentiments that her lack of trust is really due to her own behavior and she just projects that onto me. Which is completely backwards of course.

I've suggested individual counseling but she gets really offended. I thinks she'd be open to couples counseling again it just seems so daunting to me.

[Boisdevie]

Good luck. But you sound a bit like a doormat to me. She cheated on you. You took her back and now she's giving you hassle for stuff you don't even do. I'd give her an ultimatum - fix this problem or it's over. Unless you like the idea of things continuing like this for another 20 or 30 years.

[michelle23]

I agree with boisdevie. She was the one in the wrong but your being punished. Her behavior is extreme and nobody should have to live like this. You havnt done anything but it sounds like shes terrified you will get revenge.

You can either try to fix this problem through counselling or leave. Either way this cant go on

[smackie9]

What you can start doing is every time she starts acting paranoid or questions you, pull her aside and talk about it, talk about how she is feeling and why she feels this way. I feel if you keep addressing this behavior when it happens, she will start to catch it herself and learn to rethink the situation.