Tired and depressed.. Help! What to do? How to act...

[Anonymouse1]

Guys, girls, experts..

Please bear through my story, I need advise.. Can I do anything more to have her as mine or I need to do something drastic like quitting job?

I feel life just keeps taking a stab at me again and again and again till I am completely dead.

It all started 5 years back, I was 24 then ( quite old as you can imagine) . But I had never been with a girl, never known love. I was myself responsible and I knew. My expectations were little high and I was looking for a 'perfect' girl. I had resolved that once I get one love I was looking for, I will give in everything. Now I am getting punished for that.

But then she stormed my life. We started out as friends and became connected and quite close, pretty soon. There were some initial sparks and she started consuming all my thoughts; and even though I knew she is far from what I held in my mental picture of a perfect one... She still feels *'perfect'.*

Did I tell you she is my colleague at work? (we have even shared the same bay for work for 1 year)*But my tragedy - she never wants me to discuss Love . She just wants to be friends always. Neither she is looking for anyone.

It's been 5 years.. And I have gone through enormous amount of pain to somehow convince her but she won't even consider!!! (writing a song, waiting in cold for hours together to propose her, travelling half the city to surprise and amuse her, among many other gestures over 5 years..)

I went to her literally every valentines day or some other occassion and always got my heart broken again and again. But she never gives a reason, she always said 'whatever will happen will happen and right now i have too many other issues to deal with *and I don't know what I want but I have not stopped you from finding anyone for you, you are great friend'*She did respond once and those were the happiest 2 days of my life... But then she changed her mind and went back to her own self... no real reason or discussion... She said she will tell one day and that day never came...

When you are madly in Love with someone, would you actually take this explanation? Wont you keep trying and beleiving..? *Doesnt all love songs talk about this ...? I believed, I pursued till I started developing very real signs of physical and mental pain but I didn't stop .... I even risked my career to be with her...*

Then one day I just walked off for I couldn't take it anymore.. But you know... she doesn't want to loose me as well.*Heck! She will sometimes go all out of way to show me care. That is what hurts the most...

Where is the boundary for friendship? Where is the realisation of knowing the heart of someone and yet wanting to make things normal? Clearly nothing remained normal... They say that if you love a stone for that long the stone will respond..*

Imagine I still meet this person almost everyday at work. It's been long and I have stopped going out with her on weekends or on other special occasions. Even at work I keep it mostly professional.

So every night I get nightmares about her, so many nights I wake up shivering..so many times I cry alone.. *I have tried To keep myself engaged everywhere but one thought of her breaks me down and then consumes me completely.... Why does it happen when we haven't been in a relationship per say? Why do I still see that irresistible thing in her eyes which makes me want to endure... For something I know is not real...

Such a shame... Coz I can't get over her ... Whenever i try friendship, i keep failing... And she wants to have friendship ... How can I do that?*

Somehow stuck in a situation where I my current work is probably better than moving out to another job, and tragedy again.. She is my partner in same project... If I am too stern and professional I feel guilty becoz she is behaving softly, and if I grow soft I feel hurt..

What do I do? How much composure can a man take.. I am tired.. Tired of love.. Tired of crying and shivering... Tired of being a gentleman and suffering for it.. Just tired..*

[basilandthyme]

Anonymouse, I can completely understand the position you are in. You want to get over her, but you can't because she still keeps pushing for friendship. And friendship only.

There is a way out, but it requires you to put your own needs first. In short, if you want to get over her, you have to accept that you can't be friends. And you have to enforce this whether she likes it or not. You need to insist once and for all that you can't have her as a girlfriend and you need space so that your equibrium can recover. If she cried or begs, just tell her that this is how it will be. Remember: if you were really that important to her, she'd be dating you.

Frankly, I see her as being very selfish. She knows you're love struck but won't have you as a boyfriend. Common sense says that you will need space to get over her, but she's unwilling to do this. In short, she'd rather see you feeling tortured than go without having you as a friend.

Is she a 'friend' on social media? If so, you'll have to unfriend her as part of this.
And yes, changing jobs may be a last resort option for you.
Good luck. And be tough for your own sake. You've already wasted far too long on her.

[basilandthyme]

Oh, and just to add: there is no such thing as the perfect partner. And even this girl isn't perfect. Why? Because she doesn't want what you want.

[michelle23]

I am not sure if you are really madly in love with her or just in love with the idea of her. Look up "infatuation". You are probably just infatuated by her and have put her up on a pedestal and think she is so perfect...

You need to put yourself first and cut all contact with her. Tell her you cant be friends because she doesn't feel the same and it hurts to be her friend. Then take one day at a time until you are over her and concentrate on meeting someone else.

There is no such thing as perfection and if your standards are too high-youll find it very difficult to fall in love.

I no a man who has extremely high standards and he has the worst luck ever with women. All he cares about are looks- as long as she looks good-hell put up with anything (even the most horrible personality) and he has been dumped by every girl hes ever been with because he makes them feel insecure because nobody can live up to his definition of perfection. Im not saying your like him-just giving an example.

[Anonymouse1]

Thanks basilandthyme and michelle23, I know what you guys are saying .. I guess I have no choice but to leave my job and cut contact. Infact I have been doing it over last 8 months or so somehow.. Changed my work floor... Stopped greeting her and after initial retorts and questions she stopped too... But whenever I crossed her path she will try being friendly and she will search in my eyes for a reaction.. I am a very honest man, can't fake emotions.. So I show her my weakness and keep trying to avoid her.. I need to be more callous but unfortunately my new work binds me to work with her... Which puts me in yet another hell... She is always composed and looking foot be friendly and I try to be professional ... It's like a game of cat and mouse...

But can't help it... I can't be the old friend again... I have sacrificed my soul and my tears behind this woman... Can't take it all back... And somehow don't feel like being with someone else... Not sure how to make myself strong for that... I am afraid as well now... Because now I know how mad can I be when I fall for someone... I just try to be alone these days ... And just be quiet.. Sucks as its not my style, but guess that's the only way... Just praying to God to keep her happy with whatever she wants and give me strength so that I can live for few other people who depend on me..

[Anonymouse1]

I have to work with her for a while too so can't go beyond a point to make things awkward.. I guess I need to start learning to act.. One thing I am bad at.. ESP when her eyes glances through mine

Why won't girls respect a guy who can love and sacrifice anything for them, why is that guy stuck as a friend or worse.. Like me?

And later all girls complain that they don't find a guy like that!! Nonsense...

[michelle23]

Im going to be blunt here. You need to stop wearing your heart on your sleave, stop sticking your head in the clouds and dont fall for someone you havnt even kissed. I bet if u went out with her for a week-you wouldnt even like her anymore and your too emotional which will put you in the friend zone every time.

You need to get over her and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You shouldnt waste this much time on someone who doesnt want you and all the hoping and praying and being there for her as a friend-wont change that. You need to accept that there is no chance with her and move on. Even if she changes her mind at some point-you are not going to go there because you have already wasted too much time on her.

Now when your over her and ready to meet someone else, you need to be confident in yourself that you have a lot to offer a woman and any girl would be lucky to have you. You need to be assertive and cut all the "lets be friends first" crap and just straight up ask her out. When you have been together awhile-you can start letting your emotions out but too much too soon will scare her away.

Yes woman do want a man who is comfortable with who he is and isnt afraid of his feelings, who knows how to show his love etc but we want to be treated as his equal. Not above or beneath him so if you put her on a pedastal and kiss her toes-shell get annoyed.