Not sure what to do..

[stevieargh]

Hello,

I'm hoping writing this will help me understand my thoughts. I am prone to anxiety and have been diagnosed with PTSD in the past so when things get intense, my thoughts start to swirl around and I never really get anywhere.

I've been in a relationship for 10 months now, it's slightly-long-distance (we live about an hour's drive away from each other but only I drive; she will get the train up. We see each other on weekends). If I listed my ideal qualities in a partner, she'd meet so many of them I feel mad questioning it. We're both very creative people, love music and festivals and nature. But I am very sociable, I'm not close with my family and instead have a large group of friends who act as such; I've known most of them since I was 16, it's not a bunch of single lads - this is a mixed group of mostly couples ranging in age from 18 to 50, it feels terribly special to me, someone who was very lonely before I met them and they really care for me. I see friends every night, Monday to Friday (not for drinking.etc, just sharing a living room in one of our homes as most of us live alone).

My girlfriend is very unsociable and very shy, what troubles me is how she just accepts this as a fact. I hoped that she'd meet my friends, like them too and everything would moosh together and be wonderful - instead she tells me that she just wants to spend time with me, thinks they are silly, that I spend enough time with them already and that they're the sort of friends 'single' people have. In the same breath she'll be telling me how sad and lonely she was before she met me and also asking me why she doesn't have any friends.

She suffers from M.E (Or CFS), which means that she is exhausted a lot of the time. When she's floppy (as we refer to it), she's very hard to talk to and requires quiet. A lot of our weekends together have always been spent with her asleep and me being as quiet as possible trying to occupy my very-awake-brain. I encouraged her with going to a support group the local council run and drove her to every appointment and she felt that it really helped, at the same time she went through a bit of an awakening and realised that a past boyfriend had been psychologically bullying her during their relationship; at the point, for a few weeks, all we spoke about was her past relationships and how they affected her - I am not one to be difficult when talking about past relationships but I felt like I switched into a counsellor (something I do for a lot of my friends).

As she started to return to normal, satisfied that she'd got it all out of her, my ex-girlfriend and friend passed away from cancer (this was December 2012). I was absolutely devastated, we'd remained close as friends (and only ever as friends) and I'm choking up now writing about it. My girlfriend's determination to spend time with just me had made it hard to arrange time to see my friend and her death took me by surprise. My girlfriend was supportive, and I've never said that I regretted not spending time with her as there's nothing to gain from that, but I was already starting to feel bad about our relationship.

It was again at this point that she had her contraceptive implant replaced (I am fine with condoms but she says that her hormones go out of control without it) and I noticed a change straight away. We stopped having sex and whilst I fully understand and am never pushy (I've had issues with anxiety and sex before and know that making a huge issue of it is not helpful) I am desperate to be close to her. She will want sex but says her body does not, we've always had a good sex life and I know her very well but now on the odd occasion we will begin, she will climax and want to stop or, if we continue, simply have such an awkward face that I know I'm hurting her and have to stop. This, written down, sounds sexually selfish of her, I assure you it is not. I think her mood changed at the same point as the implant but cannot be sure.

When we got together I always loved the conversations we'd have, the first night I met her we chatted so much we didn't sleep. Now I find her snappy and she regularly talks over me, that kills me, it's like she's telling me she doesn't care what I have to say and kicks me straight out of the conversation. I've spoken to her about that and she apologises but says she cannot help it. As my mood about the whole relationship is changing, the lack of my social life is really starting to get to me. I still see my friends but I've really fallen apart from a few with several telling me that I don't come out enough and a few outrightly telling me I shouldn't be with her. She will say that I am the most social person she knows because I see people Monday to Friday but I've not had a weekend, a normal weekend, in ten months. She says she is happy going to a party, and her past boyfriends have done that - dragged her around and left her on sofas, she's told me how she didn't like it, I *cannot* do that - I cannot make her uncomfortable and put her places she doesn't want to be. It changes my entire experience. My friends tell me I am too nice but I that's what I do, I can't put anyone's feelings ahead of my own. I feel like a wait on her, constantly bringing tea and backrubs and things but these are all what I enjoy in a relationship - I'm aware that might be unhealthy though.

I don't know if I'm being selfish, I feel so guilty having these thoughts: I absolutely adore her and just want her to be happy but it's making me unhappy. I know how she'll be if we split up, she's told me, I'm geniuenly worried for her (not her harming herself, I know she won't do that), she says I'm her entire world but it is exhausting me. We can't spend more time apart as we only two days together a week as it is and I can't see her on non-weekends as she's too exhausted from work and I can't afford to be away from my work. Every weekend recently I've been so positive at the start, on my way to either meet her from the station or on my way to see her, but her mood brings me straight down. She now can pick up that and it just cycles and I don't know how to stop that.

I am desperate for it to be good again, I terrified that I can't see things clearly and that I'd be making a huge mistake: I am worried that depression is rearing its ugly head, I worry that I'm going back into a spell of it due to my friend passing away and that it's making me see things negatively. I often worry that my girlfriend is depressed, it is a common side-effect of M.E, but she doesn't 'believe' in antidepressants (when talking about others and myself, despite my personal positive experiences with them in the past) and seems happy in her mindset. She is stubborn and I'd only offend her by diagnosing her, besides, her mother works in mental health and they are very close.

If a friend was telling me all this, I'd be really concerned that a significant ex-girlfriend dying has mucked up how they view their relationship, but I'd also have no useful words to offer on the subject.

If this has come to its end, then it's horribly selfish of me to drag it out to see if it gets better but I do love her. I also love my friends though, with her it is special but I cannot really recall how I felt 10-or-so months ago to compare. Love is like that. I've also never broken up with someone before and I worry that I'll eventually, as has happened before, end up getting walked all over. I could not travel to see her to 'do it', I'd be lost in another city having a massive panic but I'd hate myself so much if it was over Skype or the phone. It kills me to even think about planning it.

..

I read this all back and I'm just as confused, but I'm sure (well, I hope, this *is* called a love forum, hehe) people will understand that on top of all of this is a huge amount of positive feelings towards her that developed over a, until recent times, the happiest time of my life. I hope people can reply, even if it's just what you think I need to here, but please give some reason as I need to understand this and I need to understand it quickly. I feel like I'm being a horrible person by writing this, behind her back, but I cannot kick the thought that this is all very wrong. Help please, sorry to appear on a new forum and have this as my first post

[michelle23]

I'm not sure if this relationship is worth it. You don't sound compatible to me. Its only ten months in and you have all these issues. Her problems with your social life/friends, you feeling like a carer, her talking over you, lack of sex to mention a few.

Her condition is a lot to take on. She is exhausted a lot of the time and has no energy to go anywhere or do anything. It could just get worse and worse and you may need to put your own happiness first.

Also your social life sounds more important than love. Will you ever be happy or satisfied in a relationship? I'm not sure. It sounds as if you need to see all these people 6-7 days a week and most adults don't live that way especially if they have a significant other that they enjoy spending lots of time with.

Its now or never. You either end it or commit fully to her. There is no point dragging this out to the point where you feel trapped and cannot leave. If you are unhappy after just ten months and are having doubts-its time to move on.

[stevieargh]

My social life has never been more important until this point, it's always just been a bit difficult combining the two but the relationship has seemed worth the effort. I want to commit to her, to have it like how it was, but it's very hard when even hugs are rejected. It feels like she has changed but I'm aware that change could be a reflection of me changing due to the death of my friend, that's all the logic I can muster.

I will travel to spend this weekend with her and like I always have, I'll be my positive-self - by that point in the week, after a five days without her, I'm missing her and looking forward to seeing her - but if it's the same weekend as we've had for a while now I think I know what I need to do. I'd just have no idea what to say, as I know she'll question it, and I don't want to be an arse and upset her even more than a straight-thinking-person would.

Thank you for y our reply!

[michelle23]

It is your decision. Do what you feel is best for you. You don't need to explain yourself if you decide to end it. All you have to say is your sorry, you don't want to hurt her but the feelings are no longer there and its better for both of you this way. She will be upset obviously but shell also understand what you mean.

[Coline]

Hi Stevieargh,
I agree with Michelle but as this is your life so you have to take action but make sure to see all the aspects before taking decision. All the best.

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