7 Year Relationship Help.

[LoveNHate]

Ok so I have had a relationship with this amazing girl that has been through it all with me for the past 7 years. I love her to death but at times I have a difficult time expressing my love. I usually express it by cooking for her or doing something along those lines. I don't see myself not expressing love to her in another way that she wants, touching and words. At times I do it but most of the time I'm so out of it I don't notice that I need to show love that way to in order to allow her to understand her language of love. Well she recently broke up with me because she felt like I wasn't there for her and she felt like she was asking too much from me. I was devastated because I thought I gave it what I could, I thought the relationship just developed into something it was suppose to and we show love a different way. I thought wrong and I understand that even though the relationship gets older I would still need to bring back the old ways of showing her affection.

We live together currently just until another few months when we're going to move out, it's been difficult for me the past month, the first week after she called it off we were back to normal it almost felt like.. She continued to hug me, kiss me, I do the same back. But soon after she decided that it was going to make things harder and she said we will need to set boundaries. She also tells me she's very hurt that she has to do this and doesn't even know what she wants. At the moment I'm trying to give her space and just be happy for myself and do what I need to for myself. When I come home everynight and see her it feels good but at the same time it's a little disappointing, we talk still and I am happy around her when I talk and it feels great. But the back of my mind it still hurts inside. After about 2 weeks of when she said we should set boundaries it feels great actually, she'll still do things for me like buy food for me for dinner before I come home. I bought her favorite candy and baked goods and she happily took them and said thank you.. Not sure if this is just caring for each other or am I confusing it for something else.

I left her a note for an interview telling her good luck and she was happy to receive that surprise note, I would do small things but also at the same time allow her space. We don't text everyday like we use to, it makes me a bit sad which is perfectly normal. As we were sleeping in the same bed I for some reason put my arms around her and she reminded me again about the boundaries, I said yea I remember and just backed off.. After a while she said, "But we can do it, I guess hugging is fine"

What does this all mean? Am I just taking it the wrong way... I really am trying to show her I can be affectionate and I understand where she's coming from. Before I would focus my time on school and useless things, browsing internet, social media, etc. Since this has happened I summarized all my faults and am changing them, not for her but for myself.. All these things I didn't realize before is allowing me more time to focus on the more important things in life. I feel deeply sorry for what I have put her through and it makes me incredibly sad that I cannot do much at the moment to fix this. Do you see this going on the right path?

It's just been very difficult and lots of ups and downs, I understand I can't force her to do anything and I would never want to. I just want to see where this is going because at the moment with how I feel and the signs I'm reading it seems like she's starting to second guess her decision. I just hope I'm not the only one that agrees with that, I cooked breakfast for her and she asked what's the occasion and I kinda said, "more time" but caught myself and realized I couldn't say more time for us to spend together.. but I think she kinda got the clue.. She hasn't hugged me since this has happened and today she thanked me for breakfast and came to hug me. How I interpret this, I'm not too sure.. is she hugging me out of sympathy or was she really showing her feeling here?

I also feel like she's holding out to see if this is really going to be good and see how she really feels before jumping back in so fast. We went out to eat after all this finally and she still allowed me to pay even though she tried to pay for both of us, not like it means anything but it felt just like old times again. Should I continue to slowly ease in it, first being friends but at the same time showing her a flirty side so she'll have fun but not totally ignoring her? Sorry for the long post, I'll really appreciate any feedback, it really means a lot to me having a female's perspective. Please try to keep the comments like "An ex is an ex for a reason" as those are somewhat pointless in this position, I don't see this as something that ends it all. But correct me if I'm wrong, I would love all different views of things.

[bearz]

I think you just needed a wake-up call and that's exactly what she gave you. I personally don't see this as being over. While you two are on sort of a break right now, you are still living together, you aren't avoiding each other, you still sleep in the same bed, you both still care about each other. She just wanted to show you that she needs more than a cooked meal every once in a while. You need to show her some affection, emotional and physical. I think if you continue with small baby steps and do less useless things and try to spend more time with her she won't be going anywhere. 7 years is a long time and judging by her actions she isn't willing to just throw that away.

[LoveNHate]

I think you just needed a wake-up call and that's exactly what she gave you. I personally don't see this as being over. While you two are on sort of a break right now, you are still living together, you aren't avoiding each other, you still sleep in the same bed, you both still care about each other. She just wanted to show you that she needs more than a cooked meal every once in a while. You need to show her some affection, emotional and physical. I think if you continue with small baby steps and do less useless things and try to spend more time with her she won't be going anywhere. 7 years is a long time and judging by her actions she isn't willing to just throw that away.

This happened once before and I slipped out of it for some reason and became oblivious and I focused my efforts into other things like school and non-sense too much but it really made me change this time. I realize I can't just put a relationship on the side, it's just as important as every other assignment or things in life. She said we're getting older and she doesn't want to continue a cycle if it keeps continuing like this.. So right now I guess she just feels really cautious about allowing this to happen. Yes we care very much about each other, so much that I don't know if this is caring out of love or just her caring just because. You're right, I need to learn how to show affection another way and not just think she'll understand the way I show her love, I need to speak in her language of love too and I really want to do that but at the moment I gotta keep the distance. Sometimes I try to cut the distance by hugging her so she can still feel the touching affection without being too much. I also admit I didn't take the breakup the best way either as I did act out on emotions during the time, which probably drove her away for a bit but I quickly realized that and fixed myself. I'm just trying to show her a great time and always having her smile at the moment and I think that's the best thing I could do now, hopefully it'll work towards my favor.

[michelle23]

you gotta try and save this before she moves out. tell her your willing to do whatever it takes-suggest couples counselling. after 7years you owe it to each other to not give up so easily. the only thing missing from your relationship is the fact that you dont no how to show each other love because your languages are different. you can fix this but you both have to be willing to try.

[LoveNHate]

you gotta try and save this before she moves out. tell her your willing to do whatever it takes-suggest couples counselling. after 7years you owe it to each other to not give up so easily. the only thing missing from your relationship is the fact that you dont no how to show each other love because your languages are different. you can fix this but you both have to be willing to try.

That's exactly what I'm trying to do.. however asking her she just says it's over and it's her final decision and she said it's just going to be the same cycle, I might change for a while and go back to my old un-affectionate self. I know this time it is for sure because this was a huge reality check for me. How can I do this when she's like that? I'm doing the best I can by just enjoying the time with her and not bring it up as it might cause her to get sad. Trying to put only happy thoughts in her so she can think about it. I even feel at the moment she's not really missing me because she sees me a good bit of the time, maybe when she moves out it'll hit her even harder and she'll realize then that she misses me and want me back?

It's just difficult that I'm trying but she's pushing me away and I don't want to continuously ask her, that's pretty much begging and it'll cause me to distant myself even more.

[roxy8855]

Ok first off girls needs to be held, need for their hand to held, need kisses, need hugs, need anything affectionate. It's how we know we are wanted and loved. In your situation, I personally dont think its actually over, especially by the fact that you are still sleeping in the same bed. She needs you to show her and you still love her just the same way you did 7 years ago when you first fell in love with her. She needs to be reassured that you are in this for real. She may feel that instead of lovers, your relationship turned into a roommates situation. Best advice: date her again. Take her out, wine and dine her, buy her flowers, surprise her at work if possible, write her notes on the bathroom mirror.. things like that. Hold her hand, she needs that. You still have a chance cuz she hasn't left yet. She may be looking at it this way as well... I am getting older, if I am going to marry, I need to do it now. She may want to get married, but think you dont because you dont show her that you love her in her own way.

Make sense?

[LoveNHate]

Yes makes a lot of sense.. I understand where shes coming from. She doesn't want to get married for a while but I know what you're saying, she doesn't want to waste time on something that is only half there. I would really love to show her that but afraid she's scared to get hurt and allow me to do it for a bit then go back again to not being affectionate but at times I just don't realize what I do or don't do. For sure I want to fix myself for the better but right now i'm sorta stuck on how to show it. I did leave her a good luck note, bought her favorite candy, bought a donut for her, took her out to dinner, cooked breakfast... At times I'm afraid I'm doing too much and should back off a bit but I'm not sure how girls read these situations. Is this too much that I can possibly push her further away or are all positive actions ok as long as I don't talk about the relationship? I did try to hold her hand that night we cuddled but she held it for a few seconds and let go. Not sure if all that is too strong or should I just continue this "friend" relationship until she actually makes the move?

I'm still pretty unsure how I should approach this? Should I keep NC from text/calls? Or should I do a little? Also she did want to move out because she said it'll be easier than seeing me hurt. Of course she ended up not to because I told her to stay and finish up what was left instead of making it a bigger issue than it has to be.

[michelle23]

dude sll those things you do for her are nice but thats not her love language so it doesnt show her that you love her.

you need to walk up behind her and just give her a hug while nuzzling her neck, sit beside her and cuddle while watching tv instead of the opposite end of the couch, give her a hug for no reason, kiss her like 10times a day and have regular sex. cuddle her in her sleep, kiss he goodbye in the morning, and seem happyy when you get home. a big bear hug and kisses. tell her you love her everyday, remind her shes beautiful, especially if she just got her hair done or spent 2hours getting ready for a night out. sit and watch her regularly when shes doing one of the random things you love about her and just smile.

all these things shout love to a woman.

anyway you cant do most of that now coz ur not together anymore. look up the languages of love and try to explain to her what your language is and promise her you will really try to be more affectionate if she gives you anothet chance.

[LoveNHate]

Yea I know those stuff are all difficult to do right now, I did look at the languages of love and I'm an act of service person mainly. I want to talk to her but don't want to bring up the relationship unless she's going to talk about it because everytime I bring it up it just leads to bad conversations, she'll just say what she decided is final and how would she know that I will change and not only for a while. I also don't want to talk about it and drive her away by bringing bad memories up. This is why it's an even more difficult situation.. I already said I'll change and talked to her about all that so she knows. I feel like the only thing I can do right now is give her space and just slowly ease into it making sure she knows what I want but not be too pushy.

[michelle23]

i agree that begging will do nothing but push her further away but ask her one question "do you still love me?"

her answer is scary but you need to know if theres anything left worth fighting for.

[LoveNHate]

She did say she loves me but she also said she doesn't feel the same basically saying she can't see her being with me because I'm not affectionate enough and she doesn't feel like I'm there for her, this was during the situation where I was a mess and acted upon emotion so I'm not sure if she was saying that just to push me away or really meant it because a lot of things people don't mean are said at this time. She also says she doesn't know what she wants.. It just tells me she's confused. I understand she doesn't feel the affection so her feelings aren't the same but I honestly think they're still there.

Basically she is wishing her feeling of when I was affectionate would be there because overtime she felt like I was less and less affectionate and I might have been too comfortable around her that we felt like roommates more than lovers.

I should also say that when she actually broke up with me she had some drinks in here, which tends to lead to acting upon things you don't want sometimes so idk. That's why the next week or two was weird, felt like it was normal, we kissed, hugged, etc. like we're still together.

[LoveNHate]

Just thought I'd update, since we live together things have been getting better.. she seems to enjoy her time around me and we hang out and taking it one day at a time and going with the flow.. Something yesterday triggered a conversation that was a little unexpected.. she was basically asking me where am I going to live after we both move out. In my current situation I really have no clue as I don't even know if it's possible so I just told her I don't know yet and I still have time but don't worry. She seems to be worrying a lot about that, don't know what's on her mind. I took this time to ask her where we stood in this because obviously there's still the vibe there that we're together and love each other very much but something in her is preventing this, I'm pretty sure it's her afraid of being hurt again.

Anyways so she pretty much told me she enjoys the time with me but at the time she doesn't have the feelings and she can't promise anything.. I told her I understand. She said she doesn't know where it'll go but if it does go in a positive direction that we can't live together because we might be forced to be in a tougher situation if we do. Of course this hurts but I just had to take it and respect her decisions. Do girls usually change their minds about this based on how they feel and their feelings?

[HeartIsAching]

Ok first off girls needs to be held, need for their hand to held, need kisses, need hugs, need anything affectionate. It's how we know we are wanted and loved. In your situation, I personally dont think its actually over, especially by the fact that you are still sleeping in the same bed. She needs you to show her and you still love her just the same way you did 7 years ago when you first fell in love with her. She needs to be reassured that you are in this for real. She may feel that instead of lovers, your relationship turned into a roommates situation. Best advice: date her again. Take her out, wine and dine her, buy her flowers, surprise her at work if possible, write her notes on the bathroom mirror.. things like that. Hold her hand, she needs that. You still have a chance cuz she hasn't left yet. She may be looking at it this way as well... I am getting older, if I am going to marry, I need to do it now. She may want to get married, but think you dont because you dont show her that you love her in her own way.

Make sense?

Gah... I hate generalizations like this.

SOME women need what you describe. Others have different needs. Men too.

I think OP that what's going on here is that you two express your love in different ways and don't recognize each others' expressions of love. Men tend to be much less verbal about it than women, and often that gets us into trouble.

I had a co-worker once that was a newlywed that complained to me that her husband never said "I love you." I asked her if he ever walked up behind her when she was doing something, put his arms around her and kissed her neck or cheek, then walked away... she said "Yeah, he does that all the time." I said "That's 'I love you'."

Your relationship may not be past saving... but you need to sit down with her and communicate. The fact that she chose a breakup as a bludgeon to force an action - if in fact that's what she did, is alarming. That's not really a good communication tool.

If you talk to her and she does want to save it, get some couples counseling... it sounds to me as if you two have communications issues more than anything else.

[michelle23]

She may just need time away from you to clear her head and time to miss you before realizing she loves you and wants it to work. She may also need a rebound with someone else to make her see that she still wants you. Or else she may be sure that its over and is not coming back.

The last thing you can do is ask her to go to relationship counselling to see if you and she can get back on track.

[LoveNHate]

Gah... I hate generalizations like this.

SOME women need what you describe. Others have different needs. Men too.

I think OP that what's going on here is that you two express your love in different ways and don't recognize each others' expressions of love. Men tend to be much less verbal about it than women, and often that gets us into trouble.

I had a co-worker once that was a newlywed that complained to me that her husband never said "I love you." I asked her if he ever walked up behind her when she was doing something, put his arms around her and kissed her neck or cheek, then walked away... she said "Yeah, he does that all the time." I said "That's 'I love you'."

Your relationship may not be past saving... but you need to sit down with her and communicate. The fact that she chose a breakup as a bludgeon to force an action - if in fact that's what she did, is alarming. That's not really a good communication tool.

If you talk to her and she does want to save it, get some couples counseling... it sounds to me as if you two have communications issues more than anything else.

I understand where you're coming from but this was not her last resort.. There was a problem with her getting through to me.. I kept taking it for granted and tried to focus on other things.. I just need to find a balance and after this situation I have noticed my faults and fixed them. It had made my school work a lot more productive and allow me more time for more important things. Counseling is a possibility but I don't know how to bring it up as it's something she feels that should come natural, she'll feel that it'll just me a temporary fix.