Husband cheated on me

**brokenwoman** · 21-03-13, 07:07 AM

I just found out my husband has been cheating on me. He told me he did it because of the lack of sex. I don't understand this, because I kept trying to spice up our sex life. Just two weeks ago I bought some new lingerie for him and I planned out a nice evening for us. I bought new massage oils and everything. Every weekend I try to do something for us to have sex, but he always turns me down. I haven't gained weight and a lot of people tell me I am beautiful, so it can't be because he no longer felt attracted to me. In fact, I work out four times a day and I jog every morning unless it's raining or snowing. On those days I go to the gym and run on the treadmill. The day he told me he was cheating on me (Saturday) I bought edible chocolate body paint. But then he came home on Saturday after he was with the other woman, and sat me down and he told me that he has been cheating on me with a 19 year old for the last four months. I asked him why. He told me it was because of the lack of sex. In the last six months since the lack of sex started, I have not denied him sex. It is always HIM denying ME. We've had sex three times, and it was always when he started it, not me. Before that, we had a very healthy sex life. He says he doesn't want a divorce and he still loves me, but sometimes he misses single life, and going out with girls who still have their youth. It made me feel like an old bag even though I am 26 years old. I do feel old sometimes, but I am not that old. But now I feel very old and I can't even compare to a 19 year old. He told me who she was, and I know her. She is a leggy blond, and gorgeous. I used to baby-sit her! We've been married two and a half years and he is already bored with our sex life despite the fact it's always me who tries to start something. He is 35, so he doesn't really have the right to call ME old. I've never thought of him as old before (I prefer older men), but if he is going to sit there and make it seem like my age is a big deal than I am going to call him old. I want a divorce even though he doesn't. I don't want to raise children with this man. I've kicked him out of our house for now, and I just don't know what to do. And I get the feeling he is with her right now. He isn't with his brother or his parents who are very mad at him. His best friend hasn't seen him because he called me just this afternoon asking for him.

I just can't stop crying. I thought he was the one. I've known him for years, and he never cheated before with any of his previous girlfriends. Not that I know of anyway. His parents are best friends with my parents, that's how I know him so well. His brother isn't that much older than me and we went to the same High School. He was two years above me. So I've known him and his family for years, and he never seemed like he was a cheater. We started dating when I was 21. I haven't gone to work all week because I just feel so depressed. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I've never treated him like crap. I don't yell at him. We rarely fight. The last time we had a fight before Saturday was about seven months ago, and it was over something stupid. We made up and he seemed happy. We seemed like we had a healthy relationship. We connect well. We like the same things. He is just as active as I am. He is more fit than some 26 year old guys I know. We always go hiking together in the summer. We usually take hiking trips together every summer on weekends. I just can't figure out what it is that went wrong for him to turn to another girl. I've been thinking over the last six months and trying to figure out what it is I did to make him not want me anymore.

I don't have anyone to talk to right now, so I found these forums.

**HeartIsAching** · 21-03-13, 07:13 AM

He's feeding you a line to make you feel as if it were your fault.

Bottom line - he cheated because he was insecure. You can't trust him now, and without trust, what have you got worth preserving?

I'd be willing to bet that he told you so you'd end the marriage - as he's too cowardly to end it himself.

**bearz** · 21-03-13, 07:26 AM

I'm really sorry that this is happening to you. He was cheating on you for four months and from what you are saying your sex life was acceptable until he started cheating with that other girl. So his excuse is bullshit. I agree with HIA that he's just looking for an easy way out right now. You did the right thing by kicking him out and you better not let him back into your life. You deserve better than someone who goes behind your back for four months.

**michelle23** · 21-03-13, 07:28 AM

Im sorry your in this awful situation. I have so much to say i dont no where to start.

Okay first of all this is not ur fault-it is his 100% so stop blaming yourself right now. This is typical for a cheat to try and shove the blame and their guilt on their partner. The reason he went off sex with you is coz he had an emotional affair and in order to get closer to her-he needed to distance himself from you. Hes also deluded himself into believing the lack of sex was ur fault coz he needed to blame you for something and make you look like the bad guy in order to make himself believe his bad behaviour is somehow justified (which it isnt).

I recommend you look up the five types of cheaters by robert weiss and also look up the stages of grief after infidelity.

I think you can do so much better than this loser and if i were you i would get a divorce and never look back. Obviously itl hurt for a long time and it wont be easy but in time youll get over him and be in a better place emotionally to meet a man who doesnt take you for granted.

Your obviously good looking, confident, intelligent-you take great care of yourself, your independent and any man would be lucky to have you. Dont settle for a man who can rip your heart out like this. There are billion of men in the world and plenty who wouldnt hurt you.

The trust is gone, the emotional connection destroyed, if you sleep with him again youll have her constantly on your mind, youll feel hurt and angry for as long as ur with him, you wont ever feel close enough to him again to confide in him or lean on him for emotional support.

Its broken and nothing will ever be the same again. Your a young woman with so much life to look forward to. Dont waste ur life on someone who can treat you this way.

If u stay u will still feel the pain in ten years from now. If u go-youll prob be over him in 2years maximum.

And the only way hell really learn his lesson is if he loses everything.

Look up narcistic qualities and see does he have any. The younger woman thing is giving me a hunch that he may have npd..

You should see a counsellor to help you heal faster. Youll be okay. Stay strong xx

**Starnique** · 21-03-13, 07:41 AM

If I used to baby sit her and I knew where she stayed, I dont condone violence but I will be outside waiting on him to walk out. Better yet, have his shit out before he gets home. I would have his stuff thrown out and the locks changed.

If you had anywhere else to go you could just leave, pack whatever you can take and leave and dont give him any answer I know it seems hard but its the best. If you have been the best wife to him and know that, he will come back to you. They always do. Hopefully you dont take him back. He couldnt even get a grown woman he had to get himself a little girl. smh

**brokenwoman** · 21-03-13, 09:49 AM

Thank you for the replies everyone. Sorry I didn't post sooner. My sister came over shortly after I posted this.

Trust me, I do not plan to get back with him. My sister has a good lawyer, that's why she came over. She wanted to talk, but she also wanted to set me up with him as well. He's supposed to come back on Saturday to get some more of his stuff. The house is in my name anyway. It was mine before we got married. I have an inheritance from my grandmother so I bought this place back in 2006. But yes, as soon as he gets anything that is his out of here I plan to change the locks. I've been thinking of maybe trying to sell later down the road too. I have too many memories of him now. What was once a great home is now a depressing place to be.

I still can't believe this is happening. My sister, and my friends have all told me what people on here have said, but it's still hard not to blame myself.

**PradaChanel** · 21-03-13, 10:36 AM

WhoaWhoaWhoa!

Dont EVER blame yourself for what some sorry or trifling person has done to you. We as women always question ourselves and when men cheat they dont realize it can mess with a womans self esteem or make them insecure but thats why you have to know how important you are, how valuable you are. He was a fool to have messed over you and one day he will realize it. Since you really loved him then losing you will hurt him more then anything you can ever do, but he has to realize that for himself. He is going to reap the seeds he's sown, believe that. Trust me I know its hard but it will get easier. He was only in your life for a season and sometimes we mix seasonal people up with lifetime expectations. Of course he may try to come back to you but by the time you heal and focus on yourself, then he wont be able to say anything to you. I promise you. It will get easier everyday. And if you do decide to take him back, make him work hard for it. Dont make it easy at all. He needs to prove himself to you all over, thats if you take him back, Im being realistic because you might.

But dont EVER blame yourself for this two timing loser.

**smackie9** · 21-03-13, 10:44 AM

Oh dear how awful.....it's strange that we think we know someone until something like this happens. He is definitively a coward trying to place blame on you for his short comings. Don't you worry, because what goes around comes around. His family and friends will be disgusted with his actions.....it's gonna come back to bite him in the ass that's for sure. I'm glad you have your assets protected and a lawyer......I would be changing the locks now if I were you....and you can leave his stuff out on the front lawn.

**michelle23** · 21-03-13, 07:59 PM

Stop blaming yourself. You have done nothing wrong. He didn't slip on a banana peel and fall in between the bitches legs did he? It was planned-sneaking around behind your back for months! He knew what he was doing, knew the pain it would cause, knew it would be the end of your marriage and still did it anyway and then tried to blame you for the lack of sex even though its blatantly obvious that was his fault! Maybe he even thought you'd forgive him. That just shows how little respect he has for you and he obviously thinks your a doormat-well now you can show him he messed with the wrong woman and your a hell of a lot stronger than he gave you credit for.

You should pack up all his stuff-throw it outside and change the locks today. tell him he has 24 hours to get his shit off your lawn or you will give it to charity (if you can legally get away with that)

Its great that you have your family for support. Lean on them. They will be there for you and help you get through this.

Don't give him the time of day-you owe him nothing. He destroyed your marriage-not you-just tell him you will see him in court, block him from your phone and computer etc.. also if he tries to come near you-take out a restraining order against him. Ban him from your property. The less you have to see him-the faster you will heal. Once the divorce is final-you will never have to see him again.

Also take all your anger out on the divorce. Take whatever you can get out of the bastard-leave him broke. That's what id do and then id give all his money to charity coz I wouldn't want it.

Look after yourself and do whatever you need to to heal and move on. You have done nothing to deserve this. He broke his vows. There is no excuse for what he did. Even if you were a bad wife (which your not) that is no excuse to hop into someone else's bed!!

**Boisdevie** · 22-03-13, 01:39 AM

Did he cheat because he's insecure? No, he cheated because he's a selfish cunt.

**smackie9** · 22-03-13, 02:12 AM

Ya men and women cheat for different reasons...being insecure or low self esteam is usually a woman's problem.

**michelle23** · 22-03-13, 02:45 AM

Na thats not true. Men cheat for low self-esteem/insecurity issues too. Thinking the grass is greener, feeling unnatractive, stroking their ego, feeling as if they settled for second best coz they dont have the confidence in themselves to trust their own choices or the low self-esteem telling them they cant do any better so they settle and wait for someone else to pay them some attention.

Theres also narcissits who also have a fragile ego and cheat for that reason amongst many others.

Theres sex addicts too that use sex to self soothe and are usually self destructive suffering from guilt, shame, low self esteem, low self worth.

Its one of the main things all cheaters have in common-low self esteem.

There are also those who are emotionally immature and cant cope with real life, real responsibility, a real relationship-so they cheat to escape from reality normally during difficult times. When the relationship is good there great-perfect partner but when things get a little tough they bail on you.. Weak and pathetic people

anyway my whole point is-the cheat is the one with the issues-not the victim who gets their heart ripped out.

**brokenwoman** · 22-03-13, 06:08 AM

Well now he is trying to blame it just on her. I am not taking any blame off her at all, I am just as pissed off at her as much as him considering I've known her her entire life. I just can't believe he is trying to make it seem as if she is the only one to blame for it. His brother and his friend came over today to get his stuff for him today. They are both on my side, and so they were talking to me about him. His brother went through the same thing I am going through right now a year ago, so he understands more than anyone I know. Anyway, they were telling me that when he was explaining what happened that he put the soul blame on her, and her alone.

The story is, one Friday evening after work he went to a bar and he bumped into her and her friends at the bar. They were celebrating her 19th birthday. We're in Canada for anyone who is wondering, the drinking age here in Ontario is 19. Anyway, apparently she was all over him as soon as she saw him and since "He is only a man, he couldn't help when a hot beautiful young drunk girl was all over him." Which now I am even more angry. Sure she should not have been anywhere near him, and when I am ready, her and I are going to be having some words, but really? He is only a man, and he couldn't help it? Sorry, but no. He could have resisted. I've seen him resist in the past when he was actually into me. He is a very handsome man, so he does get women hitting on him, but he also knows when he wants to how to turn them away. Which only means when this happened, he was losing interest in me. And that's another situation right there.

The cheating has been going on for longer than four months. He told me it was going on for four months, but her birthday is a week after mine. My birthday is the beginning of September. This first started back in September. I have known that girl her whole life, and I even met her the day she came home from the hospital when I was 7 years old. So I know when her birthday is, and it was not four months ago. So either he is lying to his brother and his friend about when the cheating started, or he is lying to me. But I would say it was shortly after my birthday when our sex life went downhill. So it's like he wanted to make it seem like he turned away from me after two months of no sex to her, but that's not what happened at all. He cheated on me with her on her birthday, and continued to cheat.

I have not spoken to him since Saturday when he told me he was cheating, but from what his brother and friend are telling me, he is not willing to take any blame for this at all. It's my fault and her fault in his eyes. His brother also told me he said: "Come on, any man my age is going to take a hot 19 year old when they throw themselves at him." Yeah maybe if they were single, not a married man.

I almost just want to leave this town completely. I've always wanted to live in the city, but I've stayed here for my parents. And then after we got married, we talked about selling this place and buying a place in the city, but he hates city life. So we stayed, but now more than ever I want to leave. I know my parents will be angry with me for moving, they don't want me living anywhere but this town. It's something we've got into an argument about a lot since I was 18, but I just don't think I can stay here anymore. Not when I am going to be seeing those two, and not when I have so many memories of him in this house and so many places around this town. He's even ruined the town trails for me. I am not going to be able to go hiking on those trails ever again. There is too much of us doing things together in there for my liking.

But it says something about him that he is sending other people over to get his stuff rather than him coming over himself. His parents are getting the last of it for him tomorrow. His brother and his friend got all of his clothes and small knick knacks, but his parents are coming for the bigger stuff tomorrow. And my dad is coming tomorrow morning to change the locks for me. I called him after reading some of the messages on here, and I decided that was definitely a good idea since I haven't seen the keys yet.

Sorry to be unloading on a message board. It's just I don't see anyone long enough. I think on the weekend I will probably see everyone more, but most of the week I've been by myself except for an hour here or there. It's easier to talk about it instead of being left alone with my thoughts. And tomorrow I am meeting with the lawyer. It will be the first time I've even left this place since Saturday.

I'm just glad we never had kids together, it will make everything so much easier. We've talked about it and even tried last summer. I kind of wonder if that's why he changed his mind. Maybe he really didn't want kids and got freaked out. And that's why he was looking for an out. Not making excuses for him, but it's hard for me not to wonder why things went from really good to him turning to a 19 year old and basically ending things before they ended.

**ashley89** · 22-03-13, 07:10 AM

you are very strong! this is extremely difficult and he is an asshole but you'll get through this. I think it's great how you want to move on and change life, if it has always been your dream to move to the city maybe this is the chance you've been waiting for. everything happens for a reason, even if the reason doesn't seem to make sense at the time. I wish you the best but you seem to have a lot of strength and know your worth, so you will be ok in the end :]

**HeartIsAching** · 22-03-13, 07:24 AM