Seven Years

[desertphoenix]

Hey everyone,

My girlfriend ended a seven-year relationship with me. I met her in university when we were both going through a difficult period of our lives.
My father had just passed away recently, and she was in a relationship with a guy who was pretty abusive. Anyway, she grew close to me and
eventually we decided to have a relationship together.

I loved this girl dearly because I felt at peace when I was around her and she used to make me feel that I could get handle everything as long
as she was there at the end of it. She used to ask me about marriage and I committed to her happily. However, I told her that I'd get married
to her when I was really settled down, as in like when I was thirty, and that if she was certain she could handle it, only then could we have a
future.

After graduation (2006) I was unemployed for a bit because of a slump in the job market (global recession); however, I managed to get a fairly
decent job in the IT sector after a couple of months. In the meantime, this girl's family business went down under and she had to move back to
her own country with her family. This was in 2009. She told her parents about me at our graduation ceremony, and it was after that that I started
feeling that something was up.

She has a difficult relationship with both of her parents. Her mother's pretty controlling and her father, although a nice man, hasn't really done
too much to get his family (two daughters, two son) financially stable again. He's living here and trying to get his business started again and in
the meantime his family's off in our home country. Anyway, we met when she left and after that we kept a long-distance relationship.

After moving, she got a nice job at one of our local universities, and she's currently supporting her family as much as she can. In the meantime,
I'm searching for a better paid position. I'm an only son and I've got the responsibility of my mother on my shoulders as well, but I'm pretty confident
that by the time I'm thirty, I'm going to be all right.

Now the thing is, over time this girl started growing apart me, and the fights started. Initially, I told her that she was backing off from her commitment.
Thinking that she was facing pressure from her parents to get married or something (we're from an Eastern culture, so conservative), I went ahead and
called her father. My mother spoke to her father as well, explained to him our situation, and assured him I'll marry her girl just as soon as I'm ready.

Thing is, I can marry her right this instance, but she'll have to live in our home country for awhile, until I'm stable enough to get her back here. Reason
I'm delaying is that I don't want to keep her away from me. She was raised here and I want her to live with me and be a part of my life. I really love
this girl.

However, sometime in December 2012 she started acting really nuts. She gave me a deadline of March 2013 and told me that it'd be over if I can't talk
to her parents again by then. Well. Fair enough. I obliged her request and a few days ago I asked her to text me her mother's number so my mother
could talk to her. And I got blindsided by her response. She started begging me not to have my mother talk to hers, and she wrote that it'd destroy her
peace. Thing is, I know about her relationship with her mother, and how difficult it is, but on the other hand, she ended up really angering my mother.

She could have said a thousand things, or she could have handled the situation in a polite way, but she didn't. Anyway, thinking that she might be
stressed out, I called up her father, explained my situation to him, and had a fairly decent conversation. The father said that he'll have to talk to her
mother about it and he'd let me know.

Problem is, this girl is acting really strange, even though I've been honest with her. She tells me that her father will decide and if he does, then she'll
marry me. Now I don't know much about these types of games, but this smells like a load of bullshit to me. If this girl really loves me, shouldn't she
have the guts to at least stand up to her parents for me? I'm not asking her to say or do anything stupid, but I -am- expecting her to at least stand up
to her parents and tell them she's a grown woman who can make her own decisions, and she has decided to marry me and she's waiting.

When I tried to explain this to her, I got back a lot of, "I've been waiting for you for so long, and you have to talk to my father, if he says all right, then
fine, otherwise it's the end.", a lot of dutiful daughter talk, etc. All this even though I told her up front seven years ago that she needs to be in it for the
long haul, and she agreed. Now's she just backing out.

I'm failing to understand why she can't stand up to her parents, and even if she can't do that, at least be supportive as I'm talking to her parents. She
cut off all contact with me in a really immature way (I hate you, and such like). The girl's 26 for God's sake, and although she might stressed, I don't
she's got the right to treat me like this. I mean, communication is key when you're having a long-distance relationship with someone, right? How can
you just cut off communication and expect a relationship to prosper?

Anyway, here I am. I'm hurt and I'm mad. Last thing I did was send her an email that she needs to respect me, and I can't contact her parents again
if she doesn't have any feelings for me anymore. I mean, I'm willing to work with her parents, and so is my mother, but I'm feeling hesitant after seeing
this vindictive side of her. It's almost like she's playing some kind of game. I do feel angry, I feel like calling her parents' up and telling them about all the
fooling around she did with me, but as yet I'm restraining myself. What
hurts the most is that I feel used.

So here I am, guys. I came here for your support and advice, so give it to me.

[basilandthyme]

Desertphoenix, I don't think you've been used. You and she were simply foolish to make such a strong commitment without being married. You gave her an ultimatum (agree to wait or don't bother at all) and rather than risk losing you, she foolishly agreed to wait. What neither of you considered is that it may not work out for you.....there was nothing in the agreement about ending the relationship if it doesn't work out. So, if she's not happy and wants to end it, she becomes the 'bad guy' by default.

I realise that she made a promise to you all those years ago, but none of us can ever really know what our future will bring. She certainly couldn't have predicted having her family move her away. But, it was young love after all - she was only 19 and without adequate experience to make such a promise.

Your comment about her standing up to her father is a bit hypocritical. You're happy to use your and her parents to discuss and smooth the path to marriage but when you don't like what her father says, you want her to stand up to him. If you want her to make decisions without her father, then keep your mother out of the picture too.

I am also alarmed that you said she "needs to respect you". Respect is earned - not demanded. If she isn't respecting you, then there's a reason behind it.

You ask "how can you just cut off all communication and expect a relationship to prosper?" Well, you can't. Given that she's cut off contact and said "I hate you", it's fairly safe to say that she's done with you. I don't know for sure what happened to make her turn away from you - but I get the vibe from your post that you can be fairly demanding. Perhaps she found that she didn't like this personality trait of yours. Perhaps all these long distance years have been too much for her.

My best advice is to drop your anger with her. Instead, realise that it was a poor decision to give her the original ultimatum and hopefully you can learn from it.

[desertphoenix]

I don't really have any problems with her father, I only wanted to do what was best for her and us.