Morals vs. Feelings: Help!

[thelastflower]

I'm stuck in a sticky situation, and I want to get out of it the right way, but need a bit of help doing so... Here's a bit of background info.

Additional info: I'm female, 20, he's 23.

L and I met at work about a year and a half ago. I instantly thought he was incredibly attractive, but because I'm quite a shy person it took a month or so before we properly got talking. At first I tried desperately not to let myself fall for him as he came across as your typical bad boy. However, after getting to know him, I realised that I had completely misjudged him, and I just couldn't help myself then. He left almost a year ago to go to another job, so I never really got chance to know him very well. He was a very private person, all I really knew about him was that he and his girlfriend had been together for several years. From what I had heard from other people, she was quite controlling - he wasn't allowed facebook, he wasn't allowed to give his phone number out, he wasn't allowed to go out with other girls without her there. Basically, after he left, I had no way of ever contacting him, I didn't even have a picture of him to look at, which obviously upset me greatly as I'd liked him for over six months at that point.

Anyway, about a month ago, after none of us at work had seen or heard from him since he left, he added me on LinkedIn and we started chatting. Please bear in mind that despite not having seen him for almost a year, I never stopped thinking about him or having feelings for him. A couple of weeks later, we started talking on messenger/skype. I asked if he was still with his girlfriend, because I didn't want to say certain things if he was. He said that they were still together, so I just sort of said "great" and moved on. However, we've been getting more and more flirty with each other, and I just can't help what I say.

Yesterday, it got a bit over the top though - he was hinting at me to take my top off and maybe send a picture (that sounds really sleazy, but he didn't ask outright like that, he said it in a casual jokey way). I didn't, because a) I'm not that kind of girl and b) he has a girlfriend. Honestly, I think if I had wanted to, we would have ended up having cyber sex (again, I'm not that kind of girl). When I said goodnight, he sent me a picture (fully clothed, pulling his top up to reveal a divine stomach), so I just made a grateful joke, said goodnight and signed off quickly. I'm not going to pretend I'm not grateful for the photo(!!), but I don't think his girlfriend would be very happy if she found out.

I feel like I need to say something to him like "I thought you were still with your girlfriend?", but I'm scared he'll stop talking to me, and after a year of not seeing/talking to him I don't want that to happen again. I have no problem with us flirting, but I don't want it to go further than that if he has a girlfriend. I genuinely just enjoy chatting to him and getting to know him, but I'm not sure whether he sees me as a friend or a bit of fun. Any advice on where to go from here?

If anybody needs more information just ask.

[Wakeup]

You're "afraid he'll stop talking to you" are you that desperate that "talking" to him has become your life?

I'm not going to pretend I'm not grateful for the photo(!!), but I don't think his girlfriend would be very happy if she found out.

You might keep that in mind as you are being disrespectful to her and yourself as you continue on in this emotional affair you have going on. Do you really find a guy that would do what he's doing behind his gf's back attractive? Doesn't the very fact that he'd do this turn you off of him in some lizard-brain kind of way? If it doesn't, then how would you ever be able to trust that if you get with him, he'll not be doing to you, what he's doing with you? How would YOU like that?

You "have no problem with us flirting." Well how special for you. What about his girlfriend, do you think she'd have a problem with you flirting? If he was your boyfriend would you allow him to flirt with someone else like he's flirting with you?

You say his gf is quite controlling and won't allow him fb and such. Can you not see why she has placed those boundaries within their relationship when he is like he is?

He sees you as a bit of fun as long as he's still with his gf. You might want to get some self-respect and tell him that you're uncomfortable talking and flirting with him like this when he's got a gf that he has no intentions of leaving and then stop your nonsense by not running to the computuer the minute you get home to waste your good dating time on a guy who is not available to you.

[michelle23]

Most women would have a problem with their bf giving his number out the girls or spending time alone with other girls. That is normal-not controlling at all. And maybe he doesn't have FB coz he doesn't want one? My bf never had any interest in social networking sites but I wouldn't give a toss if he did.

Just because you and he haven't kissed or had sex does not make this okay. What he is doing behind her back is cheating whether you want to admit it to yourself or not. And if hell cheat with you-hell cheat on you.

You have both already crossed a line and as far as im concerned. he doesn't deserve his gf so you might as well tell her what hes been up to and then you might be able to get your claws fully into the horrible prick. People like you and him deserve each other. You might as well be together and hurt each other so it will stop him from hurting his gf any further. She can do better unlike you.

Some people have no integrity.....

[michelle23]

oh and id say your "bad boy first impression" was spot on. If you want the douche go get him but dont come crying to us when he hurts you just like hes hurt his gf

[thelastflower]

You guys missed my point.

I know that flirting with him is wrong, I'm not saying it's right. Last night completely crossed the line, that's the whole reason I posted this because I wanted advice on a way to get out of the situation whilst staying friends because I know that he is actually a good person.

I know that we will never be together and I wouldn't trust him if we were, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be friends with him. Also, I don't rush to the computer to talk to him as soon as I get home. We both have really busy lives and only manage to chat a couple of times a week. We have decent conversations about anything and everything, it was only yesterday in the last 5 minutes it got out of hand. I was just asking advice on how to bring up the whole "hey, you have a girlfriend and shouldn't be asking for photos of me" thing.

[bearz]

"hey, you have a girlfriend and shouldn't be asking for photos of me"

What stops you from telling him exactly that? Just tell him straight up.

[michelle23]

"hey you have a gf-our friendship is inappropriate-I don't want to talk to you again"

Its that simple. You dont need to be his "friend" that's bullshit!

[Wakeup]

You guys missed my point.

I know that flirting with him is wrong, I'm not saying it's right. Last night completely crossed the line, that's the whole reason I posted this because I wanted advice on a way to get out of the situation whilst staying friends because I know that he is actually a good person.

Oh, no point was missed. You cannot be "friends" with a member of the opposite sex that you want to have sex with and be with. You are simply fooling yourself and no one else particularily when you say you don't want to call him (and subsequently yourself) on his sh*t because 'You're afraid he won't talk to you anymore." That means deep down you know the only reason he IS talking to you is to use you for free nakid pic and cyber sex but you're denying that to yourself outright. Its okay though, we'll keep it real for you.

I know that we will never be together and I wouldn't trust him if we were, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be friends with him.

Puhleeeze. You know you want more then that and you're hoping that your little flirting and chats will sway him over to you and he'll dump his gf. By continuing to talk/flirt/and anything else you escalate this to in the future, you are totally disrespecting yourself, and his girlfriend.

Also, I don't rush to the computer to talk to him as soon as I get home. We both have really busy lives and only manage to chat a couple of times a week.

Oh? Do you make dates to chat at certain times or do you open up your linkedin immediately and wait with baited breath until he can steal away from his gf to try and get you to show him the goods?

We have decent conversations about anything and everything, it was only yesterday in the last 5 minutes it got out of hand. I was just asking advice on how to bring up the whole "hey, you have a girlfriend and shouldn't be asking for photos of me" thing.

We know what you were asking but the rest of your post reveals what you really want.

As I said, you're on a slippery slope to becoming the other woman and losing your joy to this guy when he keeps you on the hook while he continues on in his relationship with his longterm girlfriend.. and you're just naive and in denial enough to allow it ot happen.

[smackie9]

I doubt his relationship with his GF is "THAT BAD" or he would have left her by now. Never believe a flirting guy, when he tells you his relationhsip is on the rocks.....it's a lie to lure you into thinking what he is doing is justifiable. Do yourself a favor and drop all contact from this douche. Why would you want to be involved with a guy that is willing to emotionally cheat on his GF....you can see already how far this guy is willing to go. You would be a fool to keep this up and you know it.

[smackie9]

To add the feelings are intoxicating, but there will be a time when you have to come down when you find out this guy is finished having his fun with you.