I`m extremely confused, please help :(

[DieselX]

HI to all of you!
What i`m about to say might sound crazy, but it`s as true as possible...

So 2 years ago i met this girl, online, and everything was fine, we are different nationalities, but even despite that we met, and had a beautiful relationship. I couldn`t see her very often, due to the fact that i was still living in another country, but when i visited her, everything was perfect. Now, the problem started when we ware communicating online, because she always was a bit ignorant online, and i was always getting angry for that and started huge fights, but despite that she bared me till now...i also need to mention that i said some words that might have hurt her, or so, the thing is that she is very shy, and not so confident in herself, and i think the words that i said, made her feel even worse..
Anyway, despite all those things, we kept being together, since 2010...
But now comes the biggest problem....at th end of 2012, i spent 1 month at her house, being with her, and, to be honest i was a major jerk, but she was also treating me very bad, without a reason, which let to huge fights again, meaning that in 4 weeks, 3 we slept in separate rooms... In January i left, and we continued fighting via internet, for like another 1.5 months or so, til we decided it`s better to take a break and see what happens, we both agreed on it, but second day, she messaged me, asking if i still wanna go to that concert that we planned before our fight, and i accepted, because i knew the bad things that i did, and i wanted to make her happy by going with her to the concert.
So the time came, and i visited her again for the concert, now when i got to her place, i wanted to talk things out, face to face, and she accepted, but she said that she isn`t ready for a lifetime relationship, and that she really doesn`t know what to do... I accepted that too, and the 2nd day we went to the concert, now when we got back (that was Sunday), i told her that Monday i`ll leave, and she asked me to stay with her till next week, so i did, and things worked out extremely perfect, except that sexual life wasn`t so...intense anymore. (but that`s not the problem for me right now).
The week flew by, and i had to leave again...we continued chatting, in a very nice, warm, and calm manner, like never before, until yesterday when i asked her again about her feelings for me, and about how she sees our relationship, because she seemed even more distant that before....
Her answer was this "I still don`t know if i`m ready to have a lifetime relationship, and i love you, but not so much as before, but that doesn`t mean i can`t get to love you like before in the future" ...
Now i have to mention, that despite the fact that she said "i love you", even since i know her, she was never ready to sacrifice herself, or to fight for our love, and that always made me confused, plus that yesterday her shower was much more important than giving me another 10 minutes to finish what i had to say, and in the evening it was even worse, making it sound that i`m the one who doesn`t let her go to bed...
So now...due to the fact that i honestly can`t live like this anymore, without knowing what`s on her head tomorrow, i decided for a break, i told her yesterday about it, and her reaction was "...", i don`t honestly know if she believed me or not, because she knows very well that i love her more than everything on this earth...

Now my question is, why does she do that if she love me? Why doesn`t fight for our love? Does she really love me, or i`m just an obsession for her?
I really love her, and this break will kill me, also i`m not ready to lose her, so ...please, any advice would be welcome...I would also like to know what girls think about this, and if you have a question about something that i forgot to write , PM me, or ask in the comment section.

Thank you all!

[Wakeup]

You guys hardly ever see one another and you still can't get along. People love people all the time that they just don't belong with.. they think its love when all it is, is codependent addiction and fear of being alone. How can you even think for one minute that the two of you would be able to maintain a drama free, barely arguing existence with one another if you were seeing each other on a regular basis or living together.

What you have with her isn't love, it certainly isn't functional love anyway. I suggest you agree with and and tell her that you yourself are not ready for any kind of relationship "lifelong" or otherwise and that you think it's best you went your separate ways. After that, don't contact her through skype or internet or text or anyother means of communicating so that the two of you can get over your 'addiction' to one another.

Neither of you were meant to be with one another or to have to tolerate anymore of these dysfunctional meetings with one another.

[DieselX]

Damn, i`ve just reported your post thinking it`s the reply button...also including the text...

Well look, i think i made myself pretty clear in all i said above, you just talk like we ware wrong even from the start of it all. All i wanna know is why is she acting like that, i don`t wanna hear about breaking up, because i do know my feelings, and i made the difference between love and obsession a long time ago.
She always wanted me closer, and now that i finally am, she became distant, that`s what i wanna know, why? why does she act like that, and ok, let`s say i forget the idea of a lifetime relationship, because that`s to be decided on the way, but she doesn`t even wanna move with me, and that`s what confuses me...

Anyway, i take your answer as what she feels for me is an obsession, and not love.

[Wakeup]

Anyway, i take your answer as what she feels for me is an obsession, and not love.

yes or more likely, she's just too weak to actually just admit you aren't good together and she's just afraid to actually let go for good.

What makes you keep trying when it's so clear that you're not very good as a couple?

[DieselX]

What makes you keep trying when it's so clear that you're not very good as a couple?

The fact that i love her extremely, and the fact that when things ware good between us, she made me feel like no one else ever did... Plus the fact that she is very insecure, and i thought that if i support her, i`ll make her feel more secure, and also the fact that i have a hope that she loves me, and by making her gain her confidence, she could approve my thought, but...now i came to a point where i agree with you, maybe all that she felt was obsession....

Anyway, now...as i mentioned, i decided for a break, and the only thing i`ll do now, is to wait, and see if she comes back or not.

[Wakeup]

The fact that i love her extremely,

Love is action based. What, besides sex, does she show you in actions that would make you "love her extremely?"

and the fact that when things ware good between us, she made me feel like no one else ever did

You didn't spend any other time with her except for holiday here and there where she made you feel good due to the sex and then you argued. You didn't spend all the time together like close distance lovers do and you still aren't able to go without arguing and her being rude and you taking offence and having to indure all the drama.

... Plus the fact that she is very insecure, and i thought that if i support her, i`ll make her feel more secure,

Google "White Knight" syndrome so that you educate yourself. You can't fix her with your "love" or anything else you do. She has to work on her sense of self-worth from within. Guys with white knight syndrome fall for women like Marilyn Munroe who was the poster child for boarderline personality disorder which stems from having not emotionally matured because of childhood abuse/issues/family dysfunction.

and also the fact that i have a hope that she loves me, and by making her gain her confidence, she could approve my thought, but...now i came to a point where i agree with you, maybe all that she felt was obsession....

Sad as it is, I'm glad you're coming to a point where reality is setting in. People leave people they love everyday when it's not healthy to stay together. Think of people who have been cheated on.. they still love the person they're leaving but they realize that it will never work out now that that betrayal has taken place. Or: Spouses of alcholics that leave the man/woman they love because to stay would mean living in dysfunction and the pain everyday.

Anyway, now...as i mentioned, i decided for a break, and the only thing i`ll do now, is to wait, and see if she comes back or not.

Well, for what it's worth, I think you've done the right thing but I'll caution you not to have done it as a means of getting her back but rather a means of getting over her. If you are having this much trouble now, while you're not even living together, it would surely only get worse if you were.

Good luck, I hope you get over her quickly and find someone who you don't have to caretake who is close by and who you don't have many arguements with.

[DieselX]

Love is action based. What, besides sex, does she show you in actions that would make you "love her extremely?"

The fact that outside internet she is very affectious, caring, and she really knows how to cheer me up. And i skip the sex part, because i`l talking about emotional feelings here, not physical contact.

You didn't spend any other time with her except for holiday here and there where she made you feel good due to the sex and then you argued.

True, but i did visit her every time for like a week, every 1 and a half months, i again skip the sex part, because i see that`s all you talk about like i`m sexually obsessed, and that`s all i want. If it would have been about sex, even a hooker would have made me feel good, right?
And i need to add that maybe it is my fault why she really is like that now, or i don`t know, i was a major asshole in the past.

Guys with white knight syndrome fall for women like Marilyn Munroe who was the poster child for boarderline personaly disorder which stems from having not emotionally matured.

I think you skip the topic here, and i don`t know what`s your opinion about the human mind, or how you see things, but i assure you that a person that knows how to talk to you, and help you get your self confidence back, is 100000x better than those useless psychiatrists who do nothing but to listen to you, and to make a lousy junky out of you, addicted to some pills that do nothing more, beside starting the placebo effect.

Or: Spouses of alcholics that leave the man/woman they love because to stay would mean living in dysfunction and the pain everyday.

Well if you don`t try to help that person, and you become mad about it , and leave, you`ll never know if that person could get better or not, and maybe it`s wrong, but i do not walk out on people when i see they need me the most, and that`s what i tried to do, to help her, but now it`s only up to her weather she still wants me or not, i gave her time now, she can think, i`ve became kinda...neutral to this, so no matter what`s her decision, i think i`ll be ok, hopefully...

I think you've done the right thing but I'll caution you not to have done it as a means of getting her back but rather a means of getting over her.

Well i just told her to think very good weather she still wants me in her life or not, right now it`s up to her, as i said, whatever decision she take, i won`t disagree with it, BUT, if she comes back, i`m expecting some major changes in her behavior, and her definition of the word "love", otherwise, she can go back where she came from, i`m really at the end of my wits, and i`m not going to act soft anymore....

Well thank you, but i still need some time to get her out of my head, meanwhile, i`ll just wait to see her decision.

[Wakeup]

Of course you don't just get up and leave, everyone tries to convey to their partner what they would like them to (for example) stop drinking, but once it's clear that they're not going to, that is when they leave. To keep trying and trying and never seeing any changes is what I'm talking about. That is when people who love someone still leave because to
stay is unhealthy for the non-alcoholic.

True, but i did visit her every time for like a week, every 1 and a half months, i again skip the sex part, because i see that`s all you talk about like i`m sexually obsessed, and that`s all i want. If it would have been about sex, even a hooker would have made me feel good, right?

I'm asking you what she does to make you feel good other than the sex. I'm also pointing out that the more time you spent with her, the more you tended to argue. In otherwords you're not good as a couple in general.

And i need to add that maybe it is my fault why she really is like that now, or i don`t know, i was a major asshole in the past.

from what you describe, she was no better.



Anyway, you donm't want to hear why you should stay broken up and you will obviously try again with her but from what you describe. You are in an unhealthy relationship where you try to caretake and fix a woman and you think you're better equipped at getting her on the right track then a professional would be so i wish you good luck in your efforts. Just keep in mind that doing the samething over and over again and expecting different results is a terrible habit to get into when it comes to looking after your own emotional health.

[DieselX]

I don`t know, the way she is, haven`t you ever encountered someone that made you feel so perfect? And i`m not talking about friends.

I'm asking you what she does to make you feel good other than the sex. I'm also pointing out that the more time you spent with her, the more you tended to argue.

I honestly don`t know if i haven`t made myself understood, or if you misunderstood me. The time we spent together in the beginning was great, but the fights withing the chats, ware carried by her in real life as well, and maybe even by me, but for the fact that i did said things that hurt her, so i guess she wanted revenge, or just to make me feel as i made her feel, dunno, but what i`m trying to say, is that for the last 3 weeks, things have been excellent, i spent a week at her place, and it was everything like a fresh start, full of affection, and not even a small argue, also since i left till yesterday everything went great, but as i said, the action that i took is due to the fact that she still doesn`t know weather i should be in her life or not (and i can not tolerate that any longer), not because we fight, we didn`t fight since 3 weeks ago.

And yes, i am aware of the possible emotional colaps, but honestly, if i could manage to make her a stronger person, i`d be happy, even tho she maybe decide to leave afterwards. (If you wonder why would i do that, the answer is very simple : Others helped me, when i was really losing it )

Anyway, the story in the post, was just to give people an idea of what`s it about, my biggest question is not weather i should still be with her or not, but why is she acting like the way she`s acting? That`s the question i want an answer for.

Oh, and yes, as I said, i love her, and i would give her another chance, if she decides that i`m the one for her, and she comes prepared to fight for our relationship.

[Wakeup]

Anyway, the story in the post, was just to give people an idea of what`s it about, my biggest question is not weather i should still be with her or not, but why is she acting like the way she`s acting? That`s the question i want an answer for.

Simply: I think it's because she's realizing that you're not good together for the long term and the full time. Right now, as I've said, you're just together part-time and you often don't get along amicably.

[Wakeup]

further to above: You've gotten some ideas from me. Maybe if you want others to join in and give you some other kinds of suggestions you should delete this thread and start from scratch. I'll stay out of your new thread unless there is something new I think to add.

Good luck.

[DieselX]

Simply: I think it's because she's realizing that you're not good together for the long term and the full time. Right now, as I've said, you're just together part-time and you often don't get along amicably.

Honestly i often thought about that, and i also asked her, but she keeps on saying "i don`t know" that`s her answer for every question, regarding our relationship, and yes, i am aware that if that`s the case, i can`t do a thing about it, but to let time heal the wounds...

Anyway, thank you, and i`ll think weather i should make another post or not. I`ll see what comes next and if i`ll need to post something new.
Thanks again!

[basilandthyme]

My own view is that love shouldn't be fought for. If love is so difficult to maintain that it requires a large amount of work, then it's not meant to be. When you've got a good relationship, love just happens. Sure, you have to care for and nurture the relationship, but nothing as extreme as fighting to make it work.

And what's this about you wanting her to sacrifice herself to maintain love? Love shouldn't cause us to sacrifice the things which are important to us. In a good relationship, love should be able to co-exist around the things which we want and need in our lives.

As for what this girl is thinking....I think she used to love you but not anymore. She may not have even admitted to herself that the love has gone. I suspect she doesn't really want to continue, but lacks the courage to actually end it.

[dem862]

The longer I live, the more I realize that love means different things to different people, like the concept of God. Everybody thinks they know, but then nobody really even knows if it exists. In the end it comes down to what works or doesn't work for you.