Break up so we can be friends?

[damien1993]

I just wanted to know how many people has successfully remained or became friends with their ex after a breakup?

This is a long story so i won't bother with it.. But i want to know people's experiences.. I DONT WANT PEOPLE TELLING ME IT WILL NEVER WORK AND THATS THE END OF IT... BS!! If you have an opinion feel free to express it but back it up with a PERSONAL experience.. I need an idea of what i can expect, what not to do, what i can do to make it easier.. Anything and everything.. Were there any experiences which ended up in successfully getting back together as a couple (although that's not exactly my aim i would still like to know).. Was it tough dealing with the other dating again etc.. Everything you can..

I still love her and i know i will love her forever (no im not some cheezy romantic dudd).. I say this because there were many brief periods we were together, either with friends, or by ourselves where i took a step back and anylised what we had.. And it wasn't just a romantic love.. But the kind of love you feel for a very close friend.. I'm very spiritual and i honestly believe we were either friends or lovers in a past life.. I know there's a fine line between the two, but i still need her in my life if only as a friend, because there were experiences we shared and things we went through that have bonded us so close that i can't imagine my life without her in it.. Not because i need her to for fill my life, but just because i feel like something is missing when she's not in it.. I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW i'm sounding like a romantic dudd but i assure you this is a lot more than that..

We are both in the grieving stage at the moment (we broke up a few days ago).. And i'm sure later down the track when the hurting stops she will want to keep contact with me.. We havn't ended on bad terms, although i know i hurt her really bad (i initiated it), we both knew things just wern't working as a couple..

I really don't know how things will pan out but i look at it this way.. I could easily talk to one of my exes today and be reminded of all the good things we shared but those romantic feelings would be gone.. I would be able to start a friendship as long as the other is willing..

Please share your thoughts and experiences and my apologies if there are similar threads.. I couldn't find them..

[smackie9]

I only stayed friends with one ex, but we only dated for a few months, and he was part of a social circle I was hanging with. All my long term BF's ....no f ucking way was getting back with them a good idea. The relationships ended for a reason, and there was definitely no good reason to remain friends....ew! I had better things to do with my life.

[Cerby]

I've never remained friends with a single one, even the ones who we friends before we dated. Good luck with this intention, but once the emotions and fog clear, you'll realize this plan to be friends is guided by your feelings for her, and not a genuine friendship desire.

[basilandthyme]

I've never remained friends with an ex. I've never really wanted to. However, I did re-connect with an ex about 20 years after we broke up. We are now very casual aquaintances.

I am curious as to how you intend to manage future girlfriends when you've got an ex who means this much to you. Likewise, if she does want you in her life, how will her future boyfriends feel about you being a close friend? You might fluke a good relationship with the ex and both find new partners who are cool with it....but it's a long shot.

[michelle23]

Ive tried to stay friends with one ex-never again. The only reason he wanted to be friends was because he wanted me back and there was no way in hell I was going back. I stayed friendly with him out of guilt for hurting him when I ended the relationship and he was upset. We never met in person again but once a month hed text me to see how I am and wed exchange a few messages-just being friendly but then hed always bring up the idea of us "getting back together" and no matter how many times I told him it was never gonna happen-he still kept trying to talk to me. It was stressful and annoying and it went on for about 2 years where he just wouldnt take no for an answer and I was too nice to tell him to leave me alone but in the end I had to tell him not to contact me again coz we will never be friends and never get back together.

I would never again stay friends with an ex for that reason.

[Boisdevie]

I've never stayed friends with a single one of my exes. I really don't see the point. I already have friends.

[Lissy0404]

I only remain friends with two ex. One was my boyfriend for 2 months, and he was the most kind and sweet man to me. True is our friendship was not that real, because he told me later that even years pass by he had feelings for me. My second "friend" ex, was my boyfriend for a month. And he was a very good friend of my best friends. So we kind of made it work out.

[VincenzoG91]

Once she starts dating somebody new, you will be wracked with jealousy and you will realize that you can't be her friend anymore. It will never work and that's the end of it.

[ashley89]

it rarely ever works out, I know that's not what you want to hear but it's true. I've heard of a few cases of it working out a long way's down the road, but most breakups are not "mutual" and one person is still left with more feelings than the other. it just doesn't work, how can you go from loving someone to just being a friend? and like Vince said, when she dates someone new it's gonna kill you on the inside.

[amy37]

Damien,

I know a ton of people who are still friends today that were more in the past.

I think the key elements to staying friends are

1) Giving yourselves the time for both of you to heal and move on. This is tested out, when you see them with someone new and no feelings of jealously are aroused.

2) setting boundries on your friendship so it doesn't effect your current relationship with the one your with. Both you and her. Putting your girlfriend above your friendship first.

3) remembering that it didn't work out, and it still won't if you got back together. So don't go fantasizing about what could have been.

Hope this helped Damien, best of wishes.

[damien1993]

Thankyou for the responses.. I can understand where you all are coming from..
@ amy37 : That was the plan i was thinking of taking.. Because i know it will be impossible to do it at the moment.. Given a few months i think we can regain contact and slowly make sure everything is OK with each other to persue a friendship..

You never know what will happen but like what @basilandthyme said, my image of what i hope to happen is unrealistic.. I think it is Possible but its a 'long shot'..

And this is the hardest thing for me to deal with..
When i met her we were 17, she was living at home but had problems in the family.. Her mother was very overprotective, to the point of abuse and threats.. Her real father left at a young age and she doesn't know who to believe when it comes to his reasons for leaving.. I think she finds it very hard to trust easily and can look at life negatively because of living her whole childhood and most of her adolescent life in this hell where im guessing it was very hard to express herself for fear of abuse.. And i guess her thought patterns of pessimism and negitivity carried on to her current life.. Because she has no siblings to talk to, and she's the kind of girl who has a strong pride so she doesn't like expressing how she feels very much.. She'd rather be in solitude and get over it herself without even mentioning what upset her.. All of her friends have abandoned her and she has no one but me and a few of my friends who have all become a group.. AND I HATE IT BECAUSE I SAID FOR THEM TO STAY AWAY FROM ME AND HANG WITH HER SO SHE'S NOT LONELY AND EVERY DAY THAT GOES BY KILLS ME MORE AND MORE.. I've been with her through all the problems she had, from moving into a refuge, to moving out, we lived together for a year, until she could get a place of her own, constant battles with her mum over a joint account, helping her with every step along the way.. Dealing with issues with her closest friend (which they are no longer friends).. I've shown her what life is really like because her mother closed her off from the world.. Everything was always been pretty sweet between us except when she got into this negative frame of mind, and it just felt like all the hard work i put in to making things alright just came crashing down.. And this was one of our main problems.. She couldn't talk to me properly about how she felt, about something i did to upset her, or something that happened at work, etc.. And it would just get out of hand from there.. The thing is before this happened she was slowly getting better at talking to me and i could see that she was making an effort but i dunno, i guess i jumped the gun a bit..

I obviously still want her back.. Because after reading most of these responses, it's clear that this is gonna be an all or nothing situation.. But theres just so many factors that i feel are unresolved and could be done better, but i dunno how long it will take, if they ever do get resolved.. I don't know what to do.. I wasn't even 100% sure if i wanted to break up at the time because our emotions were running high.. But ive done this a few times and i dunno if i should go back, or wait for her (like i said she has very strong pride and doesn't give in to emotions easily)... So i know she won't run back to me.. She never has, but ironically (and i know what you're all going to think) i know she loves me deeply, she's not good at expressing it.. But she's getting better.. F*** I DUNNO WHAT TO DO!!!

This is probably the wrong forum to be writing this and im sorry for that, but as u can see i'm completely lost.. We didn't leave on bad terms but i don't think it was mutual either.. Im pretty sure she understands why i left because i'm good at expressing how i feel about certain things.. I just don't know if it's worth going back.. I fu**** myself over and i've probably damaged it beyond repair this time.. I don't know what to do.. It'e easy for people to say it's bad, move on, she doesn't matter, you'll find someone else.. But it's not like that at all.. I've grown so close to her as she has with me, and i feel like i can keep going, but im just so uncertain about where it's all going or what will happen, whichever path i take.. My only concern is weather she'll be in my life or not... HELP! :'(

[Valixy]

I think that her internal and external complicated circumstances inevitably affected too much the love relationship you both had and even you on a personal level. I think you bravely tried for a long time to make both things work, her reality as a person and the romantic aspect between you too. Unfortunately there are aspects in people's lives that no matter how much support is given, they need years to improve, like a relationship with their family, emotional issues and until that happens they will seem to sabotage every new element that appears. I think you felt that you had to make a choice and sacrifice one of two aspects because the intensity of the situation was becoming unbearable. Most people would have been drained of all their love having to endure so much stress for their loved one. But it's not your case, you simply couldn't keep on fighting on both fronts all the time. I think you have taken a healthy decision, to try to detach, becoming a friend. It really isn't your fault that you can't fix her reality so that she can be as happy as you would like her to be in order to have a happy relationship together. Some things belong to the individual alone and until certain personal aspects aren't solved, one can't indeed meet another one half way and maybe one shouldn't either. I hope you will soon find your peace, still be friends if that's how things will work out for both of you and have a new fresh start in life. I think you deserve it and so does she.

[IndiReloaded]

More friendly and professional than friends. But we have a child we co-parent, so it's necessary.

[damien1993]

@valixy Thank you for your insight.. I don't know why but it made me feel better.. Except i'm disapointed because i know eventually she'll heal, i don't know if it will take months or years. And i'm not ready to make that type of commitment due to uncertainty.. I need 100% yes or no to make decisions..

I contacted her not long ago.. Telling her i made a mistake, and that this doesn't feel right.. I was so sure about my decision at the time to break it off but in the past few days since then, i can't seem to let go of the fact that i havn't done enough.. I don't know why.. Im drained but when i stand to lose her i do anything i can to keep her.. WTF is wrong with me!!! I feel like a child who doesn't know wtf he wants..

I guess im gonna wait for a response, if she wants to work through it, i'll give it another go..
If she wants to give up, then at least i know she's willing to move on.. And in turn i can move on too..

Should have listened to all those adults when i was kid, telling me love isn't easy..

[Valixy]

Damien, if there is an aspect I find problematic in your relationship, it's that she has lost her romantic interest for you and maybe substituted it with some kind of family bond. Only natural taking in consideration how no one in her family stood up for her and you played such an important part in her new life. But...this new sentimental perspective is hurting you!

Sometimes you worry that she can't communicate with you because she hasn't learnt to fully trust you yet. I think the opposite. I think that at this point in her personal evolution, her most intimate and genuine way of communicating is by coming across a little bit cold, distant and insensitive. Like the child that tries to behave himself in front of strangers but throws a tantrum and acts disrespectfully with his mother. Obviously we all want a relationship where we can be comfortable and not have to put on a mask, but this would only work in the long run if the intimate self that we reveal has been through a growing process and learnt some kind of self control, which would mark the difference between supporting on the other one occasionally or simply abandoning ourselves by placing all our emotional weight.

I wonder if all the love and support you gave her and helped her through her most difficult times, might have not slightly turned you into a supportive figure for her that consciously or unconsciously she ends up taking for granted. She doesn't feel that she has to win your love too because you've always been there for her unconditionally and you need love just as much as she does, or you might end up developing some emotional problems yourself!

I don't know if this a good moment for her to have a love relationship anyway, she might be better concentrating on building herself as a person first, and you could do with some time for yourself too brave man, as you are both extremely young. One great sign of her immaturity is that she doesn't seem to be capable to appreciate your many efforts and concentrates on the negative, instead of feeling responsible as well for the situation and do or say something positive about it. And the last thing she should do is to resent you for her personal lack of friends, stimulating activity, credit phone, etc. You simply don't deserve it and her childhood history does not apply here. This is sefishness and lack of love for you.

This relationship is becoming exhausting for you and I believe that the main reason for this is that you have stopped receiving the love you need from her. This is what truly brings you and both of you down. If you felt you were given that love, if you still had that romance, that passionate connection, well, combined with your energy and dedication, there would be no aspects of this relationship that you couldn't address and improve, no doubt! In that case you would be doing it together actually. It must be a give and take interaction and no matter how much you love someone, or what that person has been through, the love ingredient is indispensable and you have no right to forget about yourself or things might easily become dysfunctional.

Maybe she has lost the spark and the way you two connect has changed too much. Sometimes when a person totally relies on the other one too soon in the relationship, or one of them just spends too much time being negative, they just can't easily go back to how they used to be or change to a new different relationship dynamic. Even the most special relationships can reach a point where they have run their course and learning to let go can be one of the most difficult things to learn in life. It sometimes even requires more courage than continuing to fight.