I'm strugging with anxiety and I don't know why. PLEASE help me out.

[Matt8642]

I'm having some tough issues with my relationship right now... I came here in search of help because I'm lost and can't seem to figure it out on my own. First I think I should give some background information. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 3 months now, although we've known each other for a year and a half. We're both 20 years old. She friendzoned me until recently, when I decided to give it one last shot, and we finally began dating. Our relationship has flourished since then, and by now she truly and honestly loves me unconditionally, and she's done nothing wrong, literally. Every man's dream, right? For some reason I'm having issues and I can't figure it out.

The first two months of our relationship were great, before I started having issues of my own. I was living the dream, because I completely conquered the friendzone and landed the girl of my dreams... I've even written a few songs about her and performed them to her... Now I get anxiety about our relationship, and I can't figure it out. It's so bad that it causes me to feel like I should pull away from her, maybe break up with her, and it scares the hell out of me. It even interrupts my sex drive and ability to get in the mood sometimes. I'll say right now that this should not be happening because she's extremely attractive. I'm not just saying this, she really is a 10. She's more attractive than me, and out my league I'd say, physically. She's smart too, which doesn't usually go hand in hand. She loves me unconditionally by now (and said it's the best relationship she's had in her life), and she always wants to have sex. She's attached to me but not controlling, the long-term emotional aspect is there for her, she does cute things for me, she's as loyal as a golden retriever, and she said she'd be happy if she could spend every day of her life with me... I feel like I'm super lucky and that most guys would kill to be in my situation.


I get anxiety to the point where I consider breaking up with her to stop it. Then I feel trapped, because I know it would be ruining a situation in life that is so extremely rare to even happen, and might not ever happen again. The extremely beautiful, intelligent girl who previously friendzoned me is now in love with me and says I'm the center of her world... Then there's the aspect that I would be leaving her extremely heartbroken. As far as she's concerned, I'm the one. Although she isn't rushing for marriage or anything. I have to say, the last thing I expected was for her to become this attached to me. And that might be what's causing my anxiety about our relationship, but I don't know for sure. I don't feel like I should feel this way, because she's technically done nothing wrong.

It's so strange to me that her level of attachment might be causing me to push her away. It's like my brain is sabotaging a perfectly good relationship. Before I started having these issues, I've been completely crazy over her. A theory of mine is that I'm having trouble coping with being wanted so much. It's safe to say that she is more attached to me than I am to her, even though this is the farthest I've ever been in a relationship and I've never loved anyone as much as I love her. Maybe my defense mechanisms are reacting to a big change in my life. These feelings are new to me, and I guess I don't always understand them (or else I wouldn't be here asking for help).

I'm hoping this is a phase, because I want to be able to love her like I did before I started having these issues. It really bothers me that it's affecting my sex drive, when she is the most beautiful woman I've met, and I have no attraction for anyone else.



Ideally, I want to be able to resolve these issues I'm having, and go back to an awesome relationship with her. I feel like breaking up with her would make things feel much worse... I would be so grateful for help with this. You are good people for devoting time to a forum like this.

[basilandthyme]

I suspect that her degree of passion is scaring you. Could it be too much, too soon? Calling you 'the one' after only three months is rather foolish. Does she not realise that she needs to get to know you over a period of time before making such declarations.

You speak of her having unconditional love for you. But this is really unhealthy. And unconditional love after only 3 months is downright scary. Just to be clear, unconditional love means 'loving without conditions'. It means loving someone no matter what they do. With the exception of parent-child relationships - we should all have conditions as to how we are treated. If she really will put up with all types of crap from you, then perhaps it is her lack of boundaries which worries you. Love really shouldn't be given without being respected, cared for, listened to etc etc.

Perhaps her level of attachment is scaring you. Do you feel that she'd break apart if you left? While it's great to be wanted, it's not good to be 'needed'.

yep, I can see why you're worried.

[Matt8642]

While I realize it's been only three months, it feels as if we've been dating for longer. Probably due to the fact that we've known each other for over a year and a half. Still, I'm not trying to defend her. She hasn't actually said "you're the one", and I think she knows it might scare me, but her phrases are clear enough to let me know that this is indeed how she feels.


I guess I'm not sure if it's considered "unconditional love" if you put it that way. Maybe I should have chosen the words "very powerful love". We don't really fight at all honestly, and she doesn't really have any crap to put up with from me, or me from her. We listen and respect each other, and try to resolve any issues quickly. But as far as her degree of love goes, she's said things like: "I don't think you quite comprehend the degree of how much I love you." "I've never loved anyone as deeply as this before." and "I'd be happy if I could spend the rest of my life as content as this."

I guess I do fear that she'd break apart if I left her. I also fear that I'd break apart too, and feel a lot worse than I do now, when this might just be a phase that I'm going through and could overcome.

[michelle23]

You think shes out of your league. That is the problem. You are feeling insecure which causes anxiety. You need to boost your self-esteem and believe you are good enough!

Also take all those things she says about unconditional love blah blah blah with a pinch of salt. It is early days-you are both infatuated. All the words right now mean nothing. Its just a daydream and a fantasy coz life seems so perfect and beautiful and romantic. But you wont really know if this is real or not for a few more years so just go with the flow. Its okay to talk about the future, daydream together and make plans, even talking about kids or marriage is ok too. Just dont take it as a promise coz there is always a chance that this wont work out.

Try to relax, enjoy the experience and hope that it all does work out

[Matt8642]

While of course I'll heed your advice and appreciate all of your words, my self-esteem isn't the issue. She's more physically attractive than I am, yes, but it doesn't cause me to think I'm not good enough. She finds me very attractive, and I do think I deserve her. I treat her wonderfully.

I'm just not sure what steps to take next if I keep feeling this anxiety about our relationship. I want to learn how to deal with this defense mechanism and overcome the issues I'm having so that I can go back to having a great relationship with her. I don't feel like breaking up with her would solve anything, even though my defense mechanisms and anxiety urge me in that direction sometimes. It's hard for me to talk to her about this, because if it's her level of attachment that is causing issues for me, I can't really tell her to tone down her feelings. She's technically done nothing wrong, but I guess that doesn't rule out that her actions of powerful love and attachment might be causing this anxiety for me. But I'm still not sure of the exact cause or how to deal with this...

[cool hwhip]

You say its not your self-esteem, yet you are worried and anxious about your future with her which is a good sign of lack of confidence. Try being more positive, things are going very well and there is nothing to worry about. I bet you have a lot of other things to worry about than that in your age, so don't get over-consumed with it and go on with your study/work of whatever your life goals are. There is no urgent immediate need to take any steps, don't overthink it!

[Matt8642]

If i do have a lack of confidence, then I suppose it would be a lack in confidence towards a future with her. While she might think I'm "the one", I don't know if she's "the one". Maybe that's part of what's scaring me? I don't really know... Of course I'm not even close to thinking about marriage or anything, but I never date someone if I can't see a possibility of it happening. I've never been in a relationship with short-term intentions, although this is my longest running constant relationship so far.

[nolagirl]

Hi Matt -

Reading this over, my strongest impression is that some part of you feels like "this is too good to be true! it can't last/I'm so scared of losing it." This might even be kind of a subconscious thing. Seriously. Sometimes we start looking for reasons to be bad or nitpick or get this anxiety because we're so afraid of losing the very thing we love, and it's scary because we can't control what or who we love...but we can control our actions + words. So we start thinking about - or actually doing or saying - things that could damage it or distance ourselves from it....because if we break it or end it before anything else does, well, it's reassuring on some WEIRD level to us because we can blame ourselves.

I know that all sounds wacky, but I think it can be true. It's like you're not used to so much goodness, and you kinda panic! :-)

I do think it all sounds very intense - there are some great highs from that but also some lows + scary places...I think if you can keep a handle on how you're feeling + ask yourself "why am I feeling like this?" and WRITING STUFF DOWN before trying to talk about anything is really helpful... not only to sort out your own feelings but to make sure what you want to present in conversation is not only accurate/honest but not self-sabotaging.

I hope that helps! I think you're in a great position - just remember to breathe. :-)

[Matt8642]

Well here's an update on my situation, and it's all positive. :)

I'm not really sure how, but I seem to have pulled out of whatever anxiety I had about my relationship. I've never been in a relationship as serious as this one in my life, and I think these new and intense feelings were causing me trouble since I didn't really know how to deal with them. Nolagirl, as strange as it sounds, what you said made the most sense to me. If I had listened to that defense mechanism and actually acted upon it, I would be in a hurtful and terrible situation right about now. I'm so glad I decided just to stick with it and just relax... I was in a very dark place, but I have to say that I am a happy person now, and I am enjoying any time I get to spend with my girlfriend :) It appears as if this was a phase for me. I just hope it doesn't come back, but I have no intention of worrying about it.

Thank you all for your support. Again, you are very kind people to devote your time to helping people like this.

[Matt8642]

Perhaps my update was a bit premature. I felt absolutely great for about a week, without a worry in the world, but my anxiety has returned... I have no idea what triggered it again, and there doesn't even seem to be a specific cause. I feel that there's really no need for me to feel anxious, yet I do. It doesn't make sense to me, yet it's tearing away at me once again. I need to figure out a way to cope with this defense mechanism and be positive so that it doesn't interfere with my relationship. I feel that if I don't find a way to overcome this, it would affect any future relationships I'd have as well...