When to Give in?

[BubbleFizz]

I recently had a very heated argument with my boyfriend who I have lived with for the past 3 years. I haven't said a word to him in over 2 days. It was pretty intense. The next morning he came to apologize to me for what he had done and even though it meant a lot because it takes a lot for him to apologize I still feel very hurt and I am battling between standing my ground and having him come to me (I guess I would like him to fight for me) and me approaching him and trying to smooth things over. (which I usually do) I know the silent treatment is not the best solution, but I often start to run my mouth a mile a minute when I feel angry/hurt and I end up pushing him away even more. For me, silence keeps me calm and allows me to think things through.

Since his apology he also has said very little (other than what is necessary, that has nothing to do with the situation)....I feel like he is not trying enough and I am struggling with the feeling of just caving in an collapsing in his arms (so to speak) because I really hate feeling tension. But I know I will be left with the feeling that I gave in first.....again. I know this is not a game....I just want him to in a sense, fight for me, and if I take the next step I feel I will lose this.

I am not sure if this is making any sense to any of you, I may be so wrapped up in this that I am babbling nonsense and can't even see it

Just a bit of a background on this (if it will help)...My boyfriend is very ALPHA male.....I am the total opposite....very feminine (have some "daddy" issues) and more on the submissive side but in no way a door mat. I love the feeling of my man protecting me, keeping me safe and taking care of me. Right or wrong it just works for us. But obviously nothing is perfect

My boyfriend had a very rough upbringing. Father was not in the picture at all and was raised by a mother who took out her anger towards the father on him (being the only son) and physically and emotionally abused him. He has had a hard time trusting women and we have had our battles because of this. But he has a huge heart and I am one of the few lucky ones who have been able to see it.

We first met when we were in our mid teens. Had a little crush but then moved on with our lives only to find each other again 4 years ago. During that first year I had moved out of my previous residence into my new place and after an argument I asked him for the key and asked him not to come by that night as I wanted to be alone. It was the first and only time I saw tears in his eyes. Much later on he opened up and told me that it was the feeling of another woman he loved "throwing him out" (his mother used to lock him out of the house when he was young.....very young!). I was just trying to feel in control of the situation which is why I asked for the key. To this day I know deep down he hasn't forgiven me for that. I know to most this will sound unreasonable, but if you truly understood his past it does make sense even though he needs to surpass that. I have my own issues that need surpassing as well. we all try our best.

Annnnnnnnnnnnny how....I have rambled too much. Just wanted to give you a bit of a history to help you understand and I would love to hear a male perspective on this. Do I just soften and approach him....if so what do I say or maybe just say nothing but let him know I am receptive? Does he expect this because in his eyes he took the first step by apologizing? What would most men like to have happen at this point if they were in this situation (and considering his personality).....any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you!

[VincenzoG91]

You two are in the power struggle phase of the relationship. Eventually, you both need to decide that you would rather be happy than right about everything. Or else break up.

[bearz]

What was the argument about that made you go silent on him for two days?

[michelle23]

He has "mommy issues" you have "daddy issues" go and get individual counselling and then get relationship counselling.

I dont like that term "alpha male" does that mean hes cheating on you? That is always what I think it means

[BubbleFizz]

Thank you for your response. Yes it does feel that way.....I have heard "would you rather be happy or right before" as well and it obviously makes sense that happy should be the winner. Do you have any advice about following steps I can take in this specific situation? What would you like if it were you? (pretending you were the male in this situation). Would really appreciate your advice.

[michelle23]

What were you fighting over? How did he hurt you? We cant really give good advice unless we know the severity of the issues. Are they just minor stupid arguments or are they over serious things?

You want him to "fight for you" to "prove his love" that is wrong. Him being there for you, being a good partner, being affectionate etc should be enough-he shouldnt have to prove anything to you.

And him holding onto the past and still being hurt/angry at you for kicking him out is wrong. Until he lets go of that grudge and forgives you-things wont get better

I seriously recommend relationship counselling

[Cerby]

He opened up by apologizing...he already gave in and attempted to resolve. He now expects you to say or do something that accepts it, or lets it go. Right now, he is probably thinking "I apologized, now what?"

Your move.

[BubbleFizz]

Cerby....thank you! It worked! Just needed an objective opinion and you provided it. I often wish I had a man's brain....you know how to remove the fluff and just get to the core of things. Thanks again.....you saved the day