What shall i do now, move on or wait? Is she playing me?

[jammin]

Hi everyone,

So this is a long story, I shall try and shorten it as much as possible. Thank you to those who took time out to read and answer.

So i was travelling, and ended up flying to a country and my friend introduced me to this girl who would show me around. I met her had a great time with her and her family and then she had to move back to go to uni (she was studying in another country and just back visiting her family at the time i was there). We hit it off and she wanted me to go with her so she purchased flights for me costing around $2000 (after knowing her for 2 days!). I spent time with her then went home. She was really into me but at the time i was not looking for a relationship. Anyway she then flew and met me in europe and then back to the uk to visit where i live.

We had a good time and she wanted to come and move to the uk to be with me. She was in love with me at this point. I was not sure at that point what i wanted, i did not want to hurt her by getting her to change her life for me without me being sure, and this was all moving too fast so i was honest from the start. She said she will wait for me to make my mind up. This was around july. We were in touch but soon it came to october and she was still waiting. We were in touch through this time, we talked and skyped a lot.

she then called me and said she met someone that likes her but she doesnt know what to do as she wants to be with me. I couldnt commit at the time still. So i told her to do what she felt was right (worst decision of my life!!!) come december i know im madly in love with her and miss her like crazy (i would like to point out i never slept with or kissed anyone in this period, i stayed loyal). So i get in touch and she says she still likes me but is with someone now. I tell her i want to try and buy her a ticket to visit so we can be together. she accepted. Then the next day refused and i never heard from her for 2 weeks. She at this point went back to her home country as she finished uni. I decided to be romantic and fly 12 hours and see her to tell her im sorry for hurting her and that i love her. I told her 2 days before i came. i got there and found out the guy she has been seeing has followed her and is in her country with her!! that killed me. we still spent the week together and she did sleep with me while she was with him.

after the week ended i got home things started getting even more complicated. she would call says she cant stop thinking about me, we always speak for hours, then the day after would say it cant work and to not contact her again. then we would go for a month without speaking and she would get in touch again saying she misses, speak for hours then she would go cold turkey on me again! she did this 3 times from jan/march. She then tells me that he got her a ticket to europe as his visa was expiring and had to leave and wanted her to go with him. And she said that she is thinking of coming to see me after. I felt like second best, i said if she wants to see me to come to me and forget him. She said she cant, maybe because the guy dropped everything for her and moved right away she felt like she couldnt let him down? i dont know. i spoke to some girlfriends and they said they would do the same, because he has done so much that even if she cares for me she probably isnt in a position to hurt him. i think if she really cared she would have done the right thing.

anyway now she is in europe with him. i dont know if she wants to see me or how she feels. i dont know if she is stringing me along to just get payback for me hurting her when she was waiting. im totally confused. the tables have now turned and ive got the worse end as she is with someone now! why would she contact me if she was happy with him? all in all we spent about a month and half together (not while apart in other countries) and i know its a short time but i really do love her and am more than ready to settle down and commit.

so i messaged her a few days ago and said that im thinking of her and i hope she is ok (havent spoken in two weeks at this point), got nothing back. I miss her like crazy and want her back but i dont know what she is thinking. she gets me hoping it can happen and then shoots me down. its driving me insane and leading me to become very unhappy.

anyone got any advise. ive been very patient. I dont think she has gotten over me, i havent got over her. She blocked me on facebook then unblocked me 3 days later, and i know she constantly checks up on me. I would change countries to be with her. I told her all of this but i cant get a straight answer back. I havent spoken to her in around 3 weeks now. last text i got nothing back. I dont know what to do anymore. I have never been this depressed and i know its my fault, but i was just not ready at the time as everything moved so quick for me. i was in a 4 year relationship and that ended badly, so i was single for 3 years. i was not ready for this feeling. and i have never felt this down ever.

Someone please advise, she is 24 and im 25.

thanks.

[Valixy]

I think you did the right thing when you gave yourself some time last year as you didn't really knew each other. She was still studying at the time anyway, right? I mean you didn't reject the idea of a relationship with her altogether but the possibility for her to move in with you and start living together right away. I think that she was the one who ruined things between you two by putting that preassure on the relationship, asking for too much to soon. That can be a real turn off for some people and it must have affected you too. Maybe the basic difference between you two is that you tend to reflect on relationships, taking things step by step and are ok with spending some time alone, while she just has to be in a relationship. Most people don't hurry towards marriage like she does and when they are so young. When two people's approach towards relationships are so different, there are many chances that there are many other basic differences between them and things wouldn't work very well in the long run.

I also think you did everything in your power to convince her of your love afterwards. If she had really loved you before she would have been able to leave this guy for you. Also if she had really loved him, she wouldn't have cheated on him with you. I think she doesn't really love any of you. She just wants to have a relationship in her life by all means and she is trying to choose the most suitable one between the two, whatever her criteria may be at the moment. She does seem to prefer him over you but she might end up losing you both. I bet she'll start a third abrupt 'serious' relationship in no time.

You should move on because you deserve to meet someone more similar to you and when you'll find again someone you like and who will be ready to give you both time to know each other and take things step by step, without putting so much preassure on you in weeks of knowing each other, you'll know that's how things should be and enjoy it much more

[jammin]

Thank you for your honest reply, I was thinking that also. She seems to be in a hurry to be in a relationship. She doesnt want to be alone. She was head over heals for me at one point and it scared me which is why I needed the time to see what it is I wanted.

The most annoying thing is that I am still in love with her, I would like to move on but at the same time i dont because i want to see her again.

Her mum wants her to be with me, and keeps telling her that she will lose me, I just need to know what is happening. Shall i get in touch with her again or just leave things be and try and move on. My friends say thats what I should do, but deep down i really dont want too. I am willing to forget she was with someone else, all i want is to get a straight answer from her. How can i do that, it will make my life much easier.

[Valixy]

I think she can't see the effect her behaviour has had on your relationship and that makes her a very unsuitable partner for you or she can't be bothered. Ignorance is dangerous. You just don't ask a guy you've known for a few weeks to move in with him and start living together. Then wait passively for three months and then give him un ultimatum. When a woman REALLY loves a man, she tries to understand him, works towards a relationship with him, becomes his friend and does not put that kind of preassure on him. It's just decency and common sense, really. Also when a woman really loves a man, she may try to go on dates after three months but she can't really connect, it's not that easy to give up on someone you REALLY love.

I think she can be an exciting partner at times but not a deep one and maybe you should try to detach of your feelings and have a proper look at how she handled you and your relationship with you, the absurd all or nothing request when you hardly knew each other and all the confusion that followed. True love is not an objective that needs to be reached within the first weeks or the first three months! Not to mention the other guy who's got the worst part.

You feel that you need a clear answer from her in order to move on but she can't give you one, because she doesn't feel enough love for you or for the other guy. If she really loved you, she'd be able to give you an aswer. If she really loved the other guy, she'd also be able to give you an answer. The answer is somewhere in between, I think. She doesn't really love any of you, but desperately needs a man in her life. This is never enough to really make things work, isn't it? And not exactly the type of woman you'd like to spend your life with, I suppose.

No one really wants to move on while they still have feelings for someone, no one, but everyone discovers it's the right thing when they've had enough and they do it eventually. It's bloody hard but it gets easier in time. No contact rule helps. And something very important starts happening as you move on and you begin to detach of your feelings of love and pain. This only occurs for moments at the beginning, then hours, then days but little by little you're beginning to see that person as she really was, someone who failed to love you in the right way or simply didn't love you enough. And you understand it was all for the better as you deserve more

[jammin]

thank you so much. what you have said makes sense and to be honest I had similar thoughts at the back of mind for a while. I dont want to do this anymore and it does seem like she is a confused child. I hoped that in me taking time to be sure it would make for a better relationship, one where i can give her my all. But i guess she was in such a hurry that she didnt care to think of what could have been between us.

I have to admit i may not have been there for her all the time when she was waiting for me, but i never lied or led her on. I just wish she understood me a little better and realised that the decision i made to fly over and apologise and tell her my feelings was one of the hardest choices i made, i have only ever said i love you to one other girl in all my life. i dont fall in love fast. I dont think she understood just how much she meant to me. I just messaged her and told her that i am moving on and i dont want to wait for her anymore. i told her that its enough and i cant wait while she is in a relationship with someone else and on holiday with him also. I think she has moved on so i have to do the same.

[Valixy]

I think you have been very brave all along and you are doing the right thing by deciding to move on.

If you'll have doubts, remember this, women are very much in contact with their emotions. When a woman REALLY loves a man, she has NO doubts about that. When the feelings are not very deep, or you're just looking for a relationship or entertainment, it's only possible to run after another one so soon and be 'undecided' for months.

And I have to admit I've been touched by how much you tried and everything you said an did. There is nothing else you can do but move on, heal, enjoy life again and give yourself the chance to meet the real one

[jammin]

thank you, i really love her, i just wish i could be the one to make her smile again. this is the hardest thing ive done. live and learn i guess.

[jammin]

I've just found out she is planning on staying with him in Italy for 3 months. I guess that's the decider really. Time I let her go . Worst thing I've ever had to do.

[Valixy]

I suppose you're right and this could be the answer you needed in order to move on. Maybe not the most straight and liberating as an I don't love you answer would be, but if you are wise you'll realise that you have been given one when most needed and this might not be a simple coincidence. It's like reading signs sometimes.

Your story reminds me a little bit of the love story from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, which maybe you know... There's this boy who is totally in love with a girl but he is not in the position to ask her to marry him, he doesn't have the money, he is too young, etc. Also he is about to embark on an amazing journey of self-discovery but he is not very much aware of it. So he keeps thinking of her and all his actions and hopes are directed towards becoming the right man for her, only to find out a year later that she married someone else. It was only when he met the desert girl that he understood he had been directed all the time towards a much greater and happier love that really corresponded to him...

[Kelvinessa]

I think that if you truly love her, you will wait for her. Especially if she is as special as you make her sound..!!

[jammin]

i will always be waiting. i cant switch off my feelings. but i dont even know if she wants me or how she will. she has ignored me and not been in touch. i found out from someone else that she is planning on staying there for 3 months. it seems she is just doing what she wants now without keeping me in mind at all, she seems to have moved on.

[jammin]

I messaged her the other day saying that I hoped things went differently and that I hope she is happy with what she has chosen. I told her that I can not be around while she jet sets of around the world with another guy. It is killing me and making me miserable waiting around when I have no idea what she is thinking or if she even likes me anymore. She has been cold with me and ignoring me. I guess its time for me to try and move on as this has been going on for about 4 months and I have never been soo unhappy. I cant keep doing this to myself. Do you think I did the right thing. Im so lost now and all i want to do is talk to her but i cant. I have to forget i think. I kinda had hopes that this would end like a romantic fairy tale of sorts but i guess nothing ever happens like in the movies. You never know what you had till its gone. I truly believe that now

[Valixy]

In order to move on you need to understand that you didn't miss the opportunity of the great love of your life for some stupid thing you did. You really need to stop blaming yourself and see things as they were and are. *She* missed the opportunity of having *you* by putting you under pressure after weeks of knowing each other, not giving time to really know you as a person and build a relationship with you. If you two had been together for a year or two, I would have agreed with her, asking for more and moving on if you responded negatively but not in that stage of the relationship. She pushed you away and never took responsibility for her actions but acted selfishly and went on accomplishing her immediate objective of being with someone. This is not how things should be and of course your relationship went downhill, *she* ruined it.

I think you did right in messaging her and deciding to move on. She might still like you and have feelings for you but obviously they are not strong enough for her to choose you or for you to continue keeping your hopes of reconciliation. If she really loved you, no guy or trip around the world would stop her from being with you, right? As a matter of fact it would be quite a depressing experience for a woman to move away from her loved one and travel with a new guy while her heart is somewhere else. Even a painful solitude would be less stressing than that perspective. And silence is an answer, a selfish, coward and cruel one, I agree that takes time to learn to recognize and accept it.

You might not be able to see or believe this now, but she is just an object of this great capacity of loving that you have and always will but she was not the right person for you. The right person inspires all these feelings indeed but also waits and give a real chance to a relationship. If she doesn't, she just doesn't have the whole package and she isn't the real thing.

It's time to love yourself now and do the right thing for you and find your tools for moving on, spend time with friends, family, volunteer, look for break up therapy if you feel so, start paying attention again to the things that you like doing or always wanted to do and do them. Fulfill your wishes, travel to a new place, start a course that interests you, meet new people. It will be hard to connect at the beginning but you will feel better in time, I assure you. One day you'll just realise you're free and totally happy with your life again.

[jammin]

wow valixy your advice is really great, wish i could just put you in my pocket haha. Thank you, i do agree with what you say and can see that. Deep down maybe i didnt want to see it, even though i felt something was off but hey when you want someone so much i guess your blind to the negatives.

I thank you for taking your time to help, and I can see that what you are saying does make sense. I will just have to try and forget. Her way of dealing with things and ignoring me is horrible, if only she would just say whats on her mind I would have felt better. I guess she really does enjoy making me suffer. I dont understand why people do this, i never treat people this way, its just not nice and no good comes of it.

I will now try and move on, im not going to contact her again. I really hope things get better and maybe i meet someone new. I dont tend to look for relationships but meeting her has made me realise that I would like to meet someone and settle down. This is something I never thought i wanted, so i have her to thank for that, for opening my eyes and showing me what that feels like. Just for the record I have never felt this way about anyone, not even my ex who i was with for 4 years. But hey, thats life!!

[Valixy]

Yep, when you love someone it's not my way or the high way, especially in the first stage of the relationship and if you don't get what you want you break up and you look for someone else. It's just selfish, inappropriate and unfair. This is what harmed your relationship but she was too busy and concentrated on her objective of being with someone under her complete terms to stop, ponder and do the right thing.

What is she thinking now? Well, whatever that is, it's not enough for you because she doesn't contact with you. It's virtually impossible for a human being to not make contact in a way or another when love is felt. Why? Because it's bloody painful to not do that and you know it. She doesn't share your feelings of love anymore and she is on a different page, hence her capacity to begin and continue a relationship with this guy, knowing that you are ready for her. Her heart is not feeling and aching like yours otherwise you would have known from her, I assure you.

The most important stage in moving on is when you're beginning to feel free to do it. Hopefully it's where you find yourself now. A person who makes you feel so much but is uncapable of a minimium understanding towards you, doesn't give you time, doesn't let things grow naturally and doesn't carry through, well is just a very incomplete partner for you and not the right one. And you are absolutely right, we all grow up and become better people when going through something like this.

Now start taking good care of yourself and making yourself happy, discover and fulfill your passions and wishes, bring new joy and interests in your life, meet new people. Everything else will follow, trust me