I've been given an ultimatum.

[wical]

New to the forums, hello everyone. I know, doesn't exactly sound like a horrible thing to be given an ultimatum. I don't want to fill everyone in with a massive description of loaded details...however I haven't been this conflicted in such a long time and am reaching out for any advice so will try to make this short.

I met this woman in October of 2009. I'm not someone who judges another of their past as long as that past doesn't attack our relationship. We had our first sexual experience together in January 2010. Something felt off, she seemed mad at me and wouldn't hush up about a few men of her past or this "guy in canada she knows". I ended up breaking it off.

She contacts me a month later, we get back together. Things were amazing, she stayed with me during the weekends. Then in July 2010 I get an email containing chat logs this "guy in canada" sent me. Turns out, after our first sexual experience and weekend together... she went home and told this man that she loves him more than me, that I was PHYSICALLY UNATTRACTIVE and lacking in bed. She then proceeded to tell him she wants to suck him off... how great he is, how unshakable he is. There were 4 pages of email chat logs.

So at this point... I sat there shocked. Because, she has been telling me a lie about this man the whole time and not to mention other men she brought up. She had a local contact who would "message her out of the blue" and she would just "delete the messages". When she found out I got the chat logs she tried to justify it by saying it was months ago and she hasn't talked to him since we got back together. So when I forgave her, she turns and cries about THIS GUY betraying HER and doesn't even consider what she just did to me.

So let's fast forward? I am trying to make heads and tails of all this. I am a man who used to weigh 440. When I met her, I had already dropped 150 lbs, was pretty built and was very active. Worked out 4-5 times a week. We try to work things out and we plan a trip to south dakota. During that trip, things didn't add up, she kept bringing him up. Soon as we got back from the trip, she sends him an email detailing how hot his body is and how she can't get rid of him. Each time I broke it off with her because I could sense her being distant and into someone else, she ran to him... only to run back to me ( being real and not virtual).

We get back together and during Christmas 2010... I decided to prepare a new years resolution with her. However, I got an email AGAIN and he forwarded what she said about how hot he was and how she never connected with anyone else so much. Keep in mind, I never got a "you're hot" or " you're sexy" compliment from her. Best I ever got was "your eyes are beautiful"... so when I confronted her on this, she said it was during me wanting to break it off. I told her I don't feel comfortable because I feel like a settle... I can't be with someone who doesn't find me attractive. She claims she does at that point and that she was just telling this guy those things to "downplay" how much she loves me.

So... it's going onto new years. I buy us matching phones, a promise ring and I make her a video with our memories. She said she never loved anyone so much and promised to never talk to him again. I never touched her phone the whole time we were together. She was receiving a text message at 5am and it kept waking me. I went to shut off the phone and saw the number display. I looked, message said " I can't wait to cuddle with you again in the winter weather". I was pissed, I asked her whats up with this? she said " it's that one guy I told you about who just randomly messages me".

So we are into 2011. Things don't add up. At this point I have caught her in about 30 different lies, some very major. Like the fact she didn't tell me she had a 5 year lesbian relationship with her best friend, she lied about a guy she asked if she could hang with.. told me there was never any physical contact and eventually found out that's not true by her admission.

List of "SMOKE" issues I ran into: Many are left out.
:Lied about EVERY man she EVER talked about
:Flirted with other men how hot they were while calling me physically unattractive. Exchanged pics ( and she did this in a previous relationship)
:Never complimented me physically
:Vanished during nights she was "working out"
:Text messages, unknown numbers
:Told me she couldn't get pregnant without fertility help(which is coming up)
:Was 3 hours away on teaching job so I called up to the restaurant she was at to pay for her bill. The woman on the phone thought that was sweet. She said " for both parties or just her"... I said both parties? Yes she's got a male companion.
:I was STD tested 3 months into our dating phase. Came through clean. Somehow, "I" ended up giving her an initial break out of genital herpes, even though I suddenly had my initial break out as well... and wow... I wasn't sexually active with ANYONE else. She still to this day denies anything.

So... when my mother was very weak and passing.. I had a lapse in emotional strength. I called upon her, we ended up having sex. 3 days after my mothers funeral she throws a pregnancy test on the bed and says she's pregnant.

So ever since then I have been in this horrible limbo with her. We had our son and he is over a year old now. I love him to death and she CLAIMS she has changed her ways...so what's my problem?

My problem is this:. I feel like a settle, I feel like all of her options were expended while she kept me on the line. I feel like the only reason she even wants me around is because of our son now. There's no LUST on her end towards "US". It feels like it's all business. I still feel like there are many things hidden and she at this point will never admit to them, she just keeps saying past is past... but its OUR past together that I am still deeply hurt by and left without legitimate answers.

So last weekend we had a talk about this, she admitted yes her previous men were attractive. I was using her old computer and we came across a folder of a few men she's screwed. I wouldn't have been mad except... this was the one guys who was messaging her and until just a few weeks ago admitted the truth about him. Bigger dick, leaner body. I mean I'm not small in that department and I'm USUALLY a confident man ( HOWEVER ) when a woman spent the first 15 months of your serious relationship talking about other men, how hung they were, how they needed magnum XXL and contacting them to explain how hot they were... it makes you wonder what the hell she wants with you?.

How... am I supposed to take the compliment : "I fell for you inside out" "We can work out together and both get in shape then we will be hot together" what the F*** really?. Am I settling here? I don't know where to go from here. I am having a hard time trusting her even though she claims she's changed and that's how she "used to be" even though she was 30+ years old... is there no way to feel like a settle here?

The ultimatum was to decide if I wanted to be with her by May 31st. Ultimately, I still feel she is blowing smoke and doesn't want to take the blame for us failing.

[Cerby]

I was STD tested 3 months into our dating phase. Came through clean. Somehow, "I" ended up giving her an initial break out of genital herpes, even though I suddenly had my initial break out as well... and wow... I wasn't sexually active with ANYONE else. She still to this day denies anything.

I read it all, and there are at least 10 times in there I would have ended the relationship, but this one reason alone would be enough for me to not only break up with her, but to inform her friends and family, possibly publicly, about how shittily she treated you. If I ended up with Herpes and I know I wasn't with anyone else and my gf denied it, I'd f*cking lose it. This girl has been cheating on you like crazy and you just take it, you're a doormat. You shouldn't need until May 31st, you should have told her right then that "Ultimatum? Here is an ultimatum for you, get all your shit out of my house by tomorrow or I'm going to burn what is left."


***To add, if you decide to foolishly stay with her, make sure if she has a baby, you get a paternity test. My buddy was with a girl like this one and the baby turned out to be someone elses.

[wical]

I hear what you are saying Cerby. Believe me I thought of it. It's one of those situations where... you think " ok we WERE broken up for a bit and it CAN take a long time to form an outbreak". Still though, even if something didn't happen and like her doctor said ( and mine ) herpes can lay dormant for years... and everything you said is essentially the rage I try and contain when she looks at me dumbfounded as to why I can't trust her. Even IF nothing happened how is it possible to put someone through so much secrecy and smoke. I'm trying hard for my son here. Really hard.

[wical]

Also if she were here and read what I said. Her favorite saying would be " that's not how it went down that's just how I perceive things".

[FlaCooln]

Wow man. You can't trust her, shes cheated on you and gave you an STD. I don't know how you can have a healthy relationship after all this. You can try to be together for your son (may want to get a DNA test to be sure). But, you have to ask yourself...Will she ever make me happy? If the answer is no, leave her.

[cool hwhip]

Wow dude....how did you get to the point of having a child with such an obvious psychopath?!?!
"when a woman spent the first 15 months of your serious relationship talking about other men, how hung they were, how they needed magnum XXL and contacting them to explain how hot they were... it makes you wonder what the hell she wants with you?."
WTF were you thinking continuing to stay with this person?? She cheats, puts you down constantly....and all this s***t you tolerated (for some f**ked up reason) is now eating away your brain. NO SH&^T BUDDY!
My advise is to start getting some counseling immediately and confidentially from her and get your confidence and life back. She needs to be out of your life for good (most likely in the most delicate and legal way possible now, since you have a child). Get some help and good luck!

[wical]

The boy is all mine we had a DNA test. She swears up and down that I'm the only person physically she's been with since we started dating. Emotionally? shes lied and cheated, admits it. I did take 6 months of counseling sessions. When she chased after the canadian ( this was after herpes and during our major break up/during my counseling) I found out... I don't lack confidence at all. Matter of fact, she put my down so bad, although not always directly more indirectly that I started to notice the attention I got from others. I thought it was fake... but when you go from a woman who tells you sex is an obligation and her duty.. to having a woman clawing your back screaming where the hell have you been my whole life... tends to put things in perspective on what you were missing and just how much she was "into me" physically.

My son is a major factor in my head being so messed up. I only reconnected with her to maybe get some answers. I deserved the truth, didn't expect a little boy out of this.

[Valixy]

She sounds like a compulsive liar and that can be dangerous as she may be lying to you anytime about anything: her history, her friends, money, etc. I knew a couple and she always lied to everyone, even her family about money, she was physically and emotionally abusive to him too and things just kept escalating to the point where she started a fight once over him destroying her credit cards from a department store and she called the police saying that he had attacked her. She was intact but he had several bruises, anyway he spent a night in prison, without knowing what would happen to him, contemplating suicide. When they were seen by the judge, she kept lying and they were forced by law to file for a divorce. It was probably the best thing that could have happened to him. They also had a child together and there was a lot of emotional blackmail over the child too.

Your partner sounds like someone who has been faking the entire relationship for the support and stability that you could offer her. Also she seems not to have any principles in life and decency is unknown to her. If you had the internal resources to survive with someone like her in your life that means you are really strong and you'll also be able to start again on your own or with someone else. There are nice normal women out there who know how to have a nice decent relationship. You wouldn't believe the difference. Good luck to you and your boy!

[cool hwhip]

"I don't lack confidence at all" "having a woman clawing your back screaming where the hell have you been my whole life... tends to put things in perspective" - Good try defending your manhood and regaining some respect in this thread. Everyone here no longer thinks you are a loser

Did you just expect "wow tough situation, hang in there buddy, real tough!" kind of replies here? Let out some steam and go back to your miserable life? Sounds like it to me.

I feel really sorry for your kid if you stay with this woman. You need psychiatric help. Period.

[VerticalMoon]

I would think if she was at all serious about changing, she'd be willing to do everything she could to prove it to you. Go to couples counseling. Read books about cheating with you. Give you full access to her electronic devices so you can see what she's texting to people. Talk as long as you need to about things. Answer any questions you have about what happened. If she's not willing to do those types of things, then you have no reason to believe she's serious about changing.

[michelle23]

Wow this is a crazy story. You must have very low self esteem to allow this narcissistic bitch to treat you so bad. There were so many red flags-so many warning signs that she was cheating. I cant believe you stayed with her after she gave you herpes. And then to have unprotected sex with her and get her pregnant. Are you crazy? You should feel sick touching her or being anywhere near her. Next it will be HIV!

You need to end this relationship. You can still be a good father-even go for full custody.

I feel sorry for you but at the same time im shaking my head thinking you must be very naive or very stupid or in complete denial. Chance after chance-shell never change. You should have ran for the hills the day you set eyes on her. Shes no respect for you, no respect for herself, no empathy for your feelings, id be very surprised if shes a good mother and she gave you herpes!! Y are you still there?

You need counselling for your low self-esteem and co-dependency issues. You also need to get away from her and take your child with you

[kat82]

It sounds like she keeps walking all over you, and you keep letting her. Why do you feel the need to keep taking her back? The worst part is, you will never EVER trust her. It sounds like you are always snooping, and you will always find what you are looking for; proof that she is not faithful. I'm sorry, but she gave you an STD? Disgusting.

If you are considering just staying with her because of your son...consider the fact that you can break up & still see your son. You can make that work. Also please consider getting a paternity test. Especially if the test came back positive so close to when you had sex...that sounds suspicous.