suspicious, or normal behaviour?

[Jirou]

Dear all,

I registered to this site because of a dispute me and my significant other got into the other day. It rather escalated and blame is being cast back and fourth and of course his friends agree with him and mine with me (as those things go). Now I decided it is time to get the objective opinion of the masses! In other words: a forum.

To get to the point. I am Dutch, my boyfriend is English and I moved to England last year to live together and to start a university course.
With the Easter holidays I decided to visit my home again (Holland). My boyfriend made the choice to stay in England. Yesterday he sent me a message saying he would be meeting an old friend of his (who is homosexual as well) for: 'a coffee and maybe a film', but he would be home around ten in the evening for a chat. As it turned ten he sent me a message saying he was at his friends place watching a musical and therefore wouldn't be home at ten.

Now the argument is that it is perfectly normal to go over to your gay friends house, being homosexual yourself, when your boyfriend is abroad, or that it is rather strange and perhaps even slightly suspicious... Thoughts? Perfectly normal, or perhaps slightly odd, or plain cheating?

( It might be worth taking into account that the same thing happened before, but then it was his 'ex' and he stayed over the night because the trains didn't run).

First and foremost my apologies for posting this here, but it was the first forum that popped up .

[Wakeup]

What does it matter whether we think his actions are "perfectly normal" or unacceptable? The point is YOU don't like him doing it so you have to talk to him about how it makes you feel when he does such things. You have to ask him to stop doing them and if he won't, well then you have decision to make as to whether you can stay with him and be able to be non-anxiety ridden when he does or you leave him if you can't be accepting and calm and trusting that he won't be sampling others "goods."

Your call and what we think is totally irrelevant. Unless of course the vote will make him do what you want.. then in that case I vote he stop being so shady and only hang out with his "friends" when you can to. If he posted first then I'd vote on what he wanted because it's a useless as tits on a bull knowing what we think about it when it's you that doesn't like it.

[Jirou]

I already told the person in question whatever bothered me about his behaviour, like anyone should when they have issues of this nature, but I simply want to have others their opinions because I am curious whether it is me being unreasonable in thinking it is suspicious or not. Which is mainly caused because he said none of his friends thought it was suspicious in the slightest. And of course it is about how every individual thinks and feels about a situation that is relevant to him/her so outside opinion are, indeed, useless in that regard, but I want to know for statistic sake to see how far I am off the average...

Hope that makes it clearer.

[Wakeup]

Look: if it's true that none of his friends think that he's done anything shady, then you're never going to get him to stop doing stuff that you, indeed do think is shady. I think it's time you decided if you can live with what he does or not. If you stay you enable him to do exactly what you don't like.

I for one do not agree with friends who have been lovers in the past hanging out one-on-one. It causes this kind of anxiety in most every instant that it's been happening. I find it disrespectful and I also think that it means that they've hardly gotten to the stage of indifference to one another or else he wouldn't be waiting until you're out of town to be going to visit them... he'd take you with him if it was simply a friendship of the platonic kind.

Your gut is telling you something so either suck it up and stick around or listen to it and leave. He doesn't value you if you've voiced your concerns about one-on-one activities but he refuses to change that up IMNSHO.

[Jirou]

Thank you . I know that what you are saying makes perfect sense and I agree with it and in every other situation but my own I would be able to apply such logic and get on with things. However, it is always that bit harder when you are personally caught up in the situation (for me at least), which is why it can be refreshing to hear what others have to say.

Thanks again!

[Wakeup]

When you ignore your own emotional health, when you diregard your own relationship boundaries and allow others to cross them, that is when whatever you get is what you volunteered for. People who love themselves don't settle with someone who is doing them wrong. They bite the bullet and they move on to the person that thinks just like them and wouldn't even consider doing anything to hurt their SO.

It isn't easy but people leave people they love everyday because they (finally) realise that "love" just isn't enough to maintain a relationship.

Good luck.