Uncomfortable with his gal pal

[alex1023]

Let's start with the basics. Me and boyfriend have been dating for going on two years now, and live together. We work opposite schedules, which can get pretty stressful, but I'm mostly a laid back person and try to make the best of the situation. There is one thing that has continued to bother me, however.

There is this girl. I don't know why, but I get really, really insecure when he hangs out with and talks to her. I think it's because I don't know her very well, and my boyfriend has mentioned a couple of times how attractive he thinks she is. Also, the girls mom will call my boyfriend when she is drunk. I've mentioned to my boyfriend before how insecure it makes me feel when he goes out drinking with said girl (without me), but I found out that he recently went out drinking with her again while I was at home sleeping (my boyfriend works until midnight, so he went out with her after work). I work days so, of course, I was at home asleep.

I just don't know how to confront him again about this without making it sound like I'm a total control freak (or, maybe I am). Again, I don't have a problem when he hangs out with our mutual friends who are girls. It's just this one... I get very uneasy about. I have a problem of holding these feelings inside until I get reallly mad, and then my argument just sounds like me being a total b****.

I guess I need advice as to how to confront this situation, and what to do. Obviously, he knows that I am uncomfortable with this girl because I've told him before, but continues to hang out with her and not tell me about it. I'm not one of those girlfriends that needs to check in every two minutes, but with us being on opposite schedules, I would like to at least know what he's up to in general. What makes my feelings of jealousy worse is that he never seems to make the effort to come have lunch with me, and I will often go for four or five days without getting to spend ANY time with him (unless you count sleeping next to each other as spending time with each other) yet he has time to go out drinking with this girl.

I'll cut this short before it gets ranty. What I'm trying to say is, how do I get through to my guy that this makes me uncomfortable? Because what I've said in the past has obviously not gotten through to him, and only makes him want to hide that he hangs out with this girl.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

What I'm trying to say is, how do I get through to my guy that this makes me uncomfortable? Because what I've said in the past has obviously not gotten through to him, and only makes him want to hide that he hangs out with this girl.

Tell him if he hangs out with her again after work you're leaving him, and mean it. Start distancing yourself from him, and prepare for a breakup. Tell him he can have her if he wants her. How long is your lease? I would suggest you don't renew the lease with him until there is a resolution to this that you're satisfied with. If he actually cares, he will see the relationship dying and want to save it. If he doesn't he'll probably let it die, and then go **** this new girl. I'm guessing you have a day job and he is bartender/bouncer or something?

If you really want to play the game, you can find an attractive guy to give him a taste of his own medicine, but that's a lot more work than it's probably worth. The most direct solution would be to start a break up conversation with him, and just say you feel like he doesn't care about your feelings and wants to spend more time with her. Tell him you want to break up. If he offers on his own to stop hanging out with her, then stay with him. If he doesn't, then break up and move out, and save yourself the frustation of what is going to inevitably happen.

[kat82]

If your gut is telling you that something is up, then something may be up. It is a red flag that he hangs out with this girl without you, knowing that you don't like it.

My suggestion would be, if confronting him hasn't helped, surprise him & see what his reaction is. Plan a day off, & the night before, invite yourself out with him & his so-called friend. If he acts irritated & frustrated, or makes excuses for you not to be there "Oh you wouldn't like this place" I would be pretty suspicious. Or you could just show up, if you know where they're out drinking, and see what it is they are up to.

[alex1023]

Yep, he's a bartender. I work a daytime office job. I don't mind what his job is. He likes it and works with really great people and is treated well by his employers. But obviously the schedule difference is an added strain to our relationship.

So are there no optimists out there that think I'm being irrational? I don't want to be the girlfriend that doesn't want my guy to be around any girl ever, but obviously not seeing each other as much as most couples makes it hard for me to accept that a lot of his socializing is done with out me. In defense of this gal, her and my guy have been friends or at the very least acquaintances before him and I started dating. Still gives me the skeeves more than any other of his gal friends though.

[VincenzoG91]

This girl's mother calls him when she is drunk? That's very strange. How long has he known this girl? And why does her mother have his phone number, too? Trust your instinct, this situation is wrong. The fact that he is sneaking around with somebody is a big problem. If you can't trust him, the relationship needs to end. If you like, give him a chance to change his way and stop seeing her. But I suspect that will just cause him to become sneakier.

[alex1023]

This girl's mother calls him when she is drunk? That's very strange. How long has he known this girl? And why does her mother have his phone number, too? Trust your instinct, this situation is wrong. The fact that he is sneaking around with somebody is a big problem. If you can't trust him, the relationship needs to end. If you like, give him a chance to change his way and stop seeing her. But I suspect that will just cause him to become sneakier.

The mom call came from this girl's phone. Still strange, though. They've known each other for probably... oh three or four years maybe? It's hard for me to tell him to just stop seeing her because we have a lot of mutual friends with her, who love her. I just have a feeling like I'm going to be the bad guy in this situation. I really don't care if we are all hanging out together. At least then I know how the situation is playing out and she's nice enough to be around. I just have this jealousy about it, I guess. Especially since I know she's usually wasted drunk when this happens. Nothing good can come out of that.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I don't really care, what he does for work either, I just wanted to get a feel for the potential atmosphere they'd be in during and after work...

You probably will be the bad guy. That's why I suggested you just draw a line in the sand right now, rather than try to compromise and drag things out. That's weird that they've been friends that long and you don't know her, but you have many mutual friends as well. Doesn't smell right. Maybe give a little by asking him not to hang out with her while you're not there, but beating around the bush isn't going to serve you in the long run.

[Wakeup]

It's hard for me to tell him to just stop seeing her because we have a lot of mutual friends with her, who love her.

Are you serious. You don't like it but you're too insecure to tell him that he can't date other girls while he's living with you? Hanging out one-on-one with the opposite sex is dating them and I don't give a crap what anyone else here happens to justify it by calling it "hanging out." He's emotionally connected to her and the longer this goes on this dating while living with you, the further the wedge is going to be hammered between your's and his emotional connection.

You need to tell him straight up that it's unacceptable behaviour and you don't mind him being her friend but that means she's to be a mutual friend that you both hang out with and he gives up his dating of her.

Your relationship is half toast already. You keep being this milquetoast that allows him to have his cake and eat it to, then it will be done like dinner in no time at all. You can certainly ask him to stop hanging out with her one on one, which you done and he keeps doing it. That right there tells you that he values her more than he does you.

... and yes, her mother calling your boyfriend and you not even being able to tell us why that is, is a really good indicator that your boyfriend is a boyfriend to more than just you.

[basilandthyme]

how do I get through to my guy that this makes me uncomfortable? Because what I've said in the past has obviously not gotten through to him, and only makes him want to hide that he hangs out with this girl.

Oh, it's gotten through to him. But he's chosen to not change his ways.

There is no method to be more clear than what you have already. At this point, you have only two options: accept it or break up.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Oh, it's gotten through to him. But he's chosen to not change his ways.

There is no method to be more clear than what you have already. At this point, you have only two options: accept it or break up.

She accepts. Otherwise she wouldn't be on here asking what she is supposed to do now that she realizes her b/f doesn't give a ****.

[VincenzoG91]

I suppose a threesome is out of the question.

[Wakeup]

Ahhh, tension breaking humour. nyuk, nyuk.

[bearz]

I can only echo everyone else's comments... talk to him again, tell him that you're not comfortable with him hanging out with her. You should be more important to him than his other female friend. If he continues to do it behind your back, kiss him goodbye and wish him the best of luck with her because he will clearly need it.

[searock]

I agree with the others. You aren't being irrational, he is having an emotional affair with his female "friend".

Tell him that he needs to choose whether to keep "hanging out" with her, or to keep being your boyfriend.

[alex1023]

Lol VincenzoG91, yeah that's not happening. Thanks everyone, for letting me sound off. It's nice to have an impartial source to hear from. I really do appreciate it. It feels good just to be able to bounce this off of someone.